[slashedxdelight]

I'm in a very uncomfortable situation at the moment. It seems I've fallen in love with two people which isn't uncommon for my sexuality. I'm polyamorous meaning... Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

The problem is one guy I've been dating for a year and 8 months. He's great to me, treats me like a queen and understanding but the thing is with him he's not doing good in school and our future doesn't look exactly what I'd want it to.

The secound guy I met online. We have an amazing connection and talk every night. The problem here is the distance. We're planning on meeting in half a year and if everything goes well we'll move in together at the end of the year. He would be able to take care of me because he has a good paying job and money. He's also older which is a huge turn on for me. [Don't worry this isn't a serial killer or anything :)]

I broke up with my first boyfriend but now were kind of sort of together.. I love him dearly and don't want him to be hurt but I just don't see myself with him in the long term but when we break it off I fall apart. I have to choose one or the other because being in a 3-way releshionship won't work for these jelous men.. It's a hard choice and I don't like hurting anyone's feelings but my own are at stake here too, I try and put the pro's and con's on paper and nothing is clear. I'm causing myself stress and heartache because everyday it's the same problem on my mind.

[redhed35]

Because your 'polyamorous' does that mean you can't commit to anyone?

I've never heard of the term,just curious.

Or is it a word you found for someone who just can't commit to one person,in other words not ready for a serious relationship?

From your post it would seem your not ready to settle down,instead of trying to make a decision why not continue to just date.

Stay single.

Or at least until your ready to commit,that way you don't have to deal with anyone being jealous.

[slashedxdelight]

It means I can be with multiple people in a relashionship as long as everyone is okay with it. I could marry one person but have side relashionships too. I feel like there is no limit to who my heart falls for.
I actually want to settle down at the end of this year and move in with someone but I don't want to hurt anyone either. The thing is I'm already serious with the first guy but I find myself falling hard for this other guy and I'm confused.

[redhed35]

What about the other people involved?

Its not really fair on them,although,making a committent means not acting on impulses,so you can in fact control who you fall for,by not putting yourself in a position where you are developing feelings for someone else.

Is this a condition or disorder?

Did you see a therapist or phycologist who told you this?

[slashedxdelight]

Not a condition or disorder. I just don't follow the normal monogamy releshionship that most people have. With the first guy he want's me to conform to this and not have sex with or be with anyone else. The secound man is more open and would allow me to have side flings with females not men.
There's many people/group etc were people talk about their polyamourous lifestyle and it's gaining more recognization these days. I just don't know what to do but I think the only thing TO do is break things off with the first guy who has been so good to me but doesn't fit my criteria.

It's going to kill me though to hurt someone =[ Love is complicated.

[martinizing2]

I would like to know how old you are. And the ages of the men involved.

I will say relationships are complicated enough one on one.

Why do you think you can manage multiples? And are all these people involved in polyamory?

[slashedxdelight]

I'm 18.

Guy #1 is a few months younger than me and not okay with me being with anyone else besides him.

Guy #2 is 24 and okay with me dating girls on the side.

I feel like I can handle being with multiple people because it can be beautiful and having the love of 2 people at once is wonderful. It can make you feel all sorts of good emotions so long as all people within the releshionship are respectful of each other and things are done equally. It's unusual and a lot of people believe the jelousy would be too much but as far as I've seen if done right it can be a great experience.

[martinizing2]

I'm 18.

Guy #1 is a few months younger than me and not okay with me being with anyone else besides him.

Guy #2 is 24 and okay with me dating girls on the side.

I feel like I can handle being with multiple people because it can be beautiful and having the love of 2 people at once is wonderful. It can make you feel all sorts of good emotions so long as all people within the releshionship are respectful of eachother and things are done equally. It's unusual and alot of people believe the jelousy would be too much but as far as I've seen if done right it can be a great experience.

You are young enough to have high expectations from this kind of relationship.
You are young enough not to have been involved in many relationships , which means you still do not know all the aspects of even a one on one relationship.

I would advise trying your hand at one on one.

You are setting yourself up for far more than I think far more experienced
People could handle.

At 18 you are idealistic enough to believe this can be done without many complications. I seriously doubt that there are too many people in this world who can really accomplish what you have set out to do.

I would reconsider this very carefully.

[slashedxdelight]

Thanks for the advice :) I think I have a good idea what I'm going to do.

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, I have to laugh a guy 24 is a "older" man I was sure it was going to be 30 or 40.

And I know that often from mid 20's to the next 20 years, the ability to earn may change a lot. And so does desires in relationships.

