[goodkarma_1]

Entire story merged

Hi everyone- thanks in advance for taking the time to read my story. Quick run down - I recently broke off an 8yr relationship because I overheard my ex's conversation about sleeping with a girl. I had been suspicious for months as he would come home late drunk during the week, hide his cell phone and when he was out in the late hours he would never answer his phone. This all started mid of last year and became worse and worse... one night we got into and argument and he did the unthinkable.. he physically abused me for the first time. I packed up my things and left that night. He begging and cried for forgiveness and about 2 weeks later (a fool I know) I went back to him. After that incident I did see a change in him but he still always hid his cell phone which was always suspiscious. I knew there was something that he was hiding, but I still hung on because I simply loved him. I became very depressed and second guessed our relationship and knew deep down that I would have to end it one day. I prayed to find something out that would drive me to leave him and I believe that's when I overheard his conversation. Its been 4 long months now and it feels like eternity. We still have contact with each other every so often... he begs for forgiveness but Im trying to stand my ground. I have been with this man faithfully for 8years and helped him in everyway I could, very much like a wife however I never pressed the issue as I was happy where we were at. I feel so depressed and constantly stressed every minute of the day. I try to go out and have fun and meet new people but its so hard for me to open up. I feel like I carry this negative vibe which makes me unapproachable thus causing even more depression because I can't let loose as my friends for guys to approach me. I don't know what to do anymore. It's been months and Ive gone through these cycled emotions of anger, libertation, sadness, happy etc and I feel like its day one again lately. When does this pain end? I seriously feel like I am falling into depression. I understand that I need to be single and emotionally cleanse myself before I enter a new relationship but I feel like I will never meet anyone and be happy again and this truly panics me. I am so sad and I know I need to snap out of it and as much as I try I can't shake it. Any advice or experiences would be most appreciated. Thanks. :(

[starbuck8]

Been there, done that, wrote the book. I'm trying to muster up some words of wisdom here, in a subject that I know all to well, and I really have to think on this one, because it hits way to close to home.

It's not unusual for you to go through all of those emotions again and again until you feel like you can move on. Let's say that it's not a long shot to expect to go through the "cycle of emotions" each time for every year that you were together. I know that sounds rough, but unless you want the dreaded rebound relationship, you just have to let yourself go through it. Unless you do, the next guy will have a have a pretty rocky road ahead.

Don't stay in contact with him. I know you want to, but don't answer his calls or return his messages. Just keep in mind the night he abused you, and think of THAT every time you hear his name, or see it on caller ID.

Think of the girl he cheated with, and how he wasn't crying or begging to have you back when he was with HER! Don't sit and listen to music that reminds you of him. Don't look at his pictures, and think of the man you wished he would be. Write him a letter saying how much he hurt you, and took a piece out of your life that you can't get back, and go for it... say everything you've ever wanted to say to him! Love, hate, sad, happy, angry... whatever comes out! Then read it over a few times... and BURN IT! Let it signify an end of what wasn't meant to be.

Keep going out with your friends. Don't go to places where the two of you used to go. Don't go with a feeling of pressure to meet someone new. It will happen when you least expect it. Keep yourself busy doing things you like to do. Tell your friends that discussions of your ex are off limits, and not to try and fix you up. That won't fix anything! Tell your friends that if you bring up your relationship, that you don't need them to bad mouth your ex or try and fix anything, you just need a shoulder. Don't do that often, only when you're really needing it. Friends get tired of that in a hurry.

Try and also make new friends that had nothing to do with your ex, or your relationship. They can give you a fresh perspective on things. Get out as much as you can, and focus on you. You are the only thing you've got for life, so take care of YOU first! Don't give your ex the power to control you.

Any man that puts his hands on a woman, cheats on her, and then comes groveling like a puppy, is not worth your time or effort! Find someone that is worthy of your respect and time.

Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon. Keep your chin up! :)

[JBeaucaire]

Well, I understand your being "just fine the way things were"... but for 8 years? How old are you? I hope this started in your teens, that would at least make some sense since those years often don't end up counting anyway.

I can harshly say that if this guy were really "it" for you, you would NOT have been "just fine the way things were" for 8 years. You wouldn't have been fine like that for half that time... and most women after finding an "it" guy, would NOT have been fine after a couple of years.

There is no such thing as "coasting" when dating. Things are getting progressively better, or they are getting progressively worse. If you don't notice them getting better, then they ARE getting worse, just more slowly than you would think. Or perhaps not slowly at all and you were intentionally ignoring all the signs.

