[muffin55]

Earlier this year I broke off a 7 year relationship (I'm 26). I jumped into another relationship that lasted for 6 months until he suddenly "changed"... he has emotional issues. I broke it off because he was too coward to. But, I thought I was in love, we told each other we loved each other, talked about marriage, etc. He was wonderful at first, then, I don't know what changed inside him. I was physically intimate with him because I trusted him, everything he told me, now I feel dirty for being with him physically and feeling like he threw me away, although at the time he seemed to care for me so much. Now I'm a mess, I hate myself. I haven't wanted to touch food for a month, I sleep terribly, haven't exercised much, and have crying spells. He won't even answer my occasional texts/calls, he said he wanted to be friends but he lied about that too I guess. He only texted me once at 3 am saying he missed me and wanted me to come over, but I'm guessing he was drunk. I haven't attempted to contact him again. I feel like a fool. I wish I didn't share myself with him, but I trusted him. I tried to have good thoughts towards him. Now I hate him. My mother says I should date, I went on one date and my emotions came back strong and I'm messed up again, I can't do it. I thought it would be healthy to go on dates here and there... of course I will not jump into anything again, I learned that was a bad idea. I don't want to be around my parents. My mother said "well at least you didn't do anything you regret"... yeah right. She doesn't know the pain I've been through. Every time I'm around my family I feel intense failure about all of this. I feel like if they knew I slept with him they'd think I was a horrible person and that's always in my mind. I have a 7-year relationship to get over AND now this one. I am so afraid of men now. But I have no appetite and am sad and feeling angry and can't sleep and cry in the middle of nowhere. Please help... I'm so afraid every guy will do something like this to me. How can I move on...

[talaniman]

QUOTE by muffin55;
Quick version of my story:
Earlier this year I broke off a 7 year relationship (I'm 26). I jumped into another relationship that lasted for 6 months until he suddenly "changed"... he has emotional issues.

This was hardly all him, as you are the one who jumped when he came around and thought you had something without taking your time and checking it out thoroughly first. No way do you get to blame the emotional issues of a stranger for a situation you help along!!

But, I thought I was in love, we told each other we loved each other, talked about marriage, etc.

In the first 6 months?? Come on you had to know better, that things were going too fast, and you assumed he was as in love as you. He wasn't, but you were so in love, or wanted to be, that what sounded good was enough.

He was wonderful at first, then, I don't know what changed inside him. I was intimate with him because I trusted him, everything he told me.

He didn't change inside, he was telling you what you wanted to hear because he knew you were easy prey.

Now I'm a mess. I haven't wanted to touch food for a month, I sleep terribly, haven't exercised much, and have crying spells. He won't even answer my occasional texts/calls, he said he wanted to be friends but he lied about that too I guess. I feel like a fool.

Misguided would be a better word because you gave your heart to a stranger with pretty words and he gave you a lot of attention, and you just ate it up. Never trust a stranger until he has proven he deserves your heart after a lot of time has passed, certainly more than 6 months of a roller coaster thrill ride. I supposed its better than the drudgery of recovering from a failed 7 year relationship, but costly to your heart. Be done with him, chase him no more and don't allow him to contact you in any way, shape, or form.

I wish I didn't share myself with him, but I trusted him. Now I hate him. How can I move on? My mother says I should date, I went on one date and my emotions came back from before, I can't do it. She doesn't know the pain I've been through. I have a 7-year relationship to get over AND now this one. I am so afraid of men now.

Again, you try to rush yourself to happiness, you are afraid, not just of men but of making a mistake again. Still no time for a proper healing.

I thought it would be healthy to go on dates here and there... of course I will not jump into anything again, I learned that was a bad idea. But I have no appetite and am sad and feeling angry and can't sleep. Please help... I'm so afraid every guy will do something like this to me.

Own your part, and forgive yourself for being so eager to be loved again, you put yourself at the mercy of a conniving devious stranger who had sweet words but a hidden agenda. Finally don't date at all, and take your time and heal properly, and that could be years, but that's what you need. Take your time to grieve and then rebuild your life with just friends and activities that make you happy, and start learning to love yourself by doing good things for yourself. It will take a long time to heal, but for once take your time and be in love with yourself. You can do this, but being afraid, and blaming others will help nothing, so be good to yourself, and never depend on someone to make you happy with yourself.

