[red01]

Hi everyone. I am so sickened and disgusted right now and could really use some advice. I have been married to my husband for almost ten years and we have 2 children together. Our marriage is not without problems, but all in all I'd say we have a good marriage and we love each other. A few days ago (after I began questioning him about it), he confessed that the night of his bachelor party he cheated on me with a stripper he and his friends hired. I always thought he was hiding something from me about that night, so I've asked him to tell me many times since then, and he finally admitted to it. He told me that she performed oral sex on him while his friends were all there, in the same room. His friends even gave her extra money to do it.

I know it was 10 years ago, but I feel like it just happened yesterday. I feel betrayed, heartbroken, humiliated, and just devastated. I thought he was hiding something about that night, but I never thought it was something this big. I can't get over the fact that we were soon to be married and he did this. He is completely remorseful and cried with me about how ashamed and embarrassed he is about the whole thing and that all he ever wanted to do was put it out of his mind and never think about it again. He asked me to forgive him and said he has never cheated on me since we've been married, and I believe him. I believe he's a good man that made a terrible decision.

I really want to move forward in our marriage and forgive him, but the pain I feel is so gut-wrenching that I can't eat or stop crying or think about anything else. What would you do in my situation? How can I get past this and stop hurting so badly?

[LearningAsIGo]

He asked me to forgive him and said he has never cheated on me since we've been married, and I believe him. I believe he's a good man that made a terrible decision.

This tells me that after some time has passed you'll move on together, possibly stronger than ever before.

The key here is to take time to grieve. You're feeling embarrassed, angry and deceived but it was several years ago and many good years have passed since then. Give yourself time to feel all of those emotions and work with him to find forgiveness.

Its no wonder you feel so horribly right now, but in time it will get better. Don't be afraid to speak with a counselor or clergy person to help you get over this hurdle in your relationship.

Good luck

[red01]

This tells me that after some time has passed you'll move on together, possibly stronger than ever before.

The key here is to take time to grieve. You're feeling embarrased, angry and decieved but it was several years ago and many good years have passed since then. Give yourself time to feel all of those emotions and work with him to find forgiveness.

Its no wonder you feel so horribly right now, but in time it will get better. Don't be afraid to speak with a counselor or clergy person to help you get over this hurdle in your relationship.

Good luck

Thank you for your kind words. I know you're right, and I do want to get past this. I just feel so incredibly sad right now that it's hard for me to imagine ever feeling normal again. I've avoided people and doing the things I normally do because I feel too devistated to 'put on a happy face'. Part of me wishes I never pressed the issue and just never found out the truth. I guess it's true when they say be careful what you wish for...

[Fr_Chuck]

I have to wonder why you were pushing him and questioning him on this. Was there a reason you were questioning him about it.

The fact he told you, shows trust and communication, something men are not normally good at doing. Your reaction now, will help decide how he will procedein telling you things in the future also.

I would suggest counseling to work on the issues this has caused

[red01]

I have to wonder why you were pushing him and questioning him on this. Was there a reason you were questioning him about it.

The fact he told you, shows trust and communication, something men are not normally good at doing. Your reaction now, will help decide how he will procedein telling you things in the future also.

I would suggest couseling to work on the issues this has caused

I was questioning him about it because he wasn't completely honest with me about something that happened last weekend. It wasn't that big of a deal, but it brought back feelings I had about him not being honest with me about his bachelor party. There was just something I thought he was hiding and I guess I never could get past.

[hheath541]

I know it was 10 years ago, but I feel like it just happened yesterday. I feel betrayed, heartbroken, humiliated, and just devastated.

As far as you're concerned it DID just happen. He's had 10 years to put it behind him and learn to live with the mistake. You've only had a few days.

Give yourself time. Mourn however you feel you need to. Explain to him that, for you, this is a new betrayal and you have to treat it as such. Let him know that you need to cry, and probably yell and scream at him later.

Make it clear that you're going to do everything you can to forgive him, you just have to move past the pain, first. In order to move on, you have to yell and scream and cry all the feelings out. Once that's done, you'll be able to move on.

