[gemini9]

Hi all, I'm brand new to this but I really need some honest insight into my situation.
My ex and I, lets call her Agnes, had been living together for 2yrs. And broke up nov 15/09 with her moving out and me moving to a new place in Dec/09. During the last 6 months we would stillsee each other and she even stayed with me for 1 month due to health reasons which was great.
She would spend the night and go home for the day etc. this was mar/april/10. Then she stopped seeing me and talking to me for a week or so and then we would make contact again and this went on for a month. Then I called her and wanted to know how she was etc. we talked and then she asked me out for dinner and we have talked every day since then.
She says she wants to be friends, however I don't want to be just friends
Since we both know what we had and really want that again. I do love her very much and I think she still loves me, however will not voice those words now
However, I must back up here and explain why she left me in the first place.
I started drinking and it just got too much for her, I was not abussive in any shape or form, just drinking every day for the past year we were together. It just got to be too much for her. She said to me recently that if it was not for the drinking we would still be together.
So I came to a decision and quit drinking entirely and began going to AA in order to understand myself and the problem that I have with alcohol.
I'am of course doing this for my own growth however I do want to show her that I can and will change myself for the better in order to have her in my life the way we were. She is the love of my life and I hope I do not lose her for she makes me very happy when we are a couple and I do the same for her.
Why does she still hang around and do you think she may be receptive to try again in the future?
How do I go about trying to get her back or is this just a pipedream on my end.

Thanks

When we had dinner last wed. we fell into all the comfortable ways we always had with me caressing and touching her the way I always have. She did not mind this and we had a great time together. I tried to understand her body language and how she verbalized her answers, however she hid this well.
During the walk home she asked me twice if I really quit drinking and I answered her that I had and told her why
She then asked me to meet up with her the next day and I said I would
What do you think is going on in her head, for she will not give me the closure that I had asked for and she has not outright told me to go my own way.
I,am very confused about this, however I'am not confused about how much I care for and love this women
I rally need insight and how to proceed

Thanks

[sully123]

I understand how she feels, and I guess that was the turning point for her to be out of the relationship. Alcohol, ruins relationships. Glad your getting the help you need, but right now pestering her to make the relationship work, isn't going to change things. She made it clear she wanted to be friends. In her mind, your in AA, but she isn't convinced yet, and it doesn't go away overnight that fast. It takes time. I would give her some space and continue working on yourself. Your heading in the right direction. I also left a marriage, because I never knew my husband was an alcoholic, and he wasn't abusive either. It's terrible, but glad your doing something to change the situation. Don't force the situtation now, let it be. If it's meant to be she will come back.

[gemini9]

sully123
I think I must clarify something's, she is still calling me as well and we have these 3 to 4 hr conversations which are great and I must add that I have apoligized for everything that has transpired because of my drinking.
We were out to dinner last wed. and it was as if nothing happened, I was caressing and touching her as I have always done and she did not say anything.
So what is going on in that beautiful mind of hers and when would it be appropriate to ask her to give me another chance, for I love and respect this women so very much and she does know it for I tell her as much always.

Thanks

[Eileen G]

Talk to her. Ask her outright what is going on. You are not a mind reader, and it's perfectly okay to ask her to spell out in words what she is thinking. And be prepared to be honest in response.

[floaton]

Let it be for now and see how it goes. Congrats on the big decision to quit the bottle. That takes a lot of courage and I hope you can show her that but please don't be forceful. She needs time.

[crazyforcoffee]

If that person is for you she's for you. Meantime show her how great you can be byyourself 1st and let her see the improvements on you. Its not a guarantee solution, but it's a win win for yourself and eventually for her.

[gemini9]

Thanks to all you responders

But how do I go about actually posing the question about giving me another chance to make this relationship work after giving her a bit of time
It has already been 5 months and she told me fri that she had seen an old friend and slept with him for the first time, she did say it was unsatisfying for her, and will not see him that way again.
Why would she even do this with this guy she has known for 5 yrs?
I was stunned and dismayed and now I don't want to wait much longer to find out if she will give me another chance because I don't want her to do this again.

Thanks

[exbestfriend]

I think she's just exploring her options and knowing that you'll be waiting for her (I don't know I'm not sure I'm only assuming) so she's out there trying. why don't you try to find a new hobby, sports or activities that will keep you busy and occupied, in that way you think of her a little less longer. But then again if you really love her and you think you can't live with out give yourself a chance maybe a last go then if it ddnt work at least you tried.

[sully123]

That's a real hurtful thing to find out she slept with someone else after 5 months. Honestly, there is nothing you can do, it's her decision and her life. I guess she had made it clear you weren't a couple anymore and just wanted friendship. But, if you keep on pushing she will go the other way. Just let it be for now, your being way too hard on her. She didn't like you drinking and you have stopped which is a big step, but it doesn't take just overnight to make that go away. To me, her sleeping with someone else, would tell me something.I would go on with my life and if its meant for the two of you to be together, then it will happen. Your on the right track now, just stay focused on you, as hard as it is.

[gemini9]

By the way she slept with him about a month ago and hasn't had contact since then with him
Why do you guys think she did this and why did she feel the need to tell me?
I know were not together at this time as a couple, but she must know how much this bothers me

[sully123]

No one knows the reason why she slept with him, and why she told you, she only knows. Sure, its going to bother you. But think about it, do you really think you want someone like that, if she can forget that fast, and jump in bed with someone else.

