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flower81 · Nov 30, 2006, 02:13 AM

About 6 months ago my fiancée, told me he fancied a friend of ours - I took it very much to heart, he promised nothing nothing every happened he said he told me because he wanted to be totally honest with me. So I've accepted that and moved on and I also learnt to respect his honesty.

Anyway.. 2 nights ago I had a dream that my fiancée cheated on me with this girl :(
Silly I know but you know how dreams are, and it really got to me... I know its just a dream but I couldn't help how I felt.

So I told him about it... and I asked him if he ever cheated on me and he said NO, then I asked him if he still fancied her and to my ashonishment he said " im not answering that " :eek: :eek: then I said " so ill take that as a yes " and he said " take it how u like " :eek: :eek: I then said " tell me " he said " DROP IT "...

I dropped it.

Later that night in bed, I apologised to him.
He grabbed my hand and held it tight. This mornin he cuddled me, got up for work and left just saying BYE.

Anyway I guess its OK now :confused:
But my question is... What do his answers mean? His answer such as
IM NOT ANSWERING THAT...
AND
TAKE IT AS U LIKE

Help me

moyra · Nov 30, 2006, 02:43 AM

He told you to drop it, the only thing I would be dropping is him. There is no proof that your fiancée has cheated on you and its great to have honesty in your relationship but come on he is just getting rid of his guilt. As for apologizing WHY? His answers mean that he still fancies your friend, because if he didn't he would have said so.

When I was truly in love with a man I never looked at anyone else, let alone fancy someone else I just wasn't interested. I'm sorry but this guy doesn't seem to be the one for you.

flower81 · Nov 30, 2006, 03:15 AM

Drop him?? :(

But I love him!

What do you mean getting rid of his guilt?

I apologised because I thought, yes he must still fancy her for the answer he gave me. But he said I'm not answering that because he doesn't want to lie to me, because he knew how upset I got when he first told me, so I guess he doesn't want to upset me again!

moyra · Nov 30, 2006, 03:28 AM

I'm sorry maybe I was a bit harsh with my answer but I would be questioning my relationship if I was fancying other men.

How long have you been with this guy? Who is this friend? How often do you both see her? Does she know that your fiancée fancies her? Why did your fiancée tell you in the first place that he fancied this friend, didn't he know that would hurt you. How come six months later he still fancies this friend?

flower81 · Nov 30, 2006, 03:49 AM

Been with my fiancées 5 almost 6 years.
This friend was a friend I made through a mutual friend of ours. Don't see her anymore after the first time he told me he fancied her. He told me he fancied her because I asked him because I suspected it... from looks and actions.. he first said no but a week after he admitted so because he wanted to be honest wiv me
No she don't know any of this.

Well don't know why or if he still fancies her after 6 months!!

moyra · Nov 30, 2006, 04:06 AM

You seem very angry, why do you think this woman is causing such a problem when both of you do not see her anymore, is there some other underlying problems?

flower81 · Nov 30, 2006, 04:15 AM

More upset than angry!
No other problems.

I just took it very much to heart to learn that he fancies someone else including me.
He should just fancy me.

If he said he finds her attractive, is different to saying he fancies her, right?

ballybee · Nov 30, 2006, 04:27 AM

I guess there is no straight forward answer to this one... He told you with all honesty that he fancied someone and never did anything with her 6 months ago... and now he is not ready to share with you whether he still feel the same 6 months later..

There can be a number of reasons he doesn't tell you whether he still feels something for her... in any case I would advise you not to push with asking him whether he fancies her or not. It will only push him to lock himself up in a dead silence or if he fancies her.. yet not ready to commit into a new relationship, you may hasten a possible break-up process.

My guess is if he may still fancy her... however he is not yet at this stage where he is fully convinced that she is worth endangering his relationship with you by placing an end to it. And as you put it so rightly, he most probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings..

Did he have any behavior change after having told you he fancied her? Has he been distant? Etc that could shed some light on your questions..

Couples break up every day. Having spent 5 to 6 years with someone is not a small thing and usually both partners attach value to all this time spent together as an achievement. However at times, long relationships with no "next step" at the horizon can put some strain and push one of the partners to look around at some point...

