[Adispatcher]

Whoever reads this is going to think I'm cruel, I'm prepared to get bashed by anyone who gives me advice to this...

I've been married to my husband for two yrs this April, we've been together almost three yrs total. I am six yrs older than him. When we met & moved in together he came from his parents house (he's 23 right now... ) and I came from living on my own, since I was like 19. I never realized how much we are different till just recently... I should have realized it before because there is so much involved in our relationship/marriage now that it's hard to even picture how to be apart if we were to separate... we have a house, a dog, a life we have started together, including a baby that just recently turned 4 months old.

When my husband & I met we did everything together, which was honestly everything he wanted to do. My hobbies included working out, exercise, staying healthy. He's not into any of that. My fault, I put a lot of that on the back burner & started doing everything he wanted to do. I started believing that I liked to go boating, fishing & sitting at home doing nothing basically. We formed this life around things HE wanted to do. He never wanted to knew what I wanted to do. He never asked. I guess I just started getting used to things, letting myself think I loved doing all the things he wanted to do.

My sisters would invite us to dinner at their houses, he would say NO before I even got the whole question out. But if he wanted to drive the same distance away to go to a store he wanted to go to, or if he wanted to buy bullets for his gun collection like he always does, that was okay. I paid the bills. I never denied him from things he wanted. Me, I never really bought anything for myself, I just watched our credit cards go crazy & max out.

We've only been to the movies once in the entire three yrs we have been together, because every time I asked him to go, he would make an excuse or instead mention maybe renting a movie and watching it at home... which was always something that was just said, nothing we really ever did. When we had the baby, he slept both nights we were in the hospital, he even took a sleeping pill the second night because he was "so tired". He asked me to close the curtain around his bed at the hospital when the nurse came in to help me learn how to breastfeed because it was so new to me, my husband didn't want a light shining on him because he wanted to get his sleep... he even gets frustrated w/the baby, cursing & needing to vent out loud when the baby is crying and he cannot figure out why.

I would find the baby's blankets on the floor when I get home from work, same w his burp rags. His bottles would be dirty either on the couch or in the sink, not one clean one. My husband would say he just didn't have time, he's been busy "dealing" w/the baby... I understand parenting comes more natural to the mother but really come on... My husband calls me once every 45 minutes or so, no joke, when he's at work. He works 24 hour shifts, and while I thought that was flattering at first, I feel like I cannot breath because he calls me sooo much. I've tried time and time again telling him all these things that bother me... he would say yeah okay or barely listen & be back to his old ways... like leaving dirty dishes in the living room along w noodles I would find laying on the couch, his magazines everywhere when it was his time home w/the baby while I was at work, I would hear the baby swing constantly when I was at work and would talk to him on the phone, like that's where the baby was all the time... like he never held him or spent time w/him. He even bought a AR15 (gun), 1000 dollars when I was pregnant, we had been saving ours butts off for when I was on maternity leave... he wanted the gun sooo bad and since he was the one working the overtime for the maternity leave I felt bad saying no to him... so I gave in, and he bought it.. so stupid when I look back..

Anyway... I confided in someone, not intentionally, but because this person is a friend, or was a friend of both mine & my husbands, and while it was probably wasn't the best thing for my husband & my marriage, I fell for this person, bad. He was there for me, he gave me advice and that was that... but I really started forming feelings for him. Because during the time he would give me advice, I was seeing all the things HE likes to do, how independent he is, how he has sooo much ambition, he has his own interests, he;s like me in the sense where he doesn't want to just sit at home & be lazy... He wasn't and still is not a rebound, never. I've been talking to him for three weeks now, alone & have known him for about two months because my husband and him work together, and they've hung out before.

I have fallen in love w/him, no joke. I've never in my life felt this way about any man. He's fallen in love w/me too... we have only talked, texted & kissed. Nothing more. I've visited him at work when my husband wasn't there. We have met at the mall once. I want to be w/this man so badly. He is truly everything I've ever wanted. I was in love w/my husband at one time, and just recently he had the crap scared out of him when I told him I'm thinking we need to separate, get a divorce. He went to his parents and right away they took his side & were devastated. I was pissed he got them involved.

The man I've been seeing has recently stepped back, told me he will always be here for me but cannot do this anymore until I know for sure what I want, w/no doubts because it wouldn't be fair to anyone. I ended up telling my husband I had feelings for this person, didn't tell him we kissed. He was very mad, heartbroken. He's begging me to fix things w/him, says he will listen to my needs from now on, he will do whatever it takes, he won't play on his phone whenever I'm talking anymore, or act uninterested.

But that's the thing, I've given him chances... he never obviously took me serious till I threw the word divorce out there... but I feel like I've been drained of any feeling I had for him. I'm trying to tell myself I DO still love my husband & want to give him a chance... but I don't know if I'm doing it for the right reasons... the man I've been seeing has stepped back, told me I need to try and work things out, give my husband a fair chance first. I'm heartbroken, terrified, because I want to be w/this man more than anything but at the same time I'm scared because it means giving up on a lot, but more material things than anything... divorce means losing the house, me moving out, separating things that belong to each other & most importantly of all, this would effect our son. Which our son is so young, he will always have his myself and my husband in his life, I feel like my happiness is sooo important, and it seems I've always put that on the back burner...

