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Lovelee · Aug 17, 2009, 01:53 PM

I know for a fact that my man looks at other women no matter how hard he tries to hide it. I myself would take a peek at good-looking man. As humans we are just attracted to beautiful things, its in our make-up. If he had eyes for you then he definitely will have eyes for other women. Admiring a pretty thing from a distance is one thing. Having sexual, lusty thoughts are another.

Romefalls19 · Aug 17, 2009, 02:12 PM

Look all you want, when you fixate on them and start touching them, then the problem starts.

j_ely823 · Aug 17, 2009, 02:53 PM

HAHa.. wow guys. I appreciate all you wonderful insight.. even some that didn't pertain to the question. However, the woman who said that we do oogle beautiful things like shoes and clothes opened my eyes the most. You are right. But what is it in the harmless looking that leads them to wanting to touch/ or fixate on them. And for those of you who said it's the action or behavior that is subject to criticism and not the thought itself... are you then saying you are okay about your spouses thinking about sleeping with someone else.. or thinking about leaving you.. thinking about having sex with someone else while you two are..? When does the thought become "bad" enough or inappropriate enough to really be addressed.

N0help4u · Aug 17, 2009, 02:58 PM

You are right. But what is it in the harmless looking that leads them to wanting to touch/ or fixate on them.

*Men are visual meaning that unless they have good self control their looking can easily turn into more. The more they dwell on the look the more fixated and the more fixated the more likely they will act on their thoughts

And for those of you who said it's the action or behavior that is subject to criticism and not the thought itself... are you then saying you are okay about your spouses thinking about sleeping with someone else.. or thinking about leaving you.. thinking about having sex with someone else while you two are..?

*No the point they were making is DO NOT cross the line

When does the thought become "bad" enough or inappropriate enough to really be addressed,

*You and your significant other should be secure enough with each other and be able to discuss what the other feels comfortable with and what they do not feel comfortable with.

Romefalls19 · Aug 17, 2009, 03:15 PM

Once you start thinking about leaving your spouse, that's a line being crossed.

When you think about someone else while you two are engaging in sex, then that's a line being crossed.

You two have to address boundary lines together, rather than just one having a boundary line, and the other also having a different boundary line.

talaniman · Aug 18, 2009, 07:48 AM

j_ely, HAHa.. wow guys. I appreciate all you wonderful insight.. even some that didn't pertain to the question. However, the woman who said that we do ogle beautiful things like shoes and clothes opened my eyes the most. You are right. But what is it in the harmless looking that leads them to wanting to touch/ or fixate on them.

They are called cheaters, who act on those thoughts of being with others. That crosses the line.

And for those of you who said it's the action or behavior that is subject to criticism and not the thought itself... are you then saying you are okay about your spouses thinking about sleeping with someone else..or thinking about leaving you..thinking about having sex with someone else while you two are..??

That's called fantasies, and that everyone's right to think about.

When does the thought become "bad" enough or inappropriate enough to really be addressed

The line is crossed when thought become reality, and leads to bad behavior. Like being mad enough to smash some one in the face, and then doing it, because you thought about it. Same thing.

It's a waste of time trying to read someone's mind, and even understand their fantasies, and fancies. You can only judge them by what they do, so it does no good to set boundaries on another imagination.

I deal with what my wife does in reality, and frankly don't worry about who she thinks about in her fantasies, as they are hers, and yes, I have my own. Its all good, because I don't worry that she will run off with a star quarterback, or the mailman.

Without trust, and confidence, your mind will play tricks on you.

jmw0713 · Aug 18, 2009, 10:26 AM

Only if thoughts become reality do they cross the line. If you are so insecure about yourself and your relationship with your GF/BF that you worry about if they are having fantasies about another person and that they are going to act on them and leave you, then maybe you need to step back and evaluate how things are going in your life.

talaniman:

It's a waste of time trying to read someone's mind, and even understand their fantasies, and fancies. You can only judge them by what they do, so it does no good to set boundaries on another imagination.

100% truth right there. That quote extinguishes the "thoughts are bad" argument.

j_ely823 · Sep 11, 2009, 10:23 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile, and just like many other couples, we have our quarrels and what not. We tend to resolve them fairly quickly, and we recognize our faults and what causes a lot of our conflicts. But often, I'll ask him a question regarding something I may or may not be sensitive about; he'll lash out first, make some noise like he's extremely frustrated and then say its my insecurities, I need to control my thoughts, etc. Although some of it may be true, I know for a fact my questions are not provocative. For example, tonight he told me that sometimes when we have sex in the missionary position his "stuff" gets soft. Well, before this he had actually told me it brings about a different reaction. Naturally I was confused and asked him why. He then stated, he didn't know, maybe because he's not being visually stimulated. So then, remembering that he used to look at a lot of porn, I asked him if that's why, not being antagonistic or anything and he was like no. And he was criticizing me thereafter, saying I was being to insecure. Yes, I was a little concerned about what he said especially because it didn't coincide with his previous answer, but I wasn't like angrily interrogating him. The reason why I was concerned it because that's the position we will "make love" and this is a very important part of our sexual intimacy I think, as it is with other serious couples. If he's not aroused by just our making love, then I believe I have cause for concern. WHat do you think I should say or do. Remember that he seems to lash out about most questions he thinks are directly linked to some insecurity about myself... Idk I would like it if he acted more like my boyfriend and not Dr. phil

