[QLP]

I'll start by saying I have been married for 25 years so I'm definitely an adult!

Not sure how to phrase this so I'll be blunt. After 25 years I have lost a lot of interest in sex because frankly it is boring. Hubby is patient and knows all the relevant spots and techniques but eventually it just all seems so predictable.

The real problem is I am a lot more relaxed in attitude to sex than he is. Obviously over the years we have tried a lot. The first time I 'dressed up' he laughed! Now I'm not a total minger and it wasn't a stupid outfit, just the usual frills and garters type of stuff that most chaps would probably like but he laughed because he got embarrassed. The laughs didn't do much for my sexy mood though. This was many years ago by the way so I was much younger then too.

We got toys and he's sort of OK with that but I can still kind of feel his slight embarrassment. Tantric gives him the hysterics as he thinks it is silly.

If I ask for something I fancy he gets upset - he feels criticised if I don't leave it up to him - but I feel bored as he lacks imagination or passion quite often. If I try the 'husky voice' thing on him and try to direct him through playful suggesion he gets the giggles (emabarrasment again). If I say nice things to him about his appearance or say he is sexy he laughs because he gets embarrassed.

I love him to bits and we are mostly happy. We had a bad patch recently when he became infatuated with another woman. I have come to realise that part of the reason for this was because he felt inadequate with me because I was putting too much pressure on him. We have worked through that and things are a lot better. Except for the sex. Now it is little more than a chore for me and I don't know how to get some variety without making him feel pressured.

I do try to get him to tell me what he would really like by the way and he wouldn't for a long time but he has started to a little now, although I can feel him almost cringing or laughing when he does so.

[mafiaangel180]

I'm not an expert or anything. But some people aren't into all the frills and whatnot (clothing, props, husky voices.) So maybe it's just not his thing. But... if it's your thing... maybe you could gently tell him what you want to try and that it would mean a lot to you. Ease him into it. And maybe he could learn to compromise. Possibly maybe he doesn't have any big fantasy of his own? (or none that would be safe to share such as threeways with you and a hooker--lol.) Some people don't. But maybe you could spice things up by doing it in a semi-risque location. Where you could possibly get caught but is still safe for him. Just like... take him. In a dressing room, in your car, or outside or something.

[QLP]

He is too scared to try outdoors or the car. Something I have enjoyed in a previous relationship but can accept isn't for him.

It's not so much that I want any specific thing its just I wish he could be more confident and comforable about the whole thing.

When we first met we had both had a similar amount of partners (not a huge number lol) but I was more experienced in terms of experimenting and had a more open attitude.
He had actually been married before and his first wife was a 'lights off, missionary position' kind of lady.

When we first married he was astounded that I walk around naked without thinking about it, jump into his bath to share it, talk about sex without feeling uncomfortable, that sort of thing. For a long time he thought all his christmases had come at once. I felt like a sex kitten being followed around by a sweet puppy with his tongue hanging out and I rather liked it for quite a while.

The trouble is I think we are both tired of me being the dominant sexual force in our relationship.

If I use a just 'take him' sort of attitude there's a 50/50 chance what will happen.

Either he will have a whale of a time and go around for a week sporting a silly grin. This is what always used to happen.

Or, he will get scared and back off because I'm 'too forward and it's intimidating'.

Well it's got to the point where I want to be the one wearing a silly grin for a week. I want a caveman to drag me off and roger me senseless. Or a personal cassanova to woo me out of my pants. Not literally obviously - you get the idea I hope.

I sense that it has also got to the point where he wants to be the one to take charge in the sex arena but he just isn't sure how. If I try to make suggestions he feels 'unmanned'. If I back off and wait I get no sex. He then complains about our lack of sex life though he has done nothing to instigate it.

He has recently started suggesting we 'go for a cuddle' by which he means he wants sex. Trouble is I can predict exactly what will happen after that. Should I just be patient and hope that he will find his sexual confidence if I don't take the lead any more?

I would really appreciate some male feedback - I probably sound like a maneater but hey if that's so I need to work on my feminine side I guess...

[smoothy]

Like the old saying goes... "It takes two to tango"... he has to be as willing and open to "experiment" as you clearly are.

Hell, anything repeated ad nausium will get boring. Which partner doesn't matter because it's a joint effort.

May I suggest counselling if he can be talked into going.

Its clear he is closed minded and see's creative advice as criticism... perhaps he can learn to listen and learn that not all advice has a negative conotation.

I mean seriously... 25 years of marriage and he still gets embarrassed about anything involving you? What's up with that. I can see that with newlyweds but not after that many years of marriage.

