[amicon]

He's lost a job because of his drinking,he seems unable to stick to anything for any length of time- these are major red flags.

Don't hang around waiting for him to make his mind up-get on with living your own life and stop trying to secondguess his thinking.

Go no contact and leave him to sort out his own problems

You deserve a lot better than this.

[Rhia1978]

But I so love him and have gotten so used to having him around. I really want to give him the chance to mend his ways. I never wanted to end things this way. I know everyone says he's not good for me. But I am happy with him... doesn't that count for anything?


And yes... no matter how tough it's for me I will not contact him till he contacts me. But I am setting a deadline of 2 weeks though... cannot be in limbo forever...

[amicon]

Limbo is not a good place to be-I wouldn't even give him two weeks.
Act as if you are broken up,accept the heartbreak and start the healing process.

Once you get past the emotional confusion you'll probably realise that this relationship has run its course.

[Rhia1978]

He has just texted. No terms of endearment... just my name and told me if he wires the money through then can I mail his stuff out.

When I asked whether he has thought at all he says he will let me know by another couple of days.

I am in really bad shape... can somebody help pleaaaassseee!!


Never mind people I just set him free... strange feeling... very sad but feeling light. I hope one day he realises what he lost. Thanks for all your advise. I tried to make a miracle happen and failed.

[amicon]

Making that decision sets you free to be you again.
Be your own miracle.
Good luck and take care.

[Rhia1978]

My boyfriend will probably split up with me. He had asked till today for ‘space to think’. When we spoke y’day it unintentionally (swear on god it wasn’t planned) slipped out that my flatmate had hit on me a couple of weeks when our troubles had started. Now my boyfriend doesn’t like my flatmate because he has had one girl around every week when we were living in and because he had tried to cause rifts between us many a times. But we never allowed him to succeed with it. We kept him on as a flatmate since otherwise he was very handy round the house and good with his payments.

Now when it slipped out he flew off the handle and told me he would call me back later. Even before I could say anything he hung up and as I found out later blasted my flatmate. He had rung him and when he didn’t pickup he left a terrible message full of expletives and then sent quite a few messages to him as well. My flatmate told me this later when he read these out to me.

Now when my flatmate had hit on me I had nipped it in the bud. My boyfriend knows I am a one man person and trusts me so when I told him this he completely believed me. So there are no issues there.

He had earlier told me that he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. He had also mentioned that maybe we should take a break and I should see other people.

So what is this? Does this mean he still has feelings that he himself didn’t realise? And does this indicate a change in him and we might not split up?

[rosemcs]

I would just leave him alone and worry about other things. He seems to be indecisive at this point, which usually means it's over. You don't have to wait for him to tell you how he is going to determine the relationship.

He said he is not in love with you, but still finds it possible to care about you as a person. In other words, he is fond of you, as a person would be a friend, but not a lover.

[Rhia1978]

Then why is did he get so angry when he found out that my flatmate tried to hit on me.. If he only loves me as a friend.. what's the issue then? My flatmate played me his message and read out his texts and they were very very angry ones.

[rosemcs]

He told you he is not in love with you and thinks you need space, that's all you need to know.

He can still be jealous. Jealousy and curiousity about what you might be doing can last for a while, but he has already said he doesn't want to be with you. He may be happy if you belong to no one, while he goes his own way and does his own stuff.

I believe it's over. If you don't believe me, go no contact and see if he calls you to pursue a relationship. Then, it will be very clear.

[Rhia1978]

He hasn't told me that he doesn't want to be with me…not in those words. He also did tell me that he loved me…doesn't that count for anything…only the fact that he isn't 'in love' with me is all that I should take into account? I am expecting a call from him today according to what he told me earlier.

He found out last Sunday that one of his closest and oldest mates had told me about his flaws and he was angry but not at me. He felt betrayed and actually spoke to his friend finally y'day and discussed if these really were problems with him. His flaws being he is overly negative and ends up messing up the positives in his life. His friend told him that he was surely negative to the point of being self-destructive…and the reason this friend was so sure was because he himself is like that and so recognises this in him too. This friend has known him since he was 14 and is almost a father figure who coached and played cricket with him. My boyfriend pays a lot of attention what this friend tells him. He also mentioned to this friend that he was furious about my flatmate but knew that from end there was nothing. His friend picked up on the jealousy. Mind you there was no discussion about me... except for his friend telling him that I was very distressed. His friend told me not to expect an answer from him today because he could make out he was still thoroughly confused.

His self-esteem is at an all time low because he lost his job last year and had to go back to his hometown where he is working but the job's not good at all. He feels that he is good at nothing and so surely the relationship too won't work. I spoke to an online support service y'day and they told me exactly what others have told me…he doesn't know what he wants. He has told me clearly that he is scared he will hurt me in the future but that's based on his experience in his last relationship.

I went to a counsellor y'day and told him of it. He rang me later and asked me what she had said and I mentioned that she told me we had communication issues which can easily be rectified. And yes we both had addictions out of which I have kicked my habit and been clean for over 2 months now. He has told me that my habit was the only cause for his sudden decision that it might not work between us in the future. Now he knows that I had treated my overseas trip as rehab and kicked the habit. That's when he started having doubts about his decision – that even though at one point he was certain things weren't going to work he was having second thoughts and wasn't so sure anymore after I had told him of my intentions. Since then he has kept asking me for time to think.