MsMewiththat · Sep 11, 2009, 10:44 PM

So interesting. Maybe he just doesn't like too many questions and feels that the questions seem to stem from how you feel about yourself. A little over analyzing can be exhausting for both. I think that if you have a health balance in your sexual relationship there isn't too much to cause concern. I also think it normal to be a little extra "stimulated" by the freakier things men and women can share behind closed doors. Not to say that he prefers that, but it may suit his personality or desires. Which doesn't take anything away from you. Maybe spend some time talking rather than asking.

artlady · Sep 11, 2009, 10:46 PM

Making love the same way all the time can get to be a little boring.

Changing positions is a great way to spice things up.

Doing it in a different position does not undermine the aspect of lovemaking.It is still making love.
The intimacy of the act is no different if you are missionary or if you are on top.

You have nothing to worry about if your BF wants to spice things up a little.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship and its takes work to keep it exciting.

The honeymoon does not last forever and sometimes you need to be a little creative.Sex is sometimes just down and dirty ,lets get it on.It can also be just for fun there is nothing wrong with sharing some laughs in the bedroom!

It need not always be romantic slow lovemaking.

You need to have realistic expectations about what you both want and need in the relationship.

If you do have insecurities,ask yourself where they come from.What is it exactly that you fear.

He also needs to understand that he may be overplaying the insecurity card.

Learn how to be effective communicators and you will be able to avoid many petty arguments.

Remember that some things are just not worth getting into a big discussion about.Don't sweat the little stuff and agree to disagree.

j_ely823 · Sep 11, 2009, 11:09 PM

Ok. I would say that I agree, with the needing to spice things up, but we've only made love that way like twice out of many times. I like another position too; and honest to goodness truth, I like it fast because when he goes fast I can feel it deeper. When its slower, its okay I guess. Perhaps we just have to compromise on that particular issue. But I wasn't so much concerned with the sex part as much as the way he was treating my about my asking.

My insecurities come from him saying things, earlier in the relationship, (sometimes he'll slip up every now and again, I think I'm forcing him to grow up too soon), and then he said something that kind of provoked me to cheat on him which I think led him to be able to cheat on me a few months later. Anyway he's well aware of the pain he has cause me and the he has put me through. And I only found out about 4 months ago he cheated, it devastated me from the inside out. So my question is why is he being such a jerk about me asking questions about things that he caused me to be insecure about. And its not like I ask him every day. Some questions I will rule out as unnecessary and I won't ask them. I just don't think every time I ask something and he says "insecurities" he's really considering the question. Its insensitive and annoying. This is the real problem. Whenever he's insecure about something and he brings it to my attention, I comfort him, with loving and kind words, and don't mock him or make him feel like he needs to grow up, handle himself, etc. I know Im not perfect, and I'm working on my healing process, because its more than cheating he's done to hurt me. Im trying and he doesn't acknowledge it or he thinks its an easy process. I want to slap him when he acts like my feelings and words are insignificant.

artlady · Sep 11, 2009, 11:25 PM

Originally Posted by j_ely823

Ok. I would say that I agree, with the needing to spice things up, but we've only made love that way like twice out of many times. I like another position too; and honest to goodness truth, I like it fast because when he goes fast I can feel it deeper. When its slower, its okay I guess. Perhaps we just have to compromise on that particular issue. But i wasnt so much concerned with the sex part as much as the way he was treating my about my asking.

My insecurities come from him saying things, earlier in the relationship, (sometimes he'll slip up every now and again, i think im forcing him to grow up too soon), and then he said something that kinda provoked me to cheat on him which i think led him to be able to cheat on me a few months later. Anyways he's well aware of the pain he has cause me and the he has put me through. And i only found out about 4 months ago he cheated, it devasted me from the inside out. So my question is why is he being such a jerk about me asking questions about things that he caused me to be insecure about. And its not like i ask him every day. Some questions i will rule out as unnecessary and i wont ask them. I just dont think everytime I ask something and he says "insecurities" he's really considering the question. Its insensitive and annoying. This is the real problem. Whenever he's insecure about something and he brings it to my attention, I comfort him, with loving and kind words, and dont mock him or make him feel like he needs to grow up, handle himself, etc. I know Im not perfect, and im working on my healing process, because its more than cheating he's done to hurt me. Im trying and he doesnt acknowledge it or he thinks its an easy process. I want to slap him when he acts like my feelings and words are insignificant.