[Synnen]

Outside of the bedroom, sit down and talk.

If you know him well enough to know it won't go over well, then do it with a third party mediator--a counselor or therapist.

You're in a tough spot--if you tell him you're bored in bed, that's as intimidating as you being in charge.

The giggling thing would just drive me bonkers.

Talk to your doctor about referring you to a counselor that deals with sex problems,

[Catsmine]

May I suggest you check out a book called Topping from Below by Laura Reese. You'll have to wade through the kinky lifestyle stuff but the mindset explanations may be just what you need.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm more concerned about the rough spot when he became infatuated with another woman than I am with this question. How does that infatuation play into the rest of this?

[QLP]

I'm more concerned about the rough spot when he became infatuated with another woman than I am with this question. How does that infatuation play into the rest of this?

Long story but the reason I originally came on here a little while ago.
Here's the thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...nd-419892.html

He has now talked to me about how 'criticised' he was feelilng - and in fairness in frustration about various things I had become guilty of becoming critical. He came clean about how far things went -nothing physical happened between them but he did contact her and meet her and lie about it. He finally admitted, after a long time, that perhaps the way he acted towards her was out of order. He has promised no more contact as he says he understands it was undermining our relationship.
I must confess I haven't actually put that on the other post as I'm kind of making sure I feel confident it really is all over now...

It is all kind of connected but I'm having trouble joining the dots up properly. I mean I was always the strong sexy one and when I back off a bit he gets infatuated by a woman who was definitely a 'man-eater'. He was making inunedoes to this woman when he lacks sexual confidence like he was sort of 'trying it out'. I kind of see what was going on but no idea how to proceed. He is a lot more attentive to our relationship again which makes me think he has put this woman behind us, and things are better outside the bedroom. Maybe in time he will pull it together himself I don't know..

[JudyKayTee]

Wow - I see the other woman attraction and the current concern being connected. Now if I only had some good advice - !

[Cat1864]

From what you have written, being 'serious' about your personal sexual matters makes him embarrassed or defensive. I am going to suggest that you try to be more general. Talk about scenes in movies or books. Instead of saying 'I would like... ' or 'Wouldn't you like... ', try 'That looks like fun' or 'I wonder how they did that' as conversation starters.

If he has a problem talking about what he likes or feels criticized when you do, would it be an idea to write out what you both like? You might even think about instead of a list making it a story or fantasy to give him ideas.

[JudyKayTee]

I find sitting down and saying "this is how I feel; this is what I need; this is what I want/expect" works. If your husband shies away from such a conversation after all these years I'd be wondering why.

[QLP]

Thank you so much for all your replies and for giving me the chance to let me air my thoughts.

I have come to the conclusion that it's time to take the pressure off both of us and just forget about sex for the moment. If hubby moans he isn't getting any I'll tell him I'm open to being approached and leave it at that. If he says he wants a cuddle then we will have a cuddle. If he tries to turn the cuddle into the 'same old, same old' I will do whatever comes naturally to me at the time and if he feels intimidated I will say let's leave it for now but I'm happy to talk about this whenever you are ready.

If he suddenly pounces on me great. If not I'm going to concentrate on enjoying other things for the moment and give him some space. I intend to enjoy doing other non-sex stuff with him as well if he is up for it. I just booked us a couple of days away in the countryside for a bit of pampering, great food, change of scenery and a beautiful spot - if it lives up to the website lol. He is very pleased with this idea although it's a few weeks till we go.

Does this sound sensible for now just to give us both some time to relax a bit?

[QLP]

Time to resurrect this thread, hope you people don't mind, but I really am struggling to see the way forwards in this. (sexual frustration clouds the mind somewhat lol).

Ok, we had a trip away and both really enjoyed it. He bought champagne and made me a lovely CD of meaningful music that represented our life together. I was incredibly moved and very surprised. Sex didn't happen but it really didn't seem like a big deal at the time. We walked ourselves silly in the lovely countryside and stuffed ourselves on good food so it was relaxing and romantic but not sexual.

I have kept hoping since that he would instigate sex but it hasn't happened.

I did twice so that is the total of sexual encounters since.

The first time was nice but ended with me at the 'almost orgasm stage' which was rather frustrating. I asked him if he would like to hold me while I 'finished off'. (sorry if this is a bit graphic but it is relevant). He said he hadn't realised I hadn't reached orgasm and I tried to be very light and reassuring saying it can be hard to tell when it's close but no big deal. For a day or two afterwards he kept making jokes about it like it was some kind of big deal for him but not something he wanted to talk about properly.

