[Rhia1978]

Hello all,

I have been seeing my boyfriend for over a year now. I am 31 and he is 28 years old. When we started we would love to make out.. and the foreplay was amazing. He told me he loved me and within a couple of months he moved in. We have done many things together and enjoy each others company. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary just a couple of weeks back but it has been a struggle for me for a while. From making out almost every night and mornings he told me he wasn't a morning person and so that went out of the window... the foreplay has become non-existent... and while around 3/4 months back we were making out 2/3 times a week... now it's maybe once a week. I don't feel as though we are making love anymore... but it's still fun. I have had chats with him about this and he says that we can have sex on the weekends... but I am not happy that it has to become a thing on the weekennd chores list. Why can't we have it spontaneously when we feel like it? The other problem is that it's always when he feels up to it... I never get it when I want it. He's always either tired from his sporting activities or watching a movie or simply sleepy. I had purchased all this lingerie that I used at the beginning of the relationship... but now I don't feel motivated enough to put them on because I am scared it will hurt more if I make the effort and he doesn't want anything still. I find it difficult to ejaculate since I have these thoughts in my head. I don't want us to have this talk frequently since I want him to show his attraction towards me... but I keep waiting and waiting and waiting... and then I just get exasperated and either cry or shout or simply shut him out. I want my boyfriend to show me he is attracted to me... to make me feel special... but it's not happening and it's eating me up. I have always been mindful of any issues that might be stressing him.. and I have reached such a deadend that I actually like it when I at least have an excuse to attribute his laziness and lack of enthusiasm to. So I do not pester him at all. But I am tired of initiating things... and I have made him aware of this. Even when we do have sex it's because I initiated it. Earlier at least when he would be drunk we would make out... now he would rather spend time on the computer when he's drinking. I don't want to leave him... but I am very stressed about this. I tried to talk to him just before joining this forum and he told me this is how he has been in his other relationships. Oh another thing I forgot to mention is that he never plans anything... I am always organising activities. I have made him aware of this. Every time we have a heart-to-heart conversation he does well the next day and then it's all downhill. I put in a lot and that's why this is so distressing for me. I helped him find a job... I write his applications, I cook and clean and iron his clothes... all he does is vacuum and I have to remind him about that too. I get him small gifts without occasion... but I never get anything. When I told him that he got me some roses for our anniversary... but that's the extent of his show of love. He says he's not good at expressing himself... but that excuse isn't cutting it anymore. He lacks drive and when anyone tries to guide him he geta defensive. I cannot remember the last time he complimented me... but the list of criticisms are growing. He even called my tears fake when he told me a few days before that that I don't show my vulnerability enough... and if only I did he would be much softer with me. I cannot cry easily and so when in pain I do and someone calls them fake, it hurts immensely. Now I know some of you will tell me to move on and make a change and leave him... but I really would plead for some consideration and kindness. I am very low and really need something positive and constructive to help me out of this hole. I so hope one of you can tell me something that will help ease the pain!

[talaniman]

The honeymoon is over, and the real work has started, and that's no fun. What else have you guys tried to build a relationship on besides the sex?? It sure isn't honest communications.

[Enigma1999]

Hello R,

Well it sounds to me that YOU are a great catch! What man wouldn't want someone like you... and although you really don't want people to tell you to move on, you might want to consider it.

Have you ever asked him about counseling? You mentioned that you got him a job, when did he start? He may be stressed out about that. It could be that everything is happening to fast for him. He might be stressed out about that.

Stress decreases the sex drive.

My advice to you is to arrange a time where he has your undivided attention, and really tell him that this is hurtful to you. Tell him everything you told us.. Counseling might be an option for you two.

He needs to take your feelings into consideration. Telling you that your tears are fake is not a good start.

I wish you luck my friend.

[Rhia1978]

I have always been honest with him. I met him for lunch and spoke to him and he mentioned that this was the exact problem he had with his ex girlfriend. They apparently tried sex toys but it didn't work. The issue is much deeper than that I fear... he is not good at showing affection and never says he loves me till I say it. But he has assured me time and time again that he loves me... just not good at expressing himself. Again this was an issue he had with his ex as well. But the difference between his ex and me is that he always mainteined he never saw a future with her where he does with us. Now I will try my best not to get frustrated over the low sex drive if he can show me the love. I have appealed to him to do that.. so let's see.