If you don't mind your partner dating others, and they don't mind you dating others, then merely date both but always be open

[martinizing2]

Thanks for the advice :) I think I have a good idea what I'm going to do.

I don't think you do.

Best of luck

[slashedxdelight]

Don't be a I was just looking for some insight not to be ragged on or judged.

[martinizing2]

Don't be a I was just looking for some insight not to be ragged on or judged.

I am not ragging on you or judging you.

I think this will get much more complicated than you realize.

That is my opinion , and my advice is not to jump right into this.

[Alty]

Don't be a I was just looking for some insight not to be ragged on or judged.

I don't see one single post where you've been judged or ragged on, so please be polite.

If this is something you want to do, a lifestyle that you want to lead, then it's best to find people that feel the same way.

You said that guy #1 isn't okay with it, so it's best to let him go. Better to break his heart now then to end up cheating on him and breaking it in a far worse way.

[I wish]

Keep this simple.

Stay single until you've figured out who you want to be with, that way, you're being fair and not leading one on.

But once you've figured out what you want, keep the other out, so that you don't drag them around as a safety net just in case it doesn't pan out with the one you picked. That's wouldn't be very nice.

[jmjoseph]

So, if guy #1 pulls his grades up, you'll be just fine? He'd better tighten up!

And you're thinking about moving in with guy #2, and you've never even met him? Or kissed him?

You're still young.

Be whatever you want, call it by whatever name you want, but you'll never be what guy #1 wants you to be. And that's faithful, and committed to HIM.

How about planning for YOUR future? What about YOU going to school? It's always good to be self reliant.

Good luck to you.

[Kitkat22]

We have a word here also say. It's an old American word.. "Class".
That word means let go of one guy, stick with the non-serial killer and be faithfull to one man. My opinion only. Good luck on not getting an STD or being raped. Also I hope you use birth control... wouldn't want a child spoiling all that fun. JUST MY OPINION>

[slapshot_oi]

I saw an Real Life MTV episode on polyamory.

I wouldn't hedge your bets with online guy. There's a good chance he's lying through his teeth (or fingertips) about his paying job and whatnot.

[Kitkat22]

Maybe I missed this... are you a girl or a guy? When you said the on line guy doesn't mind you dating other girls? Must have missed something. I guess you're a girl since one guy treats you like a "queen". Who knows?

[Just_Another_Lemming]

I had a very long reply this morning before I lost my connection just as I was posting it. :(

A number of years ago I saw a documentary on polyamory. I found the attitude of the people living this lifestyle interesting and decided to do some research on it.

Slashed, I think what you are saying is that you believe in this lifestyle. You have been in a long term relationship with someone who is NOT polyamorous. So, I highly doubt that you have had even a short term polyamorous relationship at 18 years old. I see your situation as completely different than what you believe it is.

First you have guy #1. Totally monogamous. Not into polyamory.

Guy #2. Believes in polyamory but only if your secondary partner is a woman. That isn't a man who believes in polyamory. That is a man who is thanking whatever God he believes in that he has found an 18 year old woman who he believes may allow him to fulfill his fantasy of a three way with two women. Every heterosexual man's wet dream! Yes, I know you will probably say he isn't like that because you have really gotten to know him so well after so many months of online, in depth, heart to hearts. Okay, believe what you want to believe. Who am I to kill your ego buzz?

Honestly, in reading between the lines in your original post this is what I am seeing: you want to keep boyfriend #1 on ice until you can explore this new and exciting relationship with guy #2. If guy #2 works out, you will then be prepared to cut loose guy #1. If it doesn't, you have guy #1 to fall back on.

Slashed, you need to break up with your boyfriend #1. Although I know you don't see it this way, what you are doing to him now is very selfish and hurtful. You obviously have no intention of staying in a monogamous relationship with him, so if you love the guy as you say you do, show him the compassion I know you are capable of and cut him loose. Allow him to meet someone willing to provide him with the monogamous relationship he is looking for.

BTW, polyamory is not all it's cracked up to be. The emotional toll it takes on participants can be devastating at times. There are very few people in this world who can carry on and keep in balance, more than one completely committed relationship at a time. Just keep in mind, sex is only part of any relationship. Someone living the polyamory lifestyle also "enjoys" double the problems that enter into every relationship. You already know from experience every relationship has its ups and downs. So, one day you might very well find yourself in two relationships on a downward spiral. I don't know about you but I find that idea to be akin to drowning and suffocating at the same time. Needless to say, major turnoff in my book.