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rockie100 · Dec 18, 2009, 10:17 PM

OP means original post or original poster. That would be you :)

I think it might be helpful to read some of the other posts on relationships. Stop back here, to this post, and let us know what you gained from your search.

Its normal to blame yourself after being betrayed. But it is so unhealthy, and so unjustified. In time, you will realize how little you, or anything you had done, caused your husbands infidelity. You need a grip on this before intering this dating world. It can be rough out here... You want to be able to have fun! Not sit, bitting your nails, wondering why some guy flaked out on you. You want be stronger than that. And you wll become strong in time.

lakegirl35 · Dec 19, 2009, 10:53 AM

Ok.. I've been reading posts until I'm blue in the face. I feel a little better. But keep having anxiety attacks because this is the first weekend in months that we have not been together. I just can't believe he doesn't miss me and want to be with me after pining away over me for so long. I remember how about a month ago we got in an argument and I was leaving and he begged me to stay and then started to cry. How does one go from that to NC in just a week with no explanation? My friends keep telling me to call or text him for an explanation but I can't make myself do that. The thought of him not responding would throw me over th edge and I may lose control. At least I have control not calling. Even though I wish I could have an explanation. Two months ago I could have cared less if this would have happened... but he became a security blanket for me and I started to overlook his faults. I'm kicking myself for letting my guard down and allowing myself to feel for him.

amicon · Dec 19, 2009, 11:04 AM

at least I have control not calling

Stick to that it's a wise decision. Try to be your own security blanket and come up with a plan for the rest of the day-do something nice with friends to take your mind off things.

Jake2008 · Dec 19, 2009, 11:56 AM

I am hoping that the confusion might eventually turn this around into a bit of anger. If this had been your best girlfriend, or your aunt or mother, and you had been doing and planning these outings together, then all of a sudden you're dropped from the radar, and discover that there was something/someone more important than you, and they just forgot to tell you.

So you sit, and fret, and worry, and find out it was something as simple as they were simply too busy for you.

I'd be really *issed with that.

I'd also have too much pride to call and say, "what's up with the weird behaviour"

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all get snookered from time to time. It can't be avoided. You may think a person is as solid as Gibralter, and realize in the end, they were merely an ant hill.

I still do get the impression that there was an imbalance here, and it was more of a game, or challenge for him to finally break you down. I think that your bond with him, was as calculated as his bond with you, and most of the steps along the way were self-serving on his part.

Even if he does call, email, text, ignore it. If, (and that is a huge if), he sincerely just got too busy to remember his own name, and you are feeling like you want to meet for coffee eventually, give nothing. Expect that he may very well be setting you up again. Look at him with skepticism, and judge accordingly.

amicon · Dec 19, 2009, 12:43 PM

Jake makes very good points-I 'd say avoid him if he tries to make a comeback.

Gemini54 · Dec 19, 2009, 04:34 PM

I still do get the impression that there was an imbalance here, and it was more of a game, or challenge for him to finally break you down. I think that your bond with him, was as calculated as his bond with you, and most of the steps along the way were self-serving on his part.

You might hit ME with a wet noodle Jake, but we often ascribe 'motives' to people as away of explaining their behavior.

I'd like to put a different perspective to the OP. Perhaps there is no ulterior motive per se or any calculation - perhaps he's just a complete and total emotional cripple. Someone that was so totally into you while you were in his line of sight, and now that he's got a job he's got a new interest and he's over you.

Just because he's a psychologist doesn't mean he has any more insight into himself than your regular person. In fact he probably has a distorted view of himself and lots of ways to justify his appalling behavior.

I suggest that this is his way of telling you it's over.

It's painful, but it's a blessing. At least it's only been 2 months not 2 years!

I would not be making ANY contact ever again with a person that has behaved in this way. Wipe him out of your life, the way he's deleted you. Visit your friends, make Xmas preparations, keep yourself busy. If he tries to contact you - ignore him completely.

Treat him like a bad dream. Something you analyze briefly, and then would rather forget.

lakegirl35 · Dec 19, 2009, 05:54 PM

Gemini54.. as I read this I hear a bell going off inside me.. ding, ding, ding. I think that is it. But we were together for 7 months... so I'm still feeling at a loss. I guess now I fear that once I open myself up to someone, once they know they have my full attention... are they going to do the same thing. This hurts like hell... and I'm just at shock that he would end it this way after knowing the pain I went through with my husband. But what you say seems in alignment with what my heart and gut are telling me... he just couldn't have both me and work in his life. There was no room for me. When I saw him last Sunday, he gave me an odd hug before I left. It was longer and harder than ever before. And as I sit and think about it.. I think he was knew he was hugging me one last time. Now I just have to learn how to like me and how not to be scared that this sort of thing will happen whenever I start to feel something for another man... that he will dump me like yesterday's news and leave me questioning myself.

amicon · Dec 20, 2009, 01:36 AM

Try to see this as an opportunity to find out who you are and what you need and want from life. As regards future dating, take it nice and slow and really get to know the person,it takes time and maybe realise that a friendship that grows and matures is to be preferred to a short intense courtship that fizzels out when reality kicks in.

