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howdoiremember · Feb 21, 2010, 09:22 PM

I have blocked memories of my childhood because my cousin molested me and my sisters. I work with this cousin everyday and I cannot keep it a secret much longer. He is a truly evil person and my dad does not understand. My sisters and I discussed this for the first time the other day and decided we all need to come forward if things are going to change and so he does not hurt anyone ever again. How can we unblock the rest of our memories? Is there anyway?

ohsohappy · Feb 21, 2010, 09:27 PM

How do you know you were abused?

I would not recommend going to a therapist that guides you in to your memories. They can say things that can actually create false memories.

Wondergirl · Feb 21, 2010, 09:33 PM

Originally Posted by ohsohappy

How do you know you were abused?

I would not recommend going to a therapist that guides you in to your memories. They can say things that can actually create false memories.

That was a big thing going on maybe 15 years ago. I think it has mostly stopped now, and those therapists have been in prison or are no longer working as therapists.

howdoiremember · Feb 21, 2010, 09:43 PM

I have memories of him taking us on vacation and sneaking into bed with us naked in the middle of the night. He would rub up against us and touch us while telling us its normal and OK. My sisters and I all remember things like this on different occasions but we were scared to talk about it. Finally we came forward to each other and realized our worst fears that we all have the same stories. Now we want to know if there is anything we are still not remembering

ohsohappy · Feb 21, 2010, 09:45 PM

Originally Posted by howdoiremember

I have memories of him taking us on vacation and sneaking into bed with us naked in the middle of the night. he would rub up against us and touch us while telling us its normal and ok. my sisters and i all remember things like this on different ocasions but we were scared to talk about it. Finally we came forward to eachother and realized our worst fears that we all have the same stories. Now we want to know if there is anything we r still not remembering

Let those memories come with time, but you need to talk to them some more, and maybe start speaking to a lawyer.

trudger67 · Feb 22, 2010, 04:17 PM

This is a serious issue and I can't believe someone said don't go to a therapist! That's like saying because one therapist is bad, all are - simply distorted. Of course you need to go into therapy - as do your sisters. Get one that is trained in sexual abuse. Also, after a period seek legal advice for civil proceedings and maybe criminal. The abuser needs to be challenged, and of course he is going to deny it. Make sure that you are aware that exposing him may stop him from abusing his next victim - that could be one of your kids. Go well.

trudger67 · Feb 22, 2010, 04:20 PM

And PS: What you are supposed to remember you will, and what you are not supposed to remember is your mind protecting yourself. Don't entertain what you can't remember, just work with what you can. Therapy will give you the tools to desensitize triggers from the trauma. That's been my experience as a survivor of the same.

Alty · Feb 22, 2010, 04:22 PM

If you want to remember in order to heal then therapy is really the best answer.

If you want to remember in order to prosecute him, that's probably going to be a dead end.

There is a statute of limitations in sexual assault cases. You may want to check into that.

Also, even if you and your sisters remember all of this, you don't have any proof other then your memories.

I too was molested as a child by my cousin. I never had a lapse in memory of the occurrences I just pushed them out of my mind while not really succeeding in doing it.

It's taken a long time to move forward and stop looking in the past. Therapy is definitely important. I would suggest therapy for you alone and for you and your sisters together. At least you have a support system, people that know first hand what you're going through.

I wish you luck.

trudger67 · Feb 22, 2010, 04:26 PM

[QUOTE=Altenweg;2242849]If you want to remember in order to heal then therapy is really the best answer...

AWESOME advice. X

Alty · Feb 22, 2010, 04:26 PM

Originally Posted by trudger67

This is a serious issue and I can't believe someone said don't go to a therapist! That's like saying because one therapist is bad, all are - simply distorted. Of course you need to go into therapy - as do your sisters. Get one that is trained in sexual abuse. Also, after a period of time seek legal advice for civil proceedings and maybe criminal. The abuser needs to be challenged, and of course he is going to deny it. Make sure that you are aware that exposing him may stop him from abusing his next victim - that could be one of your kids. Go well.

Your passion to prosecute is admirable but probably not logical.

Remember that this happened a long time ago. There is not evidence. Judges don't prosecute on he said she said alone. Too many people make false charges, with no evidence it's unlikely that this man will ever go to jail or even get a slap on the wrist.

