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aloneandconfuse · Feb 3, 2010, 07:23 PM

Ok so here's what happened:

I was engaged to be married to a beautiful girl whom I've been dating 3 years with few problems. We were supposed to get married in June of this year, but then in December she cheated on me. The cheating entailed making out with this guy and very light petting. (she grazed him outside his pants and he tried to feel her up but she stopped him) I chose to forgive her because when she cheated I had been neglecting her for some of my friends. I pretty much never got to see her, and I blew off our dates, etc. We were fine except this pain was killing me... But the wedding was still on and we were going to make it through.

Now the problem is I cheated on her. I am pretty sure I did it just because she cheated on me, but I don't know. I had faith that she wouldn't do it again because she came and told me the next day what she had done. Now I've gone and done worse. I made out with this girl in her car and there was very very heavy petting... meaning inside the pants and shirts and all that.. I don't know what to do now because to be honest, I really liked the other girls kiss, but I love my fiancé more than anything in the world and I don't want to screw up our wedding.

Should I tell her? Or should I keep it a secret? Should I cut off all contact with this other girl? Or should I just play both until it blows up in my face? All advice is appreciated! Thank you.

talaniman · Feb 3, 2010, 08:29 PM

Since you didn't learn from her revelations, you went out and did the same thing. You forgave her and I know you expect her to forgive you, right?

The only way to find out is by being as honest as she was, and accept your fate. That would be fair wouldn't it?

There is no way to justify your bad behavior, even if it was a revenge thing.

Should I tell her? Or should I keep it a secret?

That's between you, and your God.

Should I cut off all contact with this other girl?

You say you care about your girlfriend, so what's the right thing to do?

Or should I just play both until it blows up in my face?

That's an option, since its your actions you will pay for. For sure when you learn nothing from your mistakes, you are likely to repeat them.

I didn't tell you what to do because its up to you what path you choose to follow, honesty, or deceit.

Choose the wrong one, and you can forget the marriage, but the real choice should be hers to make, just like you had the opportunity to make a choice about her mistake.

unsurenow · Feb 3, 2010, 08:31 PM

Wow, I would cut off all contact, keep in mind that NEWness always feels euphoric but that is only chemical, you do not have history with the new girl. I don't know if you should tell, but honesty is probably about the best bet, if she breaks up with youj, you will have no choice but to date the unknown stranger and she may be your worse nightnmare. The grass is never greener than the green it is on your side. If the grass were dead on your side that's one thing, you did a tit for tat so tell her the truth and start fresh and cherish each other, tomorrow is not promised.

Wolfrey · Feb 3, 2010, 11:50 PM

Well since the only reason you cheated is to get back to her, now you've had your way, It's not fair is it? She told you, you're keeping it a secret, not to mention you took it farther than she did. The problem is you've opened up a whole new can of worms. You cheated and liked it, where she cheated and regretted it. I think you already know what you should do, you just need to do it.

mafiaangel180 · Feb 4, 2010, 12:05 AM

There's something beyond this whole cheating mess. You ignored your fiancé for your friends and blew off dates with her. It doesn't sound like a commitment. It makes me wonder... did you start having doubts? I could only imagine she didn't feel like a number one priority in your life. You guys need to sit down and talk. Tell the truth no matter what the outcome. Because if it's meant to be, it will be.

emopunk7 · Feb 4, 2010, 12:49 AM

Ive heard certain things are better off unsaid but this is a tough one. Watch The Last Kiss. You may learn something.

Romefalls19 · Feb 4, 2010, 06:30 AM

Honesty is the best policy, she was honest with you and as someone who believes in karma, I'd own up to it. Give her the choice to forgive you, just as she gave to you. But do NOT expect her to forgive you.

amicon · Feb 4, 2010, 06:36 AM

She was honest with you,you should be honest with her.
Whether she forgives you is up to her.

Plus you need to have a serious conversation about where this relationship is going,you have more issues to resolve then the double cheating.

HistorianChick · Feb 4, 2010, 07:12 AM

Honestly, the thing that concerns me the most is the propensity that you have towards revenge.

Any relationship will suffer when someone has to "even the playing field"... even if it is an subconscious thing; if you feel the need to even it out, get revenge on your partner, or even feel the ability to cheat because "she did," that is concerning to me.