So what you say... I understand... but I have to say we have always been honest and open in our communications. We dated for a while before even getting intimate and even then I moved to a different city and we had to continue on a long distance relationship. If our relationship was purely based on sex... am sure we wouldn't have been able to cope with the distance. But we did and every evening our chats were probably even better than sex itself. I just mentioned about about our early sex life to explain that he was pretty into me at one point... but of late it has fizzled out... just the sex I mean. And that's what is bothering me... when everything else is fine... oh yes he working on expressing himself better but he's male and I accept that... I am wondering how it is possible that his sex drive has gone down so dramatically when we have grown closer than ever.

I wonder whether it has anything to do with stress. I have been reading a bit and it seems that can affect his libido. He has had a bit of a tough time getting a new job since he has moved to my city now. But he has settled into it well and he has had it for a while too. Also he has been recommended for a promotion so that ought to take some pressure off. But the pay's still a bit low and he does struggle a bit to make payments. But he doesn't struggle too much either. He does have quite a bit of savings in fact... a lot more than me... so it's not as though he doesn't have any money. He has started captaining a cricket team recently and has lost all the games and has also had a bit of an issue with the coach... but that only happened last Saturday and he resolved it y'day.

But if this new stress is to be blamed then how come his ex girlfriend had issues with him exactly the same way I have now? So I am confused... does he really have low sex drive or is it simply stress..

He said during our conversation that I might be making a big deal. For our sake I hope we are! But how can I then deal with these feelings of rejection and frustration that keep popping their ugly heads from time to time and result in us fighting over everything else... all the while this is the main issue.

I feel that he's not attracted to me anymore... and I worry how are we to manage if this is the state after one year. Of course it's affecting myself esteem as well. The worst thing is the waiting... I wait for a touch... I wait for a hug... I wait for him to initiate something. But he doesn't and I wake up in the morning seething and frustrated! And inevitably we end up having a tiff... doesn't seem to affect him... but my days are all black and blue :(

[Enigma1999]

Hello again R,

I really do believe that he is telling you the truth about it not having anything to do with you.. I do however think that this is your boyfriends issue that is turning into yours.

That's why I think he might need counseling. I think he should go a couple times with you and a couple by himself.. Also, I am not trying to say that there is anything wrong with him. He very well could have stress, trust, and relationships issues. By going to counseling, he/she can give him tools that will help guide him in the right direction. Also to make your relationship a success.

There is no shame going for counseling. Many people/couples do it. The fact that you guys have that communication is a great start, now just keep going. Good luck.

[Rhia1978]

Hello Enigma1999,

Yes things might be going a bit fast. We did move in very quickly but that was because we moved towns and didn't want to manage two different institutions... so it was more convenient for him to move in with me - I had all the furniture and appliances - so he didn't have to set up house and pay a bond etc. And since we are in a new and much bigger city we are experiencing a lot of new things.. we do have our occasional bouts of longing for our old city. So it is an adjustment phase for both of us - not only to a new city but of course to each other as well. Do you reckon I should cut him some slack? I don't want to be an ogre... I really do feel bad that I sometimes maybe ask for a lot. But I do put in a lot and expect only affection in return... to be made to feel special... that's all.

If the honeymoon indeed has ended... then I guess it's a normal thing - that's a good thought instead of worrying about whether he still is attracted to me or not.

When I met him for lunch today I did suggest counselling but we didn't delve into it too much.

And yes I have spoken to him about this at length. This is not the first time. He knows I am hurting. But he says he doesn't know what to do about it...

[Enigma1999]

Hello again R,

Okay, now its making more sense to me..

So both of you guys are experiencing new thing. New house, new city, moving in together, and new job for him. Well that is a lot going on for the both of you. That goes back to the whole stress factor. This could be a lot for him to take on all at once which could be causing him to have lots of stress. Even with the new promotion, the stress could be there. Lots of things cause stress, money, moving, careers, relationships, expences, family, so on and so forth.

