[prowaker]

Ill do my best.

But when you broke up or got broken up with your significant other, did you ever wonder what they were doing what they are up to, who they are seeing?

These are all the things that pop into my mind like all the time especially when I'm sleeping.

Which break up are you referring too?? I have been dumped many times, for many reasons, and after being married to the Queen of My Universe for more than 30 years, my attitude is gratitude to all my exes. Break ups do suck when your going through them, but you survive and will be better for it. No matter what happens.

[Homegirl 50]

And that is natural, but we are telling you that these feelings will pass. You must go NC in order for that pain to lessen. Don't give in to those feelings.

[prowaker]

I know but its so FREAKING hard.

[Homegirl 50]

I know that too.
Hang in there though.

[jimseekinadvice]

No one said no contact would be easy. But its an alternative that will save you from much pain later on. In order to be just friends... truly only friends... you have to ask yourself "are you okay with her being with someone else". When you are at the point where your answer is yes, that is when you can contact her and be friends. But until then, stay away or you will just get more hurt.

[eveamee09]

Hey prowaker,

Aw I understand that crying all day feeling. It's SO horrid and you feel like it will never go away or get better... today for me has been a good-ISH day (like yours was a couple of days ago) and I have managed not to cry yet as I've been distracting myself and forcing myself to carry on. It's SO hard and aw being sick is nasty, I get that feeling of physical sickness, it's like constantly there in the pit of your stomach this sinking feeling and it won't go? Thing is, like I said for now we need to hold onto the hope that it will go. I keep having good days and bad days, and you will too, at least there are some good days! And when you're ready, what do you think about no contact with her? Trust me it's difficult - I spoke to him every day too - but you just somehow have to MAKE yourself do it. I really feel for you x

[prowaker]

Your right I don't think right now I could see her with someone else it would just tear me apart.

No contact with her is like cutting something really important out of my life. That's why I don't think I can do it. I've been trying my best I really have been but then these thoughts come rushing into my head about what she's doing, who's she's with, where she's at. I know I shouldn't care but I can't help it.

Starting next week I will be starting my new job which is full time and I will still be working part time so I think this will help. Ill be out of the house and not near a computer or anything to creep. I'm just still devastated the way it happened, its just not fair.

[Welshy_89]

The job should help a lot, stop your mind from wondering. I had to write a list of why its not worth me or her going out, read it each day when I forget and start to like her again. Honestly she was amazing, but I can't let myself think that. Try it out as like a first step kind of thing.
Bad thing about me was I ended writing a list of everything I loved about her which totally didn't help, I was a mess after that! So reason one for you is she got rid of you so she's missing out. She made the mistake, and you will show her she did when you get yourself together

If she goes down the road of clubbing which is very much like what My ex is doing now, then again she is just lowering her bar for boys. Another reason to not like her is that. If she kisses another boy, let her, I'll add that to the list of why I don't like her until I'm completely over her.

Do you get my point or is it badly explained?

Basically anything which you would feel hurt by, just take it, and put it on her. That way you are not as affected by it. Im in the process of doing this now and found it kind of works. I have a few nights of being in turmoil! But then I read the list and I'm back, but so far so good anyway!

[prowaker]

Yah I know what you mean. If I were to write that list of why her and I shouldn't be going out it would be pretty short.. then the list why we should would be extremely long.. in my head it's the fact that she will be with other guys, again not that I should care and she is lowering her standards to bar guys. She will never find another me that's for sure. I treated her so well and I guess she kind of took it like I was for granted.

I'm just lost and confused and thinking I'm the only one hurting by something like this but every time I come on here and read something I realize that hundreds of people are going through the same thing.

Its just weird for me all this break up stuff because we have been together for so long and we never really took this kind of a break where we both know that we will not be getting back together.

[Welshy_89]

I am 100% in your shoes it's scary, my relationship was a bit of a mess but we got through eveything together and always talked about issues we had. And don't worry about that list thing, my list of reasons for going out with her were a lot too, big mistake to write one! But my list for not going out with her was pretty short, but each day I would just add to it.
And you are right she won't find anyone like you again probably, weirdly the guy my ex likes could pass as my brother. So maybe she doe's still like me deep down I don't know, but still I'm not letting it stop me move on, she has got me back too easily and too many times. So I'm going all out to get over her and stop getting used by her. Don't become a back-up like I did, I can see you are going down that road of wanting to be the centre of her attention or if she asked you to her you would say yes because you just want to see her and hope something might happen. That happened to me a lot. It only sets up for more hurt.

[prowaker]

So I found out 2 things.. which kind of hurts me to know.
She is going to this 'italian fest' tonight and all I can wonder about is if she's going to be drinking/partying or will she be with any guys.
Second she is going to a party tomorrow night and all I can think is the same thing.

I've been trying to keep busy and stuff but like I can't do it. Its hurts knowing that we used to do these things together. I'm scared. I feel alone, hurt and crushed. Just thinking about if she's with another guy at these things is mind blowing.

I don't mean to come on here and just say this kind of stuff but I need to let it out.

[Homegirl 50]

However it is you are finding these things out, stop going to those sources.
If someone wants to tell you about her, tell them you don't want to hear it and don't ask anyone about her.