Anyway. An 'it' guy is firing up some dreams and ambitions and desires in you for home and family. If after being with a guy for a year you don't have all that fire starting to smolder for all the benefits of an 'it' guy, try to to end it and start again. Investing a year makes sense. 8 is just you disrespecting the one life you have to live.

Make it count.

[starbuck8]

JB, you know I almost always agree with your answers, and for the most part, agree with what you say. I do have to point something out that might or might not be what's happening in this particular situation.

I was in a long term relationship with a man that I totally trusted. We were the best of friends. He got up every morning and went to work, and he came home every night for dinner. I could usually pin point where he would be at any moment in the day. I didn't try to spy on him, I just knew because he would tell me, and I trusted him. Anytime I needed to get a hold of him for one reason or another, he was always where he said he would be.

I didn't have blinders on, because I had been in a previous relationship that ended very badly, so I watched for signs. I wasn't being naïve, or just hoping that everything would be just fine if I ignored it. There were no signs until..! My "it" guy, was a very good actor and liar. He left no evidence, and didn't bring up any red flags. Sometimes they are just really good at it.

She shouldn't have gone back after the abuse, but from the lessons I learned prior to the relationship I just spoke of, they beat you down and take away all of yourself confidence pride, and sense of yourself. I can honestly say it's like brainwashing.

When I look back on the relationship I'm speaking of now, I can't believe that was even me! It seems like someone else's life! So until you are there engulfed in the situation, it's really hard to say what you would do. I sure as hell never thought I would stick around for something like that, and used to get upset with other people that did. But one day I woke up and realised that "I" was that person.

Luckily I got out of both relationships. The prior one had red flags just blowin in the wind, and sirens going off everywhere. The next was a calm gentle breeze until the "fit hit the shan", and I was out of there.

So I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it is not always as black and white as it appears.

I still really enjoy reading all of your answers though. ;)

[talaniman]

8 years is a long time to turn your back on, but that's exactly what you must do, while focusing on you and what makes you happy for a change.

You have a big hole in your soul to fill, and it starts with loving yourself enough to be good to you, and with building a whole new life without him in it. Not easy, but in time you will know the people, and activities you like, and regroup around that.

All the things you couldn't think of doing before, you can now, so never contact him again, and be very good to yourself. Good Luck!

[Romefalls19]

Take everyone else's advice. Know you are not alone, you are a great catch and will find someone who loves you and will be faithful soon enough. Keep your head up!

[plonak]

Starbuck has really good advice.. she has been in your spot.. she know what pain you are feeling..

It's really hard to let someone go, when you love them so much.. but please don't keep talking to him on the phone.. it's not good, he's just trying to woo you back.. he's probably a smooth talker.. and knows what works for you..

Please, don't take this man back, he disrespected you in the worst ways possible!! And people don't change... remember that.. if he beat you once, he WILL do it again.. you need to get yourself esteem back and find someone that is well worth your time..

[goodkarma_1]

Thank you all for the advice and experiences to help shed some light. I know what I need to do, it's just hard to find the strength in myself to let go because I loved him so much. I am beyond drained and I feel hopeless. Everyday is a struggle to get through and lately I've been talking and counseling myself constantly to make me feel better. Is that normal? Hehe... cause I feel like I'm going crazy! Lol. By the way, to answer JB question, I am 28 years old. I know should've expected more (marriage and a family) from someone that "says" they love me and I did at times but I was just happy to be where I was... perhaps I lowered my standards because I got used to being in the "comfort zone” of just knowing that I have him there. I know I defiantly deserved more from him because I gave him everything. I know this sounds absurd, but when I think of cutting all ties to him I feel bad as if I'm leaving him behind or something and I have this guilt. I know that's crazy but I can't help it, I am so sensitive to other peoples feelings that I put mine aside when I know I shouldn't. Why am I feeling like this when HE is the one to blame…I wish I can just have this hate and let go!

[talaniman]

Why am I feeling like this when HE is the one to blame…I wish I can just have this hate and let go!

I'm wondering the same thing, why let his actions bring you guilt to the point you have allowed it. Love yourself more than you love him, sensitive or not!

