[Cosmi]

Me and my boyfriend are turning 20 this year and we moved in our own place 8 months ago.
I knew from the beginning that he might be a father. He told me that she cheated on him so many times that he can not be the father. So later when the child was 1 years old we went to the party and the baby girl look just like him and I told him that I know his the father. He told me that I'm just saying that because everyone else thinks so. Now the baby girl how name is Quinette is a year and 4 months old is his daughter. The test results came last week and was 100% his.
I love babies and I love him very much its just I don't know how to handle it by myself. I don't know if its going to be okay. My emotions is running around and my family is telling me I'm to young and must get out of the relationship before its to late, but isn't it already to late?
I don't want to leave him and I don't want to hate the baby. It's not her fault it were her parents fault for not thinking straight. I told him that it would be okay if he returns to the mother for the baby. But he told me that he will never trust her again. I believe him… but I'm not sure if things going to be okay for us. We can't talk about what's going to happen and if I tell him how I feel he don't have anything to say to me.
His mom is so supporting and his family thinks I'm the one. And I'm stuck in a world were I must decide what to do. I'm disappointed in the fact that its not mine but his baby. I want to be part of everything and even tracked info about babies to help us. I want to help him and support him but how, how can I if I don't know what's on his mind. I know his proud and that she comes first.
Help is all I need to be told how I can help and support and to get over the fact that there will be forever another woman (the mother) in his life and we can't talk.

[amicon]

You need to sort this out by communicating or your relationship won't work.

He should be in his child's life for at least 18 years-if he wants you in his life you need to sort out where the two of you are going with your relationship

[neverme]

The fact that this woman may have treated your boyfriend wrongly does not mean he cannot be a father. He needs to step up and be a man. He needs to support the child he made.

You need to tell him that this is very traumatic for you also and that your feelings cannot be ignored. If he wants to have a relationship with you he needs to work for that. They don't just happen.

Stop taking everyone else's considerations into your head, make a decision whether you think this is a good idea. But ask yourself... 'Why are these people that love me and want the best for me telling me to get away from this relationship?'

[talaniman]

First of all I can appreciate your dilemma, and hope you give him the space to work out how HE wants to proceed. This will tell you, by listening, and observing, whether your willing, or not to support him, and his future actions. Also an insight into how he conducts his responsibilities, and personal business.

He is in a relationship with you, and does need to communicate his intentions, and course of action to you, but he has to figure it out pretty much on his own.

So my advice is for now do nothing, but pay attention to what's happening, and what he does. If he asks for an opinion, give it, but its his call to make for now any way. I am sure you will have a chance for input where his actions pertain to you.

The opinions of others must always be taken with a grain of salt, as only you know what you're willing to deal with, or not, so make sure your not last on the priority list.

If you are? Then take the right actions in your own behalf.

[Cosmi]

Quote by neverme;
The fact that this woman may have treated your boyfriend wrongly does not mean he cannot be a father. He needs to step up and be a man. He needs to support the child he made

He wants to be in his child’s life, but together we make R6 900.00 a month and she want him to pay half the school that’s R350.00 Half of all the things Quinette needs and that she must come on medical aid. The mother doesn’t have a job or a boyfriend anymore. When she calls and ask him to come over so they can talk he says yes and ignore our plans. He doesn’t want to say no because he wants to see his child and don’t want to complicate anything. So its yes yes yes every time.)

You need to tell him that this is very traumatic for you also and that your feelings cannot be ignored. If he wants to have a relationship with you he needs to work for that. They don't just happen

I told him how I felt but he tells me he don’t know what to say to me and that he don’t know how to make it better and that I need to accept everything and move on. I don’t know what to tell him or how he can make it better or how not to ignore my feelings.)

Stop taking everyone else's considerations into your head, make a decision whether you think this is a good idea. But ask yourself... 'Why are these people that love me and want the best for me telling me to get away from this relationship?

