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Candy2109 · Dec 30, 2009, 01:59 PM

Im 19 and my boyfriend 22 we have been together for 6 months now and I totally love the dude but I think I'm crazy because I do. The beginning of our relationship was totally normal we were all lovie dovie and loved being with each other. He had a problem with me talking to boys so I decided to stop talking to my friends that were dudes and he stopped talking to all girls. He didn't like when I was not with him and hated when I would go out with anybody.I have to call him when I wake up and go to college and when I get out and when I get to work and even when I get home. First I thought it was cute that he cared for my "safty" but now I think its uncalled for. Well one day when me and him were together I was ready to go home because I knew I had to beat my curfew . Well I wasn't feeling to well and he noticed that but I knew I could drive home safe because I knew the situation of my own health nothing serious at all. Well he didn't care what I had to say and would not let me out of his room at all. He locked his door and stood in front of it. I was going to move him and leave but didn't think he would do anything to hurt me. My boyfriend grabbed my wrist and wouldn't let me near the door . I screamed at him because nobody should put there hands on me like that and told him it was over! He exploded and started saying he was sorry he was begging for my forgiveness and even got on his hands and knees begging for me to take him back. Two hours past my curfew threw both our tears and me wanting to get the hell out his house, he let me go. Millions of texts and phone call plus voicmials with sorrys and I promise's I will change made me take him back because I loved him. He has changed and he has been so different but sometimes when we get mad he turns into his old self but I see he is trying to control it. Am I stupid to still be with him even if I know how he is even if he is trying to change? He trying hard and I see the results and were totally happy again but sometimes I get a little nervous that he is going to turn into that monster I saw once before,

artlady · Dec 30, 2009, 02:08 PM

It's a positive step that he is learning to control his behavior but I would still be leery.

I think it is wise to be concerned.

Are you still forbidden from talking to other guys?
Do you still have to keep him in the loop about your whereabouts every minute?

If the answer is yes than I would rethink this relationship.

This kind of behavior,if left unchecked is a red flag for more obsessive and domineering behavior down the road.

jmjoseph · Dec 30, 2009, 02:10 PM

Let's see he treats you like property, AND held you hostage?

This is not normal behavior.

He will get worse if you give him the chance.

Stay safe on your own.

And the best way to do that, is to find someone who is not so controlling.

You should be able to befriend whomever you wish.

Good luck to you.

Justwantfair · Dec 30, 2009, 02:14 PM

I think he sounds immature, controlling and suffers from low self esteem.

Be very leery, you are in a relationship with an abuser and while I commend his efforts to change, if he is still emotionally controlling you and your actions, then he hasn't really changed at all.

amicon · Dec 30, 2009, 02:29 PM

This sounds like an abuser and I don't think he'll change longterm-not without therapy.
He's nice now and you're still walking around on eggshells,waiting for the bad guy to resurface.
Do yourself a favour and leave him.

Candy2109 · Dec 30, 2009, 03:11 PM

He does let me talk to sum guys and is now trusts me to ao on my own. My parents do warn me that he is trying to brainwash me into thinking he is changing and they don't approve at him at all. I see the changes but once again how long will he keep them up.

Justwantfair · Dec 30, 2009, 03:13 PM

I think parents have a sixth sense when it comes to knowing if a partner is good enough for their child. Take warning with their dislike, it speaks volumes for your relationship.

amicon · Dec 30, 2009, 03:20 PM

Read what you just wrote-he does let me-it shouldn't be a question of LETTING-you should,of course, be able to talk to whomever you like.
I suggest you listen to your parents,they have your best interests at heart.

artlady · Dec 30, 2009, 03:23 PM

Originally Posted by Candy2109

he does let me talk to sum guys and is now trusts me to ao on my own. my parents do warn me that he is trying to brainwash me into thinkin he is changing and they dont approve at him at all. i see the changes but once again how long will he keep them up.

How long will he keep it up is the million dollar question and I think your doubts and your parents are well founded.
If you feel you have to tip toe around this guy,he isn't the right one.

Jake2008 · Dec 30, 2009, 11:55 PM

It won't stop. He is like a speeding train heading into a crash on the side of a mountain. It is only a matter of time.

He is typical of a controlling person. First your friends, then your freedom. He will add the way you dress, how you talk, the makeup you wear. He will isolate you from people who influence you, like your parents.

He is good now, but I don't buy it for a second. Once he has you convinced that he has changed his behaviour, and you are comfortable in the relationship again, it will be worse.

It never gets better when someone is determined to control another.

Candy2109 · Dec 31, 2009, 09:48 AM

We haven't fought in a long time and I'm happy for that.. and I am thinking of leaving him but then I recently got pregnant but lost the child due to medication I take for my heart. This just recently happened and I haven't told him because he was so ready to be a dad. I'm going to tell him then leave but I really don't know how that outcome could turn out

Edited for meaning, and context

HistorianChick · Dec 31, 2009, 09:52 AM

I don't know, maybe it is just me, but I don't think you should have to be afraid that your boyfriend is going to turn into a monster again.

