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orlylady · Feb 12, 2011, 01:53 PM

I've been having an affair with a man who lives w/his woman & 2 kids for 3yrs. Recently he told me they are planning to get married this fall and no longer wants to sleep w/me but prefers we remain friends & is adamant about this. What should I do?

Wondergirl · Feb 12, 2011, 02:15 PM

Can you be his friend, knowing he is married and faithful to his wife (maybe), but will never sleep with you again?

orlylady · Feb 12, 2011, 02:23 PM

I don't know.. that's what scares me. I think if he suggested we sleep together I would.

Wondergirl · Feb 12, 2011, 02:26 PM

No, he'll eventually replace you, the affair, with someone else. You will be demoted to just being a friend.

How does that sound?

ByeBye · Feb 12, 2011, 02:46 PM

I don't think u can be friends with him! What will u get out of this relationsip?? The answer is Nothing!U obviously have feelings for him and you need to do no contact with him-the sooner u start, the quicker u will be able to move on from this situation! U deserve better than this guy, someone who won't keep u a secret but tell the world that's my lady!

Jake2008 · Feb 12, 2011, 06:53 PM

While initially, it will hurt that you won't see him, you will get over this affair. I don't think it's a good idea for you to maintain a friendship with him, because likely you'll eventually end up in the same place, which is being 'the other woman'. To even attempt a friendship will risk resuming where you left off in other words, not to mention that his wife will find out eventually and question the 'friendship', and last but not least, he has told you that this is over with you.

I sense a sadness in your post, and I'm not sure why. I know that you are facing a new future without him, but, is this not something that you expected to happen over the last three years anyway? Did you ever think about what you would do, or did you anticipate that at some point it would come to an end?

Being alone is not the worst place in the world to be. Being rejected is not the most devastating loss you will likely have in your life either. Realizing that now, you will never be more than 'the other woman', I hope that you might learn to see that as an opportunity for change.

You shouldn't have to be a secret to anybody. Nor should you settle for second place in somebody's life. Try lifting the bar a little higher, and give yourself time to be completely over him, under your own steam, and then get back out into the real world.

No good can ever come of mixing it up with a married man. You can do much, much better for yourself.

talaniman · Feb 12, 2011, 07:03 PM

What's the difference being a side piece of a guy who lies, and cheats on his girlfriend, or being a side piece to a guy who lies, and cheats on his wife?? Nothing will change, you will still be a side piece to a liar, and cheater.

If that's your thing.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 12, 2011, 07:29 PM

OR he will be having a small fight with his wife and end up in your bed, and what should have been a minor fight will end up in divorce,

He is leaving his self a safety zone, a place to perhaps fall back to.

Break it off and move on with your life.

orlylady · Feb 13, 2011, 09:32 AM

I guess I don't want it to end.. and I never really thought about this day coming.

Stringer · Feb 13, 2011, 09:46 AM

Originally Posted by orlylady

I guess I don't want it to end..and I never really thought about this day coming.

But it is.

You need to take charge of your life things HAVE changed like it or not.

Jake2008 · Feb 13, 2011, 09:50 AM

Right or wrong, you will be faced with going through the heartache of the end of a relationship, regardless of anything else. Because this was maybe something that never should have happened, it is still a loss, and a very big part of your life.

And, who among us hasn't been in a relationship that we thought would last forever. I know I'm guilty.

But for you, at this time in your life, I think that it is important to really take a good long look at where you are, and where you want to be. While you are involved with a man that can never be fully involved with you, in the normal sense of long-term, marriage, children, etc. maybe it is more fair than not to say that at some point, it would have ended anyway.

This is really no way to live your life. Love is love, and sometimes we love the wrong people for the wrong reasons, but when it is time to make changes, you just simply can't go back.

I really hope that even if he does find a way to remain in your life, that you consider not allowing it. Just consider it, and how easy it would be to fall back into the same holding pattern you are in now.

You can take charge, and change direction. Set your own bar and make sure any new man in your life meets your expectations. Enjoy your freedom, while at the same time you work through the end of this relationship. My advise to you now is, not to wait for him, but to end that which will be inevitable anyway, work through the greiving process, and move on to better things.

All the best of luck to you.

talaniman · Feb 13, 2011, 12:16 PM

Dating married guys is, like going the wrong way, on a one way street that's full of gigantic pot holes!