[johnlocke]

I have been with my current girlfriend for around 4 years. During this time, We have had our ups and downs, but always have had a deep loving, and personal relationship. Her beliefs kept us from ever engaging in intercourse, I had a poor first time with another girl before her, so when the relationship started I thought it would be great to not have to worry about sex and build a strong relationship without it... I wasn't excited about it, but I weighed the pro's and con's and believed she was worth it. We still tiptoed the line of sexualness though.

Over our 4 years, neither of us have cheated, of that I am certain. The most major problems we have had including me lying about minuscule things such as smoking etc, Recently though, I made the mistake of making a joke about having a threesome to a group of friends. Somehow, it managed to get back around to her and ever since *(about 2 months) she's been extremely distant, but back and forth. We have had to live apart for the past year and that is a strain on us as well. So anyway, finally this past weekend I am staying with her at her house. Sexual things are attempted but shot down by her (at this point I've been so sexually starved for months and months, its really killing me having an extremely hot girlfriend who won't do anything with me!! ) The first night I accepted that she wasn't in the mood, the 2nd night... I couldn't help but bug her until she gave in, afterward she was very upset and finally said that I had to leave and we needed to be separate for a while. She said she cannot trust me and am not what she wants in a man.

I felt that my trust, aside from tiny instances of lying or joking with friends, was valid. I have never actually hurt her from physical acts with others or in any serious manner besides petty lies. I told her that if she could not trust me (the man who became abstinent for her! And stayed) she would not be able to trust anyone.

I realize I could have been a little pushy trying to get her in the sac, but after a while, I can only stand so much... I mean my you know what was hard for 48 hours around her and I get nothing.

I really care about her deeply, but I believe she has over-analyzed my potential and taken me for granted. I realize I'm not perfect but I definitely never didn't show her I loved her.

So now I'm in the "NC" phase (no contact) basically trying to hold myself back from calling or texting her. I'm hoping that she comes around and misses me. I'm 100% sure she is not interested in any other guys at the moment, so that is relieving, but still, the distance being apart by an hour or 2, plus the silence right now is very nerve-racking.

Any advice or tips will help a troubled boyfriend incredibly!


P.S before I get any responses, I would just like to thank the members of this board. I was at a loss for how to handle my situation earlier today, but after reading all the wonderful posts by people on all these threads, It has really given me perspective. I'm going to hold steady to the "NC" rule for now, and hope for the best. I still love her, but I'm going to do this by-the-book. I'm going to probably be on these forums a lot in the next few days.

All right, thanks! Now... advice *** nao!! :)

[Starry nights]

When a crisis occurs,it also gives you the opportunity to evaluate and assess your relationship,in a way that you may never have done had everything been perfect.This whole incident has given you the chance to think about what you did and said.You had a relationship with a girl for 4 yrs.She had strong ideas about not engaging in sex,which you knew.You wanted sex.You also spread some "joke" about having a threesome,which she got to know.And now you have gone NC.If this is the gist,then it doesn't quite paint a very good picture of you in your girl's eyes.

Also,reading your post,I felt there were many aspects which aren't clear:

The physical aspect : You mention your partner's religious beliefs prevent her from getting physical.Thats kind of strange and not clear.Have you tried to get to the root of the matter and understood her stand on this matter?Is it only her beliefs or something deeper?

If you do know the answers for sure,and you care for her deeply as you say,you should also have had the respect and sensitivity to refrain from intercourse,if specially the choice was,very clearly,between her and sex.

You even mention(lightly)that you did bug her enough to go through with it.Again,not clear,did you "force" her to have sex,without her consent?If yes,that's an inexcusable act and accounts for her (justified)distance.Think about it--what if your partner made you do something you strongly had views about.How good an opinion would you have of her,after that?

The "joke" aspect:I personally have a very strong stand about people who create messes and then on being countered,laugh it off saying they were "joking".Why would you even joke about having a threesome and that too when it could potentially land up being heard by your partner,if you didn't already know for a fact that she was going to hear it anyway?

Words once out of your mouth can't be taken back.I think you realise that now.

Finally,the problem aspect:Re-read your post and not really clear what exactly you want to know.I mean you have already decided about going NC and you are sticking to it.So,what's the issue here?Not clear at all.

[johnlocke]

Well when I said that I bugged her into it, I meant just you know 2nd and 3rd base. Not all the way, and I didn't "force her" just really sort of begged ha.

Her beliefs, better explained, she just wanted to wait until marriage before knocking boots.

I realize that my own stupidity sparked this incident, and I'm just trying to go about her dumping in a way that will make her miss me, because of the NC.

I never really looked at it as, "her or sex", just a delayed sexualness that would eventually end up full in marriage. I was fine with how much we WERE doing, but when that stopped, it really just drove my sex drive up through the roof. I believed after the fact, that my joke was perhaps caused by a lack of sex? I wanted to imagine myself actually doing those acts, but unable to actually do them, I resorted to just talking about it, and yes it was a mistake.

I'm just concerned here, I don't know whether its really the end with her or not. Does this situation sound hopeless?

