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Sangeeta0910 · Dec 21, 2006, 06:09 AM

Hi... we've been living apart for almost one and a half yours now... and the main problem is lack of communication... since the last two months now, my husband is keeping very very busy and he doesn't recognize my need of staying in touch through e mails. We do talk regularly on the phone, but only when its convenient to him. He doesn't stop me from calling him up up, but whenever I do so, he's invariably busy... in a meeting or rushing for a meeting etc... I know he's faithful and sincere, but isn't the husband supposed to express his feelings too? Please help...

Fr_Chuck · Dec 21, 2006, 06:38 AM

Men do not express feelings to the level that women want or expect normally. They often loose or place their importance in their work ( even when they are living together)

I would ask why you are living apart, since often these arrangements don't work well, is he in the military, on a jungle mission with the church, if there is no reason to "HAVE" to live apart beyond personal gain, you should not be living apart.

ordinaryguy · Dec 23, 2006, 11:13 AM

More information please. How old are you and how long have you been married? What was your relationship like before you were living apart? Do you see each other periodically, or have you not seen each other at all for a year and a half? Does this situation have a predictable end in sight, or is it indefinite and open-ended?

JoeCanada76 · Dec 23, 2006, 11:51 AM

Long distance marriage, as far as I am concerned is not a true marriage.

Sangeeta0910 · Dec 24, 2006, 06:55 AM

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

More information please. How old are you and how long have you been married? What was your relationship like before you were living apart? Do you see each other periodically, or have you not seen each other at all for a year and a half? Does this situation have a predictable end in sight, or is it indefinite and open-ended?

We've been married for 11 years and our relationship has been very good, except for the fact that my husband forgets everything in his work. He is in the restaurant industry so he's working on weekends and holidays, keeps very long hours and because I am taking care of our two kids, by the time he's back home alte at night, I am ready to drop down dead as I again have to get up early next morning. So my main scare in joining him there is that I'll end up being as lonely there as I am here, plus the fact that he's working in a very conservative Islam nation, so its not even possible for us to go out on our own,etc. And yes, we've been meeting every 2 - 3 months. He manages to come over for a week - 10 days every couple of months.

JoeCanada76 · Dec 24, 2006, 07:46 AM

Still not a true marriage. Sorry but in my culture, north american culture. This is relationship even with children. With the distance and hardly any time together. I do not understand how it is working. Obvously there is a problem or you would not be here asking questions. If it has been like this all along and you are okay with this? If your not, it is time to communicate this with each other. When you are finally together let this person know what this is doing to you and you want a lot more time spent with each other?

Joe

Fr_Chuck · Dec 24, 2006, 08:02 AM

If a couple is really in love, they will find a way to be together.

IF the man chooses his job over his family, he has made a choice,

If the wife chooses not to move with her husband, she makes a choice,

When both have already chosen, the choices are already made, just accepting the end is all that is left

ordinaryguy · Dec 24, 2006, 10:16 AM

What is your relationship like when he's home for the visits? Is he attentive and kind, or still distracted by work-related phone calls, etc? Does he take time to play with and give attention to the kids? Do you go out and do things as a family, or just stay home while he's still preoccupied with other things? I'm trying to get a sense of whether he truly has chosen his work over his family, or whether he just needs a wake-up call to realize that his priorities are misplaced.

I'm not yet as convinced as some of the others that this is hopeless. I guess it depends on where you are in your own mind about it. If you haven't given up completely, I think you owe it to your kids if nothing else to try to salvage the situation. This might mean some kind of very direct, clear communication to your husband that business as usual is not the way of the future and something has to change. Maybe marriage counselling, parenting classes, or some other planned and scheduled activity together where the focus is on making your family function as a unit instead of you and the kids in one sphere and your husband in his work world.

I don't know what will work for you, but unless you're ready to give up and file for divorce, you need to get help of some kind. If your husband refuses to believe that anything needs changing, then maybe counselling on your own could help you sort out your options and plan a course of action. You sound unhappy enough that the status quo is not going to endure much longer, so better to go about making changes deliberately than wait until it's completely intolerable and then blow up and create chaos.

Sangeeta0910 · Dec 25, 2006, 12:16 AM

Hi... thank you so much for taking out time... Whenever my husband is in town, our relationship is very good, he's very attentive to me as well as the kids. We have great times as a family.But, the main problm is that whenever he is working, as before these one and a half years when we were staying together, he just doesn't see beyond his work. Either he's at work or he's busy catching up on his rest. And because his nature of job is such that he's working on weekends as well, we don't get much time as a family. And this is precisely the reason that's stopping me from joining him at his place of work and I've told him so. We both love each other and the kids.

ordinaryguy · Dec 25, 2006, 05:38 AM

Well, it sounds like it's worth a serious try to get your husband to reorder his priorities. A lot of men become absorbed in their work, and identify themselves so closely with their work role that they forget to attend to more important things. I don't know exactly how you should go about it, but I encourage you to get help and discuss it with other people that you can trust. You haven't said how old your children are, but those childhood years go by so fast and when they're gone, there's no way to replace what is lost by being absent or distracted. If only he could see what he's missing.

s_cianci · Dec 26, 2006, 04:20 PM

I think you've attacked the wrong problem here. Why are you living apart? You and your husband should be living together, under one roof, sleeping in the same bed every night. If necessary, one or both of you change jobs to make that happen.

talaniman · Dec 26, 2006, 04:32 PM

He is in a conservative Islamic country, so where do you and the children residing and do you have family and friends around you?

nanamama · Oct 30, 2007, 01:34 PM

I'm in the same sit. People want understand unless yhere in the situation. My husband is trying to star a business in another country, he is passionate about it and I support him completely. It is very difficult for me because he is not here with me but, I know in the long run this will benefit the family tremendously, I don't believe your husband will deliberately leave his family , if he did not think this was a good opportunity. Believe me I know. Our daughter will turn two next month, she is his first child my second, he adores her very much, it hurts that he can't be with her , but he is convince that what he is doing will secure her future and ours.so, be supportive and hang in there it will work out if you allow it to.but be smart, demand that he calls aleast every day.