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joe1213 · Dec 30, 2009, 07:54 PM

I like this girl I work with me and her have know each other for 6 months now she has a boyfriend that she has dated for 5 months and I have a girlfriend that I have dated for 2 years on and off so more like 1 year me and my girlfriend agrue all the time over anything she nevers wants to go to church with me now the girl from work she goes to my church I never new she did and she has been going since I have. She sits 3 rows in front of me and I never new that. She and I have gone to breakfast and to lunch she texts me all the time and even sometimes calls me I really like her I just don't know what to do. My girlfriend can be a and then when I go to work I see her and me and her just smile.

rosemcs · Dec 30, 2009, 09:06 PM

I think you know what you want to do, you just need the guts to do it--ask her out and if she likes you, she will make it work and have to choose to end her other relationship. It also sounds like you already wish your own relationship with your girlfriend is over anyway.

If you have already gone to a few meals with her, you have already gotten to know each other a bit, so, really, it's your choice to pursue her at this point.

Did you say that you work with her? If so, that would be very difficult if anything happened and you had to continue working together, so maybe you can weigh how much you really want this relationship.

jmjoseph · Dec 30, 2009, 09:31 PM

Be respectful of the others in your lives. You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, do you?

As long as you both are in relationships, you do nothing.

If you both split up, go for it. She obviously likes you too. And church is a great start for having something in common.

hheath541 · Dec 30, 2009, 09:33 PM

She's in a relationship, which makes her OFF LIMITS!

The last thing you want is for her to end her current relationship to be with you. She could end up resenting you if things don't go well. You could end up spending all your time worried that she'll leave you to be with someone else.

As long as she's in a relationship, you can do NOTHING. Respect her enough to respect the fact that she's in a relationship with someone else.

rosemcs · Dec 30, 2009, 09:44 PM

They have already been going out to meals together and texting... so Joe, make up your mind what you want to do... if both of your relationships were good enough, you wouldn't be looking at someone else, would you?

hheath541 · Dec 30, 2009, 09:49 PM

Originally Posted by rosemcs

They have already been going out to meals together and texting...so Joe, make up your mind what you want to do...

That doesn't matter. As long as at least one of them is in a relationship with someone else, he has NO right pursue one with her. He needs to respect himself, and everyone else involved, enough to respect that fact that that are both in relationships.

Now, since he clearly has feelings for someone else, he needs to end things with his current girlfriend. It's not fair to either of them for him to let the relationship continue when he has feelings for another girl.

Maybe that will be the push this girl needs to become single, herself. Maybe not. Regardless, he needs to wait for her to be single before actively pursuing her.

rosemcs · Dec 30, 2009, 09:52 PM

I agree that he needs to end his relationship, but a girl can be pursued when in a relationship that is not a marriage. It's then up to her if she wants to reciprocate and end things on her side. It's actually very fun. I'm sorry if you have never experienced that.

Your way is great too, there are a few ways to go about it.

HistorianChick · Dec 30, 2009, 10:03 PM

If a woman/man is in a relationship/engaged/married/otherwise "taken," than she/he is off limits. Period.

Put yourself in her boyfriend's shoes. How would you feel if someone tried to woo your girlfriend away?

Morality dictates faithfulness in a relationship. Relationships are not a game: you're either in one or not. There is no room for stealing other people's partners away.

Until you're BOTH free, she is off limits. I suggest you work on your own relationship rather than trying to ruin hers.

rosemcs · Dec 30, 2009, 10:10 PM

What is your definition of pursuing someone, really? Are you thinking the guy is going to strip down or something? Without communication, the other won't know where one stands, so pursuing can be as simple as communication.