Not to be negative, but it's also likely that many family members won't believe that this happened. They'll think that the OP and her sisters all hate the cousin, or their memories are false and innocent. That's reality.

If they did manage to get charges filed and get their day in court, they'll be questioned, they'll be grilled, all their past sexual experiences will be brought up. They'll have to recount the incidents and they will be made to look like the perpetrators, not the victims.

Trust me, I've done a lot of research on this. I too wanted to prosecute but after doing that research I realized that it wouldn't happen.

trudger67 · Feb 22, 2010, 04:36 PM

[QUOTE=Altenweg;2242865]Your passion to prosecute is admirable but probably not logical...

I agree. I think I watch too much TV, LOL. In the country I live in, New Zealand, a perp can get sent to jail just based on the victims testimony, and our country has many systems in place to try and help victims. Yet the denial of the families is incredible. I had multiple abusers, and one eventually did end up in clink yet it wasn't my case that got him there. I hear what you are saying, and often the victim is dragged through the mud again.

Now forgiveness... that is a powerful tool in my experience - to look the abuser in the eye and tell them you forgive them seems to take a lot of power away from them. This is really hard to do. I've stopped jumping up and down on his grave (just for today). Cheers. I'm new to this site and love all your feedback, because it teaches me to be open-mined.

Alty · Feb 22, 2010, 04:49 PM

[QUOTE=trudger67;2242885]

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Your passion to prosecute is admirable but probably not logical...

I agree. I think I watch too much TV, LOL. In the country I live in, New Zealand, a perp can get sent to jail just based on the victims testimony, and our country has many systems in place to try and help victims. Yet the denial of the families is incredible. I had multiple abusers, and one eventually did end up in clink yet it wasn't my case that got him there. I hear what you are saying, and often the victim is dragged through the mud again.

Now forgiveness... that is a powerful tool in my experience - to look the abuser in the eye and tell them you forgive them seems to take a lot of power away from them. This is really hard to do. I've stopped jumping up and down on his grave (just for today). Cheers. I'm new to this site and love all your feedback, because it teaches me to be open-mined.

Welcome to the site. :)

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. I'm not there yet. I avoid my cousin at all costs. I don't think I'll ever be able to confront her (yes, her, I am female and I was molested by a female). That's not always the answer though. I'm glad it worked for you, but it doesn't work for everyone. I know it won't work for me.

I have learned to accept the 5 year old child (me) that was molested. For a long time I thought of that time as something separate, not connected to me. I locked that little 5 year old me in a closet, I couldn't let her be a part of me. I think it was even harder because my molester was female and I'm not gay. I felt ashamed. I was even more reluctant to tell anyone because I thought I'd be judged, even though I'm not homophobic, nor am I gay, I still felt that I'd be judged badly. I partly blamed myself. Most victims do.

When my daughter turned 5 it all came crashing down. I looked at her and realized that this sweet innocent child was the same age I was when my cousin started molesting me. It was a wake up call.

It took a long time to accept myself as the whole of who I am, bad past experiences and all. Everything that has happened has made me who I am. Now that little 5 year old me is a part of who I am and it's much easier to let her in then it is to try and hold the closet door closed.

I really hope the OP can accept what happened and move on, not look back. Don't forget, because that's not the answer either, but do accept. Love every part of yourself, every part of who you are. It's not as easy as it sounds but it is possible. :)

Wondergirl · Feb 22, 2010, 04:49 PM

Originally Posted by trudger67

Now forgiveness... that is a powerful tool in my experience - to look the abuser in the eye and tell them you forgive them seems to take a lot of power away from them.

You've got it backwards. The forgiving is a tool to help you regain your power and to move forward. The abuser doesn't have to even know he is forgiven for it to work.

trudger67 · Feb 22, 2010, 04:57 PM

[QUOTE=Wondergirl;2242910]You've got it backwards...

No I do not have it backwards, you have misunderstood! Investigate it a little further. What are you saying... forgive and don't tell him you know and forgive him. RUBBISH. I agree that you can forgive him just on your own. But why would you avoid confronting him with what you know to be true and have a problem telling him that you have forgiven him (or her). Why would you continue to keep the secret for them? That does not make sense.

