[Jhinuk78]

Moved to its own thread, merged, and edited


My boyfriend dumped me 2 weeks back. We had been together for 1 and a half years – lived together for 6/7 months. I am 31 and he is 28. He chased me, professed his love and moved cities to be with me. I fell in love with him later. He lost his job and since then he moved back to his city while I was overseas (I knew about this – so he didn’t do anything on the sly). And things have been going downhill. He has very low self-esteem because of the trauma he has suffered. He feels like a loser. His mother thinks he needs psychological help. When I went to meet him 2 weeks back he was perfect one day and cold the next. Then we had a bitter fight and he broke it off. I couldn’t recognise this man. He was wonderful to me all through our relationship and this was a side of him I had never ever seen.

He gave very vague reasons – that my culture’s self centred and I have a small group of friends – for the breakup.

I have not contacted him since the breakup. I had told him I accepted his decision. He spoke to a mutual friend in the following week after the breakup and asked him to find out how I was doing and to let him know but not to let me know he asked. When my friend spoke to him he was abrupt but then he rang him back and spoke for over an hour. He said he loved me genuinely at one time but only cared now. He was livid I spoke to his dad – my friend pointed out that that was out of concern. He started casting aspersions on my character. He said he knew if he tried to come back to me I would make him beg – my friend told him that wouldn’t be the case. He said he didn’t want to speak to my anymore – something that he had told me when we broke up.

Since then for the past week he has not contacted anyone. I sent him an email y’day to let him know his bills are still coming in at my address. No response.

His stuff including his passport’s still at my place. He owes me money as well.

None of us have cheated on the other. I don’t care if he hooks up now – he’s single and a relationship on a rebound never works. So while it might hurt me, I know it won’t kill me.

I love him dearly and this breakup happened within a space of a month and has come as a shock. He had always been great to me and we had a wonderful basis of friendship – which is another thing I am missing terribly!

I just want your advise on what I should do. He is in a very bad place psychologically and with his self worth. I don’t think he loves himself at the moment and so he has no love to offer me.

And he is drinking and that’s adding to his negativity.

I also feel helpless because we are in different cities. We had discussed this before ‘cos I am from his city and was planning on moving back myself before he even lost his job. So a few months long distance wasn’t an issue.

The following are my queries:
(1) Why is he asking about me from my friend but not contacting me at all?
(2) Why hasn’t he even thanked me for letting him know of the bills?
(3) Is he indifferent or angry or hates me?
(4) Is he not taking his stuff or paying me the money to keep the door open?
(5) Should I be patient and give him the space to work through his issues?
(6) A close friend of his says if he is left alone he thinks no one cares. So with a person like this, can I take the risk of no contact? What if he thinks I have moved on and he has no chance?
(7) Since we are in two cities, how do I stop the ‘out of sight out of mind’ from happening?
(8) And lastly – is there any hope? I know couples go through far worse and patch up. This is nothing compared to the bad news stories I have read.

[mistyjane]

1)this is normal people usually act like this it's just like checking your ex's Facebook .It doesn't mean he's going to come back to you.
2)+3) When somebody break up with you for no reason like he did I noticed this is usually how they act because this person wants you to ask yourself if you did something wrong he wants you to doubt and the best way is to ignore you just like if you were the one who is supposed to beg and be confused.
4)Yes I think so, and to keep you thinking about him.
5)+6)Yes you can if you want to wait but I think if I were you I would stay no contact cause you've already sent him an e-mail he didn't even answer! What's that? He owes you money he should at least respect you and answer.
8) There's always hope BUT we all have problems and some low self estime moments but this is not a reason to treat you bad.Yes some of us are going through far worse but is that a reason for you to excuse the way he is acting right now?
He has to deal with his problems instead of acting like it's your fault.

[Jhinuk78]

Thanks Mistyjane :) I don't want to beg or plead - he should realise that I might have made mistakes but I have told him already several times that I have learnt from them & will not repeat them. Now he needs to do the same right? He needs to address his faults & learn as well?

The email I sent him was to inform him about his mail that's still arriving at my address. It wasn't to ask for the money & I hadn't asked any questions either just suggested that he redirects his mail. But I do expect him to thank me for bringing this to his attention.

As for the money when we had our last fight & broke up he had told me the money would be in my account in the next 3 days. It is a small sum so am not too worried but yes he should have kept his word.

The question that lingers is whether he is indifferent-what do you think? Are his actions those of an indifferent man?

Thanks in advance :)

[Romefalls19]

(1) Why is he asking about me from my friend but not contacting me at all?
They still care about your well being just don't want to be with you.
(2) Why hasn't he even thanked me for letting him know of the bills?
Because he doesn't feel the need to
(3) Is he indifferent or angry or hates me?
He is probably angry, like most after a break up
(4) Is he not taking his stuff or paying me the money to keep the door open?
To keep you dangling on the hook maybe
(5) Should I be patient and give him the space to work through his issues?
Yes, and work on your own life
(6) A close friend of his says if he is left alone he thinks no one cares. So with a person like this, can I take the risk of no contact? What if he thinks I have moved on and he has no chance?
NC isn't to get someone back, it's to heal from a break up. DOn't use NC as a weapon
(7) Since we are in two cities, how do I stop the 'out of sight out of mind' from happening?
You don't
(8) And lastly – is there any hope? I know couples go through far worse and patch up. This is nothing compared to the bad news stories I have read.
Break ups happen, relationships end. You need to stop trying to analyze everything he does. Proceed as if there is no hope

[amicon]

His actions are those of a coward.
If it's a small sum of money that you can afford to lose,let that be.