It's not a matter of him feeling unattracted to you. I'm sure he is. I do think you should stop pressuring him into love making. That's only going to add more stress. Be patient with him. Do talk more about the counseling with him and encourage him to go.

Also, and I really never tell people about my personal experiences, but, I too was in a very similar situation the you are in. We did go to counseling and it really worked for us! That's why I feel very passionate about your post, because I really think it could happen for you guys as well. Good luck.

[Rhia1978]

And thank you to both of you for actually making me feel stronger :)

I do want a bit more input about my earlier question regarding his ex. If it happened then... then can I still attribute his lack of drive now to stress? Or does he really have an issue?

Should I get this worked up about his lack of attention and affection towards me? Or just try to adjust knowing it's just because he is incapable of expressing his feelings properly. So it doesn't mean he loves me any less..

Lastly... should I really suggest counselling now... or should I give us some more time... taking into account that this might be stress after all?

[Enigma1999]

Hello again R,

My advice to you is to arrange a time where the two of you can sit down, no TV, no music, just the two of you in quiet and discuss everything. Lay it all on the table. Try to get to the root of the problem. Explaining to him all of your concerns. The fact that you feel as if you contribute a lot more to the household. Iniciating love making, everything you told us, tell him. Maybe even setting up date nights. If that doesn't work, then that's where the counsleing might have to be discussed. Is your love strong enough to work it out? You need to figure out where he stands.

As far as the ex situation, again that goes back to what I said earlier about him possibly having realationship issues. That's also something you two should discuss.

[Rhia1978]

Hello again Enigma1999,

Stress... it is then! I must say I am under stress myself. My new job is promising but there are people I don't like and that stresses me. My best friend's been playing up and that has upset me. This is the first long term relationship I have had and I really don't want to mess it up. But since I have had bad experiences where I have given my bf's a lot of leeway and suffered in the end, I am so quick to react to anything that alarms me. I have bought a new house and am experiencing my first year of mortgage. And I have never shared my space with anyone else. Of course him being a boy he is a bit messy and I do find myself cleaning all the time... but I know that's a normal thing.

Thank you so much for making me feel better. The past few days I have been crying on and off and since he said my tears are fake I find it difficult to cry so he doesn't notice. I have never ever experienced such prolonged periods of crying ever... maximum a couple of minutes and I am fine. So this entire week of weeping has made me quite delicate. I even burst into tears on the train y'day... which stunned even me.

I have had a difficult childhood and never ever received much love and attention. So I always thought one day I would have someone who would fill that void. And of course I did stumble across people whi disappointed me... and that deepened the void. So when I met my boyfriend and slowly realised he wasn't like the others I thought he was my answer. But the lack of attention and affection and of course intimacy has made me feel immensely despondent about not only the relationship but about life itself. For the first time I actually lost all hope... I have always been a very positive person believing that I will survive and that whatever happens happens for the right reason... but his attitude, whether due to stress or not, has made me lose hope and I guess that's why I feel really sorry for myself... which I don't like feeling.

But thanks again for your kind words... it does mean a lot that someone could find the time to listen... I don't have anyone else to talk to... certainly not my best friend... and neither my mum.

[Rhia1978]

And yes I have taken your advise about counselling to heart and will surely resort to it if nothing else works :)

[Enigma1999]

Hello again R,

Not a problem! Glad to help, that's why we are here. I wish you luck!:) Check with your insurance company, to see if they cover counsleing. That way if they do, you could save a good chunk of change. This too shall pass. To be honest with you, he sounds like a good guy, he's just stuck in a funk.

[Jake2008]

While you feel he may be lacking in showing affection, and having a sex drive that is not what you thought it would be, he sounds like the type of man that expects you to just 'know' that he loves you, and you should be able to read his mind when you have doubts, or need reassurance.

In my marriage, I've had my doubts about whether my husband was even capable of showing emotion under any circumstances. While I was outgoing and the social events person like you, he was quite happy to sit back and enjoy all my work, but never passed a thank you my way.

If you keep giving him what he expects, why should he change. And, if you are both at loggerheads about who's needs are being met, then a counsellor is the answer in helping you each see eachothers point of view.

