[makimaki]

I have a real problem with myself! And I know that there are a lot of deeper more important things in the world to be writing about. But I see myself emotionally stuck. And you might advice me to go to a therapist, but I don't really see how that would help :( So please hear me out.

For some reason (maybe my childhood-I can't remember much of it :( , maybe I blocked it altogether) I have this deep need to feel loved. I need to feel loved by other people. That is what I desire the most in the whole wide world. I've always been rejected by people I care about. Even when I was in school, I was made fun of because I was too white or too nerdy. My bookbag was tossed in the trashcan and everything! And with my friends, I feel like I can never really trust anyone. (Maybe that's why I'm like this?)

So I was sitting outside crying my eyes out and I decided to write how I felt. Maybe someone out there might help me. Someone that might be going through the same thing... I don't know!

When it comes to relationships, I fall in love and I expect to receive it back. I know love should be unconditional but why not reciprocal too? And when I don't feel loved I get needy, annoying, helpless. Like nothing matters. This has happened since I was a teenager. And obviously this is the one thing that drives people away! I am 25! And I am still going through this. I thought I would grow out of it. So it's so frustrating that I get pushed away by the one I love because I am needy. When all I want is to be loved. :(

I am currently with my boyfriend of 4 years but I am starting to annoy him with my neediness and I can't control it. And we have had our ups and downs but there is still this big problem of mine. For example, We don't see each other for 3 days and I go crazy and I tell him that I miss him and I call him a lot and he says that it drives him crazy... that I'm annoying. I don't know if it's me or if it's him. Because one second everything is fine and the next I am acting crazy and psycho? I don't know what to do, because in my mind I am not doing anything wrong.

I am smart, I am beautiful, but I have this huge issue! My sister says it's co-dependence. That I am obsessed with him and everything! But I just want to feel like someone truly loves me. Loves me For ME, including all those annoying things that I do.

:(I just want to be heard because I feel like this is not normal. I feel like it's been enough! I am done being this way! I have already lost two relationship in the past because of this :( And then to top things off I am studying for the CPA exams and it's driving me crazy. I have two more to go and I have been studying for months! Just stuck in my house, no friends, NOTHING! I just want to be happy already!! Is that too much to ask? Ahhh I really needed to get this out. And nobody else understands what Im going through... I just want to feel loved and be HAPPY!! :( Is there really something wrong with me? Do I need help? I don't know what to do. But I don't want to push the people I love away, I want... just the opposite of that!


And when I say that I want to be loved, this also means that I want to give love without being rejected!! But my expression of love comes off as neediness? UGHH do you understand my frustation. And talking about it with the people I love doesn't really help the situation.

[KyleS28]

I am the male counterpart to you. I give my heart away around the 4-6 month mark and then I get rejected because I am too needy.

[redhed35]

There is nothing wrong with you,all humans have a need to be loved and heard and to give love,however each individual interupts that for theyselves.

Having a busy life apart from your boyfriend is key to reducing those needy feelings.

If you can set goals for yourself and achieve them away from and apart from your boyfriend (im not saying end the relationship) you build yourself esteem and realise the only person who can love you the most is YOU.

Try to balance your life,where you have other interests other then your relationship.

[sully123]

There is nothing wrong with you. Stop putting yourself down. You should be proud of yourself, to where you are, now going for your CPA. Your on the right track. It's just that you need other interests besides your boyfriend. Go for a walk, join a gym, anything, take a hobby up, anything to distract you from being so needy. You don't want to destroy this relationship if your happy. Some of these things do come out from childhood. If you feel its really driving you crazy seek therapy, and then you make get to the root of it. Do you have family close by?

[makimaki]

You are right! And that is my problem, I am currently at home studying ALL the time, he is like the fun part of my days.. My escape from studying... from these books that are driving me crazy! And maybe I am being a little selfish? He does love his space!

AHhh I can't wait to be done with these exams! But still, it hurts to be called annoying/needy when I am (to my understanding) only being truthful about my feelings! :(

[sully123]

I am sure it hurts when people say you are needy. Actually, someone said that to me, years ago, and you know, they are so wrong. I am quite the opposite, we all go through it. Just stay focused on studying for your exams and you will come out ahead. The time you spend with your boyfriend, just enjoy it and stop being so hard on yourself. Your on overload. Good luck!

[makimaki]

Thank you Sully123! I know I am quite hard on myself! And it's something that I've been trying to work on for years! In fact, one of the only things that I remember from my childhood is that I was having a really hard time at school. I was probably in 3rd or 4th grade, maybe... And I was letting my dad down! I was failing my classes. I remember feeling bad. And the all of a sudden from 6th grade to now I have pushed myself so hard. Straight A's honor student!