Forward his passport to him,then go no contact.

Let him sort out his own life in his own way and you move forward with your own,without him in it.

.

[Jhinuk78]

Thanks all! It's not just his passport that's here - his clothes, CDs, golf clubs, cricket bat etc. So literally everything. My counsellor's told me that I should leave it to him to organise to get it.

Yes I guess I can leave the money.

I must emphasize that he has changed since he lost his job. This man has emerged in the last month. He is saying that his decision wasn't made over this month but then he tells me that the 6 weeks before I left for overseas were wonderful. Even when I was overseas he was telling me how much he missed me... called me regularly... and then I felt the coldness. He said he didn't know what he wanted but when we had the fight & he was drunk, things came to a head.

My counsellor tells me he doesn't love himself so he can't give me any love. He also says he will come back because most of these people do come back once they are out of their 'whirlpool' of confusion. I have decided that I will have 2 conditions - drop alcohol & commit. I want him to agree that next time he's on such a downward spiral he needs to talk to me instead of sitting in a corner & dwelling on negatives - he will have to agree to seeing a therapist the next time he goes through such stress.

I really do feel that he loves me - he definitely loved me a lot to have moved cities. I know he has stress related psychological issues & his alcohol but I don't want to abandon ship. I know he's the one who has pushed me away but isn't it possible once he comes out of this phase that he might come around?

He was lovely to me & this job trauma has changed him - pushed him over the edge. Even his mum can see that.

[amicon]

He is going to have to take responsibility for turning his own life around himself and nobody knows when or if that's going to happen. Rather than sitting around waiting for him,clinging to false hope I suggest you start living your own life and avoid the limbo of confusion and overanalyzing somebody else's behaviour.

[talaniman]

Despite all your questions, concerns and caring, return all his stuff to him and stay out of his life.

He is not healthy, but there is nothing you can do to change him, unless that's what he wants for himself.

Granted it's a lousy way to deal with his issues, but its his choice to wallow in a bottle, or do something more productive.

End this, and I know its hard for you, but return all his stuff to his family, and let him sink, or swim on his own.

Nothing you have done so far has changed a darn thing to make a difference, but disappearing from his life will at least free you from a terrible burden you shouldn't have, nor deserve.

[Jhinuk78]

Thanks again all :) I have a quick few quick questions. Would appreciate your views.

Firstly I don't have the finances to send all his stuff because he might not give me that money either. Should I wait for him to contact in this situation?

Secondly I have met someone but not sure if dating him would kill my chances with my ex. Unfortunately I cannot bury my love for him & the hope. I am officially single & I didn't force this prospect - he's the one who has asked me out. What should I do?

[vanheart]

Don't worry about his stuff for now.
Put them somewhere out of sight.

And more importantly don't jump into a new relationship. Rebounding isn't fair to you or anyone. Only a recipe for another disaster.

Focus on getting over this one first. Getting yourself together first.
If you don't then you are no good to yourself or anyone in the future.

And kill your chances? Get real. There already dead.

[Jhinuk78]

I just realised after doing a bit of reading that my ex's depressed. He has shown classic signs and I am shocked to see that there are so many ladies with exactly the same story. I wish I could have told him this when we were speaking. But I know he wouldn't have listened to me.

Again boils down to the fact that he has to accept he's in trouble and seek help.

Even my counsellor told me he's heading towards a breakdown. But at that point I didn't realise that we are looking at a depressed person.

I have to give him the space he needs and somehow manage to stop myself from being dragged into the rabbit hole too. I cannot believe I got involved with an alcoholic and a depressed person :( And that I love him so much.

I know when he feels better he will contact me... but oh dear I will have to be so strong if I stick by him. I have to learn how not to take it personally... I have to learn how to use tough love as well.

I am promising myself this today - if he does come back and we patch up. I will only give this relationship one more chance. If he has a similar stress related breakdown and he again refuses to get help. I will leave him.

I so know that he needs to stop the alcohol as well.

Thank you all for your support. I now know what I am dealing with and might have to deal with for the rest of my life.

My dad's bipolar and I have seen my mother's struggle. I cannot believe that I am repeating the same cycle that my mother had to go through - being in love with a psychologically disturbed person.

I will try and break out of this love. But god it's going to be tough :(

[vanheart]

Get out now.

You can't fix him. Its not for you to enable. Anymore.

Hes confused. Don't let him drag you.

Let him get his act together.

And you, yours. That's what's its all about. Us being aware & together. Recognizing stuff. Waking up.

