[lakegirl35]

I am somewhat new to the life of dating. I am separated and in the midst of a vicious divorce which is coming to a head soon. My ex husband had several affairs and left me no decision but to divorce since I would no longer be a third party in my marriage. Obviously I am hurting. Not because I still love my husband, but because of the constant rejection, and abandonment I felt and continue to feel as I hear of him and his mistress. I was married for 12 years, which in today's society seems to be a successful marriage. After I kicked him out of the house, I started dating. May have been too soon, but I had been so alone for 5 years, and anxious to give it a try.

I finally met a man 7 months ago. I was not an easy catch. He chased me quite hard, and wanted a relationship. But I didn't want one, because I thought it was too soon and needed to know what I wanted and needed as well as try to figure out who I am. Because he was a doctor of psychology, he psychoanalyzed everything I did and became to know me better than most. And in knowing all of this, still wanted to be with me. He was laid off from his work due to an acquisition. It was during this time that I really started to give in to him. I began to spend everyday with him. This went on for a few months. I started to feel things and stopped dating others. It was just expected that we would be together almost everyday and weekend. It was nice to feel that type of security and he paid me lots of attention. I don't think I have fallen for him, but my feelings are quite fond.

He began a new job a couple of weeks ago, and all of sudden it is as if I no longer exist. I have not heard from him all week and wonder what happened? I know he is extremely stressed with his job and feels he made a mistake taking this job offer. I also know he has workaholic tendencies, but could that really be the reason for no longer calling or texting? His body language is distant, and he seems to be somewhere else when I'm with him. Last weekend I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote him a letter explaining that I needed to walk away because it seemed as though there was no room for me in his life. I then left his home. He called later that afternoon to ask what I meant by that... if he should call anymore or not. We wound up meeting for a glass of wine later in the day and he apologized for his behavior. He told me that he doesn't want to make me feel bad and he wishes he could change that part of himself. But unfortunately it will probably be like this for awhile. I told him the lack of calling and texting was what really got to me. We had a fun and great time together and then I left and have not heard from him since. So I'm left wondering.. did I do something? Is it me? The rejection is very painful. Rejection seems to be the thing I face most these days.. and it has become unbearable.

This behavior has been going on for 2.5 weeks... the exact time that he has been working with this new company. So what is your take on this? Could it be work? I just don't get how he went cold turkey and can't just drop a simple text saying "hi" just to let me know he is thinking of me but really busy??

[lakegirl35]

I am somewhat new to the life of dating. I am separated and in the midst of a vicious divorce which is coming to a head soon. My ex husband had several affairs and left me no decision but to divorce since I would no longer be a third party in my marriage. Obviously I am hurting. Not because I still love my husband, but because of the constant rejection, and abandonment I felt and continue to feel as I hear of him and his mistress. I was married for 12 years, which in today's society seems to be a successful marriage. After I kicked him out of the house, I started dating. May have been too soon, but I had been so alone for 5 years, and anxious to give it a try.

I finally met a man 7 months ago. I was not an easy catch. He chased me quite hard, and wanted a relationship. But I didn't want one, because I thought it was too soon and needed to know what I wanted and needed as well as try to figure out who I am. Because he was a doctor of psychology, he psychoanalyzed everything I did and became to know me better than most. And in knowing all of this, still wanted to be with me. He was laid off from his work due to an acquisition. It was during this time that I really started to give in to him. I began to spend everyday with him. This went on for a few months. I started to feel things and stopped dating others. It was just expected that we would be together almost everyday and weekend. It was nice to feel that type of security and he paid me lots of attention. I don't think I have fallen for him, but my feelings are quite fond.

He began a new job a couple of weeks ago, and all of sudden it is as if I no longer exist. I have not heard from him all week and wonder what happened? I know he is extremely stressed with his job and feels he made a mistake taking this job offer. I also know he has workaholic tendencies, but could that really be the reason for no longer calling or texting? His body language is distant, and he seems to be somewhere else when I'm with him. Last weekend I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote him a letter explaining that I needed to walk away because it seemed as though there was no room for me in his life. I then left his home. He called later that afternoon to ask what I meant by that... if he should call anymore or not. We wound up meeting for a glass of wine later in the day and he apologized for his behavior. He told me that he doesn't want to make me feel bad and he wishes he could change that part of himself. But unfortunately it will probably be like this for awhile. I told him the lack of calling and texting was what really got to me. We had a fun and great time together and then I left and have not heard from him since. So I'm left wondering.. did I do something? Is it me? The rejection is very painful. Rejection seems to be the thing I face most these days.. and it has become unbearable.