The pressure that I've had from my dad to do well has always been my motivation. Even to this date! It makes me so happy to make him proud. :)

And, to answer your question, I do have family close by, I live right next to my parent's house! They're my neighbors... I also have sisters that listen to me when I am down or when I need to vent! But they two agree with my boyfriend. They think I am needy, obsessed and that I need help! Nobody understands really how I feel!

[sully123]

It's great you have family close by, and you have sisters to vent to. I am sure your Dad will be so proud of you, when you pass those exams. Did you ever think when you become a CPA you won't have time to be needy, you will be so focused on your job, you will want time for yourself, and won't have time to be needy. It will pass in time, just get through your exams. Stay focused on your career, and when you get needy, vent to us, instead.

[makimaki]

I like the way you think! I will try that. I need to stay more focused! I'm almost there. Next exam is on July... It's just these past few days, he's had a hard time at work and usually gets very moody/bipolar VERY easily Lol... well he's a Cancer! Haha And... He wants/loves his space!!

And it's very hard for me to just focus on studying... when I am missing him sooo much! I just wish I wasn't needy. That is why it is also an issue! The whole situation becomes a distraction and it becomes that much harder to focus on the exam! I just have to be stronger, and whenever I get needy I will write about it and try to study. :S

[Jake2008]

There is a fine line between being needy and being controlling.

The obsessive need to continuously have reassurance and confirmation that your fears are justified, is wearing to your partner, and honestly, I would find it tiring too.

When you depend upon another person to make you feel loved, and go about it the way you do, the one on the receiving end starts to feel overwhelmed. If the relationship is all about you, and your needs, to a point where you are not successful in relationships to any degree, then there is something wrong.

To get what you need, as you said, your behaviour becomes psycho and all consuming. You don't want to drive him away, but that is what you are doing.

You describe yourself as needy, helpless, and annoying. And that has nothing to do with your boyfriend. You can't make him love you by being obsessive.

You are 25 and have identified yourself, how this pattern of behaviour is holding you back, to such a degree that your need to be loved is your one and only priority in life, yet you don't understand that love is not owning someone elses' emotions, actions, and behaviours, in order for you to get what you need.

I think that seeing a therapist would help you gain enough insight, and confidence in yourself that you can rely less on what you think you need from others, and focus more on what you can do for yourself.

That you have been with your current boyfriend for 4 years, you may wish to consider his input as well, and the two of you go to counselling together. He may not feel really free to express himself, for fear of how you would react; this way he has an opportunity to give you some idea of how your behaviour affects him, and how he sees the relationship.

[makimaki]

Thank You... I really needed someone to explain my behavior the way you did. I am beginning to see things more objectively and I really hope that it's not too late...

I haven't called him in two days because I feel a bit embarrassed and I just don't want to sound needy. And.. I think that he is really enjoying the time apart because he hasn't tried to contact me either... I had no idea relationship would be so much hard work and that falling in love could hurt so bad!! I am going to keep giving him space to come around. Although I think that I am the one who needs space more. It has really helped me to see things from HIS point of view. Well.. we'll see what happens!

Thanks again for your imput Jake2008 :)

[Homegirl 50]

I hope you also take her advice and see a therapist.

[Jake2008]

Good for you!

He will be much happier if he thinks that you trust him during the brief absences too.

One thing you might want to consider when you are feeling overwhelmed, or worried, is to get yourself a journal or diary of some sort.

When the familiar feelings start, write out your thoughts in a diary. How you are feeling, what you are thinking, and why. Getting anxious moments on paper can sometimes, when read over, save you from yourself. The same thing applies when something in the relationship triggers the old familiar pattern of behaviour. Write it out, and then learn from it.

Small steps at a time, just like re-learning or learning anything new. Especially with relationships, because they are at the top of the confusion list. :)

[makimaki]

Homegirl50 I've seen a therapist before and my experience with therapy was not a pleasant one. I don't really want to or have time for that right now. I am not over-ruling completely though. I though that finding out the reasons I might be this way might help me get better... But, I think that for now, what everyone has said to me through here has helped immensely!

I've been able to see things A LOT more objectively instead of being absorbed in my worries. I also think that my lack of hobbies, friends and being absorbed with studying has a lot to do with my recent obsessive neediness.

FYI: The CPA exam consist of 4 exams, of which I have been studying everyday (started 3 months ago) 8+ hours a day. It is extremely stressful and time consuming.

So being stuck in my house has not really helped, but I think that if I can focus my energies on something else other than him I will be able to improve my dependence in others for once! It will be hard... but at least I am accepting things and have a more positive outlook. Like Jake2008 said: small steps at a time! ;)

Thank you to everyone! :)

[Jake2008]

Good luck with your exams!