That is not to say he will change, or see things as you do. You may have yourself an honest man who loves you dearly, but just isn't comfortable expressing it. Is that so bad?

Trust that when he says he loves you, that he does. He may not show it per se, but if he is loyal and faithful, and wants a future with you, he likely means it.

As to sex. The bunny rabbit phase passes quickly for most I think. What was 2 or 3 times a day, turns into once a week, every other week, just on sunday's etc. You might try negotiating dates and times- get creative and get out the frillies. The anticipation may just get him more involved again. Especially if its something he's agreed to.

But above all else, I'd focus more on who he is, than what he says. More on the essence of him, rather than how he displays himself, and ease up on your expectations. Not that they aren't reasonable, but it isn't getting you anywhere, and it's time to take a different approach.

Part of his worries may be that he doesn't think he can live up to your expectations, as reasonable as they are to you, it could be creating stress for him.

[Rhia1978]

Thanks for that Jake... I do realise I need to ease up on my expectations. I am trying but it does get to me from time to time.

He knows I am in quite a bit of pain and he still carries on as though nothing has happened. I noticed his Facebook status... just a couple of hours ago he posted it. This was after our chat and after I had told him I am going home from work because I cannot stand being a mess in public. So I wonder what kind of a heartless person doesn't even think that his girlfriend is in a bit of pain but acts as though nothing has ever happened.

I need to back off... but I am a giving person and it hurts when I have to curb that part of my nature. It almost feels that I am playing games to earn his attention and affection.

[Jake2008]

Thanks for that Jake...I do realise I need to ease up on my expectations. I am trying but it does get to me from time to time.

He knows I am in quite a bit of pain and he still carries on as though nothing has happened. I noticed his facebook status...just a couple of hours ago he posted it. This was after our chat and after I had told him I am going home from work cos I cannot stand being a mess in public. So I wonder what kind of a heartless person doesn't even think that his gf is in a bit of pain but acts as though nothing has ever happened.

I need to back off...but I am a giving person and it hurts when I have to curb that part of my nature. It almost feels that I am playing games to earn his attention and affection.

It would get to me to, and has gotten to me over the years.

I think sometimes, some men just can't express what they feel. Maybe it is the way they were raised (not to be sissies and cry etc.), so they learn quite effectively how to stuff their feelings. Not the same as saying they don't understand, they just don't always have the skills to express themselves.

I can say my husband has come a long way over the years, but it has taken years. He has surprised me though, many times. When I didn't think he understood, and I was really ticked that he seemed so cold, he'd come out with a few words, and I knew that he got it.

One of the biggest things I think is just acknowledging what you are going through, or feeling, even if it is not understood. What's the harm in saying, "you've had a rough day, let me get you a cup of tea". I don't think the pp would fall off do you?

Hang in there. Try to get him to counselling. Maybe try writing out your thoughts and feelings in letters and leave them for him to read. Try to do more fun things together, and get out of the house and enjoy a nice walk without even having to talk. See a movie, share a fondue together, rent some movies.

I really hope he starts to turn around. Like I said, maybe he just doesn't know how.

[talaniman]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for over a year now

Takes longer than a year to really know someone. Takes longer than that to develop to the point of actually learning how to deal with what your finding out about them, and developing good communications.

It takes longer than a year to accept them for who they are and show them who we are.

In short, reality will either make you grow together, or apart. While your learning about him, your really learning about yourself.

That's why you need patience with him, and yourself, just to process the facts in front of your face, and figure out how to deal with them, so does he.

When the honeymoon is over, the real work begins.

[Rhia1978]

Thanks Jake & thanks talaniman :)

Your words make me feel much more positive and optimistic. He came home at 5 in the morning today having spent the entire time drinking with a friend. He probably won't make it into work and wonder how his friend will but that's their problem really. Anyway I hope to have an honest chat with him as you suggested. I just hate it when he gets defensive and then I get exhausted repeating and explaining why I said this and why I said that. He is not going to be very well either today and he has cricket practice. So don't know whether I should really try and find some of his time or just wait till he wants to talk. I think the latter's a better idea. In any case I am sleep deprived myself - couldn't sleep wondering where he was. He has had accidents in the past when he has gone drinking and I once even received a call from a hospital where he was ambulanced off to when he impaled himself on a fence. So naturally I do worry that he might do some harm. Hence, couldn't sleep... and my head hurts terribly. So I think I might give myself a bit of a rest as well.