This behavior has been going on for 2.5 weeks... the exact time that he has been working with this new company. So what is your take on this? Could it be work? I just don't get how he went cold turkey and can't just drop a simple text saying "hi" just to let me know he is thinking of me but really busy??

[Jake2008]

How did you meet him; he wasn't your therapist at first was he?

[AmExp]

I know I should be the last person probably commenting on anyone's relationship, but let me tell you... MOVE ON! Some people just play those games. Who cares where this guy went? There are seriously other people to date. I know it feels weird because you wonder why. Especially if you consider yourself a good catch. However, if the truth be told, he is not worth your time. Are there other details of the story that were omitted? Did you call or text him chronically? If so, then these are huge turn offs when you are first dating someone. I wish you good luck. But I would not pine over someone that just wants to play the disappearing act game... it is just not worth it!

[rockie100]

I wouldn't take this as another 'personal rejection'... You say he tends to take his work, and make it his prioriety. He even stated that it was not likely to change for a time. I would respect the fact he was willing to talk about this with you. Give him some time to adjust.

As for your situation, you sound as though you have been dealing with quite a lot. You still have some loose ends to tie. Also If you have children, they should be your chief concern. Hopefully you have close friends, and or, family that can give some emotional support.

You do understand, that there are many things you need to learn about who you are. Things, that being married, you wouldn't know about yourself. You need some 'single-time'. You must first get to know and love the single you before you can be loved by another.
Hope this helps some.
Rockie100

[Gemini54]

Well clearly he doesn't have the ability to psychoanalyze his own behavior!

Perhaps he's just one of these people that compartmentalizes their lives - girlfriend in one box, work in the other. Whilst he wasn't working he focused entirely on you, now that he has a job his focus is entirely on the work.

In any case, it isn't a healthy approach - it's certainly not balanced and you were possibly filling a void in his life that his work usually filled.

I suspect that you may not have allowed yourself enough time to heal between leaving your husband and meeting this guy and this is why your feelings of being rejected are so intense. It feels like you're reliving it all again, except this time you're being abandoned for a job.

Why don't you try backing off? You can't second guess his motives but you'll feel stronger and more in control if you decide to let go of this relationship. He doesn't seem inclined to change, so you may be better off seeing this as an interesting 'rebound' experience.

Give yourself some time to be on your own and adjust to enjoying life as a single person for awhile. You'll be better equipped to meet someone that can provide what you need when you eventually decide to explore greener pastures.

[talaniman]

He is a workaholic in a new job. Don't take it personally, but don't give him your heart either. He doesn't know what to do with it.

Be glad you learned this before you were MORE emotionally invested.

[lakegirl35]

Thanks everyone for your reply. I hear what you are saying, but it is so hard not to take it personally. This guy was the first guy to ever really express his feelings so much that it made me, a female, feel uncomfortable. We split for a couple of weeks over one period simply because I wouldn't answer his calls or text back or always waiting for something better. As I said, he had to fight hard for me and it took a long time for me to commit. He would tell me how depressed he would get when he woke up in the morning thinking I was no longer a part of his life. He talked about me all the time to his parents. He flew up to meet his family over Thanksgiving and he wasn't lying. They new everything about me and loved me. It is hard for me to understand how he can all of a sudden throw himself all into work and take me out of the picture without me thinking I did something wrong. I guess that is what I'm having the most trouble with... thinking I'm broken, or not a catch, or why date because in a few months you will dump me anyway.

[talaniman]

Just because this didn't work out, you did take the risk. I doubt he could be anything but himself, so after putting his best foot forward to get you, he simply reverted to himself.

That's not your fault, no way. That's just how he is, and now that you know, and have learned it takes a while to see a persons true self.

I suspect you will get beyond this with no guilt, and take the valuable lesson forward with you. Give yourself time, and plenty of it, to know if a guy is worthy of your heart.

A painful lesson we all learn.

[Jake2008]

You didn't answer the question, if he was first your therapist.

There seems to be a great dependence upon this man.

With you having gone through, or are still going through, a vicious divorce, you were vunerable, in my opinion, and there is an imbalance here. He, a professional Psychologist, pursued you.

You finding that he analyzed everything you did, it seems an unhealthy bond to me. You said you had security with him, and paid you a lot of attention. Then he dumped you like a hot potato.

Could it be that this is the way he operates? Find a woman in the midst of a nasty divorce, having been beat up psychologically all the way around because of it, pursue her, create a bond of trust, use her, and then leave her cold?

That would be questionable behaviour in my mind. He's not a very nice human being, let alone someone I would trust.

Did this relationship start as a patient/professional one?

