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Adispatcher · Apr 10, 2010, 11:36 PM

My daughter will be turning 4 in November. My parent's adopted her when she was about 4 months old due to that fact at the time I wasn't ready to care for a child, wasn't in the right frame of mind. (the father by the way is not in the picture & never will be, signed his rights off from the very beginning). There was a lot of conflict btwn my parents & I several months after they adopted my daughter, I had second thoughts about the whole idea & regretted my decision... but that's a whole other story. Anyway, I'm married now & my husband & I are pregnant w/our first child. Eventually in the future we will tell our child that they have a half sister but that's obviously a lot of time away. I'm just curious, when & how is the best way to tell my daughter that I'm her biological mother? When my parents first adopted my daughter, they referred to themselves as "mommy & papa". So she already thinks they're her parents, she knows nothing different at this point. They treat her so good & give her everything she could ever want. I'm still a part of her life, but more like an "aunt" figure like my sisters are to her. I didn't agree w that when I had first heard that's the way it was going to be, but I took what I could get & that was a relationship w my daughter at all because for the longest time I didn't talk to my parents out of resentment, I finally came to my senses & wanted a relationship w my daughter period. Anyway, my mom & I have talked briefly, mentioned briefly that we will sit down w/my daughter when she's old enough & mature enough to hear the truth, but that's the question, how do you know when that "time" is? She's almost 4, should we focus on telling her soon? And how do we tell her? It's such a complicated situation, I don't want to necessarily tell my daughter when it's time that I wasn't ready to care for her which is why she went to my parents because that's not all true, I wasn't ready but I just needed guidance which I didn't have. My daughter's well being was looked out for but mine wasn't, I wasn't shown how to be a mother when that's really what I needed, guidance. BTW if this contributes to anyone's advice (and I have no hard feelings twds my mother), my oldest sister (who is my mom's biological daughter) was adopted by my real father when she was 3 years old. Well my parents never told my sister the truth about it until she found out on her own from a stranger when she was 19 years old. Needless to say, it caused a lot of drama in my family since, btwn my sister & mother, my sister resents my mom for not telling her the truth when she was younger, my mother's defense is she was trying to protect her. I don't want it to be this way w/my daughter, I want her to know right away & even though the situations are a little different because I am still in her life & my sisters real father isn't, it still makes me worry.

Wondergirl · Apr 10, 2010, 11:45 PM

My gut feeling is to tell her sooner rather than later, but you and your mom (your parents) must agree on this, or you will end up with a even bigger mess.

What will happen if your parents get sick or die, or are they very young? Will you then get guardianship of your own daughter? Since they actually adopted her, they can't and won't just hand her back to you now that your life is stable.

It would probably be best if you and your parents -- and your husband too-- meet with a lawyer, or at least a social worker or family therapist, to figure out the best way and time to let your daughter know who you really are.

Adispatcher · Apr 11, 2010, 12:08 AM

Thank you wondergirl.
I'm actually in my parent's will, where if something God forbid were to happen to them, my daughter would go to me. My mom is I think 49 & my dad is 57.
My sister told me there are books out there for situations like this, that explain how/when to explain these things to a child. I was considering looking for those books & reading them, but wanted to ask for advice on here first.

Wondergirl · Apr 11, 2010, 12:47 AM

Originally Posted by Adispatcher

Thank you wondergirl.
I'm actually in my parent's will, where if something God forbid were to happen to them, my daughter would go to me. My mom is I think 49 & my dad is 57.
My sister told me there are books out there for situations like this, that explain how/when to explain these things to a child. I was considering looking for those books & reading them, but wanted to ask for advice on here first.

I've been a librarian for over 30 years, and suspect most of those books deal with "normal" adoptions. Yes, go to your library or bookstore and read the ones for moms who give up babies as well as the ones written for kids who have been adopted. Your situation is somewhat unusual, but certainly has been done before, especially now that teen moms keep their babies and don't get sent away to some aunt's house where their babies are given away to strangers -- and the moms never see their children again (like back in my teenage).

You definitely need guidance now too and the chance to work together with your parents and spouse to resolve this satisfactorily for everyone, and most of all for your bio-daughter.

Adispatcher · Apr 11, 2010, 01:23 AM

Thanks, yah I'll still search for these books & see if I can find anything that related to my situation. I know, it seems very common nowadays too that children are being adopted/raised by the grandparents, it seems very popular. In fact, my sister & I were talking the other day & she was saying how my daughter will probably go to school w a lot of kids that are in the same situation, being raised by the grandparents. At least it seems popular in parts of the area I live.
Anyway, so do you think at age 4 is a reasonable age to tell my daughter the truth, and definitely w myself, my husband & my parents present.

Unsure_11 · Apr 11, 2010, 01:46 AM

I wouldn't wait that would couse a lot of problems (as you said)... I think as soon as posable but still when she will under stand it.. I would talk about it with your mom and agree on telling hernow and when she getsold enough to really get it like the age 5-7 not to late or she would get really mad you didn't tell her sooner.
Hope this helps good luck

ScottGem · Apr 11, 2010, 04:46 AM

Sorry, but this is not YOUR decision. You are not the girl's legal parent and have no right to tell her anything. This is a decision that needs to be made by her legal parents and you have no right to take this on yourself. If you do tell her without her parent's permission, it could cause you no end of trouble.

So what you NEED to do is talk to your parents. Discuss the issue with them and work with them on telling her. I would suggest that somewhere between the age of 6-8 is when she should be old enough to understand and told.