I hope he does find some time for me so I can talk to him.

[talaniman]

Pick your spots, and your battles carefully. A drunk is bad news.

[Rhia1978]

Oh dear! Thanks for the heads up talaniman...

[Rhia1978]

My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost a year. He chased me, professed his love to me and moved cities to be with me. Even though I didn't love him at that time I slowly fell in love with him and now he is making me very sad.

I went overseas recently but things were fine before that. He sent me emails telling me how much he missed me and even rang my home number even before the plane had touched down. My mum told me this.

A week before I left he lost his job because of his drinking habit and then messed up interviews by walking in with chewing gum in his mouth. He had told me then that if he didn't find a job soon he would go back to his hometown for a few weeks. I was fine with that.

Since he didn't land anything he went back while I was still overseas. He told me then that he'll stay on there and I still said nothing because his hometown's my hometown too and I had told him ages ago that I wanted to move back. We discussed that till I moved back he would visit and I would visit. So there were no issues there. I wanted his bruised ego to mend and wanted him to find his footing again in his comfort zone.

We were fine albeit not talking very regularly. He even wished me very nicely on new years eve. Then I detected a certain coldness and when I asked him he said ‘I missed you when you left but not anymore which is bad. I still care for you enormously as a friend not as a bf’.

I was shocked and spoke to him briefly during which I reminded him that he said he loved me and he said 'People fall in and out of love all the time'. We decided to speak properly later.

When we spoke later he said he felt it wasn't going to work out because he was in exactly the same situation with his ex after a year and then he ended up hurting her and wasting another year of her life. I told him not to compare 2 relationships and 2 people. He told me that he was going to visit me for a weekend as we had discussed before and see how he felt but since I had prodded him he said it now. He agreed that seeing me might make him feel differently. I asked him how he could have changed in a couple of weeks and he said that we had issues from earlier - that we fought.

I reminded him how much external stress we had placed on our young relationship-job stress,flatmates trying to cause rifts,us sharing our personal space which for me is the first time. He agreed to that. Soon after he texted me and said 'this time last week I was certain it won't work but now I am having 2nd thoughts'. Since then he has maintained that he needs time to think. Obviously since I have been very anxious not having expected this I have gotten panicky and contacted him when it got tough. I tried to give gaps of days. My texts were only to remind him of how we were and what we were like together. I never got angry or blasted him.

Once I came back from overseas I saw that he had texted me hoping I had reached home safe. I told him that the room still had his smell in it and that I missed him terribly. We spoke for a long time later that night and the conversation started very promising... and I thought this was it... we were on the mend. But then he again started like a broken record that it wasn't going to work since he loved me but wasn't in love with me. What does this mean? I think it's one and the same. And to me the difference is that people are in love in the first year when everything's exciting and then it calms down to the real deal and it's merely love. I have told him in my own way that the honeymoon's over and the hard work had started. Asked him if he was going to run away when it got to this? The reason I asked him this is because he does this in every aspect of his life - his cricket, his career... as soon as the going gets tough he runs away.

Anyway during the conversation he also suggested that we should take a break and that I should see other people. I asked him if he wanted to see other people and he said no. He reminded me how when I had planned to move to this new city one of the reasons was to meet men. But that was before I had met him and we were together. I told him how cruel it was that he could think of someone else touching me. Do you think he said this so I could meet someone and forget him?

He told me that his ex had cheated on him 6 months into the relationship and from that moment he didn't love her. When he said this I asked how then could he compare that relationship with ours when nothing of that sort had happened to kill our relationship. He said nothing.

I cried and he begged me not to cry... he has always said that he melts when I cry because I have never ever shed crocodile tears so he knows I am in real pain.

At the end of the conversation I asked him if we were in a relationship and he said for the night we were and then we would see.