That's not what true forgiveness is; true forgiveness forgives and lets it go. Notice I didn't say "forgets"... we are human, we don't forget. We have to choose to forgive momentarily. When you forgive someone, you forgive them and continually forgive them until you are truly past it. You don't justify your mirrored actions because they did it first.

My honest opinion? I don't think you are in the position to get married, nor do I think you're in the position to continue a relationship with this other girl. Honest? I think you need to put the breaks on, be honest with your fiancé, and tell her that you need to work it out before you commit to a lifetime with this girl.

You're not ready to be married. Period. It may come to the point where you both see that there is too much water under the bridge for the two of you to "make it." Or, the honest truth of what happened in this relationship may be the thing that cements you together.

But, you need to be honest.

LJDK · Feb 4, 2010, 07:14 AM

Ah... was in the same situation a long time ago. GF cheated on me, so I cheated on her. She however did not tell me, I caught her in the act. I did tell her after I cheated.

She cried, the girl I cheated with cried because she wanted more. Then I cried. Me and my GF did not break up, instead we had an open relationship where we were still together, although we would hook up with other people in between... then I fell in love, left my GF for another girl.

And then after all that I needed a break from girls and their complications. If I could do it all over again would I tell my GF?

Yip. Pointless keeping a secret that will eat away at your relationship, regardless how well you hide it... its something that lurks in your subconcious and comes out in other ways.

Should you tell you GF? It's up to you. You already said you like the other girl... maybe you guys can form an open relationship and forget about marriage. Or you can still marry. I know one or two people who are married but still date other people. Some of the happiest couples they are.

Societies idea of relationships are screwed up in any case. If it was not so, then the divorce rate would not be so high.

aloneandconfuse · Feb 4, 2010, 10:44 AM

I didn't say I like this girl, In fact even if me and my fiancé broke up I wouldn't be with her... I don't have any interest in her other than physical.. I know what I did is unfair and I don't plan on doing it again, but like I said when I cheated I expected to understand why she did, but instead I wound up liking it...

HistorianChick · Feb 4, 2010, 10:50 AM

Originally Posted by aloneandconfuse

I didn't say I like this girl, In fact even if me and my fiance broke up I wouldn't be with her... I don't have any interest in her other than physical.. I know what I did is unfair and I don't plan on doing it again, but like I said when I cheated I expected to understand why she did, but instead I wound up liking it...

... and the mature thing to do because you feel like this is to break it off with your fiancé.

If cheating feels good, then you're just simply not ready for a committed relationship.

It's good that you recognize it now, rather than do it later.

unsurenow · Feb 7, 2010, 12:27 PM

So what did u end up doing?

Clough · Feb 8, 2010, 01:28 AM

Originally posted by redhed35
Get talking or get walking!

Oh, I like that, redhed35!

Thanks1

aloneandconfuse · Feb 10, 2010, 02:06 AM

As of now I'm still with her. She still has no idea of what happened, and we are getting along OK.

unsurenow · Feb 10, 2010, 07:59 AM

I'm happy for u

HistorianChick · Feb 10, 2010, 08:06 AM

Originally Posted by aloneandconfuse

As of now i'm still with her. She still has no idea of what happened, and we are getting along ok.

She still has no idea that you cheated and enjoyed it. She still has no idea that you think cheating is OK.

For now.

I really hope that you're able to resolve your issues and redevelop a healthy relationship with your fiancé. Healthy relationships foster healthy marriages.

Wolfrey · Feb 10, 2010, 01:00 PM

You have to tell her. It's not fair to her.

Lucky098 · Feb 10, 2010, 03:01 PM

Maybe you cheated on her because she cheated on you in the first place... The trust barrier was broken making it OK to do things that you wouldn't typically consider.

You should tell her. She has the right to know. She told you. You forgave her. Maybe she will forgive you.

If you just let it sit, you're going to start to go crazy... its going to be like a giant elephant in the room with you at all times. A lot of the times, secrets are what breaks people up. Even if it's a bad secret, it should be told. If not for anyone, but yourself.

Definitely say good bye to your one night fling. If you want to play the fence poll, then prepared to be alone once everything falls apart. Does your fling even know you are engaged? I know a lot of times girls won't be to willing to hook up with a guy who is already spoken for...