[Orion35]

Okay... so I've never posted on a site like this. I'm just sick of talking to friends and family about it, because they're opinions are biased. They're either on my side, or my wife's.

So here's the deal... We got married in July, 08... We have a beautiful little boy. A few months ago after my father passed away, she said she wanted a separation... I felt like it came out of nowhere... While we were working out the details of the separation (which I had no say in.) I noticed she was acting weird... having muffled conversations in the other room... deleting call logs... erasing texts, etc... So I checked our phone records... (she made me turn into a private investigator.) Turns out she's been talking to this low life who hit on her at work... They've been talking almost our entire marriage... since Feb 09, they've been talking and texting, day and night. His name is on her call/text records more than mine or any other number.

So I threw this information at her, and she got defensive... saying it never got physical... and that she needed a friend to talk to... I'm having a really hard time believing it never got physical. I found out recently that they didn't ONLY talk, they hung out... at least 40 times... She lied about hanging out with friends, and saw him. STILL she says nothing physical. I refuse to believe it, but have yet to find evidence... I'm at a loss. I want to make this work, cause I'm still in love with her... and for my son's sake... but I feel like she's lying... if things have gotten physical, I'm done... Any girls out there think she'd talk and hang out with a guy for a year and a half and NOT get physical? I'm frustrated... I just want the truth, but she'll NEVER give it to me.

Any help is appreciated...

[rebeccahstrean]

Well smell her, smell her underware, stop having sex for a week then have sex and if it feels weird in those places then yes. Um... look at her bank statements, look in her car, ask her friends, hire a private investegater. And yeah... I hope this will help you

[Orion35]

Haha, smell her. We never have sex, so I can't do the week without suggestion... No money is missing... her friends have no idea... I'm my own private investigator... Still, that's kind of a good idea...

[Enigma1999]

I can see where you are coming from.

I'm a little frustrated right now, from reading your post.

Regardless is she cheated physically or not, she is confiding in this man, and to me that IS cheating. Mentally that is.

Plus she is lying about her where abouts, so she can get together with him.

It's not like she was trying to include you in on their friendship.

I think it's very childish on her part.

I would never make my husband feel insecure about a male friend. NEVER. If I knew that I was, then I would STOP.

I would give her an ultimatum. YOU or this friend.

I'm not usually an ultimatum girl, but this is ridiculous!

[kpg0001]

Haha I don't know about smelling her. Intimacy is a huge part of marriage and on top of that you don't trust her, and she is hanging out with another dude. Is she still hanging out with him? I don't think a marriage can last without intimacy and trust. I would get a lawyer and start getting things sorted out asap. Just make sure she doesn't know about it until you are ready to take the next step, which is telling her, but by that time you are all set.

[slapshot_oi]

She lied about hanging out with friends, and saw him.

Enigma's right as usual, it doesn't even matter if she got physical, it's still wrong.

Since you're prepared to leave her, I suggest to get divorce proceedings moving and don't even bother finding out whether she slept with this guy because it's only going to create stress for you.

Short of divorce, I don't know what you can do to save this marriage considering half of the marriage was spent with another guy.

[talaniman]

I don't think it matters one bit if she was physical or not. The only thing that does is she wants a separation, so give it to her and talk to a lawyer. All that wanting to hold on, and reconcile for your son, and wondering if she is screwing someone else, is all well and good but irrelevant, and distracting from the true dilemma to deal with. She wants out!!! Give her what she wants, and let her live without you, because its what she wants for whatever reason.

Sounds hard, but she told you to your face how she feels now and you would be a fool to disregard it and NOT protect your own interests. So stop investigating, and assume she is screwing around, and handle your business like a partner that has been cheated on, and about to be abandoned.

While you are looking for evidence of the past, she has made her plan for the future, Mr. Private Eye!!

[kirby35]

Caught my wife cheating a year ago... if there is no sex and she is just hanging out with the guy then she probably wouldn't feel it is necessary to erase call logs and stuff. And I found out the hard way that if they lie about one thing they have no problem lying about another... sorry bro but I ould have to think that there is a little more going on than what she admits to.
Take care of yourself

[answerme_tender]

Its time to move on. It doesn't matter if this ever became a physical affair or not. It just being an emotional one is enough. Once a woman is having a full blown emotional affair then she is pretty much committed to that other man. The only reason she might of stayed this long is for your child.
Its now time for start the healing process for yourself and your child. Its time to stop talking your friends to death about her affair, and how she has done you wrong. All that does is keeps you wallowing in the pain she has caused. Don't even ask her anymore question pertaining to her affair, she wouldn't tell you the truth anyway, so why waste your breathe. Don't build her ego by acting jealous!!
If you need to talk which believe me, most of us know this pain. Get some counceling, its private and it helps with the healing!
Good luck to you and your son, who will need you to be strong through this. Remember don't talk against his mother in front of him even at his young age, it will become habit forming for you, and very hurtful to him, and he will your actions when he get to be an adult!

[Orion35]

Good advice... And I never talk bad about her in front of him... that'd be stooping to her level... I have a counseling appointment coming up. Thanks for the words of wisdom. I got to cut my losses.

[Orion35]

Hahaha... I missed my calling, I should have been a detective. But you're right... I need to stop. I don't need this... I'm going to treat this like we're partners... good way of looking at it. Thanks for the advice.

[talaniman]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to answerme_tender again.

Good insights, more here than him and her, to deal with as a child is watching

[Jake2008]

It is sort of like coming upon a car crash. You don't want to look and yet you can'thelp yourself. And then when you do look, you don't want to accept the reality that is right in front of you, because is is just too unreal.

Muffled conversations, texts, and other behaviour, with another man, when you are married is a huge red flag. If she needed someone to talk to, it should have been you. She has been seeing him during your entire marriage, without your knowledge, more red flags. And even during your separation negotiations, she's having conversatios with him.

There is indeed, not only another man in the picture, but another man she is likely going to be with when she gets rid of you.

Are you sure this baby is yours? Considering that she's been seeing him the entire length of the marriage, it may be something to think about.

It is very, very sad that she was not there for you, when your father died. Her lack of support when you needed her the most, speaks volumes in itself.

Please protect yourself, and don't wait to get the legal ball rolling before you find yourself with some surprises. Cancel credit cards, joint bank accounts, access to lines of credit, etc. You may still have some surprises in this area alone that have not yet come to ight. If you can't trust her to be faithul, don't trust her to be honourable when it comes to finances.

I personally think that it is a mistake to involve family and friends when you are having marital problems. Assume that they know, but your personal business with your wife, should be only between the two of you.

Good for you to go to counselling. An impartial ear, with some professional guidance is the best thing you can do for yourself. Dealing with all of this now, will give you the strength to eventually move on, and live a new life without the baggage and emotional turmoil.

You may also never be able to know absolutely that she has cheated on you physically. But in the overall scope of things, and from what you know now, I'd say it is enough to end the marriage. She has not been committed since the day you got married, it isn't likely she's going to change.

[J_9]

well smell her, smell her underware, stop having sex for a week then have sex and if it feels wierd in those places then yes.

I really hope this was a joke.

[destny1997]

I don't know your wife, but obviously its not just a friendship. I believe its physical or else she would not have been hiding her friendship with this loser. Thank God that you found this out while your son is still young and can move on and find someone that does not take you for granted.In the long run, its her loss. She will find out sooner or later that he is a loser since he is breaking a family. It may be too late when she finds out. Everything happens for a reason. Dedicate your life to your son.


Edited for caps/T