[muffin55]

I don't think he was intentionally trying to hurt me. I still believe he has a good heart. When I said emotional issues, he does, because he told me, he told me he still has issues from being adopted and from a previous relationship ending badly... and I overlooked these red flags. He became ill and hasn't recovered since, and that happened after about 5 months, he was bedridden for a month, and he changed during that time, he was dwelling on our differences and how it would be hard to be together for the long term because of it, dwelling on his dire financial situation and how his money was less and less because of medical bills, repairs, etc, realized he couldn't do anything for me/take care of ME because of that, and felt powerless as a man to take care of me.
Yes, I should have protected my heart and not rushed it. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm trying to forgive him and myself. Yes, I was misguided. I am also harboring resentment towards my mother for never even having the "talk" with me about relationships or sex, then maybe I wouldn't have stayed in a crappy one so long and moved into another one so fast. I wish someone could have told me these lessons, it's a HARD one to have to learn on my own, and I'm trying to be forgiving of myself but I feel broken hearted and depressed, low, alone.I don't know if I'll ever get over the guilt and failure I'm feeling right now.

[talaniman]

YOU WILL, and be a much wiser person for it.

[Just Looking]

Most people make what they consider to be mistakes in their dating life. I can tell you the mistakes I made were much worse than yours, especially when it came to trusting the wrong man and getting hurt physically and emotionally. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and not give up. Don’t beat yourself up for having a physical relationship with a man who you feel changed, especially one with his own health problems. Next time, be more careful whom you fall for and whom you trust. It’s all about learning from your “mistakes”. If you can’t get over your feelings of depression and feeling bad about yourself, seek help. This could be from a counselor, clergy, or trusted friend or relative.

I noticed a couple of things in your post that I want to address. You are upset that your mother didn’t guide you more, but it seems you weren’t really honest with her. She didn’t know you were physically involved with the man, yet you want to blame her for not telling you it was a mistake. Did your mother know the problems in your first relationship? You can’t expect her to give you good advice unless you are honest with her. You are also old enough to figure these things out for yourself, but if you want her help consider confiding in her now. Second, you mention staying in a crappy relationship (the 7 year one) for too long. That tells me you don’t really know what you want or you don’t value yourself enough to find it. Third, the second man has significant problems he is dealing with and I hope you can find a way to be understanding rather than blame him.

You are not in the right frame of mind to date yet. You really need to get healthier first. I know it’s hard to sleep, eat right, and exercise when you feel so low … but you have to find a way to do that. Start with small steps. Right now you are overwhelmed by your feelings. There are many ways to overcome that and you need to find what works best for you. Do you enjoy writing? If so, you could journal your thoughts. Do you enjoy sports or exercise? That was a big outlet for my frustrations – either running or playing racquetball. Have you ever tried yoga or meditation? Both are great stress relievers. Above all, forgive yourself and learn to accept that this is all part of growing and learning.

Are you doing anything to improve your life? Have you been to college? Do you have a job you enjoy? Do you have goals? Everyone is different, but when I am stressed I like to make lists of what I need to accomplish and then figure out how to do it. I find that clears my mind and gives me the direction I need to proceed.

Any of the above will help you to sleep better. When I really had trouble sleeping, I would read other stories in here. You’ll find a lot of people who were just as low and depressed as you are, and you will find some great stories of how they overcame their feelings. Fortunately, my story is one of those. I just got married to a great man. I went through some bad times in my dating life, but I didn’t give up and I knew what I wanted. Give some thought to what you want, but allow yourself to heal first. Good luck.

[muffin55]

Your advice is helpful, thank you.
My mother was severely emotionally (and to some extent physically) abused as a child/teen by her parents and also brothers... she still has huge guilt, regret, shame, and self esteem issues and is still shunned by certain family members for no good reason, and I've never been able to be close to her emotionally. One time in my teens I tried talking to her and told her I thought I had low self esteem, and she told me to "get over it" and laughed at me. I was sick for several years in high school which severely affected myself esteem, I was very depressed but hid it, I did some forms of self injury during that time but hid it. My brother is autistic and it was hell growing up during high school, everyone fought all the time and if I tried to ask them to stop yelling I was told to shut my mouth and that I had no right to speak up. So I've developed into a very quiet person (was already shy to begin with) who finds it hard to speak up or be assertive. We've had very bad fights in the past, with her chasing me out of the house throwing things at me. I had a good friend my age I confided in for many years because I couldn't talk to my mom. Her behavior stopped during my college years and it has never been that bad since. I could never even think about talking to her about sex given my history with her. Sometimes I don't want to be around her although I love her. I know she's terrified of being like her own mother.
So you're right, I don't know what's good for me or what I want or need. I don't think I CAN EVER rely on her for good advice or guidance. I have an older close friend who is almost like a "surrogate mom" and she has been trying to help me deal with things lately. I've been more honest with her than with my own mom and I've been trying to forgive myself, too.
As for him, I had feelings of compassion towards him at first for what he is going through, but lately it's feeling of hatred, abandonment, that he lied, etc. He wouldn't even accept my phone calls. He threw me away and I feel so hurt.
Does it sound like I would benefit from talking to a counselor? I have a good new job and they offer employee assistance including counseling services or at least the resources to find one.

