[unhappyman]

Ok,

Im a freshman at university in Canada and for ages I was a carefree, sleeparound guy. A short way into the second term (Jan) I met a girl on a night out and got with her, about two weeks later after seeing each other every night we sleep together and do after that every time we go out. I found out about two weeks after this that she had literally just split up with her ex boyfriend who she was with for over 3 years. Meanwile we have been seeing each other whenever we go out and having sex 3-4 times a week. I was obviously getting attached to her but she is saying she doesn't want a relationship as she wants to live as a single for a while but that she really really likes me and thinks there is definitely something there in the future. We have continued in a quite weird relationship where we are not committed but extremely close. We are sleeping together and express all our feelings but I have seen her kiss other guys and she has seen me with other girls(anything more is strictly off limits.. again, weird!), she says she HATES it and gets so jealous and I feel completely the same! This last term she has begun to mean more and more to me and I have never been so attached to someone in my life, she says that she feels the same and loves it so much but can't deal with the commitment. We've now broken up for summer and she is coming to my house for a week and I'm going to hers, she calls me and says she doesn't know wheather she should come as she doesn't want to hurt me as she isn't ready for a relationship, but still says she misses me and she doesn't know what to do.

She tells me she has never experienced going out and having the thrill of no attachment and being flirty with guys because she had her ex since being young and then met me...

I don't know how to move on from now as Ive completely fallen for her but don't want to smother her, I think maybe I am giving it too easily and maybe I should take a few steps back, not see each other for a while and sleep around again (a totally repulsive idea in my head but one that may mean she misses me and the total freedom for a time lets her get her head streight) or say everything is fine not to worry, continue sleeping with her, no strings attatched and long run she may want more.



A very confused boy trying to work out what to do!

Thanks for any help


I'd just like to add how many people seem to be in the same boat as me on this forum and how nice it is to get experienced peoples opinions on these tricky emotional decisions

[Homegirl 50]

I don't understand this jumping into bed with people you don't really know.
After you've had sex you find out she just broke up with her boyfriend. This kind of thing should have been a part of the "getting to know you" conversation before sex.
Stop digging yourself deeper into this whole. Stay out of bed with her. Let her do her running and screwing around to get it out of her system. Why should you continue to be a part of it?
I don't understand this "I care about you but I'm not ready for a relationship so we'll just have sex" stuff.
How do you continue to sleep with someone with no strings attached? You already like the girl.
Walk away from this mess before you are really deep in it.

[talaniman]

Yet another case of sex and love being used and confused. You are a rebound, a safe haven for support and male contact that's easy and safe as she regroups emotionally from a break up. You supply her with security, and certainty, a comfort zone where she can get what she needs as she moves on, and heals, and explores. She can never fail, or be hurt emotionally while you are around. Bit she has no responsibilities, obligations, or commitments to you to stop her in any way to do whatever she wants.

You are just attached at this point, and she is a safe familiar, haven for you also. How convenient. But that's what happens when two people are attracted to each other and move so fast that your feelings, as strong and intense as they may be, have yet to be defined, and clarified. Sure the energy of those intense feelings are enough for most people in the beginning, but when the physical fades, and it surely will, what will be left? You throw the love word around, but its meaning for you both is lost in the lust you're both caught up in.

Happens all the time when we humans pursue feelings instead of facts, and take time to know who you share your body, mind, and time with. That's great as long as there are no obstacles, or conflicts, to the good times because you can just coast and enjoy each other. To bad that NEVER lasts long, and things changes once the lust wears off.

That brings us to your confusion, since you haven't taken time to know who your screwing with, or what she really adds to your life. But you do want more, because for now its good despite the fact there is NOT a commitment for anything other than sex. Willing, abundant sex!! What guy would turn that down, right?

But that's the confusion, as right now you don't have to do anything, not even think, or see what you are doing which is just about screwing, and of course the love word, (which sounds great to your ears, but means nothing and so far untested, and undefined except as LUST) that you have completely ignored to crucial FACTS
1-She is recovering from a long term FAILED relationship.
2-She doesn't want any type of romantic commitment.

So having ignored those facts you became her willing rebound just for the sex, the rest of that falling for each other is only in your minds, fueled by lust, and undefined words, that the feelings they stir, and a reaction to the sex, time, and attention. Maybe strange for you both. The heart says its all good, because it feels good, and that's enough for now. The real questions start when the lust has worn off, which seldom happens at the same time to two partners, but you find out if there is more between you than just strong, intense, feelings.

Like can you stand each other on a rainy day when you're broke, and hungry. Then you find out what's really happening. That brings us on what to do about it. That's easy, stop falling in love so deep you can't get out. Stop thinking sex is love, and stop thinking sex is forever, and love never dies.

Lust fades, and love grows, but neither are the basis for the long term, but nobody believes that until life, and reality put a boot up your butt, and you realize it takes more than love to pay the rent, or keep your cell phone on.

My point? Its your feelings that have you confused, and blind to what's really happening around you. You should take a step back to see what you are doing, and why.

[bob43434343]

I agree. You need to tell her that you care for her deeply or let her come to you-whatever you think the situation dictates. Maybe both.