[allaboutmyman]

I am 41 years old and have been married and divorced 3 times. I am currently dating a 34 year old man. According to him, we are exclusively dating and committed to each other but not "boyfriend and girlfriend." I love him more than I have loved any other man in my life and I want more from the relationship. He says that he loves me and he is in love with me. He does not want to enter into a "relationship" because he says that he needs to get on his feet so that he can hold up his end of the relationship. I am confuses. He spend holidays together, attend family functions together, hang out with each others family and spend time together. He insists that we are not in a relationship but we do not deal with anyone of the opposite sex romantically. This truly feels like a relationship. We even go to church together! We are currently planning on taking a vacation together in April. My friends say that I should not complain because he gives me everything that I want and things are good between us. I want to be his "girlfriend." He says that when he is in a relationship, it consumes him and he will lose focus of his goals. He wants to complete a few things before he loses focus. We have only been dating for 6 months. How long should I wait for him to totally commit to me before I move on?

[Wondergirl]

You ARE boyfriend and girlfriend. You ARE in a relationship.

What does he think "relationship" means? How can it "consume" him? He will "lose focus"? It sounds like he's been reading too many bodice-rippers (romance novels).

Do you just want him to agree that the two of you have a relationship, are in a relationship?

[Devorameira]

Call it whatever, but I have to agree with Wondergirl... you are boyfriend and girlfriend. He can refer to it in any words he'd like, but it all boils down to the same relationship.

Is it really that important for him to call you his girlfriend or are you actually wanting this to progress soon to an engagement/marriage?

[allaboutmyman]

I want to be called his "girlfriend" so I can have a title. He introduces me by my first name, not his friend, girlfriend, etc. I want marriage later on down the line and so does he. I'm just anxous to "officially" start our life together.

[allaboutmyman]

I guess I want him to acknowledge me as his "girlfriend" so it can feel like what we have is real. I don't want to continue to invest not knowing if we will ever be official. I am soooo in love!!

[Cat1864]

I think you need to discuss this with him and find a compromise. So far, what I see is two people who are set in their own definitions of what a relationship is and the titles/perceptions that go along with them.

Listen to each other. You want and need more structure to the relationship. He has said that in the past he loses sight of himself and his personal needs when he is in an 'official' relationship.

Where is the middle ground between each of your positions? Would you be okay if he introduced you as his friend or companion? Would he be okay with being more 'official' if he knew that you would help him keep sight of and encourage him in what he wants to accomplish?

This looks like an excellent real-life lesson in learning to communicate and compromise.

[allaboutmyman]

We have had this conversation several times. He says that he has things to accomplish before he can focus on a relationship and as "a man" he needs to accomplish them alone (get his own place, get finances in order etc).

[allaboutmyman]

I offered to assist him in anyway possible but he insists that he must accomplish these things by himself. He says he needs to know he is able to hold up his end of the relationship. He says he wants us to last so he has to work on himself first.

[Wondergirl]

Please use the Answer box to reply. We're trying to get rid of the Comment box which doesn't allow anyone to quote a responder, so then I have to create a quote my own way, like this --

he needs to accomplish them alone (get his own place, get finances in order etc).

Why does he have to do this alone? We got married and spent the next four years doing that before I got pregnant with our first child.

That's not the definition of a "man."

[Wondergirl]

He says he needs to know he is able to hold up his end of the relationship. He says he wants us to last so he has to work on himself first.

He's full of applesauce. Once he has accomplished all the things on his list, then what? I'm betting my two children he will find a new reason to avoid saying the two of you are in a relationship.

You're sleeping with him (?), living with him (?), loving him, caring for all his needs -- he's got it all now. Why have a "relationship"?

He just doesn't want to commit. End of story.

I'd walk away and not look back.

[allaboutmyman]

For the last so many years, he has went from relationship, to relationship and has nothing to show. He has the kindest heart and he puts everyone's needs before his own. His last relationship ended almost 2 years ago and he immediately moved in with his mother to assist her with her finances. He is currently looking to move into his own place in about a month or so.

[Wondergirl]

For the last so many years, he has went from relationship, to relationship and has nothing to show.

I repeat, he can't commit. You two will be another failed "relationship."

Now, we should move to "How do I get him to commit?"

[allaboutmyman]

Ok... How do I get him to commit??

[Wondergirl]

Ok... How do I get him to commit???????

Sit down with a cup of tea and a box of cookies. This may take a while.

I'll start with these easy questions. Brief answers are fine.

1. How old is he?

2. Has he ever lived away from his parent(s)? Where? How far away?

3. Does he have any siblings?

4. If so, what place is he in sibling order?

5. Has he ever been married?

[Cat1864]

How long did you know him before you started dating?

Is he the only one who needs to break a cycle? How close is this relationship mirroring your past ones? In past relationships, how quickly have they progressed to 'official couple' status?

Can you wait and see what happens in about a month when he supposed to get his own place?

[allaboutmyman]

I'll start with these easy questions. Brief answers are fine.

1. How old is he? 34

2. Has he ever lived away from his parent(s)? YES Where? He briefly moved to another State and he he has resided with his sister and several girlfriends. How far away? More than 100 miles away.
3. Does he have any siblings? Yes, a sister.

4. If so, what place is he in sibling order? He is 34 and she is 36.

5. Has he ever been married? No. He says that he was engaged once but he realized that his former fiance did not truly love him.

[allaboutmyman]

How long did you know him before you started dating? 3 months

Is he the only one who needs to break a cycle? Not really...

How close is this relationship mirroring your past ones? This is different because we did not immediately become "official." In past relationships, how quickly have they progressed to 'official couple' status? Immediately!!!!
Can you wait and see what happens in about a month when he supposed to get his own place? Yes. My heart won't let me do anything else.

[CinnamonBrownie]

Wondergirl is right, although based on what I'm hearing from the poster so far, I think the odds are tipped in favor of this gentleman having a pretty obvious commitment issue/problem. And it's been my experience that while women can be pretty good at influencing a man's behavior in the present sense, they're almost completely ineffective at "changing" a man.

[allaboutmyman]

Ok Wondergirl... Where do I go from here?

[Wondergirl]

It sounds like the two of you have entirely opposite ways of dealing with relationships. He won't commit, or at least finds it difficult to (and we don't know why). You on the other hand, said this after someone asked the question, "In past relationships, how quickly have they progressed to 'official couple' status?" Immediately!!!!

What would happen if you did not call him, text him, said no to dates and get-togethers?