[jmjoseph]

Are you still in AA? If so then you should be working your program, and following the 12 steps. One day when you get better, then you worry about having a relationship. If it's her, then I suggest she getting into Alanon to better understand the mind of an alcoholic. And for her to understand that she cannot change, or control you.

This really should be in the "addictions" section. It's not about any relationship right now, it's about you getting , and staying sober.

That's what caused this break-up in the first place. Right?

You may not be drinking, but you still are an alcoholic. And will be for life.

Just like me.

And it's really none of your business who she sees when you two are not together.

God bless the still suffering alcoholic.

[Devorameira]

I think it's obvious that she still cares a lot for you, but I think she's afraid that your behavior is only temporary and you will go back to drinking. If she didn't care, she would be completely out of the picture.

I'm sure she's afraid that the moment you two get back together that the same old habits will surface again. I don't blame her for being hesitant, as many alcoholics relapse.

Just keep attending your AA meetings, keep working on yourself, and let the relationship slowly move along. Some day she may feel confident enough to trust you to not drink.

[gemini9]

sully123

Thank you for your insight, she did say she was lonely and bored,however I do want her and I have to let her know this for better or for worse
I really need to know if she wants me back in the future, fore I do love her still and we were not together at the time she did sleep with him and she has known that I have slept with women during this braekup.
I must let her know how unsatisfied I am with seeing other women and that I do only love her that way

Please give me insight and direction concerning agnes

[jmjoseph]

sully123

thank you for your insight, she did say she was lonely and bored,however i do want her and i have to let her know this for better or for worse
i really need to know if she wants me back in the future, fore i do love her still and we were not together at the time she did sleep with him and she has known that i have slept with women during this braekup.
i must let her know how unsatisfied iam with seeing other women and that i do only love her that way

please give me insight and direction concerning agnes

So, you are trying to understand why she slept with ONE guy while you slept with SEVERAL girls?

There is a chance that she will give you a second chance IF she sees you making progress with your sobriety. Anything short of speculation, and outright guessing, WE don't know how or what she is thinking.

Go to a meeting. Bring up this subject. See what the seasoned members there have to say.

Go work your program. I will tell you that AA and Alanon saved my marriage.

[gemini9]

jmjoseph

Thank you for your response and yes I'm still in AA and working the program
However I do believe my question does belong here because this is about trying to find answers to ( can this relationship be fixed in the future)
I really require constructive thoughts along thes lines and how do I go about it

Please understand how I need to try and fix this with agnes for she still is the love of my life

Thanks very much

[Guapissima]

Okay, I am in a very similar situation as the one you have described here, only I am her. This is how I see it. She still loves you and still cares for you... the connection is still there, otherwise the contact would have been cut, drawn and severed by now. Her sleeping with someone else is an attempt to move on herself and she has admitted that she is finding this very hard to do. But she would be stupid to run back to you now when it is, at the moment, clear to her that the root of your breakup has not been addressed. She is protecting herself. Your alcohol problems are the root of much deeper problems for you and she sees this. She's looking for personal growth from you and for this TIME is needed. Concentrate on your own problems, make yourself strong. In the meantime, be her BEST friend and what is meant to be WILL be. X

[jmjoseph]

jmjoseph

thank you for your response and yes i'm still in AA and working the program
however i do believe my question does belong here because this is about trying to find answers to ( can this relationship be fixed in the future)
i really require constructive thoughts along thes lines and how do i go about it

please understand how i need to try and fix this with agnes for she still is the love of my life

thanks very much

The most important thing in your life right now is your sobriety. And you KNOW that.

THAT'S why this question should be moved.

Until you get your problem under control, you will not be able to succeed in anything right now. And she is smart enough to know that.

Let her see how important the program is to you right now. And everything else will fall into place for you.

Good luck.

[gemini9]

okay, I am in a very similar situation as the one you have described here, only I am her. This is how I see it. She still loves you and still cares for you... the connection is still there, otherwise the contact would have been cut, drawn and severed by now. Her sleeping with someone else is an attempt to move on herself and she has admitted that she is finding this very hard to do. But she would be stupid to run back to you now when it is, at the moment, clear to her that the root of your breakup has not been addressed. She is protecting herself. Your alcohol problems are the root of much deeper problems for you and she sees this. She's looking for personal growth from you and for this TIME is needed. Concentrate on your own problems, make yourself strong. In the meantime, be her BEST friend and what is meant to be WILL be. x

Guapissima
Thank you for your response but I have been addressing this problem with alcohol, however can this not be done as a couple.
Since you are in the same boat as me can you expound on how you see me progessing in my attempt to get agnes to see that I have changed and will stay this way, fore she is that important to me and I have to let her know this before I lose her

Please respond with how I should proceed in the future and feel free to ask me questions and I will answer

Thank you

[Guapissima]

Like I say, this takes time. Take a look at my post, I am right there with you(should I give him another chance?) There are all sorts of arguments that go on inside your heart and your head. She will be frightened of committing to you again because of your dependence on alcohol and very probably your dependence on HER. This is why I say, you must get YOURSELF strong. Only when you are strong, can you make insteps into successful relationships. So, in answer to your question, NO your problems are YOUR problems and cannot be addressed as a couple. It would be both unfair to yourself and her to ask that she takes on your battles. Why should she? Please, please understand that she is NOT your crutch.. a partnership should be beneficial to both parties otherwise what's the point? She loves you, that is obvious.. the rest is up to you.x