Wondergirl · Feb 22, 2010, 05:06 PM

Originally Posted by trudger67

Why would you continue to keep the secret for them? That does not make sense.

Forgiveness is for YOU, and you only. If you want to let the offender know that you have forgiven him, fine, but it's not necessary for you then to benefit from it.

Keeping secrets has to do with reporting to the proper authorities, and nothing to do with forgiveness.

trudger67 · Feb 22, 2010, 05:07 PM

[QUOTE=Altenweg;2242909][QUOTE=trudger67;2242885]

Welcome to the site. :)

Heya, thanks for keeping it real. I have been were you are, and it's a lifetime process. What I liked about what you shared is that you share a bit of your own experience. Trust me when I say, forgiveness is powerful. I have had multiple abusers of both genders as a child but I don't consider myself to be a victim today. I am a survivor, and recovery is a process that takes time. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. What works for one, doesn't necessarily work for another. - Doesn't mean it's right or wrong either. Take care.

Alty · Feb 22, 2010, 05:15 PM

[QUOTE=trudger67;2242932]

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You've got it backwards...

No I do not have it backwards, you have misunderstood! Investigate it a little further. What are you saying... forgive and don't tell him you know and forgive him. RUBBISH. I agree that you can forgive him just on your own. But why would you avoid confronting him with what you know to be true and have a problem telling him that you have forgiven him (or her). Why would you continue to keep the secret for them? That does not make sense.

It actually does make sense. Like I said, I was molested from the age of 5 on. The person who molested me was my cousin, she was also my babysitter. I felt trapped. I couldn't tell my parents because she threatened me. She also told me that no one would believe me. I believed her so I kept my mouth shut.

I have come a far way but to confront her, even after all this time, I'm still that 5 year old girl, only she's aged. In other words, you would be asking 5 year old me to confront my molester. That's not always a good thing. That's not always a healthy thing.

My therapist is great. Never once has she suggested that I confront my cousin. It's not about her, it's about me, my healing, my ability to move forward. I don't need to forgive her, I don't need to take her power away, I have the power now to move on.

trudger67 · Feb 22, 2010, 05:22 PM

[QUOTE=Altenweg;2242999][QUOTE=trudger67;2242932]

It actually does make sense...

I hear what you are saying... I just don't agree, and I'm OK with that - and I hope you are too. I'm not suggesting that everybody tracks down their abusers and looks them in the eye and forgives them. I'm just saying that it worked for me, and today I am free - and not that locked down child any more. This is such a sensitive subject that it can bring up a number of issues. I think if you have found what works for you, that is great. I know what has worked for me. And you know... it's OK for both of us to have different solutions. Kia kaha (that means stay strong in Maori)

Alty · Feb 22, 2010, 05:26 PM

You are right when you say that one way doesn't work for everyone. That's why getting a therapist you can work with is the best step.

I went through a few therapist before I found the right one.

It is a very sensitive subject and I really hope that the OP gets the help she needs to deal with it. That's the most important thing, moving on, finding your strength, living your life.

Danke, und dir auch.

That's "Thank you, and also you" in German. :)

Wondergirl · Feb 22, 2010, 05:26 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

It actually does make sense. Like I said, I was molested from the age of 5 on. The person who molested me was my cousin, she was also my babysitter. I felt trapped. I couldn't tell my parents because she threatened me. She also told me that no one would believe me. I believed her so I kept my mouth shut.

I have come a far way but to confront her, even after all this time, I'm still that 5 year old girl, only she's aged. In other words, you would be asking 5 year old me to confront my molester. That's not always a good thing. That's not always a healthy thing.

My therapist is great. Never once has she suggested that I confront my cousin. It's not about her, it's about me, my healing, my ability to move forward. I don't need to forgive her, I don't need to take her power away, I have the power now to move on.

You HAVE forgiven her because you have moved on. Forgiveness doesn't mean you stand in front of the offender and say, "It's okay now. It doesn't matter. As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen. Let's be friends now." NOT AT ALL! You've moved away from your role as victim and released the control and power the abuser had in your life. You let go of grudges and no longer define your life by how you were hurt. You've moved on. That's forgiveness.