[mrsh]

I could not agree with you more. A few years ago at a H&S meeting a mother spoke. She told the story of her child and how she committed suicide. She went on to explain that after her daughter's death she went through her things and found every red flag imaginable. The Mom went on and gave the advice to look through the books and the computer. If she had not been so concerned about letting her kid have some privacy she would probably be alive. A little big brother can go a long way with you kids.

[BigRed1500]

What century are you people from? Discipline? Not putting her on BC? Please, you can't really believe that those are realistic options.

Putting her on BC gives her a green light? OK let's drop this war cry of the republicans and religious right. It protects her. Tell her its important to use it and condoms all the time. Or would you prefer that she stop talking to you altogether, then sneaking around and banging this guy in the back of a car or hotel with nothing? Think back to when you were a teenager. You were going to do whatever you wanted to do regardless of your parent's opinions, so at least help her make informed, safe decisions.

As for the discipline - try it. What are you going to do, ground her for having sex? Sure, then she goes back to sneaking around and doing it when you're not able to keep tabs on her - after school, friend's house, etc. it amazes me that people lose all contact with reality once they become parents. You were a kid and did stupid stuff too, remember that.

[BIM]

Oh, I TOTALLY and STRONGLY disagree with this.



Yes, she does, it is done in her house, on her computer. She is the mother she has every right to check on her daughter.

It is obvious you are not a parent. And IF you are then it is because of parents like you that some children act the way they do today.

They are CHILDREN they need guidance, that is what parents are there for. Too many parents like you treat their CHILDREN as adults and give them WAY too much freedom. This is a recipe for disaster!!

Dead on J_9! Tried to spead the love but couldn't. I will totally keep in touch with what my son will be doing and is doing-- he needs to know right from wrong BEFORE it happens.

I'll probably be coming here for lots of advice when he reaches his teens! Ugh:eek:

[RosieLovesRob]

I just thought ide give my opinion as I have just turned 15 and I may be able to relate to your daughters point of view a little better than some, I know that I am not a mother and I'm sure it does make you feel sick and I'm sure it worries you, but if she thinks she is ready then.. maybe she is.. I lost my vaginity to my boyfriend when I was 13.. & I was ready.. no one thought I was bad for doing it.. because evryone could see I was ready.. I don't believe in sex with random boys.. I think girls should have more respect for themselves than that.. but these days by the time you are 14 a lot of people would have had sex,most of my friends have and had done by the time they were 14.. some girls see it as the only way too get attention from boys.. and if that's the case then they need to be told differently but some girls see it as love.. just because we are young doesn't mean we don't know what we're doing.. a 14 year old girl doesn't have to be wrong to have sex.. ahd she wouldn't necessarily regret it either.. I totally understand what all you mums are saying.. and I know that my mother would feel the same way if she knew that I have had sex.. but I am still with the boy that I lost my vaginity too.. and I am proud of that.. why would I be ashamed.. I may be 15 but I can make my own discisons and most of the time they are the right ones too.. I am not by all means saying that you should just let your daughter go out and do whatever she wants but.. maybe you should let her know that you wouldn't be angry at her if she did decide to something like that.. because if she thinks your going too shout at her and punish her then she'll just do it behind your back.. for example when I go to parties I ask my mum to buy me a bit of alcohol.. if I thought she would turn round and say no.. now your not going to the party.. I wouldn't ask her too get it for me.. I would just get it behind her back.. and I'm sure all mums would rather know what there daughters doing than worry about it all the time. You seem like a really good and caring mum and its nice that you worry so much.. but honestly if she thought you were going to get angry about it and punish her for it.. she will just do it behind your back in the future, but I think from a girls point of view you did the right thing by talking to her about it. XXx Good Luck xXx

[ScottGem]

but if she thinks she is ready then..maybe she is..i lost my vaginity to my boyfriend when i was 13..& i was ready..no one thought i was bad for doing it..because evryone could see i was ready..

..just because we are young doesnt mean we dont know what we're doing..a 14 year old girl doesnt have to be wrong to have sex..ahd she wouldnt neccesarily regret it either

I have to wonder who is this everyone who could see you were ready is. Because, frankly, I can tell you they are wrong. At 13, 14 or 15 you are NOT ready to have a child. You have neither the experience, the emotional stability, the financial resources or anything else necessary to raise a child.

Your whole note indicates a lack of maturity that further shows your lack of readiness.

I don't expect you to believe me since you are too selfishly wrapped up in your own wants (more evidence of your lack of readiness). But I had to comment on the bad advice you gave here.