I am not going to contact him of course as you told me and as I know I shouldn't do. I just love him heaps and I don't want him to punish us because of his job stress.

[rosemcs]

It's tough, but your last sentence is perfect and puts it all into the clear perspective that you DO have. You can't fix other people's problems and if they ask for their space, then give them their space. It would benefit you to read other issues like yours in the Relationship section. Then, you will see that you are not alone when it comes to confusion, and how no contact can make your mind clear.

[Rhia1978]

See but the problem's that his friend told me that when he is left alone he makes all the wrong decisions. Which I have seen him doing in the past. So I am scared that they more space I give him the more he will overanalyse and take the wrong turn. I just wish he would listen to me and attend couples therapy so we can talk it out in from of a professional. He made this decision that he doesn't reckon it will work when I wasn't even there in person. He never sat me down and expressed his doubts. His parents have told me that whenever they ask him about anything and especially about me he doesn't want to talk about it. It's good to see that at least now he's talking to this friend of his. His other good friends have also been left out in the dark :(

[rosemcs]

This is very common. It is not common for a man to give the exact reasons and doubts as to why he wants to break up. I really encourage you to read the Relationship Section.

You can't convince a person to have a relationship with you. When you get to that point, it's over. (Christian Carter, author of Catch Him and Keep Him).

[mafiaangel180]

Once they say they need space, it's pretty much over. Give him all the space he wants. Plus why would you want someone who wasn't in love with you?

[amicon]

You've managed to free yourself from your addiction-well done,stay that way.

Your relationship has,going through your previous posts,been on the rocks since last fall.

It doesn't matter how much you try to overanalyze his saying or doing this,that or the other, accept that what you had was a nonworking toxic relationship without proper communication.

Time to accept this and move on.

Stay single and get to know who you are and what you need in your life.

[missjuliagulia89]

I wrote a poem two months ago about how I felt with my boyfriend, tell me if this is similar to your case.
I trust you

I know you care about me

But when you say you love me

Then Why do you not comfort me when I'm sad?

Why when I bend for you ,

You don't bend back

Our biggest problem is communication

I spill out my feelings

And you just sit there brain dead with no opinions

At this point of my life I'm looking for a commitment that will go somewhere

Not someone that, even though they won't cheat or use me

Shows no compassion, empathy , or communication

I need someone I can talk to

I need someone that will want to make the effort

We are two different people

And I tried to compromise to make things work

But that still doesn't work for you

All you can do is push me away from showing me your feelings

And it hurts

Because you know all of mine

You know I go all the way 100% for you

It's just not the same back

And I don't know how much longer I can take of this

One sided communication runway

[Pinkie_Roxeee]

This is happening to me guys... but we have had a very short relationship when we fell for each other so quickly and became so attached.. then now he's insisting that it's not going to work out! I tried hardly to work it out but with no use.. . he says he loves me and worships me but he's lost and that he doesn't want to see me hurt because he thinks he's a bad person who drinks and talk to girls at clubs and so.. . What should I do? We are now talking as Friends because I told him I can't imagine my life without him at least as a Friend! I love him more than anything plus he's my first love!

[vanheart]

Think about this:

"Even though I didn't love him at that time"

"A week before I left he lost his job cos of his drinking habit"

"Most of my friends have said he’s a creep"

"man with a very pessimistic outlook"

Hey, long distance is hard enough. But with him its impossible.

Not sure why you dug this guy so much. Hes incapable.

You didn't fail, just learned.

Never speak to him again. There's together ones out there. You first.

[chinahead]

Hi Rhia,
I am in a relationship with a woman, I am a woman, and your situation sounds identical to mine, except that Ive been in this one for 11 years. I can tell you, that some types of people are just afraid, or incapable of touching and giving compliments, and in my situation she demonstrates all these things I want for myself, only she does it to and for the dogs, and any animal. This says to me that she feels threathened or afraid, or vunerable to express emotion to me. When she drinks, she is better able to cut loose with emotions. Like you said, after a conversation, and reminders you want more attention, it is good for a day or so, then it goes back to the same ol thing. Myn partner will NOT go to counseling as she says she is very private, and evidently she doesn't care about the relationship enough to try counseling. After all this time, of trying to get what I want, and trying to be self approving and not needy, it still doesn't happen. Stress is an OK excuse for shutting down, but so much of life is stressful, that it seems that a partners should be there for each other when they need support and are under stress, so I don't think you can write off a non affectionate person just because of stress. I also had a mother who didn't praise me or be affectionate or tell me she loved me, so I have the same issue you do. I also lay in bed and wait. Its horrifying and very very lonely.
Im coming to terms with absence being a good way to make the person fonder, or just look for someone you are a match to more. It is out there. Im telling myself the same thing. I am 63, so hesitant about leaving, but its painful to stay also. Don't wiat a long time, If it doesn't FEEL right, it Isn't right. Counseling probably won't help. If you are young, aren't married, get out, take what you've learned, and be careful who you choose next time. Communication STYLES and affection levels are very important. Since you are crying so much, get some help for yourself, but if your boyfriend isn't receptive to helping you feel better, he's just not right for you. Lucky you are realizing this now, and not in 11 years, at 63. Chinahead