The usual advice for what to tell still applies here but with a wrinkle. She should be told that your parents chose to adopt her and that you agreed because you were not able to care for a child at the time. But you agreed because you knew your parents would love her as much as you do, but care for her more than you could then.

Frankly, though, your parents should have been given guardianship, not adoption, but that is another story.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 11, 2010, 08:40 AM

1. I agree, it is not even your choice, it is your parents who adopted her. If they never want to tell her it is their choice.

As a pastor who cousels a lot of adopted children I have see often and in most cases children who are told early that they are adopted have less issues about it latter

Synnen · Apr 11, 2010, 08:51 AM

I'm also a birthmother.

This is the decision of her adoptive parents (your parents) and NOT your decision.

However--children who know from the beginning that they are adopted have a MUCH easier time adjusting to it. The longer it's a secret, the more distrust the adoptee will feel about towards ALL of you about it.

She is old enough now to understand that she was adopted--adoption can be explained very easily to young children as being "chosen" rather than just being an accident of birth. It can also be explained that her birthmother loved her very much, but couldn't be a very good mommy at the time.

THEN---react to HER questions.

You should frankly give your parents some books about this--it can be very disruptive to find out when you are "older and can understand it better"--because then all of the identity you have built goes out the door, and you flounder with knowing who you are.

dontknownuthin · Apr 12, 2010, 11:20 PM

I an an adoptive parent and believe children should be raised always knowing they are adopted and learn their story over time, as is appropriate for their age. The worst thing is if the big secret is kept and then somebody spills the beans at the wrong time and in the wrong way.

I agree that this information should be shared by your parents rather than by you, and in very simple terms like, "did you know that you are so special that God gave you two mommies? He decided you should grow in Jennie's tummy but since Jenny wasn't old enough to be a mommy all the time yet, he let me be your mommy, too. " Or they can talk to her about how a baby is growing in your tummy now, and then talk about how a long time ago, she grew in your tummy, too.

Children's books about adoption and different kinds of families can be helpful. And talking to a child psychologist for advice could be helpful.

Adispatcher · May 19, 2010, 12:48 AM

Okay. So, first of all.. 4 years old (I don't care what anyone says), is old enough for her to find out she was adopted by my parents.. my mom & I have already discussed this & have decided to wait until she's older, say 5 or 6, maybe right before kindergarten. Secondly, I've recently spoke to my mother & considering we are a very close knit family & always tend to talk things out as a family, we have decided to tell my daughter the truth TOGETHER. Neither my mom or I believe that I should have no help or say in the discussion w my daughter in telling her the truth. It was a decision my parents & I made together, I am still in her life, she will hear from both of us, together, as a family. It is a very sticky situation but she gets sooo much unconditional love, I don't believe there is any way this child will resent any of us for the adoption & how it had conquered. She will be told lovingly & gently, and my husband & my son whom we are expecting in a few months will always know when he is old enough as well, that he has a half sister. No secrets will be kept & again, the thought of my daughter being told by my parents alone w me not having a say is never, will never be an option per my parents & I both, but I appreciate the advice. Thank you. =)

Adispatcher · May 19, 2010, 12:50 AM

Correction... **So, first of all.. 4 years old (I don't care what anyone says), is NOT old enough for her to find out she was adopted by my parents

ScottGem · May 19, 2010, 03:51 AM

First, if you "you don't care what anyone says" then why bother posting? However, I don't disagree that 4 is a bit young to understand, a lot depends on the child themselves. But I would recommend telling her BEFORE she starts school. Kids can be cruel sometimes and you don't want her finding out from a classmate.

I also agree that it's a good idea for you and your mom to tell her together. AS LONG AS YOUR MOM AGREES! As several of us have pointed out this is not your decision to make. That doesn't mean you can't have input into the decision. As I said originally this should be discussed with her legal parents. If you are close as you say then it shouldn't be a problem. But the ultimate decision rests with her legal parents.

hheath541 · May 19, 2010, 04:12 AM

The younger she is, the easier it'll be on her. It'll become just another fact of her life, like where she lives and her favorite ice cream, rather then a big revelation.

Using the child your pregnant with now as an example, would probably make it easiest for her to understand. 'remember when baby was in (insert name)'s belly? well, that's where you came from.' if you don't make it seem like a huge secret and make it clear that it doesn't mean anything has changed, then she'll handle it better. Young kids react to how a message is relayed more than what the message is, a lot of the time.

Before she starts school would be a good idea. If your parents still live in the same town you grew up in, then it's a safe bet that at least one of her classmates has a parent that went to school with you. I'm sure everyone would rather she not find out from a vindictive parent or a child repeating something they overheard. Don't be too surprised if she goes around telling everyone that she has two mommies, though.

Synnen · May 19, 2010, 05:36 AM

Actually, 4 is plenty old enough. Most adoptive children now are told from birth, as part of their birth story.

Again--the reason we say that your parents should decide is that THEY are the legal parents of your daughter. You did not mention the close-knit part earlier in your question, nor did you mention that it would be an option to tell her together.

But I agree with what others have posted: absolutely tell her before she goes to school. She WILL find out at school, because SOMEONE will tell her, and they will make adoption seem like it's a BAD thing---and she'll have nothing to defend herself with. Kids are MEAN in school. If you don't remember HOW mean, then you were one of the kids that were the pickERS and not one of the pickEES.

Regardless--the bigger deal you and your parents make of this, the bigger deal your daughter will make of it. Better to have it just be out in the open and casual than make it a huge part of her identity.