[nadia.baseer.durrani]

After 6 months ofwedding, husband gives more priority to his parents and siblings and my priorities and wishes are totally ignored... and I love him a lot. What do I do?? To the extent that I have stopped planning our future with him or expecting anything from him because every time I do that, we end up fighting because he says that I'm excluding his family... doesn't understand that I am discussing MY future with HIM... I love and respect his parents and family. I do everything I am supposed to do but its just not enough for him. Its like they are one unit and I'm an extra and an outsider any suggestions regarding how to deal with the situation without feeling alone and less important??

[Jake2008]

Is this unusual behaviour for whatever country you live in?

[jmjoseph]

Do you think that he could ever change?

[Just_Another_Lemming]

Nadia, am I right to assume that you are in India, an Eastern country, or the Middle East? I know that families are very tight knit in India (and other Eastern countries) and quite often newlyweds in live with the husband's family. Are you living with his family or are you on your own? Living with his family can make it very difficult for your husband to place you ahead of his family because the only thing that has changed in his life is his wife moving into his home. The regular family dynamics still remains the same.

Whether you live with his family doesn't really matter. Since you have been married for only 6 months, it sounds as if your husband simply hasn't made the mental adjustment that you and he are now a family unit and his immediate family is now an extension of that unit. It really does take time. Is your husband the first one in his family to get married? Sometimes it takes a while for a family to open up and learn they need to accept the new member as their family too.

Have you spoken with your own Mother about how she handled this situation when she was a young bride? She may have some good advice for you. If she can't offer you any advice, make a lunch date with your new mother-in-law and/or sister-in-laws. Just as they need to accept you are now part of their family, you have to accept them as your family. Start spending more time with the other women in your husband's life. You need to find your own connection and friendship with them. Once that happens, you will find the allys you need to help you fulfill your marriage plans. You will also find that you and your husband will fight less because you are showing him you are attempting to integrate into his family. But, understand that his family will always be a part of the plans. That is just how it is when you get married. Two families become connected and they need to find a way to make their lives function together in harmony. For you and your husband, starting a family, finding your own home, making plans for the future are all good things. Good things can and do take time. Please try to be patient with him.

[nadia.baseer.durrani]

I am from india and t is the eusual behaviour. And yes my husband is the first to get married.I do accept living with his family... but maybe I am finding the change hard. Maybe because before the wedding it was just us.. It does take time I guess. But it is a usual thing in my part of the world. But I also think that he should grow up and keep a better balance between me and his family. Because surely his mother is not goona do that. Hope it happens soon. Because its kind of disaapointing to see that the guy I married is such a kid and can't take any decision without his family. I have seen other guys, and they are not like that. And its detaching me from him.
Thanks so much for replying. Really appreciate the advise.

[Just_Another_Lemming]

Nadia, yes it sounds as if the change is hard for you. That is normal in any marriage no matter where you live. You have it harder because you are one little lady moving into a home where everyone's roles have been in place for a couple of decades. Just keep in mind that your Mother-in-law probably experienced what you are experiencing and so did your own Mother. So, you have two women in your life who can give you advice on how to adjust to your new role. Don't complain about it. They will not react well to complaining. Just ask their advice. Treat your Mother-in-law as you would a highly respected teacher and show her affection at the appropriate times as a daughter would.

Additionally, regarding your husband's point of view, please keep in mind that when you speak about plans with just the two of you, as long as you are living with his family, at this point in time, he is absolutely incapable of having visions of a future without them. The way most people break the parent/child relationship and re-form it into an adult/adult relationship is when they have moved out of the home and are living independently. This isn't just about your husband acting like "such a kid." This is also about his parents treating him as one. When you talk about plans without including his family, you are hurting him deeply because he loves his family. That is why he is arguing with you. Is there any way at all you can find a way to thread his family into your discussions of your future together when you speak with him? Think about your family and how you want them to be part of your future. Sunday dinners? Family get togethers? Then, apply those thoughts to his family. So, if you are thinking about moving into your own home, include his family as part of your dreams for parties & get togethers. Be positive and upbeat. As long as you are mindful of his feelings for his family and include them in your discussions, the fights should disappear. Please don't trade off the love you feel for your husband because you are having trouble adjusting living with his family and all the various personalities under one roof. I wish you the best of luck!

[Jake2008]

Lemming said something that was very interesting.

Regardless of the culture you are in, you could have been born and raised anywhere in Canada and three would be some in situations that you are in right now.

While you most likely wouldn't have moved in with his parents unless it was temporary, you may very well have found yourself seeing your husband as a reflection of the toal sum of his families' influence anyway.

I have known many who never cut the apron strings so to speak. Everything is run by, and discussed with, the family. Vacations are with the family and other family members, money is loaned and repaid out of loyalty and obligation. No major decisions are made simply between the couples, as it should be in my opinion. It is not a couple, it is an army of people who's influence dictates everything from how to raise a child, to where to live, etc.

I have the choice not to be involved with a man who never leaves home so to speak, and because I have that choice, along with most people, it isn't set in concrete that when I marry, I have to marry his family too. I loved my husband's parents,but didn't spend any time with his siblings because they were obnoxious self-serving individuals.

It is different for you, and I respect that the expected situation you are in is different than mine, and we both have generations worth' of expectations and obligations- just in a different context.

I don't see that there is much hope to change the relationships as much as there is maybe an opportunity to accept what you cannot change, and make the best of the time you have with your husband.

[nadia.baseer.durrani]

Thank you so much for the insight. It helped and I really appreciate it. You are right. Accept what I can not change and make the most of it. That's the wisest thing to do I guess.

[sabazee]

No he won't change for the rest of his life. The best thing you can do, is to try and wait for the right time.

Pray, and keep on trying... don't do what u want to do that way he would be more miserable. Guys are like that, selfish
B@@#ts.

[sakshee]

Hi nadia,

It happens in every household.The only way to these problems is that you wait for some time.TIME does not stand still. Time has to go on. And a day will come when things will reverse. But that will take into account every action of yours. You need to have this as a goal and slowly take steps to change his thoughts.Remember Rome Was Not Built In a Day. SO wait for time and keep doing your home work and have PATIENCE and PREPARE..
Good Luck