[RosieLovesRob]

Welll that's fair enough.. im not saying that were all ready too have children.. but I don't think our minds should be made up by other people. Only we can decide weather were ready or not.. no one else.. im young.. but not stupid.. and same goes for many other teenagers.. I am just saying if she tells her daughter not to do something then the chances are.. she will probably go right out and do it.. because that's how a teenagers mind works.. but I know that none of you would agree with anything I'm saying because your all mums and just look at me and think she must be imature thinking she's in love and thinking she's ready for sex and ready for a relationship.. no one can tell me weather I'm ready or not and same goes to your daughter.. I am just giving my opinion.. like everyone else.. I may be wrong.. but if so.. it is not because I am young and immature! XXx

[ScottGem]

welll thats fair enough..im not saying that were all ready too have children..but i dont think our minds should be made up by other people.

See that's my point. I do not believe that anyone (male or female) should be having intercourse unless they are prepared to have a baby. No birth control is 100%. So if you were not ready to have a baby, you have no business doing something that could result in in one.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you shouldn't be intimate with your boyfriend. I'm not so naïve that I expect young people to not experiment. But there are ways to enjoy the intimacy without the risks.

As for making up your minds for you, you have shown that you are too young to make this decision for yourself.

[RosieLovesRob]

Yeah okk I understand that.. and thanks for your opinion and yeah that's true.. I already made that decision 2 years ago and haven't had regrets once so I personally believe that shows that I made the right decision.. but OK I understand your point.. thanks xx

[J_9]

Rosie, the decision you made, you think is right for you right now.

However, you may think differently in about 10 years. So bear with us here, we have years of experience on us. You are but 15 tender years, when I was 15 I thought I knew everything too. Until I had my first child. Now, I swear I have turned into my mother, because even though I did not want to believe it, she did know more than I did.

[ScottGem]

Sorry, but the fact that you haven't regretted that decision doesn't prove it was the right one. All it proves is that nothing bad has resulted from that decision YET!

[wizzkid89]

Honestly, I don't believe that rosie will regret her decision. If she hasn't already, I don't see any basis for her regretting it other than wanting to have saved herself for marriage. Which obviously wasn't her choice, and that's perfectly acceptable. However, I do believe your experience was an anomaly, and that the majority of the time, girls who are that young do not have a pleasurable "first time".

As with girls 13-15 having sex this early, I believe, rather adamantly, that it's wiser to wait. Now this is not to say that I think one should be prepared on all the fronts Scott brought up, financially, emotionally etc. But I do believe that a person who engages in sex should be prepared to make those adjustments and accept the consequences, whether that be to keep the baby or abort it. I may have misinterpreted your statement Scott, but what I understood from it was that a couple should have every one of the fronts you brought up covered, and I imagined a closet full of pampers...

[mrsh]

I have to agree with j_9. As parents we bring years of experience to the table. It's not as if you become a parent and you suddenly become stiff and a prude.
I know when I was a young teen girl I was pretty sure I had all the answers. I also thought I knew what was best for me. Looking back now, I didn't know squat.

"If I knew then what I know now"

So, as Moms and Dads we try to guide our kids with knowledge that can only be acquired over the years. I had every kind of friend growing up. Some turned out great, some didn't.
I know every one of there stories and the mistakes they made. I know the mistakes that I made and I don't want my kids to make the same mistakes. Having sex at 13 or 14 is a huge mistake.

[mrsh]

Also, spelling "there" was a mistake.:rolleyes:

[wizzkid89]

It is a huge mistake, but there is a flaw with that theory. On life changing decisions like this one, it's important to inform the child that he or she is making a huge mistake and if required intervene. However, doing this all the time will give the kid a dependency on the parent that will only be detrimental to the child as their life progresses. So it's important to say, let the bird spread it's wings on his/hers own and try and fly from the nest. However, like I said, with circumstances like these intervention is inevitable.

[RosieLovesRob]