Different cultures do not think the same way as American men who might be afraid to show interest in a girl even if she is dating another person. There is nothing wrong with pursuing, if communicated the right way. Pursuing does not mean you are out to destroy the other partner, it is also an active way of being honest about your feelings.

jimseekinadvice · Dec 30, 2009, 10:11 PM

I disagree completely on pursuing a girl while your in a relationship with another. If it were the other way around I doubt you'd like it too much. Show some respect. If your not happy in your relationship break it off. People IN relationships are OFF limits no matter how you put it. You will just cause a messy situation. Even if this new girl is good now, you have yet to scratch the surface of her true self. You might end up being the classic case of "thinking the grass is greener but end up regretting it"

jimseekinadvice · Dec 30, 2009, 10:13 PM

What is the point in having a girlfriend or boyfriend if your just going to pursue others... there is none.

rosemcs · Dec 30, 2009, 10:15 PM

Pursuing is about being honest with your feelings and not being afraid to say something. It is better than being stuck in a lousy unhappy relationship where you are sneaking behind the other person's back. Yes, it means ending it, but sometimes someone is so unhappy they don't know how to end it without the other person.

And yes, the grass is always greener...

Evergrey · Dec 30, 2009, 10:29 PM

I say leave it ALONE. Chasing another girl who has a man is stupid. Or if you have a woman. Its not fair to either her or your girl

jimseekinadvice · Dec 31, 2009, 12:05 AM

You end it if your unhappy.. that's all there is to it... "grow a pair" as they say. If they don't know how to end it without the other person they have gotten to dependent and have to figure out how to do it alone. And no sorry the grass is NOT always greener... read some of the stories about regretting breaking up and you'll see what I'm talking about.

rosemcs · Dec 31, 2009, 12:23 AM

Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

you end it if your unhappy..that's all there is to it..."grow a pair" as they say. If they dont know how to end it without the other person they have gotten to dependent and have to figure out how to do it alone. and no sorry the grass is NOT always greener...read some of the stories about regretting breaking up and you'll see what im talking about.

You are right in all of this, but it is not all so black and white for people when they are infatuated with each other to think so "matter of factly".

And yes, the grass is always greener until you get to the other side. We mean the same thing.

HistorianChick · Dec 31, 2009, 08:52 AM

I don't understand how it can be socially acceptable to set out to break up a relationship. To actively try to ruin the connection between two people. To me, that seems like a lack of a moral compass...

But, that is just my opinion! I do live in a rose-colored world and wish that everyone valued relationships, morality, and goodness.

talaniman · Dec 31, 2009, 10:52 AM

You're both in a relationship, and you work together. Two red flags that say loud and clear to stay within the boundaries of good behavior.

You may be getting along as friends, and co workers, nothing wrong with that. But to assume she is as smitten with you, as you seem to be with her, is not rational, nor realistic thinking. That alone is a reason NOT to pursue.

That your both in the same church, is another reason to not blur the lines, as then you both would be hypocritical cheaters wouldn't you? Is that how you build a relationship, a healthy honest one, any way.

Friends is okay, but don't be distracted, and get so carried away by your own feelings you do something stupid, like dump your present g/f and go after an involved co worker, because thats asking her to be a lying cheater the way your trying to be. You're a church goer, is that the right thing to do?

Take care of your own business in an open honest way, and keep your nose out of others business. That simple, because two cheaters never trust each other. Ain't got nothing to do with grass, its about doing the right thing, the right way.

joe1213 · Jan 1, 2010, 07:41 PM

Originally Posted by joe1213

I like this girl i work with me and her have know each other for 6 months now she has a bf that she has dated for 5 months and i have a gf that i have dated for 2 years on and off so more like 1 year me and my gf agrue all the time over anything she nevers wants to go to church with me now the girl from work she goes to my church i never new she did and she has been going since i have. she sits 3 rows in front of me and i never new that. she and i have gone to breakfast and to lunch she texts me all the time and even sometimes calls me i really like her i just dont know what to do. my gf can be a and then when i go to work i see her and me and her just smile.

FYI To all thank you for everything me and my current girlfriend broke up a day ago and the other girl and her boyfriend are doing good I have gone through 1000 text message with her in the last two days. I don't want to break them up. If anything ever did happen I would go for her in a heart beat thank you all