[answerme_tender]

Muffin55

You need to use that employee assistance for some counseling. You need to talk to a professional, not just about your adult relationships, but your childhood.

You still appear to have a lot of anger, and heartache from your childhood. The lack of attention and understanding from your mother is still holding you back. Every time something bad happens to you, its back to the dwelling on how bad you have had it all your life.

If your shy, and have low self-esteem, etc. Then you are going to have to learn to put yourself out there some how,some way. First get the counseling, see what they suggest for you to move on with your life. But also don't waste anymore of your life by dwelling on what could have been, what should I of done different,blah,blah,blah. Get your butt out and do something that you would always be too scared or too shy to do. Try a unified sport, bowling,volleyball,softball. Get into a book club, or try volunteering for under priviledged children. Learn the techniques that you will need to be able to cope with your future children, so you don't repeat what you feel your mother did. Good luck

[Just Looking]

I agree with everything answerme_tender has written. I think counseling would be your best first move. I've sought counseling twice in my life, for several months each time. The first time was in 2008 when my parents were killed in a car accident and I was having a hard time coping. I needed to deal with my grief and figure out the next direction in my life. The second time was after the relationship I mentioned. After I broke up with him for lying to me, he severely beat me. I was angry, hurt, and wanted to be sure I proceeded in a healthy way. Both times I got the help I needed. It's important to find a good counselor and really apply yourself to getting better. The best way to find a good counselor is through recommendations.

Volunteer work is a good way to open up and to feel better about yourself, and at the same time you are helping others in need. Sports are one way to meet new people and have fun. There are many ways, depending on your interests.

Given the situation with your mother, she will not be the one you can turn to for guidance. You'll have to accept that. I'm glad you have a surrogate mother who you feel comfortable in confiding.

I hope you'll keep posting and let us know how you are doing. The people on this website are compassionate and caring, and they'll be honest with you. I know they gave me a lot to think about, and they also gave me a lot of support. Many of them have come through adversity, so they can relate to what you are expressing. As I said before, if you haven't already, read some of the stories in here. It will give you hope.

[muffin55]

Thanks... I don't know if I can get rec's for a good counselor since it's just through the employee assistance program but at least it's somewhere to start, and may turn out to be an okay program. I will keep you updated.

[rockie100]

I feel for you. Just wanted to suggest that you start by eating. Take bites if you can't do a meal. Choose healthy things you like. I have found that lack of nutrition affects how I think, and thus, how I respond to situations. Things tend to become clearer when I eat and sleep proper. (Oh, and NC!)

[muffin55]

Thank you. I ate much better today- possible just from getting kind and positive responses from people like you and realizing some things.

We are not in contact. When we broke up, he had said he wanted to stay in touch and that he still cared about me. I had texted once the 1st week we broke up. No response. I texted once the 2nd week, and he responded at 3 am with texts and missed calls asking me to come over, saying he missed me/needed me. I left a voicemail the next morning, completely out of care and concern, saying I was willing to talk, I hope you're okay, and to please get back to me, let me know and said please don't ignore me after all this. He ignored me.

That's what has hurt the most, thinking about how much he cared before, how he said he still did, then completely ignoring me unless it was him who needed someone. He abandoned me. And yet, earlier on he said he had abandonment issues from his childhood. This is why I've lost my kinder feelings towards him. I will still never be unkind to him if he needed something. I know my adverse feelings will pass and I'll come to forgive him even if he never talks to me again. I won't be contacting him again after his shunning me, after I replied to him out of concern. I can't believe he may never want to see me or talk to me again. He had said how happy he was to be with me... how can someone just change and throw someone away after getting close to another person? It's like as soon as he got sick (where he was in bed for a month), he changed. From that point on it was like he was forcing it to work and everything was different... he said he had time to think how different we were, how we were utterly broke and couldn't even take me out to dinner and felt like he had no business even being in a relationship with anyone. I obviously don't have closure. He kept saying I hadn't done anything, I was a good girlfriend... but that something had changed for him. That's all he could articulate.

