[mystific]

I met my partner online in a chat room 11 years ago. We got to talking as you do and met up a year after talking. 10 years and a 6 year old daughter later, we feel a sense of achievement in 'beating the odds'.
However, these past few years I have felt at tremendous stretch in our relationship where I am now at the point of walking away from it all. Against the odds we started a business, but due to his lack lustre in applying himself to it, a year after conception, the business has folded and left us in a whole lot of financial mess.

In the past 5 months he was supposed to finish up the contracts we had with the business, finalise any outstanding work, invoice (most importantly) work that hadn't been invoiced out before the closure and invoice for work that had been continued after.

I went back to fulltime work months before the business closed to try and salvage what I could financially which doesn't appear to be much. However I digress. 5 months later he still hasn't bought in any money though we are owed over $17k which for us right now is highly significant and would pay some very overdue creditors. I have been practical in trying to understand where he wants to go, whether support him in continuing the business or find fulltime work etc.. Which wouldn't be so bad if he actually stuck to what he decided. One minute the business is working, next we're making promises of finding a job it doesn't matter what just to get us back on track.

I am tired of the lies of things are OK, him hiding important financial matters to me, underlining message is he doesn't want me to find out because he's concerned about my health.. I get this.. however I need to know the position we're in completely regardless of where Im at. This has been discussed many many times, but its too the point now I am just tired of being taken for a mug.. so to speak.

I want out.. I know I could financially work things out with creditors to pay them back, it would take a while, but it would be better than false promises like he's doing and he assures me he needs no help. I beg to differ. When discussing this with him again on many occasions its replied to in an aggressive manner of which I really can't be bothered dealing with.

Im not looking for an easy out, I've no illusion of grandeur life without him around, if anything the complete opposite. Im just tired of picking up after two kids when I feel at times our 6 year old has a better clue than him.

Thoughts and opinions most welcome.

[Clough]

Hi, mystific!

You mention him as being your partner rather than as a spouse. Are the two of you married? Also, I'm assuming that the two of you are legally partners in the business that you've shared. Is that also true? It would be helpful to know about those things.

Thanks!

[talaniman]

Finances, and the handling of them are the leading cause of conflict in most partnerships. To get over that hump, then you both have to agree who handles what, and have some very clear lines of responsibility.

When up against a stubborn partner, its best to back away and let them do what they do until they ask for help. That doesn't mean you don't protect yourself financially, but the important point is to let them come to their own conclusions. Pushing only makes them stubborn, and resistant to any good suggestions you may have, and starts a conflict neither of you wins.

I know, its hard to step back and watch your partner run head first into a brick wall, especially when you feel your ideas are better, but the main thing is to let them try while you oversee things from afar, that is if you intend on getting through this rough period, so hedge your bets by making sure plan B is ready to go if, and when his plan A fails. Root for him to succeed no matter how bad of a job he does as that only fair.

It will be much easier for him to save face, and his pride and ego, if he doesn't feel assaulted by you, or boxed into a corner of either, or. No man likes to fail, and no man likes to be a failure.

[mystific]

No we're not married, engaged for 8 years but nothing eventuated. And yes legally we'e business partners.

[mystific]

Talaniman, the past 3 months I have indeed backed off let him control the finances and act as the 'man' should and do the providing and supporting. I have with great reluctance backed off from the what I guess is commonly known as 'nagging' and have supported every idea, suggestion or thought process he has had with very little input and offered help with that moving forward process. For every promise he's made he's not kept, for every idea, it's fallen through.

I know exactly where he falls down, its fantastic ideas, great thought processes and no follow through. Its always something that will keep for, tomorrow.

[talaniman]

Time for some hard decisions, and definite changes. Plan B better be ready to go. Time to see the books, and get busy.

[mystific]

/sigh

Indeed it is.. never one to back down from a challenge, but issues of the heart and mind combined.. treacherous.

Plan B is being put in place as I type this. Thank you all for your input and suggestions.

You'd think with age comes wisdom, in fact all I feel it comes with is more compromises and indecision. 36 years... and still learning.