[talaniman]

You have not been lead on, or taken for granted, and she was very clear about waiting for marriage before having sex. You blew it though with the begging, and the getting, and now she is ashamed, and betrayed by you, her 4 year boyfriend, and herself.

Instead of letting her cool off (let the emotional dust settle), you instead use this NC thing, not as a healer, but hoping she misses you, and will come back.
Not going to work though for you.

I can tell you that at the heart of your problem was an inability to give this relationship any direction, or clear hope for the future. That's where the "you got what you wanted, now get out" attitude comes from.

Communications should have been your next move, but if you are not ready to move to the next level of commitment, then indeed you should stay NC, and leave her alone.

This is the harsh part, you showed all you wanted was her hot body with a disregard for her feelings, and showed her how little control you had over yourself, and how little respect you had for her. Yeah, you blew it, by putting the lust, before the love, and that made 4 years a complete waste of her time.

[johnlocke]

Update. She just broke the silence after only one day. She textdd me saying she was hoping my classes were going well. I did not respond.


Communication has been our motto for the past year. I have been very honest about being committed to her. I believed that my acceptance of her beliefs was a physical demonstration of that commitment.

Besides the recent incident with me talking nonsense, and various white lies that I apologized for profusely, I would say we were more than great.

[johnlocke]

My girlfriend of a long long time has recently told me that its over, she's moved on.

The thing is... only a few days ago she was more than fine. Talking about what christmas gifts she's gotten me and what not. There is tons to this story, and I could write them all out, but what I'm asking is when a girl you've known this long says she's "moved on" does that mean with another guy? Or does that just mean she's done with us

[chefpierce]

That's a loaded question, and I think only she can really tell you what it means... a lot of "experts" will give their two cents on here, but in all reality, she's the one who said it.

[johnlocke]

She won't explain what she means though... I've flat out asked her and nothing

[tom1777]

That ***** is cheating cut your loss and get the hell out of there and hope she makes him as misrable as she made you.

[ITstudent2006]

This can be interpreted into a few different meanings and you could rack your brain all night trying to figure it out. Heck, we could suggest a million reasons behind these words but that is all just based on our opinions and personal experiences with these words. It does no good for you!

The fact is, only she knows what she meant. Meanings of words and phrases are individually different and can be perceived in a variety of forms. Trying to figure it out is usually superfluous to the situation as no good comes from it. In fact it usually causes more issues such as wrongful assumptions and insecurities for no need.

I suggest talking to her. Even though you say she won't say. That; at this point, is your only option.

[johnlocke]

she now won't talk to me. This is totally ridiculous. She's acts like she doesn't even know me... like I'm some random guy and not someone she's spent a half decade with.


I have never cheated on her, always supported her, and spent any money I had on her. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend but I believe I was a damn good one. Why am I getting this from her?

[ITstudent2006]

Have their been any indications of her doing this or possibly seeing another man?

[chefpierce]

Comment on johnlocke's post

Advice can only be given on here... no one (their lying otherwise) can tell you what she means. It hurts, but it's the truth... She just broke up with you out of the blue.. no explaining?

How old are you??

Comment on ITstudent2006's post

Thank you.

[johnlocke]

I'm 24. I've been with her since I was 19, chasing her since 18.

There have never been any instances of cheating between us... and no indications she's been cheating recently.

When she told me it was over, she mentioned she had gone on a date.. but said it was horrible and awkward.

[ITstudent2006]

There's nothing more I can say. I can't tell you what she meant by what she said. I can only tell you to not rack your brain over trying to figure it out either. Your best option is to try and communicate!

[Fr_Chuck]

I guess you say she will not even talk, I guess the question then is how much or how often since she said she moved on, have you tried to contact her, just a couple times, or like every 20 minutes.

Next it seems pretty fast for her to have another guy, but you never know. Only she knows

[Dare81]

It doesn't matter.She told you its over so its over,Move on with your dignity.Do your really want to be in a relationship with someone who does not want you around.

[ITstudent2006]

It doesn't matter.She told you its over so its over,Move on with your dignity.Do your really want to be in a relationship with someone who does not want you around.

I think this has less to do about getting her back and more about knowing the reasoning behind her rash decision. After 4 years, one feels entitles to an answer. Is he entitled? Should he care? That is a whole other debate!

[talaniman]

After merging this thread with your earlier one, then the fact this was over months ago is revealed, and you should let this go, and leave her alone. She is trying to do the NC thing, and so should you be.

Whatever her reasons, she is not telling so, get your closure through accepting the break up, and stop all efforts at getting answers, you may not even understand, and let time put things in better perspective. You have run into this brick wall far to long, and has done you no good in your own healing, and ability to let go.

Do so now, and reread your original post, at the beginning of this one.

[johnlocke]

I'm doing my best to move on. Its hard, ****ing hard. How am I supposed to just let go of someone that I've been with for so long?

I'm talking with new girls, trying to get a rebound, but I don't even know if it will help

== and yes, I do feel entitled to an explanation. I feel entitled to a proper goodbye, not just texting this whole situation out.

I did the thing where you write out the pro's and con's of the person, and I came out with exactly 4 pros and 4 cons. ***