I'm drained, though I told my husband I want to make it work, he's now trying so hard, and being extra extra nice & I'm trying to give him the chance, but I can't stop thinking about my friend, this man who've I've fallen completely head over heels in love with... this man I can picture my life with, and he loves my son. I can't stand when people say they're staying w/their husband & wife for their kids, they're doing it for their kids, they'll never be happy. How can anyone stay w/their husband or wife for the kids, sure they are a very big part of the scenario, they're everything to the scenario but I'm only 29 years old, I'm not 60 yrs old & ready to make that decision of "oh well, I feel like I'm too old to try for something else, I'm staying w/my husband".

Please, I just need to knew what others would do. I want to be w/this other man. I can't bare to think of my life without him. And my son will always be number one regardless. I love him more than words. This other man has barely spoken to me the last couple days because he thinks I need to give my husband a fair chance, he's feeling guilty for the relationship we have formed, the kissing. My husband is becoming overwhelming & trying sooo hard that it feels almost forced & barely feels the same anymore, it's like it should have been this good all the time, we have only been together for 3 yrs, it shouldn't have gotten this bad. And we are sooo different. Please someone, give me advice.

[ScottGem]

I'm not going to bash you, but I'm also not going to read that whole narrative. Can you boil it down to a few sentences?

[chefpierce]

First of all, your husband sounds spoiled; I bet his parents have given him a lot in life, and never had to really work for things. Second, you're living for someone else; not yourself. Third, because divorces can get nasty, you're anticipating a bad ordeal, where you think you will lose more than you will gain. I've been in this situation before, and I went ahead with the divorce. What I would do, since you have already brought up the topic of divorce (as you can see, he freaked out because he NEEDS YOU), discuss with your husband the things that make you want a divorce. Tell him how you're feeling, what you have experienced to cause you to come to this conclusion, and how you think the relationship is very one-sided. A relationship is a compromise, and constantly needs attention and work. He cannot simply accept the fact that he "won" you over, and now he can just mosey on with whatever he wants to do, and you are NOT his property. Speaking of this subject, you might have been an enabler, as you conformed to his way of life, in which you find yourself in this predicament. Get all of the stuff off your chest that is bringing you down in this relationship. You also shouldn't put your healthy way of living on the back burner... do you not have your own sense of identity? Do things that make you happy. Don't let him rack up on the bills getting whatever he wants.. it's a two way street, and you shouldn't be bound to "his" way only. When you confront him, don't put it in a tone where he goes on the defense and shuts down emotionally, because you will never get through, and you could jeopardize the relationship, instead, be nice, civil, and open to suggestions. Remember, don't attack, simply state your issues. Arguing can lead too much worse things.

As far as your new "friend", do give your husband the chance to change bad habits, but remember, these things don't happen over night. Hopefully, he will make an effort to change his behavior. AND TELL HIM HE'S NOT TO CALL YOU EVERY FREAKING HOUR... That's borderline psychotic behavior as he's checking up on you because he's INSECURE. Hope this helps...
Chef

[talaniman]

Are you crazy or something? What do you expect of a young 23 year old guy who has never been on his own, much less a father and husband. Instead of patiently teaching the guy you go on, and on about what he isn't dong blah, blah, so now your unhappy and ready to dump the guy you married, who is busting his butt now that he understands the error of his ways, for another guy who has done so much in a few months.

I respectively submit that you have made many mistakes yourself, and just as stupid as ones your young husband has made.

To add, its so easy to fall for a guy who has proven nothing, but you are so impressed, but he has no responsibility, as does your husband, and can impress a needy sad, female easily. His co worker friend no less!!

To not work on your marriage and make stupid excuses about being in love after two months of knowing his friend is a dilly bar move. A dilly bar is a female that has made scatterbrained mistakes, and expects to be bailed out of her misery by someone else's effort.

What irks me the most was I had read your other post,

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adopti...er-463954.html

So at 25 you weren't ready for responsibility, and he came along and accepted you for who you are and after all that you can't give him an honest chance at redemption, as you have had. Like I said, that's a dilly bar move.

Leave the other guy alone and meet your husband half way. But when I think about it, divorce him as all you are doing is leading him on and filling him with false hope because you really do want to jump the fence for the greener looking grass on the other side.

Do so! Instead of making a fool out of your husband. He will be devastated, but have a chance in the future for happiness with a solid partner.

[joypulv]

Onanonanonan... you could have told this in 3 sentences.
You have pitted two men against each other. Telling your husband about 'feelings' for his coworker (they work at the same place right?), yet telling him you want to make it work, yet telling him you've given him plenty of chances - you are contradicting yourself, wish washy, and far, far too bogged down in stultifying details about magazines and burp cloths. Get a grip. I can't get over how many people think someone is the one they see themselves spending forever with and then think the next one is. And the next.

And the kids get shuffled around like sacks of potatoes.

[talaniman]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to joypulv again.

That a whole lot of trying to justify her dilly bar thinking.