Why would he act like that?

[Just Looking]

He has his own problems. You have to let it go and think about yourself now and how to get better.

Are you eating better? Have you tried to go out for a walk or done something else physical? Are you sleeping? Have you looked into the employee assistance program at work?

Those are the important questions you need to address now. Dwelling on the past isn't healthy for you. Working towards a better present and future is.

[muffin55]

Yes- I've actually had an appetite this week. I exercised today, it felt great. I've sleep somewhat better. I have an appointment made with a counselor for next week. I met an old friend for coffee tonight, will be meeting another tomorrow, have plans with another friend Saturday night. I think I'm doing everything the right way now... feels good to start forgiving myself and accepting and looking ahead.

[Just Looking]

That's great. I'm so glad to hear it, and especially glad that you are feeling better. Keep it up! :)

[muffin55]

He called me AGAIN at 2 am last night. Ugh, I am trying to move on. But it does tell me he still thinks of me. He's the one who has contacted ME the last 2 weeks, even if it is a late night possibly drunk call. But hey I've been drunk and not called him. I didn't even recognize his number at first because I deleted it from my cell phone. I even went so far as to BLOCK him on Facebook already so I can't even let myself see his picture or status. And yes I've been tempted to unblock but I know that will erase my progress. He either wants me in his life or he doesn't. He needs to man up and make a freakin' choice for once. No, I didn't talk to him. When I do think of him, it's either in terms of good times or in terms of the red flags I overlooked that convince me I could never be with him, weird things... knowing he has major life issues to sort out.
Why is this almost comical to me now? I'm too busy with my life for this stuff right now.

[Just Looking]

I like the way you are thinking. :) If those calls are waking you up, consider for now turning your phone off or putting it on silent mode. You need your sleep. You mention that he needs to make a choice, but you also get a choice in this. Do you want him in your life? Sure there were good times, but you also recognize the red flags that you had previously ignored. Why settle for less than you want? It sounds like you are on your way to a much healthier outlook, and with that comes the knowledge that you deserve better. You are young and have lots of time to meet the right man. If you can continue healing and feeling better about yourself, you will have a much better self-image and will not accept what you have in the past.

[talaniman]

I too like your outlook, as you acknowledge the feelings, but don't let them blind you to the facts.

You are coming along very nicely especially considering where you started. Keep it up.

[muffin55]

I kind of want to tell him to stop calling me unless you have the intention of actually talking to me, otherwise, leave me alone. But that is kind of mean. So I'm not saying anything. I didn't want to be mean at any point.

[Just Looking]

He called me AGAIN at 2 am last night. Ugh, I am trying to move on. But it does tell me he still thinks of me. He's the one who has contacted ME the last 2 weeks, even if it is a late night possibly drunk call. But hey I've been drunk and not called him. I didn't even recognize his number at first b/c I deleted it from my cell phone. I even went so far as to BLOCK him on facebook already so I can't even let myself see his picture or status. And yes I've been tempted to unblock but I know that will erase my progress. He either wants me in his life or he doesn't. He needs to man up and make a freakin' choice for once. No, I didn't talk to him. When I do think of him, it's either in terms of good times or in terms of the red flags I overlooked that convince me I could never be with him, weird things....knowing he has major life issues to sort out.
Why is this almost comical to me now? I'm too busy with my life for this stuff right now.

I kind of want to tell him to stop calling me unless you have the intention of actually talking to me, otherwise, leave me alone. But that is kind of mean. So I'm not saying anything. I didn't want to be mean at any point.

If you read your first post here, you are "realizing that you could never be with him. He has major life issues to sort out." Why are you giving him the power to decide if he wants to talk to you? You sound so much better in your first post than you did during the last week. I feel like you are on your way to becoming healthier, accepting yourself, and figuring out what you want. Talking to him would be taking a step back in your progress. You are not being mean by standing up for yourself. You have already broken it off with him, so he should understand why you aren't taking his calls. There is no reason to tell him anything. Take some time to read the stickies in this forum to give you a better understanding of what you are going through and what you need to do to heal from this relationship.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-510423.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-510419.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-510425.html

When you are tempted to break NC, read the stickies again and/or post in here. Give it a little time and I know you will feel even better about everything.

[muffin55]

Even a text saying leave me alone is a bad idea?