[eveamee09]

Hey prowaker, it's really good that you're saying it on here because sometimes there is no one else you can tell these things too. I feel the same sometimes. I think Homegirl is right, unfortunately finding out is just going to cause you more and more pain. It's weird because being out of your situation it's easy to see that although it would be hard, cutting ALL contact with her would be the best option, as what are the options if you don't?

Okay, option number 1 - she will still talk to you every now and again, you will find out what she's doing, you'll feel complete and utter pain when you hear that she's gone places with other guys, you'll cling onto some hope that she'll realise her love for you, and the hurting will never end. Option number 2 - She will decide that she wants to go out with you again in a few weeks, but only because she's bored, so you're her back-up plan, and her feelings will never REALLY change and she'll dump you again a few weeks/months later. The cycle will continue.

Or, there is option number 3. Option 3 - you feel the worst pain you've ever felt by having absolutely NO contact with her. It is torture. You have SO many urges. You cry all day. You are sick. You feel like you want to just collapse because you miss her so much, and are wondering about what she's doing. But... slowly... over time... you slowly get better. It takes time, and lots and lots of pain and so much effort, but you get there. Even if it takes a year, you will get there in the end.

Option 1 and 2 = pain for life. Option 3 = temporary pain, and the chance to move on and feel better.

What do you think?

[Homegirl 50]

As much as it hurts, you have power over how much and for how long you suffer.
Deal with the pain now, it gets less. You will get past this.

[prowaker]

I don't know what to say because I still have no idea what's going on in my life. I lost the one thing I cared and loved. My parents are starting to get mad at me over this whole thing. I'm getting yelled at by my parents and there are lecturing me about stuff I didn't even do or have no idea what's going on.

[eveamee09]

Hey prowaker,

Listen. It seems to me that your head is spinning, you're really confused about what's going on, and you just don't know what to think right now.

You don't need to make ANY decisions now about what to do, or what is best. You just need to try your hardest to relax, or lie down, and take nice deep calming breaths and talk on here to me if you like. Your parents are probably fed up as they can see the pain you're wallowing in and they want you to try to move on, but don't worry about them right now. Try to clear your mind and calm down, and tell yourself that right now you have no decisions to make, you can deal with it all in a few days' time when your mind is clearer and you can think much more carefully about what to do. Perhaps it's all just got a bit much for you right now and what with them yelling at you as well it's making it all feel worse.

[prowaker]

I can't relax, I can't sleep, I can't breather. I don't know what's wrong with me. I try not to worry about them but they come to me at the worst points when I'm feeling down and make it worse. There's so much stuff running through my mind and I have no one close to tell them to. Normally I would go to her but that's out of the question. Oh its got way out of control for me and its making it a lot worse when they come to me asking about her.

[talaniman]

Lots of bad stuff going on huh!? That's life. Its not just losing a g/f, trust me its about not know what to do about the feelings you are going through.

You have none or very little experience with things that bring out intense feelings in you.

Young guys (and some old ones) have trouble knowing what to do about their own feelings, and its usually after several times, that they start to get a handle, and practice self control, and self discipline, and self awareness. In other words, the skills to deal with whatever life throws at you in a positive, productive, way, and its not just the girls this applies to but be patient, and be busy on your own behalf.

Its barely been a week if I count right. That barely time to bust a pimple.

[eveamee09]

i can't relax, i can't sleep, i can't breather. i dont know whats wrong with me. i try not to worry about them but they come to me at the worst points when im feeling down and make it worse. theres so much stuff running through my mind and i have no one close to tell them to. normally i would go to her but thats out of the question. oh its got way out of control for me and its making it a lot worse when they come to me asking about her.

Hi prowaker. I know this might sound quite drastic, but do you have any other girly friends who you know quite well (preferably ones who didn't know her very well) who you could talk to or just tell what's happened to? Also, again this might seem like a big step right now but do you know of any football training/rudgy clubs near you or some guys that go and play football in a group that you could just join in with? The whole idea of it probably sounds horrible, but the other day when I felt at my lowest my Mum made me go out to dinner with my Dad and Sister and it distracted me so much and brought me out of the misery I was in (if only for a few hours), and last night seeing my belly dancing friend helped because I got out of the house and somewhere where there was lots of people. Being alone is when all the feelings pour out and the tears come, and you feel like you want to die. Being around other (understanding) people can make things feel better, if only for a little bit.

Or, you could actually invite your Mum/Dad into your room and tell them honestly how you're feeling, and ask them for their advice. You might be surprised that they'd listen to you and tell you they'd been through similar things? These are just ideas, but again if you don't feel ready for all this yet you could just wait a few days until you feel a little clearer about things.

Also, are you having panic attacks? You say you can't breathe, are there moments when your heart beats really fast and you feel like you're losing control?

[prowaker]

You I am talking to a few of my girl friends about this. They are all older than I as well. So they have been through the same stuff. Yah I'm going to the gym as well with my friends but it only distracts for a little bit. I've been trying to keep extremely busy, but all I can think about is her. I would invite my parents into my room and tell them, but I feel like I'm lying to them. This whole thing pretty much started about a comment my mom made to my girlfriend who then had a fit (but she was joking around). She told her mom the comment and that's why I can't talk or see her. I don't want to say the whole story because its way to long and I don't really know if its appropriate on here.

Yah that happens at night when I can't breather and I just freak out. Like it feels like my head is spinning and everything is coming to an end.