The next day I didn't contact him at all but had to vent on my Facebook. I had changed my status to single earlier when he had told me of his intentions while I was overseas. But he had kept his on a relationship. The next morning he rang and asked me why I had slagged him on Facebook. He asked me if I was drunk and I took the opportunity and said yes. He was fine then because he said 'thats fine then because people say things they don't mean when they are drunk'. I had drunk a bit but I was certainly not tipsy - but I was scared and agreed - was merely a white lie to ensure nothing else pushed him away.

Then I noticed that he had deleted me off Facebook. I asked him to ring immediately and he did. When I asked he said that he was getting upset reading my status updates and so had deleted me off his list. I asked him 'does this mean you have deleted me from your life?' and he said 'why do we need a Facebook relationship when we have a real one?'.

At this point I told him that all the times when I have mentioned his negativity and self-destructive nature - they were not my words. That a friend of his had told me these things about him and had told me that he overanalyses things so much that he ruins everything. I told him that that's why I was fighting so hard to stop him from ruining our relationship just because other things haven't gone to plan - 2009 was a terrible year professionally for him and I know he is suffering from very low self esteem.

He asked me who it was but I wouldn't tell him.

I called this friend to warn him that he might contact him and he said Matt had already contacted him and that he had accepted every word I said he had said. I was glad because this meant Matt knew that I wasn't saying one untrue word and that someone else had noticed these characteristics about him.

Later that day I sent him a couple of small texts telling him that I loved him. Then I rang him and he said he would call me back. Which he did immediately. He told me he knew who it was and that he was angry that he had told and not him. He said he wasn't angry at me at all. When I mentioned that I wasn't eating much he said softly 'and you say I am self-destructive'? When I asked him where we stand he got a bit worked up and said.. 'you are not giving me the space to think'. So I told him he can have his space but to remember that someone was waiting for an answer. I also asked him if space meant he was going to see others and he said no... then maybe.

I know he is not the cheating kind. A lot of my friends have asked if there's another girl and I have asked him only once. He has said no. I believe him.

I have spoken to his friend and he said that Matt sent him a text before our conversation demanding to know why he had to discuss his flaws with his 'ex-girlfriend'. But this was before our last conversation and he is sure it was in a moment of anger. What do you think?

This friend of over 15 years who is far older than him and has coached and played with him in cricket says he is self-destructive, forms an opinion and won’t listen to anyone, dwells on negative things too much and messes up the positives. He says if he is left alone he thinks of all kinds of wrong things and that he has done this repeatedly with his cricket or would have been far more successful. I think this might have something to do with the fact that he keeps trying to make a mountain of a molehill.

I have spoken to his dad hoping Matt will at least listen to him. He told me they had no idea all this had happened... they didn't even know he was back in town till he landed up at his bother's farm. Every time they asked him about anything and especially about me he would say 'I don't want to speak about it'. His dad said they knew he had an alcohol issue for 2/3 years but since they hadn't heard anything the last year and a half they had assumed it was under control. I told him that Matt had warned me not to tell them. He has assured me that he will speak to Matt but won't divulge I had called. He said it would take a bit of time because he needed to do it naturally.

He is shutting everyone one out and not listening to anyone.

I haven't contacted him because I have promised to give him the space. All his stuff's still here - I have no intentions of damaging anything. Have merely put them in a corner of the garage so I don't have to look at them.

Most of my friends have said he’s a creep and doesn’t deserve me and I should move on. But I really love him and don’t know what has changed this lovely man. I have suggested couples therapy and he is not too keen since we are in different cities. Yes I have begged since I don’t think there’s any ego in love. I cannot accept that he doesn’t love me anymore since he is not known for being so whimsical.

I have cooked, cleaned, washed, ironed and even done his job applications for him. I so love him for what he is.. and that's a nice man with a very pessimistic outlook. I cannot accept that he has taken this decision by himself sitting all alone... without even discussing things normally and resorting to some counselling. I don't think fighting is weird in relationship.

Do you think that he is asking for this space merely to bide time because he's scared for my sake or is he genuinely thinking. In my heart I know he loves me but is doing what he does best - looking at all negatives and ruining a perfectly fine relationship.

Please please someone tell me what is happening here. I am missing him so much and have told him that every relationship deserves a second chance..