[suefitz]

I have an 18 year old stepson who lives in the house with me. His father is in Afghanistan for at least another year. My stepson is currently attending college and is in the ROTC program. Generally a good kid. Here is the problem. His dad and I have been on him for almost two years to get a job. He had one job that he had for 5 days and another that he lost in two days, he didn't show up the second day because he decided to take a nap instead of going to work. When he turned 18 we told him he would have to pay his own car insurance and phone service, as much for him to learn responsibility and a way to earn himself some positive credit. He reached out to his grandmother who is now paying those things for him. Continued to push him to get a job and because he didn't want a “real job” he has joined the reserves that will net him about $200 a month until he goes to basic training. He had a chance at a full ride scholarship for ROTC but because he was too lazy to go, he didn't get it. If he had tried out and didn't make it we were going to pay half of his tuition but now we are making him pay for the 1st semester on his own.

He had chores around the house but because he either forgot or just didn't plain do them we had to take most of them away from him because they involved caring for the animals (a horse and two dogs) and they were suffering because of his laziness, no water and didn't feed. He still has to take out the trash, but that doesn't get done unless I tell him. I have not told him for the last two weeks on purpose and guess what; the trash hasn't made it to the curb. I don't really cook for myself at night and I'm gone all day so I've told him to make me a grocery list for whatever food he might want and I will buy it. He has gone as long as 6 weeks without groceries, (at least I got my pantry cleaned out of all the old stuff) even with me telling him to make a list every day. I held out to see when he would run out of whatever spending money he had. Really just lazy. The problem has become that the few rules he has in the house he just ignores. I think that is so disrespectful and I'm tired of running after him and being the bad guy. I'm really sick of him blatantly ignoring the rules. How do I make him grow up? What is a good punishment for him not following the rules? He has an “I deserve” attitude and he has no respect for his dad or I. I can't talk to his dad anymore because he is already feed up with him. Help!

[Fr_Chuck]

So take his phone and car away if he is not paying them,

Jobs for college kids are sometimes hard to get, but being lazy is another issue. I would make sure he had no use of computers, internet that is not school related, he could eat meals that are made or go hungry. He can do his own laundry or wear dirty clothes.

[ShineYourEyes]

This may sound hard: you have failed to raise this boy to be responsible youngster. You waited till he's 18 before you discover the wrong attitude? He's already a dried fish. To bend him is to break him. You have increased the societal problem by one. Eventually he will leave home. He will struggle for another 5-10 years before finding his feet. May be he will adjust earlier than that.

[ShineYourEyes]

What is kick out a son or a daughter? Only failed parents do that.

[DoulaLC]

I think many 18 year olds living at home can be pretty lazy. They get very involved in their own stuff.

Don't kick him out. Realistically, where would he go? How would he support himself at 18 while trying to attend college and the ROTC program? It would be too extreme of a step for the situation as it is. His behaviour is annoying, yes. Frustrating, certainly, but he isn't a danger to you or your home. He isn't disrespectful in the sense of threatening you or cursing you. He isn't doing drugs, out drinking at all hours, causing trouble.

When things are calm, let him know you want to talk to him.
Acknowledge that he is a generally good kid (be thankful your only real issue is laziness!), and that you realize he is going to college and needs to study to do well.

However, point out that you also work and that since it is just you and him at home, the work load needs to be shared. He is considered an adult at this stage and being such he needs to take on a more adult role. The main issue is that he needs so much reminding to do what are already his responsibilities. Tell him that you don't like to have to keep nagging him to get his chores done anymore than he does, so the obvious solution is for him to just do them.

Tell him outright that you realise a routine should have been established a long time ago of him helping out, and that was a mistake on your and his father's part (if you have been with him since he was little), but you can't turn back time, so you need him to work with you at establishing one now. Remind him that part of your job as a parent is to make sure that he can take care of himself when he is on his own and part of that is making sure he knows how to do laundry properly, how to clean a bathroom, how to prepare some meals, etc.. These are life skills. Helping out is also simply a part of being in the family.

Perhaps work out a plan. Ask what would be better for him... for example: would it work better for him to set aside Saturday mornings to get the bulk of the chores sorted out, or do one chore each day, whatever, but have some plan of action. Put the onus on him of deciding when things are going to get done each week. Then ask him what he thinks should happen if he doesn't keep up on it?

For the grocery list example, maybe instead of leaving him to make a list, go in with pen and paper in hand, sit down and tell him you are making a list because you are going shopping, what does he want/need?

It takes time to undo habits and to instill a sense of responsibility.

Is he in college full-time? How much time does the ROTC program take up?

[ohsohappy]

This may sound hard: you have failed to raise this boy to be responsible youngster. You waited till he's 18 before you discover the wrong attitude? He's already a dried fish. To bend him is to break him. You have increased the societal problem by one. Eventually he will leave home. He will struggle for another 5-10 years before finding his feet. May be he will adjust earlier than that.

It is her STEPSON. Who knows how long she has even been in his life. It could have only been the last 3 years, and even then he's grown up for the most part and been living by someone else's rules. You can't make assumptions like that. That was boarderline offensive. Scratch that, it WAS offensive. He's not even my kid and I was thinking "who do you think you are?"

[Jake2008]

I have to agree with Shine to a point. An 18 year old doesn't become that lazy overnight, and Rome wasn't built in a day.

He is in college. He's in ROTC, he's in the Reserves, bringing in $200 a month, which should cover his insurance and his phone. If his grandmother is paying those things, then insist on money for room and board.

If you have only been in this young man's life for a short period, I don't know how much effect you can have on making him change. Happy is right that this may be new to you, and his conduct in the home had long ago been established.

I don't personally think that a kid in college, in ROTC, and the Reserves, should be kicked out, and have to agree again with Shine on this one. While his behaviour could be better, and he could contribute more to the running of the household, that seems an extreme solution.

Because his father is overseas, and gone for a year, should not preclude his involvement in some ways. Email, letters, etc. He could back you up with simple changes, with appropriate consequences. For example, if his father says that if he doesn't cut the grass, take out the garbage, and do his own laundry, he loses the car. Then take away the keys for a month, and see if that doesn't get through to him.

He does have it good, too good. But having expectations without consequences are not going to motivate him to change. You are on the right track here in my opinion, but it is too soon to give up without a plan, that you and his father agree upon.

And where is his mother, and does he spend time with her? Are you on speaking terms with her? And your husband should talk to his mother about undermining your efforts by paying his way when you don't. That really defeats the purpose, and keeps him from doing anything.

Bottom line here is he will not change without having to. He wouldn't be able to live this way anywhere else, so why should he in your home.