[starbuck8]

Thank you all for the advice and experiences to help shed some light. I know what I need to do, it’s just hard to find the strength in myself to let go because I loved him so much. I am beyond drained and I feel hopeless. Everyday is a struggle to get through and lately I’ve been talking and counseling myself constantly to make me feel better. Is that normal? hehe...cause I feel like I’m going crazy! lol. By the way, to answer JB question, I am 28 years old. I know should've expected more (marriage and a family) from someone that "says" they love me and I did at times but I was just happy to be where I was...perhaps I lowered my standards because I got used to being in the "comfort zone” of just knowing that I have him there. I know I defiantly deserved more from him because I gave him everything. I know this sounds absurd, but when I think of cutting all ties to him I feel bad as if I’m leaving him behind or something and I have this guilt. I know that’s crazy but I can’t help it, I am so sensitive to other peoples feelings that I put mine aside when I know I shouldn’t. Why am I feeling like this when HE is the one to blame…I wish I can just have this hate and let go!

I was, and I guess I still am to a point, just like you describe. I worry too much about other people to my own detrement. It's a good quality if you know when to draw the line, but it can also get you into some serious trouble. It WAS his doing, and you don't have to feel like you are leaving him behind! HE LEFT YOU BEHIND!

Again, I know it's not easy, but you have to really bite the bullet, and let go of him, or he will do more damage. Not even necessarily physical, but phychological damage, and that is harder to recover from. I have said it before, and I will say it again, (although I wish it on no one) I would rather be physically beaten, than be mentally broken down to the point where you don't even know yourself anymore.

Just think about it okay?!

[goodkarma_1]

Thanks all. So Update, yesterday I heard more scoop on him….I guess he was seen out talking to other girls at bars etc. ughhh it hurt me but I think that this is a turning point now. I thought about it all last night, how through all this torment I am enduring he is STILL is out there doing what he does.. CHEAT and LIE when I still had the heart to hear him out and answer his pleading calls and texts. I am going to force myself to accept that he never loved me in the first place as I loved him. I confronted him about his “outings” and that I am done with him (via text) and he was so cold about it with this reply - "I haven't heard from you in days and you come up with this bullsh**! don't call me anymore”. He is running behind the fact that he “tried” enough to win me back all those months so now its OK for him to put me off. It's so easy for him to forget and turn his back on me when HE did wrong and I am the one depressed about it, oh how life isn't fair…

[talaniman]

After years of captivity to his BS, your free at last, and should be celebrating.

[starbuck8]

Thanks all. So Update, yesterday I heard more scoop on him….I guess he was seen out talking to other girls at bars etc. ughhh it hurt me but I think that this is a turning point now. I thought about it all last night, how through all this torment I am enduring he is STILL is out there doing what he does..CHEAT and LIE when I still had the heart to hear him out and answer his pleading calls and texts. I am going to force myself to accept that he never loved me in the first place as I loved him. I confronted him about his “outings” and that I am done with him (via text) and he was so cold about it with this reply - "I haven't heard from you in days and you come up with this bullsh**!, don't call me anymore”. He is running behind the fact that he “tried” enough to win me back all those months so now its ok for him to put me off. It's so easy for him to forget and turn his back on me when HE did wrong and I am the one depressed about it, oh how life isn't fair…

Of course that is what he said to you! You caught him in one of his games, so his only defense is to try and make it look as if it's your fault. Oh how typical! He wants you back, but only on his terms and conditions right? That is what cheaters and liars do! They will play the role to get what they want in any particular situation!

I know the hurt, and also the embarrassment of having your friends, and aquaintances seeing him out flirting, yucking it up, and making a fool of himself, with a bunch of young girls. He has no respect for your feelings at all. You are so much better off without him! The only worse thing you could have done in your 8 yr relationship, is stayed with him for 8 yrs and 1 day!

Give yourself some time to get over this creep, focus on you, and then get out there and just have fun! ;)

(are you sure this isn't my ex?. hahahaha! )

[goodkarma_1]

HAHAHA! I would really question it if I was in Canada as well! ;) Thank you starbuck8 and talaniman for listening to me.

[starbuck8]

Anytime hun... anytime! Take care of yourself, and I wish you all the best!

[goodkarma_1]

OK so I’ve posted my story on here before about my heart break and what I'm going through at the moment (8yr relationship broken after I found out that he cheated) and I thought that dealing with this was enough so what could possibly be worse than finding out that your significant other has cheated? Well today I feel worse than ever… I found out that he is seeing someone else and this absolutely kills me…it feels even worse than finding out that he cheated ( I know that sounds weird). I don’t know what to do, how to think, the thoughts of him with someone else haunts me and I try not to think about it and move on with what makes me happy but its so hard. It’s been 4 months and through it all he was pleading for me to come back and now…poof he’s done! I guess it’s this other girl or girls that he is interested in. I know that staying with him is wrong and things will never be the same but how can he move on so fast after 8 years!? He threw away all that we built though the years and cheated and here I am sad, lonely and depressed and haven’t even had ANY urge to be with anyone new. I know that I need a good kick in the to get over it but I am so hurting inside right now that I have loved someone that obviously didn’t feel the same, it all feels like an illusion or dream…I’m so numb to everything… if it wasn’t for this forum I would lose it so thanks everyone for taking the time to hear me out.