lakegirl35 · Dec 21, 2009, 07:51 AM

Here is an update: last night I went out and saw him. I asked him what was going on. He told me he was waiting to hear from me. He kept reading my letter over and over again on which I told him I was walking away. He assumed that since I hadn't called I was doing just that... walking away. During that time he realized that he doesn't get enough time with me. Bc of my children I can only c him fri night through Sunday afternoon. He asked me what type of relationship is it if he can only be with me 2 days a week. I remember him complaining about this prior. So he told me he still wants me in his life.. tha cares about me. But I told him I couldn't be his friend. I think that would be too painful. So in a nutshell.. bc I was no longer getting his full attention I get emotional and write a note. Then I don't call because I expect him to.. resulting in an end to this relationship. I feel so depressed and almost desperate. I want to call and ask if there is a way to salvage this... that I'm sorry. Can it be salvaged? How can I move forward feeling that I single handed broke us up?

amicon · Dec 21, 2009, 08:09 AM

He's the one who 'disappeared' when he got his new job and now he complains about you caring for your children? That's called callously manipulating guilt in my book. This doesn't need salvaging,it needs walking away from. Sorry for being harsh but you can do so much better than this.

talaniman · Dec 21, 2009, 08:16 AM

Can it be salvaged? How can I move forward feeling that I single handed broke us up?

You have got to be kidding me! How do we go from a guy who has no time to cultivate a healthy adult relationship, to you single handedly destroying everything??

Drop the guilt, and get real will you? You will move on because this was not right, and there will be better. Don't be so dramatic, as you have done right by yourself by not allowing him to push you down his list of priorities.

Gemini54 · Dec 21, 2009, 03:32 PM

Originally Posted by lakegirl35

Here is an update: last night I went out and saw him. I asked him what was going on. He told me he was waiting to hear from me. He kept reading my letter over and over again on which I told him I was walking away. He assumed that since I hadn't called I was doing just that...walking away. During that time he realized that he doesn't get enough time with me. Bc of my children I can only c him fri night thru sunday afternoon. He asked me what type of relationship is it if he can only b with me 2 days a week. I remember him complaining about this prior. So he told me he still wants me in his life..tha cares about me. But I told him I couldn't be his friend. I think that would be too painful. So in a nutshell..bc I was no longer getting his full attention I get emotional and write a note. Then I don't call bc I expect him to..resulting in an end to this relationship. I feel so depressed and almost desperate. I want to call and ask if there is a way to salvage this...that I'm sorry. Can it be salvaged? How can I move forward feeling that I single handed broke us up?

How very neat. He's just hand-balled all the blame and guilt on back to you!

The guy's an expert - I mean really, stand back for a moment and look at this situation - now you're the one that's done the wrong thing?

Hmmm. I go back to my past post - "emotional cripple".

lakegirl35 · Dec 23, 2009, 07:55 PM

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't been on. I'm having a hard time dealing with all this. I have been very sad and rehashing the conversation we had the other night. I'm sorry if I'm being repetitive, but I'm having trouble sleeping and turning my mind off. It just doesn't make sense.

He told me that after we stopped communicating for a couple of weeks the "letter" just put things into perspective. He began to look at the BIG PICTURE. Here I am with a family and I have no choice but to only come out a couple of times a week and he is a single guy traveling all over. He said it isn't feasible for us.. so why continue. He said I always said things like "why are we together because we are night and day".. which I did.

He is surprised by the way I am reacting over this because I never seemed to care before. I told him I developed feelings for him and then reminded him of when there was a time that he was sad and depressed over me (that's what he told me on several occassions) because we weren't talking. He then hurt me by saying that he never said stuff like that... that he doesn't talk that way. But I'm pretty sure I'm not crazy. I remember him saying that because it was comments like that that made me start to feel things for him... because he was so open and honest. But now I'm wondering if I imagined it?? How could he say he never said those things? Does he really not remember. That is very painful... because those conversations were meaningful and special. He also told me that we were just providing companionship for each other. What? So that was all I was? What about the way he always acted around me... like he worshipped the ground I walked on.. and I was really nothing? What about when he cried for me to stay? Was that fake? Ugh

As I said before, chances are I will see him because we go to the same places. I went out with a friend of mine and noticed he was sitting a few seats away from me with a couple of his friends. I know he saw me.. but we said nothing to each other. That also hurt. This is the first guy I've been initimate with for 14 yrs other than my husband and we are going to ignore each other? That doesn't settle right. I'm not sure how to act around him. I'm just overwhelmed with the thought that he is so over me when just a month ago.. he "seemed" really into me. I was a priority. I hope that he is an emotional cripple and I just wasn't some meaningless fling.

amicon · Dec 24, 2009, 03:04 AM

Sometimes we just have to accept that a person was not who we thought they were. And we have to pick ourselves up and get on with our lives regardless of what someone else did.

talaniman · Dec 24, 2009, 07:06 AM

Your really finding anything you can to figure out why you broke up aren't you?

Sometimes it just doesn't work out, or go the way we think, that's the risk of dating.

Some parts of the last 7 months you enjoyed, so did he, but things have changed, and you have to adjust, and next time, when your ready, you won't get in so deep so fast, and have a better healthier perspective on getting to know someone well, before you completely give them your heart.

Just so you know, most folks only show their good side, during the chase phase, and it takes a lot of time to see their true nature.