I don’t know if it’s a good idea or bad because its good and bad. Maybe all I want to know how he feels about our relationship and if I’m in his life for long term and what’s going to happen about the fact that I’m not anymore the only one in his life. If got so many questions I want answers to that I just can't get. )

[Jake2008]

You will never be in 'first place' with him, because his child will. He will be responsible for at least the next 18 years to devoting his life to a relationship with the child (and the child's mother).

Think instead of what this will do to you, and your life.

You will be a step-mother. Subject to all the responsibilities of a mother in caring for, providing for, feeding, clothing, sports, school, etc. except that you will have no direct say, as his parents will decide how the child will be raised.

Your life will revolve around his child, and the child's mother. Visitation, child support, etc. Not to mention a depleted paycheque. Your time will revolve around this baby as well. You will no longer have the freedom to go and do what you want to, when you want to, because everything has to be planned now.

He may be a very good father, and I hope he is, but he has no choice in the matter.

You would probably be a very good step-parent, but YOU have a choice here.

Think long and hard about the fact that a commitment to him, also means a commitment of a couple of decades of his child, and his ex.

There is no changing that landscape for him, it is what it is. For you, you are in a position of deciding what YOU want for your own future.

Sometimes love is just not enough when you are faced with an existing relationship with the ex, and the added responsibility of his baby.

You are smart to question this now, and make a decision about where your life is going.

[Devorameira]

Just remember his child will always come before you. Are you sure that the ex is really over him? Is it possible that she’s trying to manipulate him to get him back? Be careful! Some people prefer not to deal with drama which is why they don’t date people with kids. You know yourself. If you know you will not be happy having the other woman and or his child in your life I would say move on to a man without all the baggage and with no kids like yourself. You really do not need the added stress in a relationship.

If you are deeply in love and invested the relationship and you want to make things work your boyfriend really has to want to make things work as well. If you can't talk about it, I don't think there's even a little chance of making things work.

Have a watchful eye on his relationship with his baby’s mother to be sure that its strictly about the child and nothing more. But personally I feel its too much drama and stress for one to deal with. If you are not happy, move on... you are still young you can find plenty of good guys without the baggage and drama. Good luck to you

[talaniman]

Personally, unless he deals with his ex and child, he will never be able to deal with you, or your concerns.

You can suggest a free consult with a lawyer to help him through this, but you really need to back away and remove yourself from this situation, and stop tripping over his lack of action, and direction.

You don't have a relationship at all with him when there is no communications, or even a willingness to discuss this so how do you expect to work together to get beyond this.

Someone has to take action, and he has not.

[Romefalls19]

I am going through this, not quite the same but my fiancé has 2 kids with her ex and as much as I want to do everything because that's the type of person I am, I have learned I have to sit back and let her do the things, while adding a shoulder to lean on and when she feels weak I'm there to make her strong. She asks me questions about what she should do and I give my opinion but I don't make the decisions alone or for her. You have to understand he has to do what is in the best interest of the baby girl. If he's worried about seeing his child, then he needs to get a custody agreement in order. Have they went to court?

[Jake2008]

Great answer Rome. I wanted to give you a greenie, but It has changed. There is nowhere to click, it just says Agree/Disagree.

Anyway, A BIG greenie for you!

[Cosmi]

I am going through this, not quite the same but my fiance has 2 kids with her ex and as much as I want to do everything because that's the type of person I am, I have learned I have to sit back and let her do the things, while adding a shoulder to lean on and when she feels weak I'm there to make her strong. She asks me questions about what she should do and I give my opinion but I don't make the decisions alone or for her. You have to understand he has to do what is in the best interest of the baby girl. If he's worried about seeing his child, then he needs to get a custody agreement in order. Have they went to court?

No. He don't want to go to court because he don't want to have trouble. Didn't asked him why because I know I'm not going to get a proper answer. Not now!! Quinette is coming to visit us this weekend I think, don't really know his plans. I made everything ready for her got toys for her to play with and things we need for her. But his talking of working to get money to pay her school because the mother left her fiancé this week and have no job or money so he has to pay.