[Larken85]

I agree with hheath. You must let out all your feelings in order to get it out of your system. If he sees how hurt you are he will surely never do this to you again. And if he is anything like I was when I messed up, he will sit there and take the punishment knowing that he doesn't want to lose you. He will try begging and pleading for you to stay. And he knows full well that it is a punishment that he deserves for this.
My fiancé jumped out of her SUV and came at me with such force that I was about curled up into a ball thinking that she was going to start punching me (which she has never done but I had been beaten in the past and thus had that reaction). I was scared and I was shaking with tears flowing down my cheeks and a tremble in my voice that almost made me silent. I have never seen her like that and she even threatened to run me over when I tried to stop her from driving away. I chased her down the drive way and she sped to a speed that I couldn't possibly keep up with. It was so hard, I thought I had lost her that night forever. And the worst part is I had already cried so much that crying in front of her was almost too hard and she didn't think I felt bad for hurting her like that. (later I told her she should have hit me as hard as she could but of course she is too good of a person to do that.) I cried and begged for three days before she decided to give me another chance. It took her months to get over and honestly all I did was kiss my ex. (it would have went further if I was more comfortable with the situation but I know from the fear and the fact that I was never going to be able to perform because of that fear that this was wrong and I sent her away. Oh and I touched her in the wrong places.) I told My fiancé everythng and even though I had broken up with her hours before falling into my ex.'s arms because I took her back the next day and kept it from her it was cheating. (I'm sure you're confused now) I love her dearly, I had my reasons for wanting to leave, but once I had I realized how big of a mistake it had been.
Here are my points, A. I knew I had done wrong and thank god every second of every day that she forgave me, and B. He really is sorry and it will take time but you can get through this together.
My Fiancé and I are together and almost happier than ever only 4-5 months later. It is worth the struggle. I suggest forgiving him and trying to move passed it but also do not down play your feelings. Make your feelings known and express all of them. You need to vent and to do it in a healthy way.
Last point, revenge solves nothing and will not make you feel better. You know this already though.

[Gemini54]

I'm going to take a slightly different view here... and I apologize if I sound sarcastic or rude - - - that is not my intention. But, I am going to be blunt.

I understand that you're upset, but you've been married to this man for 10 (TEN) years and you say that he's a good man and that you love him.

For some reason, you've been brooding about this for 10 (TEN) years, and you finally bullied and nagged it out of him.

Now you're terribly upset. Yea, I get that. You've got confirmation about a terrible thing that happened, and now after 10 (TEN) years, your worst fears have been confirmed...

Shock and horror! He allowed a stripper to give him a head job at his buck's party... 10 (TEN) years ago.

Oh for heaves' sake! (I promise I'm not trying to be rude).. where is your sense of humor? Please, please get a reality check.

(My partner did something similar a number of years ago and I just laughed and told him he was a fool.)

Guys do these sorts of things on their bucks' nights and it means nothing! This is what sometimes happens when boys get together and this is what sometimes happens at bucks' parties. She was a stripper and I bet he was drunk!

In the scheme of things this IS NOT something BIG.

Stand back a minute and look at your reaction - it's over the top. What is REALLY going on here? What is it that you're really upset about?

If you can't move forward and let this go, it says much more about you and your attitude towards your marriage that it does about some supposed misdemeanor committed by your husband 10 (TEN) years ago.

[red01]

I'm going to take a slightly different view here... and I apologize if I sound sarcastic or rude - - - that is not my intention. But, I am going to be blunt.

Gemini54--thank you for your reply. I don't feel like you were rude at all. It's not that I don't want to move forward and let this go. I think the main reason I feel so hurt and betrayed over this is because I feel like what he did, in front of all those people, was like him shouting to everyone "I don't care I'm getting married and I don't care about my wife to be". It just makes me feel very disrespected and hurt. Does that make any sense?

Also, thank you to larken85 and hheath for your replies. They give me hope that with time I'll be able to get past this.

[Jake2008]

I don't think that anybody who is in a committed relationship, or who is a fiancé about to get married, should allow anybody to give him a blow job. What difference does it make if iti's at a batchelor party, or some cheap hotel.

The point is, he allowed it to happen, and while he didn't break marriage vows, because the marriage hadn't yet taken place, there was a firm commitment being engaged, and this never should have happened.

Our OP has always thought something happened, and she was right. He could have told her sometime during the 10 years they had been together. Why should she be faulted for being right about her suspicions, even if it took him 10 years to come clean.

