[rxnarunner]

Well, I don't have tons of people to talk to about this. Or maybe I just choose not to. I was in a over 3 yr relationship. We were planning on moving back in with each other. The first time we did, it wasn't the right time, I had some issues and things weren't right. Now they are. I'm settled. I was cleaning out his closet and getting his magazines organized (with his permission of course, I'm not a snooper) when a piece of paper fell out. On the paper were 14 phone numbers of old girls he used to talk to. It was from a year ago. I was devastated. I thought WHY? Why does he need their numbers? I think I over reacted. He's never cheated on me. I don't know. I should have been more secure in our relationship, but I have deep-seeded issues from before, beginning with my dad. I don't trust anyone. It's a horrible feeling.

I broke up with him. I don't think he wanted to break up. But I said its over. He says that's OK, I didn't want to be with you anyway... I won't be happy with you. I'm like huh? I asked him over and over if he was OK with us moving back in. see, he's fixing up his house and I have 4 kids who would be staying with us every other week. He kept saying, yes... everything is going to be great. I guess maybe I was the one having 2nd thoughts so I kept asking him hoping he would back out, but he didn't.

I broke up with him and now I have some regrets. Don't we all. I text him and ask him if it can be worked out. He says he can't be with me because he knows he won't be happy with me. We end up talking on the phone. I ask him, why didn't you tell me you weren't happy, and why aren't you. He says... because I don't think you are. He says you've been moody and miserable and it makes him walk on eggshells and he doesn't want to live that way.

Maybe he's right, there are a lot of other issues with him and I. my situation isn't cut and dry. I'm going through a major divorce after battling for over 4 years. I have 4 kids and work full time. I get stressed and I'm tired. My family doesn't agree with the divorce so my support system is very limited. Yes... I get moody. Life isn't so cut and dry. And I'm insecure. I don't trust people. I guess I project that on him.

We still love each other and now are planning on seeing each other next week to talk. We haven't spent any quality time together because he has been working AND gutted his bathroom to make it bigger so he has been totally preoccupied with that. Keep in mind the break up just happened on wed night. We were supposed to go out and pick bathroom furniture out together. He said last night he needs to think. We still text and talk and say I love you.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if we just haven't gotten a normal start or if I just can't make him happy. Everything seemed good up until I found the numbers. He says he was having 2nd thoughts but didn't want to hurt me cause he loves me. I'm not sure if that's just him being stubborn because I broke up with him. We have talked and text about this for weeks. He has been given every opportunity out and he never took it.

So we may start dating again. But I fee like that is back pedaling. Should I just call it quits or what? I'm very confused.

[neverme]

I think that you need to deal with your own issues before you get back into a long term relationship. Get into counseling, both for your feelings with the divorce and your trust issues. No one can love you enough for yourself. It is 'the greatest love of all' :rolleyes:

I think that 'dating' again for you two is the best idea, and here's why: I think that it will allow you both to remember why you fell for each other in the first place. Also, it will ease some of the pressure you both must be feeling with the big changes that are going on in your lives. Finally, it will allow you both the freedom to get reacquainted with yourselves.

This is a hard time so instead of thinking of this as being alone, as would be so easy to do and an obvious conclusion to come to. See it as you would should you just have met him, a nice but not essential addition to your life. The way any healthy and symbiotic relationship should be.

[rxnarunner]

neverme~

Thanks for your repsonse. I do need to go into counseling. It's a horrible feeling, how I feel right now. I haven't eaten and I'm totally analyzing. I just keep reading all the stickys on here. I do appreciate your insight and advice and just taking the time. Anything that will help me get past the few weeks ahead.

[talaniman]

I would be leery of you also, as was breaking up a substitute for talking?

Given that he had to move out from living together before, and now that you have reconciled, and now broken up, he has very good reasons to be cautious, about your rather impulsive actions, and with your issues, and divorce, I think some time not living with anyone is the best idea for now.

I think you have rushed things to fast to really have had a proper mourning for the death of your father, and your dead marriage to really be thinking of living with some one. Especially between work, and kids. You need some YOU time. I think you focus on your issues more, and get YOURSELF under much better control, before you live with anyone, back pedaling or not.

Slowdown, or you will bust your head on a brick wall. Obviously, if you expect a healthy relationship, you must first be healthy yourself.

Build some communications between you first, as you learn to working together, and not just jump to conclusions that lead to impulsive actions, and words you regret later. Think before you speak, or act.

[rxnarunner]

That's problem, I don't think before I act or speak. I can't help it. And I never feel worthy enough. I never feel secure in anything. Nothing.

Now I'm crying and I'm sad. I feel a mess, not so much for the break up but for being 34 and not being in a normal healther relationship. I just want to be normal. I basically always self-sabotage my life.

I'm sorry I just need to get this out and talk.

[chuff]

thats problem, i dont think before i act or speak. i can't help it. and i never feel worthy enough. i never feel secure in anything. nothing.

now im crying and im sad. i feel a mess, not so much for the break up but for being 34 and not being in a normal healther relationship. i just want to be normal. i basically always self-sabotage my life.

im sorry i just need to get this out and talk.

You can change this. Self sabotage and negative thinking patterns are just bad habits. Tony Robbins has program called personal power and he discusses self sabotage. In that he teaches you why you do it in the first place on a sub-concious level and then what you can do to reprogram your brain.