Clearly,at some point he has seen that you do have insecurities and so he is playing that card to death.Maybe that is all he has as a way to push your buttons when you are putting him on the spot.

His insecurity could be forcing him to turn the issue around.Its a way to avoid the issue at hand and turn it around on you.Its manipulation.

I am not surprised that you both feel insecure in your relationship,that is what happens when people cheat.

He needs to understand and validate your feelings.You have serious communication problems and need to learn communication and how to fight fair.
Set some ground rules for your discussions and stick to them.
How to Fight Fair

britEl · Sep 11, 2009, 11:33 PM

It seems like HE is the one who is insecure. Why would he lash out at you for the simplest questions if he wasn't! I would find it very concerning as well if my boyfriend had told me something like that and I would want to figure out ways to fix it! Him lashing out at you when you asked questions about it is a sign that he is insecure about himself not the other way around. Also possibly try some new moves to make it more erotic for him, for example different positions, not only can they be erotic, but can also be very pleasurable for both sexes! Or make it more "visually erotic" while in missionary. You have to think of how he is feeling as well as how you are, if he is losing interest in sex that is not a good sign, and I would suggest doing something about it even if it isn't your exact definition of "making love".

ohsohappy · Sep 11, 2009, 11:42 PM

My boyfriend overanalyzes stuff too. Sometimes I think HE might be the one that is insecure. Your boyfriend sound similar to mine in some aspects. It's annoying, but I still love him, and he's gotten better.

j_ely823 · Sep 11, 2009, 11:44 PM

Well the thing is, he is so easily upset and thrown off by discussing things he doesn't want to that he will threaten to stop talking to me for the rest of the night or yell at me for minutes, and tell me to literally to stop, because he doesn't want to talk about it at night. For some reason I guess I tend to think more about things at night, and that's when certain thoughts are more prolific and prone to occur. We compromised; we don't discuss things that upset him at night. I basically had no choice but to give in, and now I guess I'm fine with it. But he seems to just expect me to turn off my mind and stop thinking all together. He doesn't like to answer questions I ask him in the first place, which has made it hard for me to understand why he says things, or why he does things etc. When I asked him about this particular instance of him cheating on me, he lied and then about 2 weeks ago, I asked him what brought about the situation in the first place (not feelings). And he was all offended or something, he didn't want to answer and so I thought he was hiding something from me. I can't help but to ask him things until he gives me complete answers, or so I can understand and not be wondering about a whole lot of other things. Uuughhh its so frustrating. This is the typical situation.
" Yeah, I was talking to my ex girlfriend about her classes and life" (this didn't exactly happen)--him
" Hmm. Why were you talking to her, do you miss her?"-me
**blah blah blah insecurity--him
BTW none of us find it respectful NOW to talk to ex-girlfriends

zippit · Sep 11, 2009, 11:50 PM

It may be the timing and the way you word the question,his lashing out like he does is his way of ending the conversation,it doesn't make anyone right or wrong he may feel like
"I know where this is headed" so he gets loud and ends it,try to hold back until you have something well thought out and approach him with a" hey can i ask you something"
Remember timing is everything
I personally don't like to talk about sex AFTER the fact I'm ready for a sandwich,but BEFORE I'm all ears

j_ely823 · Sep 11, 2009, 11:52 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

You have serious communication problems and need to learn communication and how to fight fair.
Set some ground rules for your discussions and stick to them.
How to Fight Fair

What do you mean fight fair, we've implemented all these guidelines to help us do so, and this problem is still so prevalent.

vanheart · Sep 11, 2009, 11:53 PM

Sounds less about the position and more about why and the true feeling.

Between you both. Distracted by other things that are more important when we get lazy.

Are you excited?

People tend to get in a routine and lose touch with what's there in front of them.

What's the problem? How old are you guys?

britEl · Sep 11, 2009, 11:55 PM

Communication is KEY in a relationship! If you two cannot communicate properly or fight over things that are insignificant then that is not a good sign! Try not accusing him of stuff like in your example.. ''why were you talking to her do you miss her?'', you didn't have to say the do you miss her part because what does it matter he is with you and that is an insecure question to ask.

artlady · Sep 12, 2009, 12:03 AM

Originally Posted by j_ely823

What do you mean fight fair, we've implemented all these guidelines to help us do so, and this problem is still so prevalent.

How to fight fair is a link (highlighted in blue)and you both should read it together and stick to the rules that are suggested.It will help you both to validate one anothers feelings and learn effective communication.
I would print it out! Keep it on the fridge!