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Barry1981 · Sep 6, 2010, 04:18 AM

Following on from my last thread back in May/June:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-472926.html

I've moved out of the house I own with my ex-girlfriend of 7 years. We're going through the legal proceedings to remove my name from the mortgage and once that’s done we can close the joint bank accounts etc. For the most part we don’t speak to each other, only as far as discussing things related to the house that we need to but we're always amicable and there's clearly a lot of feelings from both sides.

My problem now is that I've started seeing someone else over the last month and I'm really not sure how to handle it all. She is very keen to move things forward and it's a lovely thought, but I really don’t feel that I'm over my ex at all - I've not been upset for a while, but every now and then it catches me off guard; when a specific memory pops into mind. Should I really be seeing this person if I feel like this? I'm starting to feel really stressed at how I'm going to manage all this. This girl knows about my ex and what happened, but obviously has little idea how I feel. I don’t want to hurt her.

A mutual friend has apparently told my ex that I've been seeing someone else over the weekend. She called me twice and left a voicemail, but didn’t say a lot. We exchanged texts and she said she was really upset, but didn’t want to speak about it because it was 'better left unsaid' and she was 'being selfish', so I said that was fine.

The other problem is that I'm going to a wedding on Friday and my ex will be there. I know its going to be a struggle and we'll most likely speak at some point, but I'll try my best not to get into a hurtful conversation and keep it light. I still love her but I also know I can't go back…

redhed35 · Sep 6, 2010, 04:31 AM

I think you answered your own question.

Your not ready to date,your still healing. Tell the girl your dating straight up and with out any frills,if what you want now is just companionship say that,tell her your not ready for anything else, or walk away from her.

As regards your ex,the details of the relationship are been worked out and she may be miffed that you have moved on,its none of her business,I understand you still have feelings for her,but none the less none of her business.

Why do you have to go to the wedding?

If you can't handle been in the same room as your ex just yet,don't put yourself under pressure.

The wedding is about the bride and groom they won't be too put out by your absence.

Send a nice gift with your apolige,if you wish.

The situation is easy if you break it down,your not ready to date and your not ready to face your ex.

Be kind to yourself,you're the only one who can at this stage.

talaniman · Sep 6, 2010, 05:38 AM

You really do have to stop being pulled in so many directions at once. Hard to focus that way.

The new girl may be just moving to fast for you, and you have to be somewhat honest with her, and let her know that. I urge you NOT to lose sight of the danger of using her to stroke your ego, or make you feel better. Friends only, and limit your contact to friend things. You better tell her that, and be prepared to be rejected totally.

As for the wedding, don't make this a big deal. Sure you and the ex are still winding things down, but if you can't have fun, what's the point of even going?

You are still freshly wounded and have to really be careful of your actions, and the way you handle things at this point. Don't let your feelings, and still confused mind, stop you from handling your business, and yourself, in an honest way.

Barry1981 · Sep 6, 2010, 07:05 AM

Originally Posted by redhed35

Tell the girl your dating straight up and with out any frills,if what you want now is just companionship say that,tell her your not ready for anything else, or walk away from her.

why do you have to go to the wedding? if you can't handle been in the same room as your ex just yet,dont put yourself under pressure.

Unfortunately, I have a key role at the wedding because the guy is one of my best mates so I can't not attend. My ex is also very close to the bride so it's a toughie for both of us.

Its not that I can't handle being in the same room, although its not easy. Its just that we will end up speaking, because we still get on very well and laugh and obviously enjoy each others company. However, after this wedding there is no other social occasion where we will see each other again.

The problem is that neither of us seem to be making real moves toward breaking our ties off, I know that doesn't mean anything in reality - but I still wish things were different between us.

Originally Posted by talaniman

The new girl may be just moving to fast for you, and you have to be somewhat honest with her, and let her know that. I urge you NOT to lose sight of the danger of using her to stroke your ego, or make you feel better. Friends only, and limit your contact to friend things. You better tell her that, and be prepared to be rejected totally.

You are still freshly wounded and have to really be careful of your actions, and the way you handle things at this point. Don't let your feelings, and still confused mind, stop you from handling your business, and yourself, in an honest way.

I need to sit down and tell her what's really going through my mind. At the risk of sounding arrogant, she seems to be falling for me and has dropped heavy hints that she is over the past few weeks. That scares the hell out of me because I can't bring myself to be excited about any relationship - I'm still emotionally committed to someone else!

talaniman · Sep 6, 2010, 07:45 AM

I don't believe in letting someone else set my pace (new girl),and I don't believe in letting past experiences and baggage interfere with what I have to do for myself. But then letting go of emotional attachments, is a skill that experience teaches. You will get there.

Barry1981 · Sep 7, 2010, 07:14 AM

Well, it turns out my ex doesn't know I've been dating someone else, so contrary to my opening post, she must have been calling about something else. Either way, she won't tell as she said she was being selfish - I imagine she was just missing me.

I spoke to her on the phone last night for the best part of an hour about the wedding on Friday and a few house things. However, we ended up talking about us and she said that she is really upset about how things have gone and cried down the phone. She said that whenever she sees me she wants to speak to me and spend time with me.