I know you care, but you're not your parents. Like you said, don't repeat that cycle. That's just a waste.

Get with adjusted people. Will help you become adjusted.

[Jhinuk78]

Hello all... it's been 4 months since my ex broke up with me. He came last weekend to pick up all his things. While he tried to change the appointment I stuck to it. I didn't utter a word when he was at my place and didn't bother with pleasantries. The night before he tried to call me and mentioned he doesn't want any bad blood between us. I told him I was busy... I genuinely was.. and hung up. I guess my previous questions gives you a picture of how the breakup happened so I won't go into it. He suffers from depression and is an alcoholic. He got fired last year and went back to his city while I was overseas. He started going into his depression which had never surfaced before while we were together for 1.5 years. He had chased me for 3 months and professed his love for me before I started falling in love with him. He also moved cities to be with me. Now when he rang me y'day he said he was missing a couple of jackets. I told him I didn't anything else of his. I was not stern.. had a normal tone of voice. He then said he wanted to make sure I was fine. Then he said he wanted us to be friends and I told him I have too much anger to be his friend. He said he knew I was on an online dating site.. he admitted to having looked me up. He told me he liked the picture. Then he told me he had moved on and the call isn't meant to rekindle the relationship and he never wanted a relationship with me. But he spoke to me for almost 3 hours till I had to hang up. He has been done for DUI and was progressively getting drunk during our conversation. He told me he felt no connection for me anymore. I didn't beg or plead but did tell him I still love him and miss him. In these past 4 months I called him drunk only once - that's it. He asked me y'day to delete all mutual friends on Facebook and I told him to tell his friends to delete me. He said they won't since they like me. He brought up the minutest details about the relationship. He said he's been reading emails I sent to him while I was overseas and now realises how much he hurt me. He said it wasn't his intention. He told me I have a lot to give. When I mentioned that I am dating someone but not ready for a relationship - he said he was very happy for me. He didn't sound happy.

I am confused. These past 4/5 months have been the darkest of my life. But I am pushing hard towards recovering. Why did he ring... if all he wanted was to tell me he's moved on? Why talk to me for that long if that's all he had to say? Why does he keep asking me to be his friend when I have said no. He ignored me in my condition for all these months - why call me now and hope there's no bad blood?

Thanks in advance!

[Showme_urmove]

Hello there!
Sorry for your lost. We don't know why his doing what his doing. How you explain the type of person he is, I don't think you will have a bright future if you decide to reconcile.
Lets make this easy for your healing process. Why don't you change your number, delete your Facebook and all other things that ties you with him. You do all that he will not be able to contact you.
If he doesn't get the change to talk to you, it will make you heal faster, he won't be giving you all this confusion in your head.
If you really made up your mind of not being with him, then do NO CONTACT! Its hard but your life will be much better then it is now

[Jhinuk78]

Thanks Showme_urmove!

I did not contact him even once except for the time I was drunk and called him - that was almost 3 months back. We have exchanged emails and texts since we had to organise when he was picking up his things. Now that that's out of the way I have no intention of contacting him. But I also don't want to change my mobile number (I've had it for a long time and I will have to tell family & friends and service providers) and he's not on my Facebook. But I haven't blocked him out. I did that once and my counsellor told me not to go those lengths... so I unblocked him. He's the one who deleted me from his Facebook and he's the one who broke up with me. He also told me that he didn't see us being friends in the near future. Of course by that time I had already refused to be friends with him.

He has always used the excuse of his things to contact me. But of late I have slowly questioned that. And now this phone call. All of last weekend before he came over to pick his stuff up he tried to have dialogue with me and I snubbed him. But my counsellor told me to listen in case he contacted me again... so I allowed him to talk y'day. I was very surprised he called.

I would like to say I love him very much and terribly miss him. I only want to know if his calls were merely because he's concerned about me... or if he still loves me.

We did have a good relationship till he got fired and he went downhill with his depression and self-esteem issues. I had never seen the breakup coming and had told my entire family about him.

His family and friends love me and I didn't ever think that he would make such a harsh decision.

Now while he told me y'day that he has moved on and feels no connection for me and doesn't ever want a relationship with me.. he still went on talking till I had to hang up.

In your experience does this mean he has feelings and is still trying to deny them?

I want to know this only because I love him. After that whether I reconcile is another matter... I will have to think deep about it. I really believe he's my soulmate and hence these questions!

Thanks :)

[talaniman]

Be aware that through all of this you have not healed because even the smallest of contacts can lead to confused feelings and stirred emotions.

The facts are that alcohol is a depressant, and if your already suffering from depression, it gets much worse. Always remember that as there is no point at all in trying to figure out the motives or feelings of those who are depressed, and drink. NONE WHATSOEVER.

So forget reconciliation, or any false hope that he will be cured, and all will be happy ever after.

Your only course is to heal yourself, accept that he is not your soul mate, and rebuild your life, now that he has his stuff and has no more ties to you. That's for the best for you BOTH.

Time will show you that you are far better off without him, as he deals with his demons.

You have to let go completely though, for you, and rebuild your own happiness.