[Skell]

I agree with you totally Allheart and it is exactly what I have tried to impress on Meedee all along.

If he truly wasn't ready, and I didn't think he was as you'll remember, then he should wait until he is.

I pressed him to do that heavily. But as I said, only if it was indeed for his benefit and no other reason. I wanted to make that clear as well..

And I'm with you, I think Meedee did do it for the right reasons, and I'm glad he seems a bit more at ease, but I just felt I had to confirm that in light of his last post.

Im now at ease with his response and reasoning!

[Allheart]

Oh I do remember Skell, and so very glad you have been and are there for MeeDee.

[valinors_sorrow]

I'm a little concerned with the fact that you almost sound proud of the fact that you have left her 'concerned' and 'perplexed'. Because that indicates to me that perhaps you havent made these decisions based on you, but rather on the effect it will have on her. Thats fine, but i must warn you that thinking that way could eventually backfire. If you make decisions based on the effect (either positive or negative) that they have on others then in my opinion your decisions will be severely jaded. Decisions should be made based on what is best for ourselves and how we will feel afterwards and the outcome that we will achieve. Not others. It feels good to make and impression on her??? How about it feeling good because it helped ease your mind and helped you think clearer. Wasnt that you original basis for your decision? Not the mark you left on her? I hope im wrong and im also glad you are happy, but it just smells to me like you still think it is some game. Can i ask where you plan on going from here? I dont have an opinion until i know what your plans are!

I think Wildcat, MeeDee and I agree on the following:
- One person having too much power in a relationship can and does cause problems.
- MeeDee who is kind of laid back personaity wise hooked up with a woman who is becoming a lawyer, i.e. not so laid back and this made for him accidentally giving his power away to her. It was evident in his posts too.
- He needed to get it back or the relationship was history

Where Wildcat and MeeDee aren't on the same page with me is:
- There are authentic and intelligent ways to get your power back (one of which I outlined in the "how to arrange a separation" post) and there are ones that for lack of a better word are inauthentic and not very sophisticated ways (games, tactics, insincere, phoney, etc) and which ones work the best.

We are, of course, free to disagree about all this too. I think Skell's post here points to the very same legitimate concerns I have had all along about MeeDee and this whole thread. But to some degree, either deliberately or accidentally, in mostly PM's I felt like MeeDee was doing a very counterproductuve thing setting the stage for WC and I to almost "play off" against each other, which is why I considered withdrawing from the thread back there. If he did do that deliberately it's the kind of thing game players who play from the position of "looking like they have no power" play from (I know almost every game out there and I don't mean that as a brag either). Like Skell, for MeeDee's sake, I hope that isn't true about him.

I did not like feeling that I am being sucked into a game like I did with the way this went. I now see (see, I am still learning too folks! LOL) that it was largely because of the behind the scenes pm'ing I was experiencing, which is warned about on sites like this FOR this very reason. If it can't be upfront, then maybe something not good is going on... and my instincts say that when it starts to get "funky" its time to either get more honest or get out. I chose here to get more honest and mean no disrespect to Wildcat or MeeDee for it. It is simply my expereince about what is happening here. What I do know about games is they simply do not endure the test of time, which is why I have maintained a "we'll see" attitude here.

As a result of this I have learned to be more careful with pm's, and I sincerely thank MeeDee for that lesson. Thank you.

[ordinaryguy]

It looks to me like MeeDee got way more advice than he needed. I suspect he may have enjoyed it more than the rest of you did. I'm glad I stayed out of this one. Oh wait, now I'm in. Doh!

[MeeDee23]

I'm sorry if you guys think "games" are going on here on the forum....this has evolved so much with so many different opinions, it just seems that way. I apologize to everyone that thinks my intentions here are not genuine and from the heart. I appreciate everyone's help.


UPDATE:

Recently she had sent me an email (as I said earlier) asking to meet up because she felt it wasn't fair to make me wait until it was convenient for her to talk (after exams). At that point I wasn't ready to meet with her as I felt I had to work on myself more and I didn't want to get in the way of her doing well in school. I sent her a reply basically saying:
-Please do not worry about me... and that the most important thing in the world was for her to stay completely focused on exams
-I look forward to meeting with her afterwards
-I have taken time and I recognize there are issues that she and I really need to sit down and talk about
-Wished her luck and that I believe her in

Didn't send any "I miss you's" or anything. Just well wishes and to show support that I care about her and doing well in school... and not to be selfish because this is a time that is not about her focusing on me.

I fully intend on meeting with her after exams (which is in a week) and really talking about what our true issues are and confronting them with our true feelings.

[rol]

Good luck meedee, at least you are well prepared now.
Keep strong and confident!

[Wildcat21]

Yep - go meet - but be prepared for anything. Open mind.

Let us know what you discussed. Time away will help you both.

[valinors_sorrow]

I fully intend on meeting with her after exams (which is in a week) and really talking about what our true issues are and confronting them with our true feelings.

I have a little different take on this than perhaps some. ... Sounds like she wants to meet and talk about the relationship, so go and talk about the relationship as adult-like as you can muster.