The second time he went straight for the obvious erogenous zones and I wasn't really into it. However, I thought it shouldn't always be about what I want so I can go with the flow to let him enjoy things his way. I did however employ some self stimulation to help things along. Again there were some strange 'jokey' comments afterwards. He used to find me self pleasuring erotic, now I think he feels it is a suggestion he's not doing the job properly.

Since then I've been at a bit of a loss as to where to go next.

Then tonight he was reading the newspaper and started telling me about an article on the male menopause and how he thinks he has low testosterone. So I started taking an interest. He was OK talking about things like being tired, having poor concentration etc. Then he got to a bit where it said,'reduction in morning erections'. Now neither of us happen to be morning people so I really didn't know the score on this one, but when I asked if he normally has morning erections and if it has changed he suddenly went all 'jokey' again. I tried to say, 'look please don't be embarrassed, we can talk about this' but he changed the subject and started reading me another article on sport. Argh!

Later he came for a cuddle. He can be loving just not sexy. I tried to resurrect the conversation but he said, 'hey it was just a remark about a newspaper article and you made it into a big deal.'

So then the conversation went something like this:
Me:'well I'm kind of worried about our sex life, are you?'
HIm: 'yes'
Me:'but I don't know what to do because you don't seem to want to talk about it and if you don't approach me for sex either I don't know what's going on'
Him:'my skin is too sore right now' (he has eczema and something has set it off quite badly this week - what about the last few months?)
Me:'ok, so it's just bad luck that things happen that get in the way?'
Him:'don't you think people who drink get more sex?'
Me: 'huh?'
Him:'I bet most of the people we know get more sex because they are drunk. If you asked them how much they get sober I bet it wouldn't be much.'
(We both drink only occasionally,and he likes alcohol less than I do.)
Me: So you would like to get drunk or drink more?
Him: It's about being relaxed, I get tired and stressed, I need more attention.
Me: So what is it you would like to do?
Him: I respond OK when you offer sex don't I? I never turn you down. But you have turned me down.
(I have occaisionally said no, but it seems like literally years ago. And I have always said why, like not feeling well or something)
Me: Well it seems like a very long time ago, and a long time since you approached me.
Him: You been keeping count?
Me: I'm really not trying to attack you in any way I just want us to be able to talk about this.
Him: no point talking about it because you talk about a load of crap
Me: what do you mean crap
Him: Like you want me to read sex manuals or tell me what to do, don't you think by now I ought to know what I'm doing?

This is because at one time I bought some books, thinking it would give us some ideas, and help us communicate, but he took it as criticism, like he needs instructions because he's not doing it right.
This is the worst thing, unless I act as though everything is perfect every time he feels criticised. If I try to find a constructive way to deal with it this is always seen as me attacking him. If I do nothing there's no sex and no discussion. Counselling doesn't seem to be an option because he sees it all as my fault. I do know that at times I have probably put too much pressure on but I can't take that back now so what the heck do I do next?

Any advice, apart from stocking up on batteries or risking carpel-tunnel syndrome :P?

[Cat1864]

Just for a beginning point (I am still trying to think about the rest of your post): Is there anyway to get him to go for a full check up? It sounds like he is worried about his health.

[QLP]

Just for a beginning point (I am still trying to think about the rest of your post): Is there anyway to get him to go for a full check up? It sounds like he is worried about his health.

Well he says if his eczema doesn't settle down in the next few days he will make a doctors appontment. I can try and suggest he chats about his general health and maybe the male menopause thing but I really have doubts as to whether he will do so and if he will take it as more pressure..

[Gemini54]

Sex in long term relationships can be a huge challenge.

I know that you're feeling dissatisfied, and I suspect that this is introducing an element of defensiveness on your husband's part, and also a feeling of self consciousnesses each time you have sex.

Men are sensitive creatures. He probably feels that nothing he does will be right, so he does nothing. You, on the other hand, want him to do something, but when he does it you get all analytical about it.

I don't know that I can offer any definitive 'solution' but perhaps these suggestions from my own experiences as an 'older' woman in a long term relationship might help?

Try not to analyze each sexual encounter - I know it's hard, but if it's less than satisfactory, try not to 'judge' it or rate it. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it could be better. Try to be OK with both.

By all means talk about sex, but perhaps with the emphasis on what you enjoy - not on how worried you are about your sex life. Talking about your sexual relationship has sent him into his 'cave', so don't talk about it for a while. Let's face it - you actually don't think he's doing 'the job' properly and that's what he is reacting to!

Enjoy your relationship and back off from being the controller or initiator. Allow him to do things for you - outside the bedroom. This may mean that you won't have sex for a while - it's not the end of the world is it if you don't have sex for a little while?