[mystific]

Ok after a very difficult and somewhat aggressive breakup, I'll have to lay claim to 50%, as I just couldn't stand by passively while I was put at fault for our failed relationship, its done. I don't have to concern myself with NC as I bought his ticket and sent him packing back to the UK.

Now being a regular visitor and reading the heart breaking scenarios of some breakups, I've a concern.

I don't feel anything. I don't feel remorse. I don't feel sad. Don't get me wrong Im not doing skips or jumps but I just feel relieved? Not even sure if that's the right emotion. My heart breaks for my daughter.. even though she appears to be taking it very well. Although I am awaiting that fallout eventually.

I just feel barren with no emotion. I've no inclination to find a replacement anytime soon, if anything I really am looking forward to just ploughing on through life.

I'd really like to know if this is.. well normal? After such a long period.. I feel like I'm doing an injustice to myself.. am I meant to go through the steps of mourning? Or is this going to come right around and bite me in the butt later on?

[kaka67]

When your ready to grieve you will grieve.

We all do it differently.

Maybe you are more relieved at the moment but as time goes by and you start missing the ex etc your feelings may change to one of sadness/remorse etc.

I was in a relationship for 8 years and when it ended I wasn't upset. Just had enough and was glad to be out.

[talaniman]

Maybe you have been through so much, it feels good to have a break. Maybe you have already grieved and accepted the changes that have happened. Or maybe you have been so determined to make those changes, you have not had time to focus on anything else.

I don't know, feelings are such a hard thing to understand, but when your ready, you will do what you have to for yourself, and either grieve, or celebrate. This is a time to be prepared for darn near anything.

[Shadowburn]

Break-ups can be very empowering. It's your way to stand up for yourself, to say what you will or will not accept in relationship. Looks like yours was one of those - you've had enough and now glad it's over because deep inside you knew for a long time it should be over.

You may start missing him later after initial numbness will wear off, but obviously your break up is not about some grand passion not being returned and you may never experience that dark grief and complete devastation that usually follows the story of broken heart.

Good luck.

[excon]

Hello m:

Me?? A commitment is a COMMITMENT. If it has an escape clause, it's NOT a commitment. Mose people SAY the word "commit", but their fingers are crossed, because they know they can always get out of it.

Going in with the idea that you can get out, just might BE the cause of you wanting to get out. If you went in with the idea that THIS IS FOREVER, you might have actually worked to make it LAST FOREVER.

excon

[mystific]

I appreciate the response excon, however I worked my a$$ off in this relationship. Early on he messed around with his ex wife, of which he has two children with, when one of his daughters wanted to come live with us, I opened the doors and tried (with a lot of help) to embrace a child who held a lot of resentment toward me, but I dealed with it, to the point where he'd be out and I was at home most of the time caring for her. Until she decided life wasn't greener with 'dad' and went back home to her mum.

When my daughter was born he couldn't be bothered going out and looking for work, so I ended up going back to fulltime work to be able to support us while I missed out on that initial 'bonding' period with my child.

He would stay, without a word of a lie, on an online game from after dinner at night so say 7pm till 5/6am in the morning every night and spend the week days like a zombie and weekends sleeping. And still till the other week he'd be on the game during the day and back on after dinner till after 1/2am in the morning. I tried, pleaded, begged him to leave the game to spend more time with myself and his daughter or just allow for more time with us I didn't care he played.. but after she went to bed. It never happened. I'd come home from work to do housework, although he was there all day, and too cook dinner. I ended up deleting his account and wasn't spoken to for 3 days, I was the biggest b***h out.

And in the past 5/6 months now I have been the sole provider with more money going out than coming and he hasn't even bothered to look for a job to 'try' and help out with paying bills. And don't get me wrong Im happy to work my butt off to support him but when you're living well above your means even after you've cut back to the basic necessities and living arrangements.. and it's not like he's unable to get a job... he just doesn't seem to understand the need for him to do it.. because 'she'll be right'.

So there was no 'fingers crossed' escape clause. I put in everything I had to give to this relationship and got nothing in return.

So please explain to me where I went wrong. Because I would really.. really like to know?