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preety1234 · Aug 30, 2010, 10:27 AM

Im getting married in 2-3 months' time. My future husband has already told me about having a 7yr old daughter from his previous marriage (religious marriage only, not civil). He is still in contact with the child and do child support etc. Why do I find it difficult each time I think about the child? I have nothing against the child, just the fact my future husband has already experience child proceation etc... I am not selfish but I really can't help it. Help me overcome this dilemma and find peace in my mind and heart. PLEASE.

beachloverjohn · Aug 30, 2010, 11:23 AM

Maybe you need to communicate these fears to your fiancé. If this is bothering you this much, then it could effect your marriage, and ultimately cause you both problems . Take care of this BEFORE you say "I do".

redrumx3 · Aug 30, 2010, 11:30 AM

As beachloverjohn said, you definitely need to confront this with your fiancée. It will only become more difficult in time. Together you two need to find a way for you to accept ALL of him, including his daughter.

Devorameira · Aug 30, 2010, 12:10 PM

You really have to talk and tell him how you're feeling. His daughter is an important part of his life, and you are going to be her step mother, so it's really important.

Every child is a blessing and he'll be just as excited about a new baby as he was with the first.

donf · Aug 30, 2010, 12:14 PM

"A Religious Marriage" as opposed to a "Civil Marriage", there is no difference in the eye of the law.

Whoever told you there was a difference is either being taken out of context or was just plain wrong.

I read your note and I'm not sure of where you are going with this thread or why his child is such an issue for you.

Regardless of whether you marry, this guy is still going to be the father of the child. You cannot erase that in any way shape or form.

While I agree, in principle that you and your guy need to talk about this, I in no way believe you should confront him.

Suppose you put it to him, this way, "Its your child, choose her or me!" And he selects his child, as he should, what are you going to do then?

Kitkat22 · Aug 30, 2010, 12:19 PM

To me you come across as a very loving, caing woman. Admitting you have some fears over this child is very honest and very upfront.

I believe the problem will solve itself. The reason I think this is because you are very much in love with this child's father and she is part of him.

I think you will love her and treat her as you would your own child.
Your husband to be loves you.
He doesn't love the child's mother anymore.

Treat this child as you will your own. You will have more children and you'll have enough love for all of them.

This little girl is probably feeling a
Bit uneasy also. Put her fears to rest and yours by being the best step mommy you can be.

beachloverjohn · Aug 30, 2010, 12:45 PM

These are all good answers, but the fact is, you are concerned enough to post on this forum. So I believe that you have to talk to him about this. He will understand your concerns. It is completely normal to worry about how his child will effect your marriage. Ultimately, for your marriage to work, you will have to try to get along with his daughter, but you will never take the place of her mother and nobody expects you to. Just rermember that a child to a parent will and should come first, so if you're OK with that, then I predict great success for your marriage.

ScottGem · Aug 30, 2010, 01:52 PM

I need to proofread better. I should have typed:

ScottGem agrees: Every clergyman in the US ends the wedding ceremony with the line; "By the power invested in me by the state of... I now pronounce you man and wife". So, at least in the US, there is no such thing as a religious only marriage.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 30, 2010, 04:15 PM

I'm not understanding this at all.
How long have you known about this child?
How long have you two known each other?
If you have known all along and it has bothered you, accepting a marriage proposal was not the thing to do.
So the man has a child. He's not with the mother. What about this bothers you?

Fr_Chuck · Aug 30, 2010, 05:56 PM

Well Scott I may disagree, there are religious weddings that are not reconised by the state. I even do some myself.

1. elderly couples who wish to live together but if legally married by the state, would lose some retirement, they have a religious only service to be married in the eyes of God but not the state.

2. many gay couples have wedding services not reconised by the state

3. and in those few cases of pural marriage that is illegal in the US, there is often a religious wedding for them also

ScottGem · Aug 30, 2010, 07:03 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Well Scott I may disagree, there are religious weddings that are not reconised by the state. I even do some myself.

I'm aware of that, but in such a case, its not a wedding or marriage. It's a religious ceremony designed to provide some level of comfort to people who might otherwise feel they are living in sin. Or to provide a level of commitment not permitted by the law.

They may call it a marriage, but in the eyes of civil law its not.

Jake2008 · Aug 31, 2010, 06:48 AM

The very bottom line here, when all is said and done, is, whether you can marry a man who already has a child.

Nobody can make this decision for you, and you are wise to consider all the implications, because it will affect your life as well. What one person may do, is not to say their decision will work for you.

I advise you to be brutally honest with your fiancé. Sit him down, and just tell him exactly how you feel. Put all the cards on the table so you each know what the other is thinking and feeling. You are not 'wrong' for taking the initiative now, rather than later, after the marriage. For the sake of his child, you are either in, or you're not. Life can be very difficult with a step child, and you may resent her in your life- again, not a 'fault', but if that is the way you feel, you are doing no favours to his child.

People with good intentions change their mind all the time. But, when it comes to a child, you have to know that you can accept her, and be in her life, and an influence in her life, for likely decades to come, if not forever. It is not a small decision to make.

I'm not sure what you mean by, "my future husband has already experience child proceation etc". Do you mean that your husband is not a virgin, and you are? Or that he is sexually experienced, and you are not?

Any man who's outside plumbing works, can produce a child. That he has, does not make him some sort of expert in sex, being a father, or a good husband.

The bottom line here is his daughter- I think.

If you start with doubts about how she will impact your life, you will be stuck. If you need to push back the wedding date, until you have spent time with her, and can make an informed decision whether you will be committed to your husband, with her in both your lives, then do it.

Nobody will be happy if you start without knowing exactly what you are getting yourself into.

preety1234 · Aug 31, 2010, 07:17 AM

Thank you a lot Kitkat22 for your words.
Really help me find some peace of mind.

Kitkat22 · Aug 31, 2010, 07:19 AM

Originally Posted by preety1234

Thank you a lot Kitkat22 for your words.
Really help me find some peace of mind.

You are very welcome. Wait and see, you'll do fine. Blessings to you and your fiancé and the little one.:)

jmjoseph · Aug 31, 2010, 07:34 AM

When we choose a mate, we usually have to accept them for who they are, and what they've done in their past. WE were not there in their past, so what difference does it make now?

You should use this as a measure of several things about him, and look at the good.

1. He is fertile and can have children.

2. He makes pretty babies (?)

3. He is a responsible man who wants to support his child.

4. His daughter will be a great older sibling(and babysitter) for your children.

His daughter will be in his life forever. Will you?

I would be more leary of a man who had a child, and who is not paying child support, or taking responsibility for his actions.

It sounds like you found a good one.

The windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror.

Go be happy.

talaniman · Aug 31, 2010, 04:39 PM

Maybe you should be getting to know this child better before you get married.

Just Dahlia · Aug 31, 2010, 06:24 PM

I have had experience with a man I had married and was so jealous of the love I had for my child that the child suffered.
Suffered mentally, always wondering why he was hated
Suffering mentally because his mother always tried to make up for it
It is not good for the child
If you feel this may be the reason, you need to get over it or not get married, it will not be good for any of you.

A child is a gift and to be cherished even if the child is not yours, if you feel different you will need to think about it.:)