Accept that his sexuality is different to yours - you've tried everything (books, talking, seduction, etc, etc and essentially very little has changed. It won't change now because he's feeling under attack and unless he stops feeling defensive he's not going to do anything at all.

Going away on a trip was a great idea - I'd suggest that you continue to reestablish your emotional connection, rebuild your friendship and enjoy each other as people.

Sex is not the only issue in your relationship. Your insecurities and fears (which are warranted, given what previously happened) might just need to be tempered a little.

Give him credit for what he's doing and for who he is, and try to relax, if you can.

[QLP]

Sex in long term relationships can be a huge challenge.

I know that you're feeling dissatisfied, and I suspect that this is introducing an element of defensiveness on your husband's part, and also a feeling of self consciousnesses each time you have sex.

Men are sensitive creatures. He probably feels that nothing he does will be right, so he does nothing. You, on the other hand, want him to do something, but when he does it you get all analytical about it.

I don't know that I can offer any definitive 'solution' but perhaps these suggestions from my own experiences as an 'older' woman in a long term relationship might help?

Try not to analyze each sexual encounter - I know it's hard, but if it's less than satisfactory, try not to 'judge' it or rate it. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it could be better. Try to be OK with both.

By all means talk about sex, but perhaps with the emphasis on what you enjoy - not on how worried you are about your sex life. Talking about your sexual relationship has sent him into his 'cave', so don't talk about it for a while. Let's face it - you actually don't think he's doing 'the job' properly and that's what he is reacting to!

Enjoy your relationship and back off from being the controller or initiator. Allow him to do things for you - outside the bedroom. This may mean that you won't have sex for a while - it's not the end of the world is it if you don't have sex for a little while?

Accept that his sexuality is different to yours - you've tried everything (books, talking, seduction, etc, etc and essentially very little has changed. It won't change now because he's feeling under attack and unless he stops feeling defensive he's not going to do anything at all.

Going away on a trip was a great idea - I'd suggest that you continue to reestablish your emotional connection, rebuild your friendship and enjoy each other as people.

Sex is not the only issue in your relationship. Your insecurities and fears (which are warranted, given what previously happened) might just need to be tempered a little.

Give him credit for what he's doing and for who he is, and try to relax, if you can.

Thank you for that, there is a lot of sense in what you say and I can relate to it very well.

There's just a couple of things..

I do always try to give him credit for things he does well, whether in or out of the bedroom, but he doesn't accept praise vey well. He gets sort of embarrassed by it. Persevere with this or shut up?

I wouldn't make any negative comments about sex we have just had or openly analyse it with him afterwards. Not sure how to switch the thoughts off though. But I might start trying to suggest/ask for/steer sex in a certain direction, during, but he doesn't want any input, he thinks he should know what to do. I did keep quiet for a long time but I just wanted it to be better, for both of us. I do ask what he would like and he started to respond a little but I know he finds it hard. I'll admit I found it a bit frustrating that I kept asking him, and when he did manage to be brave enough to ask for stuff he found it very satisfying, but he never asked in return.

I did consider that just leaving the sex alone was a good idea but every so often he makes a little comment himself. Something like, 'x was going on about his sex-life but I can't remember what that's like.' Then I feel lilke I'm being criticised for not providing enough sex. Also on one occaision he realised I had been going solo with a sex-toy and he seemed rather upset by this, yet readily admits he masturbates.

[Gemini54]

Thankyou for that, there is a lot of sense in what you say and I can relate to it very well.

There's just a couple of things..

I do always try to give him credit for things he does well, whether in or out of the bedroom, but he doesn't accept praise vey well. He gets sort of embarrased by it. Persevere with this or shut up?

I wouldn't make any negative comments about sex we have just had or openly analyse it with him afterwards. Not sure how to switch the thoughts off though. But I might start trying to suggest/ask for/steer sex in a certain direction, during, but he doesn't want any input, he thinks he should know what to do. I did keep quiet for a long time but I just wanted it to be better, for both of us. I do ask what he would like and he started to respond a little but I know he finds it hard. I'll admit I found it a bit frustrating that I kept asking him, and when he did manage to be brave enough to ask for stuff he found it very satisfying, but he never asked in return.

I did consider that just leaving the sex alone was a good idea but every so often he makes a little comment himself. Something like, 'x was going on about his sex-life but I can't remember what that's like.' Then I feel lilke I'm being criticised for not providing enough sex. Also on one occaision he realised I had been going solo with a sex-toy and he seemed rather upset by this, yet readily admits he masturbates.