LOL forgive me for chuckling a bit here but isn't this pretty much exactly what I suggested on Post #5 of this thread ? :rolleyes:

All I can say here is... if either you or WC think making her wait has somehow brought you power then I well, can only shake my head and wonder, wait and watch LOL I already know that real power only lies in truth telling, not tactics. But first I must be willing to tell myself the truth in order to tell it to anyone else. And that is what goes wrong about 99.9% of the time in relationships. All that tactics ever do is stall the inevitable.

[BIM]

Well MeeDee and WC, since this is your plan for straightening out MeeDee's relationship, and its clearly your choice, all we can do is wait for further installments to see.........

Time will tell, won't it?

Ya Val, I think he should have met with her... he said he would. But it seemed WC talked him out of it and it seems like MEEDEE is playing games right now... my opinion.

I guess he will see. He may be losing her, but we all make our choices and have to live with them.

[BIM]

It makes me look like I"m a lost puppy running back at the first chance I have that the master calls. I intend to do something much like what Val said.....but does it hurt to stand my ground for a while?

Sounds like WC talking. The "being stubborn" thang may not always work. :confused:

[BIM]

LOL forgive me for chuckling a bit here but isn't this pretty much exactly what I suggested on Post #5 of this thread ? :rolleyes:

All I can say here is...... if either you or WC think making her wait has somehow brought you power then I well, can only shake my head and wonder, wait and watch LOL Power only lies in truth telling, not tactics --- tons of literature and the whole wide world and all it offers confirms this one almost daily.

EXACTLY! :D

[talaniman]

I guess we just have to wait and see what happens. The birds are ready to fly solo, so we can only hope they learned... something from us. I wish you luck and hope you find what your looking for.

[MeeDee23]

Thanks everyone

[Wildcat21]

No - he wasn't ready at all to talk with her. AND - if you read his posts he had NO SPINE in this relationship what so ever. You guys think everything was just completely perfect with them - it wasn't.

It's Meedee's plan. I wouldn't contact her at all personally for a long time.

[Allheart]

MeeDee,

You sound a little stronger on your feet. Continue to build your strength, work on yourself,
learn from this very difficult time, and if you truly believe she is the one, then follow your heart and remain true to who you are, what you believe and the things that you value.

I am hoping for the very best for you.

[Wildcat21]

I think eyes opened a little bit after this.

Remember - they had a 'break'. She asked for space - he can't go running back to her - that would be a big mistake.

[valinors_sorrow]

I am fortunate Wildcat in that my strong, capable, honest mate is wise enough to recognise that when I say leave me alone (and he does) only to hear me ask a few hours later if can we talk... that what he has just witnessed is called a woman's prerogative. AND funny thing, when he does it to me I do likewise (only in that case its called a man's prerogative LOL). And so we talk and basically when either of us requests it. Easy peasy. What we don't do is make power games out of it--- not now, nor did we in the beginning either. And had either of us attempted to, it would have been lovingly "called out" and questioned for the bs it is. That's for sure LOL

Now this may come down to a matter of just how real do you like it... but I have done enough variations of the unreal things to now know without a shadow of a doubt --- ain't nothing like the real thing baby.

I hope for your sake MeeDee, that both you and your girl get real with each other, very very real.

[Allheart]

Wild,

But somewhere within all of it... MeeDee has got to do what he feels inside what he feels is right not how she will view what he says or does. It has got to get to the point that if MeeDee wants to see her, then that is what he should do regardless of how she will view it. How can one ever get healthy if they are not coming one with who they really are. To fight against it may be more harmful.

Does this make sense?? Part of getting stronger is being who you are and not being concerned of how you are being viewed or reacting or acting based on what someone else would think. Avoidance of a situation can also bring on more weakness. He needs to figure out what he wants, say what he feels and not give one thought if it will make her stay or go. If he shows her his true self and she still leaves... well then the relationship should not be... If she stays after knowing his true feelings, then oh my... how great is that.

Keep in mind, she asked to see him. There is no running back right to her. He is acting like a mature adult, who is able to be himself and listen and reveal how he truly feels. How can this relationship, if there is to be one in the future,
Ever get solid, if one or both parties are mascardading how they truly feel?

Now you have to agree with this... come on... hit me with that little green guy :)

[MeeDee23]

To everyone who has followed my progress and given such helpful suggestions...

Link to old post:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...own-46419.html

I met with her tonight and I think it all went as well as possible. We laughed, joked, and reconnected. I felt cool, calm, and collected and I let her know everything that I felt. We came to the conclusion that it has not been enough time apart for us yet to jump right back into something... as that would definitely be foolish. We are going to take it very slow. We agreed to a separation and that we can "date" others for a few months if we so choose... but we will be open and honest with the other if that is the case.

I can say that I feel I opened her heart back up and she felt comfortable with me. That's the most I could ask for at this point, since a full reconciliation at this point would probably only lead us back into major problems. All I can say is the meeting was positive. She admitted how hard life has been without me and even accepting that fact that she is single (same with me though). She also says she wants to keep contact and see each other now and then. We hugged, gave a quick kiss on the cheek to each and parted ways. I felt strong and confident with what was going on.

Anyhow, I think this is a good step forward... in us both finding out what we want but also helping heal what happened between us. I'm glad I waited to meet with her because I definitely felt strong tonight. We are definitely on good terms right now. She is the most precious thing in the world to me... and there is no way I would want to rush anything.

[chuff]

Nice work. Now don't initiate the next move. Let her come to you.