I just don't know what to do, I didn't say a lot on the phone but I do feel the same - I'm sure its part of a natural break-up, but I really wish things were different between us.

I was thinking about speaking to her about us but don't know if I'm being stupid!? This is the second time we've split (7 months the first time and 3.5 months so far this time) - both times because of her failure to commit, despite having a house and planning to get married...

Shadowburn · Sep 7, 2010, 08:54 AM

I'd leave it all alone, talks with her and such, it's too late for that - unless you're willing to get more of the same. You're moving on, so keep the focus on you.

Also, be careful at the wedding - a couple drinks could make you nostalgic and conversation with her may get out of hands when your judgment is clouded. You just don't want to go through all this hurt again.

talaniman · Sep 7, 2010, 09:37 AM

Don't go for a third time about the same thing and though you have unresolved issues with her, keep it about business and at all cost don't stroll down memory lane with her. That's the point of confusion, caused by memories, wishful thinking, and false hope.

That's an emotional trap to avoid.

Barry1981 · Sep 13, 2010, 03:50 AM

Well, the wedding has been and gone... it was very difficult all round.

She was constantly looking over at my table during the meal and asked me to dance with her later on - I tried to keep my distance, but its easier said than done when you want to be with that person.

We did speak briefly later on and she got upset, so we decided it was best to leave it alone. Its clear she still loves me and I her, but I think there's just too much history now for us to either see past it. Her friends did speak to me and told me how upset she's been and that she needs to be on her own for a while to sort herself out.

Things are moving along with the house and the solicitors will soon have completed the paperwork to remove my name from the mortgage and deeds... very sad...

redhed35 · Sep 13, 2010, 04:03 AM

It will get better,once all the legal stuff is out of the way you can concentrate more on setting new goals and challenges for yourself.

No contact is a tried and tested formula for recovering from a broken relationship,achieving it can be quite difficult not impossible.

Now that the wedding is over start looking at ways you can fill your time and carve out a new routine and life.

Barry1981 · Sep 13, 2010, 04:13 AM

I think the problem I have right now is letting go completely, I want to get over this but at the same time, part of me wants to reconcile and keep hope (false hope, I know!).

I'm considering moving to Switzerland - there are a lot of job opportunities there for me, but I'm trying not to make a rash decision. Sometimes I just want to leave all this behind, but emigrating is not something to take lightly!

redhed35 · Sep 13, 2010, 04:26 AM

Wherever you go you have to take your head and heart with you.

Whatever emotions you have where you are will travel with you.

Milage won't help,time will.

The familiar can be a source of solice,trying to find your feet in a new country may prove much harder then you expect when your still trying to find a new normal at home.

In effect its running away... but you can't really.

What plans have you put in place over the next few weeks to keep yourself busy?

lamp_post · Sep 15, 2010, 02:14 AM

If you still can't get over your ex. You are not ready for a relationship. It will hurt the new partner. Taking leverage is no good. Casual dating should be around to meet people which is what I am doing. Meeting up randoms trying to know that there's more in life.

If you can avoid the wedding that would be great. Otherwise, be strong for an emotional meet up.

Good luck.

Barry1981 · Sep 21, 2010, 04:27 AM

Originally Posted by redhed35

what plans have you put in place over the next few weeks to keep yourself busy?

I keep myself really busy during the week with the gym and football. My new housemates are alwaya around too and we've planned a night out, but apart from that its just the normal weekly grind.

I've not spoken to my ex for just over a week now - the longest period since we split in May. I met a few friends last night and spoke to them about the situation (their gfs and wives are good friends with my ex) and what annoyed me is that they told me they think we'll get back together! That's not what I want to hear!

Apparently my ex has been really upset and telling their partners how much she misses me - surely that's just normal after a breakup though? No matter how it ended?

kaka67 · Sep 21, 2010, 04:35 AM

Barry you need to cut contact or you will be up and down for a very long time.

Getting second hand info from "friends" isn't good.

Don't allow to be drawn back into the drama/sadness but see it for what it is.

It is over

talaniman · Sep 21, 2010, 05:15 AM

These don't sound like new friends, but friends of old friends, therefore keeping you close to the old situation. They need to be told that you don't want to hear any news about her.

I can remember back in the day the hardest times after a break up was when all the activity of the day had slowed and everyone had gone there way, and you were left alone. Right now after only a week or so, your wounds are still fresh, and its only human to turn attention and dwell on your loss. Fight that urge with a plan for what you can do to change the focus of your thinking with something you do for yourself personally. Small little things that keeps you busy, or a hobby, or just read, or clean your closet. Anything to change what the mind is doing.

I also remember my friends feeding me the gobble-D-goop, about being missed by an ex, and that we would be together once she missed me, and that's not them being mean, but trying to raise your spirits and give you hope, as misdirected as that really is, but as you say, not what you want to hear. Relax guy, and try to remember what you did that you liked before she came into your life.

beachloverjohn · Sep 21, 2010, 05:39 PM

Being content with yourself is like anything else, it takes practice. Continue doing things to keep busy and that you enjoy.. Things that you can do alone, As you devote part of each day to yourself, you will start to let go of all the false hopes that you cling to. Eventually, you will stop associating being happy with your ex. And enjoying life will once again come naturally.