OK.. I agree that the majority of the time it is a big mistake.. 14 year olds becoming pregnant.. 15 year olds with sexual infections.. but sometimes it isn't a 'mistake' even if I am pregnant now.. and even if my boyfriend that I've been with for two years walked away.. I still wouldn't consider it as a mistake, we have broken up before and we have been apart for very long periods.. at some points I thought we would never get back together but never once did I regret having sex with him.. even when I thought it was the end of our relationship.. because I have lost my vaginity too my first love and personally I would rather that than losing it when I am 20 to a random man from a night club.. I know that I have made many mistakes.. and having a sexual relationship so young has caused many of them.. but I do not regret losing my vaginity to the boy I love.. despite the fact that I was so young.. it isn't about weather teen sex is right or wrong.. because it totally depends on the circumstances but personally me being in the circumstances that I am in now.. I don't believe that I made a mistake.. I don't regret it now.. and I don't think I will regret it in ten years time.. I know that I won't be with my boyfriend all my life.. nothing lasts forever.. but just because he may not be the boy I spend the rest if my life with doesn't mean that losing my vaginity to him was a mistake.. there aren't many people that are married to the man that they lost there vaginity too. My mum fell in love with a boy at my age, got engaged to him at my age, lost her vaginity to him at my age, married him at 17 and stayed married to him for 20 years.. and gave birth and raised two beautiful children by him.. do you think she regrets having sex with him so young?. She is a wonderful mum and she worries about her daughter having sex just like any decent mother would.. but she wouldn't try telling me not to do so.. there would be no point..
I am understanding everything your saying and I agree with a lot of it.. but saying that I must of made a mistake because I'm young? I strongly dissagree.. I don't think anyone could possibly be able too tell me weather I was wrong for doing so and I don't think anyone could tell me that I was not ready because only I am able to tell weather I was ready.. no one else. I was ready.. it didn't change anything.. it just brought me and my boyfriend closer.. your first sexual relaionship should be with your first love.. and mine was.. I was happy when I did it.. I was happy before I did it.. and I am happy now.. and I always will be happy that I made that decision.. despite weather I stay with him or not.. it was not a mistake.

[Reang]

You should get her the right info. Condoms, birth control, STD testing centers. Tell her that although you're giving her this info that it doesn't mean it's okay for her to go out and have sex. And tell her to make sure to get him tested. Never would you want her to catch something.

AND NEVER EVER EVER come to her and just tell her no she can't go out and do these things. Don't just stomp your foot on things, 'cause that might cause her to do it to spite you... A form of rebellion.

[ScottGem]

On life changing decisions like this one, it's important to inform the child that he or she is making a huge mistake and if required intervene. However, doing this all the time will give the kid a dependency on the parent that will only be detrimental to the child as their life progresses.

But you forget the fact that children ARE dependent on their parents. The whole point of the family as an institution is to nurture children until they are ready to fend for themselves. Sure there comes a point when parents need to let go. That point comes earlier for some, later for others. Almost always the child and the parent will disagree about when that point comes. But the parent has a responsibility towards the child and they have to do what they think is right.

This is why I am against children having intercourse (note, I'm being specific here). Because they are just not ready to deal with a child.

i know that i have made many mistakes..and having a sexual relationship so young has caused many of them...

If you admit you have made mistakes then deep down you really do regret your choice. You just can't admit it to yourself.

Now before you jump all over me, based on what you have written here, I think you will be OK. I think you do understand that, if your actions have worked out for you, you represent the exception not the rule. I just read about a study that showed that girls who lose their virginity earlier than their peers are 20% more likely to fall into delinquency and other problems. I'm assuming, since you seem to have avoided pregnancy and STDs, that you are practicing safe sex, so at least you have shown some degree of responsibility there.

My main point in responding to your initial post in this thread was that, while things may have worked out for you, the advice you gave was not really good advice.

To sum up my advice here. I do not believe ANYONE should engage in intercourse until they are prepared to deal with pregnancy. I believe that no one should become intimate with anyone else at any level, unless there is a strong emotional attachment present.

[J_9]

I'm assuming, since you seem to have avoided pregnancy and STDs, that you are practicing safe sex, so at least you have shown some degree of responsibility there.

Guess what Scott, she is waiting to see a doctor because she thinks she may be pregnant.

She also says that her and her boyfriend of 2 years have been broken up for a long time. I am wondering what constitutes a "long time" this day in age.

[mrsh]

Yeah... She has all of the information she needs. I don't keep my kid in a bubble. She has her own life. She will and does make her own mistakes. Excuse me for not wanting to be a grandmother or... bail my kid out of jail or... check her into rehab.I know she is going to do things I don't approve of. Asserting a bit of independence is normal and healthy, it's how we all mature. She is a well rounded kid and she confides in me all the time. I am the "cool Mom" in her circle. They tell everything. I would never buy the booze or tell them it's OK to have sex at 13 or 14.

Oh, by the way. She doesn't even talk to this boy anymore.

[ScottGem]

Guess what Scott, she is waiting to see a doctor because she thinks she may be pregnant.

OOPS!

Well if she is then the regrets will soon start piling up.

They did a feature on ABC News last night about college students volunteering to teach Sex Ed and other Health related topics for middle and high school students. Seems the younger kids related better to people closer to their own age teaching them about such things.