I would feel exactly the same way, and would be po'd to extreme levels. I don't accept betrayal by friends, and I certainly don't accept betrayal by my husband.

But, it was 10 years ago, and he's been a faithful husband since that night. My guess is he feels better about getting it out, because at some point in his life, somebody that was there will spill the beans, and he would likely be worried about that from time to time.

Think about it in practical terms, and apply appropriate responses. Mad? Hell yes. Betrayed, lied to, cheated on- of course. But, the punishment has to fit the crime.

It was a long time ago, and in my opinion, after you give him a good smack with a frying pan (preferably cast iron), and make him suffer for a few days with his conscience, then agree to let it go.

Try not to revisit the issue, or think that he did it once, he'll do it again. Put it to rest. Maybe write out how you feel about this, put the anger to pen and paper, and give it to him. When he's read it, burn it. It's done, and then it is over with.

Put it behind you, and in time you will be happy you did. Neither of you deserves the stress of carrying on with ancient history once it has been dealt with.

[Cat1864]

Gemini54--thank you for your reply. I don't feel like you were rude at all. It's not that I don't want to move forward and let this go. I think the main reason I feel so hurt and betrayed over this is because I feel like what he did, in front of all those people, was like him shouting to everyone "I don't care I'm getting married and I don't care about my wife to be". It just makes me feel very disrespected and hurt. Does that make any sense?

Also, thank you to larken85 and hheath for your replies. They give me hope that with time I'll be able to get past this.

It makes sense to a point. That point is where you think about the past ten years and how he has behaved during them. In those ten years, has he given you any reason to feel disrespected? Has he done everything in his power to show and tell you how lucky he is to be married to you and how much he loves and cares about you?

Are you willing to disregard the ten years because of ten minutes?

[talaniman]

You have every right to cry and vent all those feelings out of you, and I think your husband understands and feels better that there are no more secrets between you. It will take time, but I think your marriage will not only survive, but be stronger, just because you were hurt, and he is remorseful, and your both willing to keep working together.

That's a very hopeful sign.

[Gemini54]

Gemini54--thank you for your reply. I don't feel like you were rude at all. It's not that I don't want to move forward and let this go. I think the main reason I feel so hurt and betrayed over this is because I feel like what he did, in front of all those people, was like him shouting to everyone "I don't care I'm getting married and I don't care about my wife to be". It just makes me feel very disrespected and hurt. Does that make any sense?

Also, thank you to larken85 and hheath for your replies. They give me hope that with time I'll be able to get past this.

I do agree with you that in normal circumstances it's disrespectful.

But, stuff happens, and people do stupid things - particularly on their bucks' nights and particularly when they're drunk.

I'm NOT condoning it, I'm just saying it happens - and in the end we are all human and we are all fallible.

Can you imagine being with a bunch of guys, with a stripper and having them all egg her on to give you, the groom to be, a blow job?

I suggest that in those circumstances, it would be pretty damn difficult to say no.

Yea, of course in normal circumstances, if someone offered you a blow job, you would proably refuse.

However, remember that a bucks night is quite often a highly charged situation, lots of testosterone and lots of alcohol where the 'mob' mentality often rules.

Don't be too hard on him or yourself. It's not worth damaging 10 years of happy marriage for a stupid indiscretion.

[red01]

Thank you everyone for your input and advice. It helped so much to get impartial points of views. My husband and I have talked a lot about this and decided to work to get past this and move forward in our marriage with out any more secrets or lies. Thank you again, I really appreciate your help.

[DaisyGal]

I agree with Jake2008. A commitment IS when two people decide they are exclusive to EACH OTHER. Where in that does anyone think that it's a commitment that should temporarily be broken because there is a stripper at a bacheleor going down on guys? I am so sick of hearing how "it's a right of passage," and "blow jobs are not an intimate act," and my personal favorite, "it meant nothing!" Translation: It meant enough to the guy to think it would be a good idea to risk everything to get the blow job and it DEFINITELY WITHOUT A DOUBT means something to his girl!! Does anyone get this? They are just justifying bad behavior! What if your girl were out at a bachelorette party and the male stripper went down on her? Is THAT okay because it's her right of passage? Is that NOT considered an intimate act? ***? I'm sorry, but the "right of passage" ended when you and your partner decided to be exclusive. Look up the word.