I think getting it out is the best thing you can do. Sometimes we hold all this garbage inside not wanting to appear weak or bother anybody else but the reality is when you open it up, you can find out that other people have been in the same situation.

[rxnarunner]

You can change this. Self sabotage and negative thinking patterns are just bad habits. Tony Robbins has program called personal power and he discusses self sabotage. In that he teaches you why you do it in the first place on a sub-concious level and then what you can do to reprogram your brain.

I think getting it out is the best thing you can do. Sometimes we hold all this garbage inside not wanting to appear weak or bother anybody else but the reality is when you open it up, you can find out that other people have been in the same situation.

I have to do something. Its getting worse with age. I have children who see this behavior and I don't like it. Is this a book I can get? I enjoy reading. I just have to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get myself moving on bettering myself.

I get upset too thinking of him not wanting me. Isn't it weird, I broke up with him and then he decides enough is enough and then I'm upset. What is that

[talaniman]

It's a behavior that needs changing, and as Chuff pointed out its doable if you apply yourself. They say a human can change their actions, by changing their negative thoughts, and repeating the good thoughts until they become second nature.

Another useful technique, is every morning, smile, and tell the person you see in the mirror, "I love you".

There are many such coping skills to learn, just Google, and read up on the wealth of material that's available.

By the way, your in a great place to vent and learn.

[chuff]

i have to do something. its getting worse with age. i have children who see this behavior and i dont like it. is this a book i can get? i enjoy reading. i just have to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get myself moving on bettering myself.

i get upset too thinking of him not wanting me. isnt it weird, i broke up with him and then he decides enough is enough and then im upset. what is that

It's actually a series of emotions that have been built on top on one another for years. We learn things sometimes, unconsiously even sometimes that guide our lives. Personal Power is actually not a book but an audio program with a workbook that you have to activily use. Anthony Robbins Companies - Product Details is the official site where you can get it. You may try Craigslist for a used program. Any bookstore would have books from Tony Robbins that you can you read, although I'm not sure what the actual books would cover.

[rxnarunner]

Its a behavior that needs changing, and as Chuff pointed out its doable if you apply yourself. They say a human can change their actions, by changing their negative thoughts, and repeating the good thoughts until they become second nature.

Another useful technique, is every morning, smile, and tell the person you see in the mirror, "I love you".

There are many such coping skills to learn, just google, and read up on the wealth of material thats available.

By the way, your in a great place to vent and learn.

Yes I know I am. I have been going all the stickys on NC and how to cope. I am googling self-sabotage and self esteem. I'm scared to be alone. I'm hate rejection, that's why I acted this way the whole time... and in the long run I've been rejected anyway. And I have no patience. I want everything yesterday. He says give him a few days and I'm like ansy. I want it all today. I'm venting. I'm going to do something about this. I have to . I'm just glad I can get on here and get some advice

[chuff]

im scared to be alone. im hate rejection,

But everybody is like that. Nobody wants to be completely alone, even loners. And while rejection certainly sucks, sometimes we give way too much value to the one rejecting us.

[neverme]

Yup take back the power and love yourself. Rejection, which is unavoidable for all, then becomes easier to deal with.

[I wish]

The early stages of NC is never easy. But once you've passed the toughest point, it will only get easier from there. What makes it even tougher is when you have setbacks by breaking the rules and resetting all the progress you've made. Be patient with yourself. It will get easier, but you you need time.

Try to focus on surrounding yourself with positive things. When you have more positive things in your own life, you won't have that fear of being alone because you would be happy with yourself.

Rejection always sucks, but don't treat it as a bad experience. Treat it as a learning experience. You want to continue to learn from the past to have a better future. Treat rejection like a bump on the road. Once you get passed it, you keep moving forward. If you dwell on rejection too much, you're just going to be stuck on the bump, but then you'd be missing out on what's ahead of you.

[rxnarunner]

The early stages of NC is never easy. But once you've passed the toughest point, it will only get easier from there. What makes it even tougher is when you have setbacks by breaking the rules and resetting all the progress you've made. Be patient with yourself. It will get easier, but you you need time.

Try to focus on surrounding yourself with positive things. When you have more positive things in your own life, you won't have that fear of being alone because you would be happy with yourself.

Rejection always sucks, but don't treat it as a bad experience. Treat it as a learning experience. You want to continue to learn from the past to have a better future. Treat rejection like a bump on the road. Once you get passed it, you keep moving forward. If you dwell on rejection too much, you're just gonna be stuck on the bump, but then you'd be missing out on what's ahead of you.

NC is very difficult. Its like breaking a habit. I just keep reading the stickys and keep going. He actually text me a simple "goodnight" last night, which just killed me. Why text? Its like it was a reminder that we weren't together, usually the goodnight texts were the sweetest.

I also think being in limbo doesn't help. We are supposed to see each other next week to spend some time together. I'm going through some mixed feelings. One minute I'm upset with myself for not trusting him and for being moody. The other minute I'm like... why can't he understand the stress I'm under. Then I think is he just doing this because I broke up with him and he's teaching me a lesson, which makes me mad too!

I don't know, I'm just reading and reading. Every time I want to call or text I just read something about NC. I hate falling asleep, I don't know if anyone else has felt this way. Because when I wake up I have that sick feeling.

Everyone's support and advise has been great and I appreciate it and am really tryinng to work the NC.