[ylaira]

If he values your 8 yr relationship whe wouldn't have cheated either. What to do now? Be busy and read advices here.This shall pass.

[chuff]

I'm just going to rewrite some things you wrote. You can choose to start thinking my way or stay stuck in yours.

I thought that dealing with this was enough so what could possibly be worse than finding out that your significant other has cheated??

What's worse then being cheated on, how about death, losing a limb, spear through the brain. Now that you're a little off topic, going back to the relationship, how about staying with someone after they cheated because your to afraid to leave. You took the tough road and stuck up for yourself and drew the line in the sand as to where his disrespect of you would stop.

Well today I feel worse than ever…

Today, you are having natural combination of emotions that are giving you strength because when your down you know you can take even more... which strengthens you for future issues which will not be at this level.

I found out that he is seeing someone else and this absolutely kills me…

Or, it's awesome to know I didn't waste another minute with someone who is not at the same level of commitment that I am.

it feels even worse than finding out that he cheated ( I know that sounds weird). I don’t know what to do, how to think, the thoughts of him with someone else haunts me and I try not to think about it and move on with what makes me happy but its so hard. It’s been 4 months and through it all he was pleading for me to come back and now…poof he’s done!

And now poof... he got desperate and hooked up with the nearest person to try and take his mind off the one he let get away.

I guess it’s this other girl or girls that he is interested in. I know that staying with him is wrong and things will never be the same but how can he move on so fast after 8 years!???

Or how lucky am I that after that time I see that he was not emotionally compatible with me.

He threw away all that we built though the years and cheated and here I am sad, lonely and depressed and haven’t even had ANY urge to be with anyone new.

Or, I am at a growth stage in my life and my priorities do not involve dating someone but rather focusing on myself and what I can do to improve my life.

I know that I need a good kick in the to get over it but I am so hurting inside right now that I have loved someone that obviously didn’t feel the same, it all feels like an illusion or dream…I’m so numb to everything… if it wasn’t for this forum I would lose it so thanks everyone for taking the time to hear me out.

Well this forum is great, and I will admit that I've never come from an 8 year relationship (3 years is my record) but the focus of your thoughts are all about the hurt, which is natural but it is up to you to turn this around so your brain, emotions and life are going in your favor working towards your own happiness and fulfillment. Right now your focus is on him and what he's done, what he's doing, where he's at, etc. I know that's natural, but when you start having these thought you must turn them around in your favor. Sometimes it's going to be easy, and sometimes it's going to be harder but if you keep focusing on the positive... and sometimes it takes real focus and determination your brain will follow.

[talaniman]

the focus of your thoughts are all about the hurt, which is natural but it is up to you to turn this around so your brain, emotions and life are going in your favor working towards your own happiness and fulfillment. Right now your focus is on him and what he's done, what he's doing, where he's at, etc. I know that's natural,

Chuff is so right, as right now all you know is pain and misery, I understand. Much to soon to even think any other way, but there is no magic pill to take it away from you, so we can only hug, and support you from afar, until you can see something, besides misery and pain.

Do something good for yourself, like treat yourself to a makeover. It will get better. Hang in there.

[goodkarma_1]

Thank you Chuff and Talaniman for putting things into perspective. I know that I deserve better and one day I will be happy again, I just need to emotional "cleanse" myself right now before I move on - but I'm going to take it day by day until the pain fades. I am in shock and sometimes denial that he is someone that I spent 8 years with turned into someone that I don't really know at all. He use to be shy and reserved for the most part and now he has so much confident, is arrogant - basically he has grown to have big head now and thinks that he can have any girl he wants. Through a mutual friend, he was saying that he has all these girls that want him blah blah blah (by the way we both are 28 years old! He's acting like a highschooler) It makes me sick to my stomach and I am starting to hate him. He has toally changed on me. Is this change of attitude just a cover up to his emotions? I probably sounds like a broken record but I don't understand how a human being can be so cold and cut off someone that gave everything to them for 8 years. Thanks for listening to me.