I reckon persevere with the praise, just don't overdo it... my hubby really likes me to comment on the small things - I find that being positive with each other rather than praising each other really helps keep things open between us.

I wasn't suggesting that you were directly negative or analytical with him about sex - I was suggesting that's how you are in your head. But - it's a difficult thing to switch off - being conscious of the thoughts is a first step - trying NOT to think is the next step. It's a sort of mediation technique.

I can see that he's actually trying to make you responsible for sex because he doesn't want to take responsibility (Why should he? In the end you give in and do the work) - so, just laugh next time he makes a comment about not having enough sex and jokingly ask him what he's going to do about it.

Keep masturbating, if he gets upset let him know you didn't want to pressure him and ask him if he wants to join you. Perhaps don't masturbate TOO obviously?

I think that what's happening inside the bedroom is just a reflection of the push-pull that's happening outside the bedroom. He feels that his masculinity is in question.

[QLP]

I reckon persevere with the praise, just don't overdo it ... my hubby really likes me to comment on the small things - I find that being positive with each other rather than praising each other really helps keep things open between us.

I wasn't suggesting that you were directly negative or analytical with him about sex - I was suggesting that's how you are in your head. But - it's a difficult thing to switch off - being conscious of the thoughts is a first step - trying NOT to think is the next step. It's a sort of mediation technique.

I can see that he's actually trying to make you responsible for sex because he doesn't want to take responsibility (Why should he? In the end you give in and do the work) - so, just laugh next time he makes a comment about not having enough sex and jokingly ask him what he's going to do about it.

Keep masturbating, if he gets upset let him know you didn't want to pressure him and ask him if he wants to join you. Perhaps don't masturbate TOO obviously?

I think that what's happening inside the bedroom is just a reflection of the push-pull that's happening outside the bedroom. He feels that his masculinity is in question.

I think you have it all right there. Thank you again. You just reminded me of a couple of other things that happened recently.

A couple of weeks ago I was lying on the sofa reading whilst he was watching TV. He came over and started kissing me. Things started getting passionate. Then he suddenly said, 'naughty girl stop that, my film's starting'. Then he left me high and dry and went back to the Tv.

Then yesterday I told him I had some cream upstairs that would probably help his eczema and asked him to come up and look. He said, 'you're only after my body aren't you.'

It's like he is trying to define me as the sexual aggressor and push me into that role. So the thing is I respond and the games continue or I don't and then he can get all defensive that I'm turning him down.

As for the masturbating, I don't make it obvious, he caught me cleaning a sex-toy, yes I did actually feel caught out...

This feels like war not love but every time I think I've got a handle on it he ups the stakes. I mean I was trying the 'cool it, concentrate on other stuff not sex', tack but then these tactics leave me wrong-footed.

I manage to pull off a cease-fire for a time but I don't know how to bring closure to the war...

[Gemini54]

I think you have it all right there. Thankyou again. You just reminded me of a couple of other things that happened recently.

A couple of weeks ago I was lying on the sofa reading whilst he was watching TV. He came over and started kissing me. Things started getting passionate. Then he suddenly said, 'naughty girl stop that, my film's starting'. Then he left me high and dry and went back to the Tv.

Then yesterday I told him I had some cream upstairs that would probably help his eczema and asked him to come up and look. He said, 'you're only after my body aren't you.'

It's like he is trying to define me as the sexual aggressor and push me into that role. So the thing is I respond and the games continue or I don't and then he can get all defensive that I'm turning him down.

As for the masturbating, I don't make it obvious, he caught me cleaning a sex-toy, yes I did actually feel caught out...

This feels like war not love but every time I think I've got a handle on it he ups the stakes. I mean I was trying the 'cool it, concentrate on other stuff not sex', tack but then these tactics leave me wrong-footed.

I manage to pull off a cease-fire for a time but I don't know how to bring closure to the war...

I get what you're saying, and I honestly don't know what the answer is either.

Clearly he's trying to control what happens between you sexually, because despite what they say, men like to take the initiative. They do.

Hence the scenario where he leaves you high and dry - it's that old push-pull again. If any woman did it they would call her a 'cock-teaser'. (A derogatory Australian expression.)

War only happens if two parties are involved. So stop playing and see what happens. Leave him feeling defensive. Less is more, if you know what I mean. Don't try and make it better for him or explain yourself. Be loving and supportive but be totally non-committal if he starts doing the 'poor me' thing. It's his stuff, he needs to own it.

May I suggest a book that was really helpful for me?
Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch.

I don't think there is an easy answer, but you're the one feeling 'battered', so maybe take the focus off your feelings, sex and your husband's reactions and put the focus on other parts of your life for a while?