Relationships shouldn't be built upon fear that he/she won't revert back to the Mr. Hyde tendencies...

Bottom line: he is possessive, controlling, physically abusive when challenged, and does not trust you. Is that the type of boyfriend you want? You deserve much, much better.

It's like trying to have a relationship with Dr. Jekyll... even if Mr. Hyde doesn't show up for a while, he's always there.

talaniman · Dec 31, 2009, 10:11 AM

I see the changes but once again how long will he keep them up.

Until the stresses get to him, and the monster appears again. But I think its more important to put safety first, since you were pregnant, and may still be very vulnerable. Your family can be your support, and if he is serious about being a good partner and dad, he will make permanent changes.

Until then, you will always be in danger, and afraid of setting him off. Which may not take much.

Edited

Devorameira · Dec 31, 2009, 10:18 AM

I consider him to be controlling, but wouldn't rule out an abusive side to him as well. Be careful - if you ever feel threatened, get out of there immediately!

Dealing with a controlling boyfriend is a tiresome and annoying situation that wears on your patience. Being constantly controlled or policed is something that no one should have to endure, even if you care about him.

Set boundaries. Let your boyfriend know that his behavior is unacceptable. If you feel like he's controlling, you need to let him know where to stop.

Consider calling it quits. Sometimes no amount of work can repair a relationship that is dominated by a controlling boyfriend that refuses to change. In this instance the best thing that you can do is move on to something happier and healthier.

asking · Dec 31, 2009, 10:36 AM

He is abusive. And the research I've read says it is virtually unheard of for adult abusers to change. In general, the longer you are with them, the worse they get, not better. They may stop being physically aggressive, because it's uncool to hit your wife or girlfriend, but they find other ways to control their partners (and children). Your boyfriend's better behavior lately is temporary and possibly in part due to you being pregnant.

He feels entitled to use force to control you. Even if he refrains from doing it most of the time, it's in his mind that he has to control you and must do whatever he needs to do so. He would probably explain to someone else that your behavior forced him to lock the door, for your own safety. Of course, this is nonsense. You are a rational adult, not an out of control toddler.

I would definitely recommend breaking up with him, but be prepared for some out of control behavior on his part. Take the precaution of telling friends and family that you are breaking up and that you are afraid of him. This man sounds dangerous to me. Live with someone else for a while, so you are not alone.

Check out websites on safety plans for leaving an abusive partner.
For example: Domestic Violence Safety Plan - An Abuse, Rape and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection

If he has access to your computer, make sure to change your passwords and erase your browsing history. I know this sounds extreme, but it's better to be safe than dead or injured and he sounds like a bad case to me.

This is tough, but it's far better to get out of this now and have the rest of your life, than to keep staying with him because it's scary and unpleasant to leave.

asking · Dec 31, 2009, 10:41 AM

PS. I understood you to say that you lost your baby and he doesn't know that yet. I'm really sorry about the baby.

I'm thinking that you should have someone with you when you tell him that you lost the baby and that you would like to break up. I have a feeling he's not going to handle this well. You might do just one at a time. I don't know. But keep someone you trust nearby.

talaniman · Dec 31, 2009, 11:03 AM

Why does he have to know you were even pregnant, since you lost the child? I'm only worried that it may be a trigger point for dangerous behavior, as Asking has suggested.

Candy2109 · Dec 31, 2009, 11:25 AM

I had told him I was pregnant when I found out and he has been happy ever since(I was 2 months then I lost the baby) = (. He already had told his whole family that I was pregnet, which mine don't know because I didn't have the guts to tell them yet. But that's when I lost it. I was thinking of telling him about losing the baby first then later about me breaking up with him. I have a few guy friends that say they will be there and go with me just in case anything might get ugly. Because I havealot of things to pick up from his house.

amicon · Dec 31, 2009, 11:32 AM

I'm so sorry about the baby. Make sure your guyfriends are with you the whole time-when you tell him and when you pick your stuff up-be safe,please.
Take good care of yourself.

artlady · Dec 31, 2009, 02:32 PM

Originally Posted by Candy2109

I had told him i was pregnant when i found out and he has been happy ever since(i was 2 months then i lost the baby) = (. He already had told his whole family that i was pregnet, which mine dont know because i didnt have the guts to tell them yet. But thats when i lost it. I was thinking of telling him about losing the baby first then later about me breaking up with him. I have a few guy friends that say they will be there and go with me just incase anything might get ugly. Because i havealot of things to pick up from his house.

From my past experience with an abuser,I can tell you that the most dangerous time for the victim of abuse is when she is trying to leave her abuser.

In terms of practicality,be prepared to change your cell number and be willing to commit to total No Contact.

He is going to try to manipulate you into staying,citing how good he has been but you need to tell him you simply can't forget that frightening incident and it has made a wedge that will never be forgotten.

Telling him about the baby should have been done immediately but regardless you can't throw all of this at him at once and not expect an explosive emotional reaction.Take it one step at a time and be sure to have support
I think girfriends would be better than male friends to be there for you.
Or a guy and a girl but a couple of guys will just intimidate him and make him overreact.