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goottastic · Sep 29, 2010, 05:32 PM

I've been with my boyfriend for almost nine months. I told him a while back that I don't want him to smoke weed, and he promised he wouldn't. He recently told me that he had been smoking every day during the summer. Now, we've broken up and gotten back together at least twice, and I don't know what to do. Him smoking bothers me so much, but he doesn't want to stop. It's the only thing we seem to argue about now, and everyone else I've asked for help doesn't know what to do. How can I get over it and just be happy in my relationship again? Or how can I get him to stop smoking?

Enigma1999 · Sep 29, 2010, 05:39 PM

Hello G,

You can't make someone do something they don't want to.

He will have to stop on his own. When that will happen, I don't know, nor do I think he would ever want to stop.

He is clearly choosing this over you, I hate to say.

It sounds to me that you will not over look this, therefore, only you can make that decision.

You said it yourself, " Him smoking bothers me so much, but he doesn't want to stop."

Considering the fact that he knows how passionate you are about this, and he doesn't listen tells me he never will, and I would say "Bye Bye"

Justwantfair · Sep 29, 2010, 06:14 PM

I would say simply leave, what kind of future can you have with a man who won't be able to get a decent job? You are traveling on a dead end with someone who doesn't share your values.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 29, 2010, 06:23 PM

Yes, he figures you will do nothing, since you have put up with it. Of course if you are in the car with him and he has pot on him, guess what, you both can be arrested ( at least in GA and TN)

talaniman · Oct 2, 2010, 01:40 PM

Put up with behavior that you are against, expect more. Leave the dope head alone. That simple.

beachloverjohn · Oct 2, 2010, 01:56 PM

An addiction is an addiction. Drinking, drugs, gambling, it's all the same. So if you like sharing your boyfriend with pot, then hang in there. Eventually he'll get you to smoke weed also, then you can get high together. Or you can let him and his girlfriend "maryjane" live happily ever after. You make the decision, clearly he has made his..

goottastic · Oct 30, 2010, 10:05 AM

You all say that it's "so simple" but, for me, it's really not. I love this kid and I don't want to leave him. I have plenty of other friends that smoke and it's never bothered me before so I don't know why I can't accept that he does it... I mean, everyone has issues. Also, just because he smokes doesn't mean I will. I don't do drugs, drink, or smoke. Me and him have talked a lot about it and he's willing to cut back for me. So surely a compromise is a good thing, right?

talaniman · Oct 30, 2010, 10:38 AM

I guess a compromise is good if you can actually abide by it. But you have broken up a few times, and though he is willing to cut back, or compromise, how long will that satisfy you? I guess only time will tell how much compromise is enough for you.

But it's a big red flag when you want to change someone to meet your own standards, and as you see that leads to one conflict, after another. Compromise or not.

goottastic · Oct 30, 2010, 01:35 PM

I don't want to change him to meet my standards. I just want him to be safe.

excon · Oct 30, 2010, 01:46 PM

Hello g:

That's a great justification... But, it's STILL trying to change him... There are risks you can't shield him from in the world. To say you want him to do thus and so, in the name of SAFETY, gives you an open door to make demands whenever you want.

Love him the way he is, or go.

excon

PS> There ain't no cutting down, by the way. He's BSing YOU just like you are him. Your heading says NOTHING about safety - only approval.

Cat1864 · Oct 30, 2010, 02:13 PM

Gootastic, you don't have to smoke to get into trouble if you are with him and he gets caught. You might be able to get out of the trouble, but it wouldn't be easy.

If he doesn't want to be 'be safe', you can't force him.

Even if he cuts back, you know he is still smoking and it is still affecting your relationship. If it bothers you to the extent you say it does, then you need to walk away for good. It will hurt. I won't lie to you and say it is easy. It isn't. However, it hurts less to let go and heal than it does to hold on and allow the frustration, fear, and anger to build up. Yes, there is some anger at the 'why won't he do what he knows is best for him and me' as well as the 'why doesn't he love me enough to quit'. It is the same mix of feelings that most people involved with addicts of any type go through so you aren't alone.

A place you might want to check out is Alateen, Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen.

Do what you know is best for you. Live your life. Take care of yourself. You don't have to keep riding the roller coaster.

goottastic · Oct 31, 2010, 11:17 AM

All right well next time I'll try to make my heading more appropriate. And not to sound rude, but you don't know that he's "BSing me" and I don't fully understand how you think I'm "BSing him".

goottastic · Oct 31, 2010, 11:20 AM

Cat1864: thank you for the advice and the link.

excon · Oct 31, 2010, 11:32 AM

Originally Posted by goottastic

All right well next time I'll try to make my heading more appropriate. And not to sound rude, but you don't know that he's "BSing me" and I don't fully understand how you think I'm "BSing him".

Hello again, g:

I don't think your heading WAS inappropriate.. I think it was ACCURATE. You don't approve. I believe you. So, I don't think it has anything to do with "safety". To say it's about safety, is in my view, BS.

I smoke pot. I don't know WHAT cutting down is. If he were to smoke 5 pipefulls LESS in the course of a day, would that make you happy? Is that "cutting down"? According to him, I'll bet it is. You? I'll bet not.

By the way, you're not rude. I LIKE straight talk.

excon

Homegirl 50 · Oct 31, 2010, 11:59 AM

He does not want to quit and it is the only thing you argue about.
If he does not quit the arguing will not stop. What kind of relationship does that tell you you're going to have? A roller coaster.
If you don't want to date a pothead don't. Don't look for reasons to compromise about something you feel strongly about.
I don't like cigarette smoke. I can't ask a man to quit if he does want to, so I would not date a smoker.

goottastic · Oct 31, 2010, 12:00 PM

excon:

You're right. It's not 100% about safety, though I do care about him being safe. I think I don't like that he smokes cause he lied to me about it, but now he's trying to be honest so I'm trying to be more accepting of his flaws cause I really do think him and I can work this out. And his plan to cut back is to not smoke during the week and only on the weekends. He says that he doesn't want to turn into his friends that are obsessed with weed cause they're pretty annoying.