[lakegirl35]

Hi Jake 2008. No he was not my therapist. I met him in a bar.. ha. But it was the way he approached me that got my attention. He walked up to me and bought me a drink and then told me my life story. He said" I assume you are divorced with kids, your husband probably cheated on you and you've already had your first rebound." Boom... ditto. I had a 2 week romance prior to him. Once again left cold. But it's hard for me to see him that way. He too his kind of hurting. He just got out of a ten year relationship with someone 2 years ago. I'm the first person he has been with in a relationship since. He would tell me secret things that no one else would know. He let me in on his thoughts. This guy was obsessed with me.. and now I no longer exist.

[Jake2008]

I am relieved that he wasn't your therapist. Interesting pick up line though lol

Ok, with that out of the way, I guess it boils down to the guy is a jerk. Either that, or he has someone new, or he's gone back to his ex, or he's just a cold, uncaring selfish person. That still makes him a jerk.

Might be time to focus now on one thing at a time. The major one, the separation and divorce is going to take up a lot of your energy to get done. But, when that is behind you, that might be the time to pursue some really, truly, single fun, without the baggage.

I hope you are going to get through the holidays okay. Have you given any thought as to what you'll do if the good Doctor contacts you again?

[lakegirl35]

Well I know he is not back with the ex. And when I saw him Saturday night, at a bar, he was by himself with some friends and he looked exhausted. So I'm pretty sure it is not another girl. He has been working too much to even think about another person. I know him that much.

But no... I have not thought about what I'm going to do if I should hear from him again. I've thought about just telling him that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore, because his behavior has been very unfair to me and leaves me questioning myself. But I'm not sure... right now I don't feel I will ever get that chance. I tried taking control by leaving a note last weekend, but then he roped me back in by asking me to meet him for a drink... which at that moment I felt selfish because I could tell he was stressed with work. And then I felt silly. But here it is a week almost, and I have heard nothing. But you are right. The separation and divorce are extremely emotionally draining.

[Jake2008]

You don't need another wishy washy male in your life, when there are so many good men out there.

I don't know what happens to people when they somehow reach a point of self entitlement. It's all about them, and the people they use, are merely props. No real emotional attachment, and no worries about having to commit to a partnership.

It would be nice to see you just have some R&R, enjoy a box of chocolates, rent some movies, pamper yourself with a manicure, do nice things just for you.

With everything slowing to a crawl now, nothing legally will happen until the new year.

Take time to catch your breath, catch up on some reading, keep busy but don't run yourself ragged.

Let the men in your life flounder for a while, you deserve some you time.

January will come soon enough.

[lakegirl35]

Thank you Jake 2008. I really thought this guy was different. I really didn't get the impression he was using me for some self gain. But I guess there is no other explanation for his behavior. I feel like I have been alone for so long that the thought of just doing that stuff sounds nice, but scary.

[Devorameira]

Your life has been so empty for so long. Don't waste your time with a guy that doesn't show you the constant love and respect that you want. There are plenty of good men out there. Stop focusing on him and go out and find them. :)

[amicon]

Start focusing on you and heal from your divorce. Take time out and find out what you really want and need in life. Learn how to be happy single.

[Gemini54]

Hi Jake 2008. No he was not my therapist. I met him in a bar..ha. But it was the way he approached me that got my attention. He walked up to me and bought me a drink and then told me my life story. He said" I assume you are divorced with kids, your husband probably cheated on you and you've already had your first rebound." Boom....ditto. I had a 2 week romance prior to him. Once again left cold. But it's hard for me to see him that way. He too his kind of hurting. He just got out of a ten year relationship with someone 2 years ago. I'm the first person he has been with in a relationship since. He would tell me secret things that no one else would know. he let me in on his thoughts. this guy was obsessed with me..and now i no longer exist.

All of that does sound it a way kind of creepy. He sounds an all or nothing sort of person - one of those people that makes you feel like you're the center of their world, and then 'poof' they disappear and you're left with nothing.

He would, "tell you secret things that no-one else would know" - I don't know, but this leaves me with an odd feeling that I can't quite explain.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

[Jake2008]

In all honesty, I think our OP was manipulated emotionally. He gave only what he needed, in order to get what he wanted.

[lakegirl35]

What does OP mean? Geez it is just so hard for me to think he manipulated me. You see where I keep going with this? I keep thinking it's me. That maybe I did or said something so wrong that it turned him away from me. Maybe I was acting like a spoiled brat and looked sad that I was no longer getting all of his attention like I use to. Or maybe I'm just not a loveable person. I know it's pathetic. But it just seems that I know him well enough to think he did not manipulate me. But who knows. I never thought my husband would really cheat on me.. I feared it.. but didn't think it would really happen. So maybe he did manipulate me. I just feel beside myself in all this. How he just up'd and disappeared without giving me any explanation. But then again.. whatever he would tell me would probably not be the whole truth, or honest thing.