[engagedfeeltrapped]

Hi. I have never done anything like this. But I figured there is not time better than the present to get genuine, unbiased feedback.

I am engaged to a women I love and care for. However, lately I feel trapped. I feel like every morning I wake-up I am walking on eggshells and aware of every move I make. Because one wrong move or word can trip her. Then she'll be in a bad mood and becomes the victim.

She also has major issues with her family that are just flat out exhausting to deal with.

I know marriage is about sacrifices, but I don't feel like my life is not at all my own anymore.

Not to mention our sex life is less than ideal.

Still, she loves me unconditionally and for the most part is always there for me.

Plus, I am 34 and have always wanted a family. She will give me everything that I always wanted out of a marriage.

Ultimately, at the end of the day however, I occasionally look at other couples and wish I was as happy and in love as they are.

That is not how you're supposed to feel five months before your wedding, is it?

[mugger]

If you aren't 100% sure you want a marriage, then you should not do it. Before you can make anyone else happy, you have to take care of number one.

[Jake2008]

It's pretty clear that things need addressed. You should not have to walk on eggshells for anybody, or pick your words, or always give in, and never feel that you are an equal.

I think many of us can say that from time to time we walk on eggshells with our significant others because we've screwed up somehow, and you don't want to the powder keg partner exploding instead of calming down. That would be the same time that you cut the grass, fix the taps, wash the car, vacuum the house, make dinner, and scrub out the bathrooms.

But, when a disagreement happens, or you bring up something that you feel needs to be heard, and you are shut down, your needs are not being met.

Under those circumstances, as you said she turns herself into the victim, and you get insult added to injury by always walking on eggshells.

There are really very simple things to a successful relationship. Integrity, trust, loyalty, and above all, the ability to communicate. The communication starts, the moment you meet. The ins and outs, learning and adapting and changing with another person, is all part of the process of building a foundation. Nothing goes anywhere, if you cannot communicate your needs and be heard without ridicule or scorn.

When the communication is not honest, and when the attention your fiancé gets is what she expects you to do, that makes her somewhat of a bully. She may be there for you as you say, but is it more that it is convenient for her to be? Does she work out relationship problems, or does she dictate what you should think, feel and say.

I think you need to get her attention, and you may wish to consider postponing the marriage before it is too late to do so. Cancel everything. Explain to her what you have said here, and that you need to be sure that you are as valued to her, as she is to you. Bear in mind that words are meaningless when you really need the meat and potatoes of a solid, loving relationship where you are free to be yourself, and express yourself, while at the same time maintaining your dignity.

It all boils down to realizing that you do have a say, and you do have some control over how you will live your life, and with whom, and under what circumstances. Shotgun weddings are a thing of the past. You are the only person who controls your own destiny.

Take a breather, try couples counselling, get as close to the truth of how you feel as possible, and carefullly reflect on how she treats you. If she cannot change to allow even the most basic of human interraction on an honest level, and admit that the relationship needs work, then the foundation is crumbling.

I personally think you are right to question everything about another person, particularly another person to whom you may be married to for many years to come.

You do have options.

[talaniman]

How long has this relationship been going on? Why do you let her play the victim? Why do you retreat when she does? I don't see that as honest communications on your part. Maybe your afraid of what she may say or do, but get your feeling out there, and let her walk on the eggshells.

You have had a preview of life with her, so should you let her have a preview of life with YOU?