You can definitely have feelings for someone else while in a relationship, the thing is not to drift into fancing that person and forgetting the good you have... and in that particular case cease contact at the earlierst with that person.

I would suggest to get a bit space for a while. You always want what you do not have.. this cannot be over stated.

moyra · Nov 30, 2006, 05:06 AM

Of course he should just fancy you, no wonder your upset, how would he feel if you fancied someone else!

There is a difference between finding someone attractive and fancying them, it just meant that he thought she was pretty and you have to admit there is a lot of good looking men in the world also! We have no problem with that its when feelings become involved there is a problem, like fancying someone.

I have to agree a lot with what ballybee said like the "next step", maybe you both should be thinking about that.

When all is said and done flower who is he with? YOU! All the best.

flower81 · Nov 30, 2006, 05:23 AM

Such as what would be a next step?

6 months ago I had asked him if he had feelings for her and he said NO - fancying someone doesn't mean I have feelings for them, I doesn't either mean I want to jump into bed with her, I just fancy her!! He confused me big time.

I definitley ceased all contact with her, haven't seen her since I found out!

rol · Nov 30, 2006, 05:30 AM

<<So I told him about it... and I asked him if he ever cheated on me and he said NO, then I asked him if he still fancied her and to my ashonishment he said " im not answering that " then I said " so ill take that as a yes " and he said " take it how u like " I then said " tell me " he said " DROP IT "...
>>

I suspect he's completely p****** off that you are still bringing up something that happened 6 months ago and probably thinks you do not trust him .

<<6 months ago I had asked him if he had feelings and he said NO - fancying someone doesn't mean I have feelings for them, I doesn't either mean I want to jump into bed with her, I just fancy her!! He confused me big time>>

Well strange he would use the word fancing, maybe he just meant that she's attractive.

What age is the guy? When did ye get engaged?

flower81 · Nov 30, 2006, 05:33 AM

Originally Posted by ballybee

I would suggest to get a bit space for a while. You always want what you do not have.. this cannot be over stated.

How do u suggest I do so?
I live with my fiancée!

rol · Nov 30, 2006, 05:37 AM

I agree he should not have made that remark about fancying her BUT I would suggest not to think too much of it, its been 6 months since the comment?! forget about it.. How has he been during the last 6 months?

When you see him tonight don't be all b****y about it, instead be humourous. He will not like it if you start being all insecure and jealous.

flower81 · Nov 30, 2006, 05:40 AM

Rol he was fine - nothing suspicious, nothing for me to worry about.
Even I forgot about it until my dream a few days ago :( brought back my insecurties about it.

Actually no I never forgot about it, I just put it the back of my head

flower81 · Nov 30, 2006, 05:43 AM

Deep down he must still fancy her or think she is attractive or whatever! Coz wouldn't he just said NO when I asked him again! Don't know what the hell he sees in her anyway.
Wouldn't you all think that?

rol · Nov 30, 2006, 05:43 AM

Well forget all about it then and just act normal with him.

rol · Nov 30, 2006, 05:47 AM

<<Deep down he must still fancy her or think she is attractive or whatever! Coz wouldn't he just said NO when I asked him again! Don't know what the hell he sees in her anyway.
Wouldn't you all think that?>>

No he wouldn't say no, because he's peeved off you are bringing it up again.
Anyhow so what if she is attractive, I bet you are also. Next time you can point out the attractive girls to him, that's the best way to get him to tell you how you are the best ;-) and show that you are not insecure!

flower81 · Nov 30, 2006, 05:51 AM

Well I actually said it wrong, when I asked him if he fancied her he said ' I'm not answering that' and I said 'well ill take that as a yes' and he said 'take it how you like'

That proves he still DOES :(

Because otherwise he would have plain and simply said NO I don't fancy her no more, no?

moyra · Nov 30, 2006, 05:52 AM

I know you don't see this friend but does he?

flower81 · Nov 30, 2006, 05:53 AM

No, not as far as I know... NO NO he doesn't.