[Bball4sho]

Sorry if this is somewhat long...

Me and my ex girlfriend dated for almost 2 years. We are now 21 years old and go to the same college. We lived together for one of those years and had regularly talked about getting married after graduation. Everything was perfect in our relationship and we both agreed that we had never felt this way about anyone before. She even transferred colleges so we could be together. Anyway, we had a few small fights while living together about things such as laundry and dishes, but nothing serious. Our families are also really different, with my family being very traditional and didn't know (or would approve) of us living together before we were married. We also have to hide a lot of things from my parents, which was another problem for her. About a month before we broke up (we were still at college together) she started acting different and would not be affectionate at all, which unusual for her. Well, we moved back home for the summer (we are from the same home town too) and shortly thereafter, she told me she didn't know if she was happy with us anymore, wanted her space, and broke up with me. No where in our 2 years of dating were there any signs she would do this to us. She said she felt like she couldn't hang out with her friends anymore and that not being able to officially live together before marriage was a huge problem for her, and she apparently just realized this now. She also told me it "was likely we would be together again but not guaranteed" as she wasn't looking for a new boyfriend, but whatever happened, happened. After being broken up for 3 weeks with minimal contact, she asked to go to a movie and I accepted. We went out and had a great night just like we were dating again and she even kissed me and held my hand all night, without me initiating anything. A few weeks later, she told me she was hanging out with a guy from work and I flipped on her and how she was leading me on. She insisted hanging with this other guy meant nothing and I trusted her. A few weeks later, we hung out again, and she refused to be affectionate like she was the last time because I had flipped on her and she didn't want to lead me on. She then told me that she just wanted to "be friends, at least for right now". She said she still had feelings for me, but I wasn't going to change the bad things (laundry, dishes, how I never took her on dates anymore, and the fact that my parents never allowed us to stay the night together when we were home from school, etc.) in our relationship overnight and it would take time. I refused to hang out with her after this night because I didn't want to become "just a friend" and get stuck as just that. We have been broken up for almost 2 months now and we have very minimal contact. I know she has been partying almost all the time and I also know she has been hanging out 1-on-1 with some of her guy friends, which is exactly how we started. I just don't want to lose her forever and I really don't know what to do. We are moving back to school next week and will probably end up hanging out a lot in the near future. I'm afraid I'm going to become just a friend though and will have to watch her fall in love again or do things she might regret with another guy. Any advice is appreciated.

[Devorameira]

There's really nothing you can do to change her mind. Sounds like she'd like to have her cake and eat it too. Don't hold out for the crumbs you might get from her. You deserve to be the whole cake.

Some people break up and do get back together. It does happen, but not very often. She's letting you down easily but is trying to keep the door to your relationship open by giving you a sense of hope that the break might only be temporary. This is only a temporary break if she doesn’t hook up with someone new.

Accept this and live your life as if you were broken up for good. Heal, then date other girls. Don’t hang out with her and don’t contact her. This is the only way you’ll stay sane.

She cut you loose; it’s about time you did the same.

[Bball4sho]

I'm afraid you're right. I'm just really having trouble letting go. She is the only girl I have ever loved and I think she is making a huge mistake. As pathetic as it sounds, I really can't see me being as happy with anyone else and I can't see her being as happy with anyone else. Her longest relationship besides ours was only 8 months...

[Just Looking]

I think those fears come from your age and inexperience. You were only 19 when you started dating. The fact she had only had an 8-month relationship by age 19 seems pretty normal to me. It isn't an indication that you are the only person she can be with or that she's making a big mistake. People change so much between 19 and 21, and even more between 21 and 25. You have a lot to look forward to and to figure out about yourself.

You should take this time to concentrate on college, having fun with your friends, and figuring out what you want to do in life. Do some soul searching and figure out what is important to you - and I don't mean just in girls. Look at your family life - are those traditional values what you want? Look at your beliefs. Look at expanding your friendships. Look at your career goals. Expand your knowledge. You have a lot of work ahead of you, but also a lot of fun times. Enjoy them!

[talaniman]

Forget what she is doing because mistake, or not, its hers to make. Accept what she wants for herself, and do your own thing, and let her do hers.