[smeyer423]

I have been married for 12 years. I am planning to separate and divorce my husband as a result of his addiction to pornography, honesty issues, trust issues, as well as other issues.

For years I have known that something was wrong in our marriage. At first I suspected cheating or an erect tile dysfunction however he adamantly denies both. I however NEVER suspected pornography.

When things started to go sour a few years back I asked him to seek mental health counseling. He was diagnosed with anxiety and depression for which he takes medication.

I will not blame myself, my looks, my body or anything else I have done. I totally understand that this is HIS problem. But what I don’t understand is how a person who claims to be so happy and not want a divorce is willing to lie, sneak and throw it all away for pornography??

I have known for a long time that he is a compulsive liar but I thought we could work through it.

Is he a lost cause? How does this happen to someone? How did he get this way?

[excon]

I will not blame myself, my looks, my body or anything else I have done. I totally understand that this is HIS problem. How did he get this way?

Hello s:

I don't know. I'd rather watch porn and whack off than make love to a righteous woman.

excon

[smeyer423]

I was not trying to sound righteous. I simply understand addictions and how some people blame themselves for other peoples “problems.” I simply refuse to take responsibility for this.

[Cat1864]

I quite understand making him responsible for his own issues, however, your post does make it sound like you are putting your issues on him along with his own. Writing it all out may help you get your thoughts in order and help us understand what might be going on his mind.

I get the feeling that the pornography is a symptom of the lying and trust issues. Did you have a problem with porn before he started the lying and hiding it or did the lying and hiding come about because you have strong feelings about porn?

On the surface, it sounds like you knew there would be honesty and trust issues going into the relationship and thought you could 'change' him. Is that what happened or was it after the marriage that the issues first became apparent?

[smeyer423]

Just because I will not take responsibility doesn't make me righteous. It may have come across that way but that certainly wasn't my intention. Sometimes it is easy to misconstrue how something sounds when written versus spoken.

I simply wanted to state that I am not one of those woman who will sit and wonder oh poor me, what I have done wrong that would cause him to do this.

Any man who would rather whack off than make love to a real woman has some serious issues in my opinion. If my husband felt the same way as the first poster, then he shouldn't be married and that person simply proved my point.

You are absolutely correct that the pornography has led to the lying and trust issues. He has been lying and hiding this for years. I only recently discovered it.

You are correct that the issues came to be after the marriage, long after. That is why I feel like I've been led down the primrose path. I'm sure he was like this before. It just took me 12 years to figure it out.

[excon]

I only recently discovered it.... I'm sure he was like this before. It just took me 12 years to figure it out.

Hello again, s:

You speak of it as though he has a disease, and it's only through your womanly prowess that you were able to reveal this deficiency...

If MY wife felt that way, I'd STILL be in that room whacking off.

Yes, of course, he was like this before you met him. MOST people are like that. It's actually YOU who is disconnected from your husband - not the other way around.. Pornography, whether you admit it or not, is MAINSTREAM America.

The mistake that you BOTH made wayyy back when, was NOT being honest with each other about your sex lives... Sure, maybe he SHOULD have shared it with you... But, knowing you'd bite his head off, he concealed it. I guess he thought you'd change too.

The above notwithstanding, what are you going to do? Are you going to throw the bum out, or are you going to try to fix it?

excon

[jmjoseph]

Some addictions are indeed a disease, but I don't think that pornography qualifies as one of the more extreme "diseases". I have never heard of someone who had withdrawals from lack of porn. However, he does have an addiction, and should do something about it.

Do you think that he would be willing to go to counseling for this?

Here is a site that may be able to help you:PornAddictsAnonymous.org, Porn Addicts Anonymous

I am concerned that he has made threats of violence towards you.

It may be too late.

Good luck.

[smeyer423]

Hello again, s:

You speak of it as though he has a disease, and it's only through your womanly prowess that you were able to reveal this deficiency...

If MY wife felt that way, I'd STILL be in that room whacking off.

Yes, of course, he was like this before you met him. MOST people are like that. It's actually YOU who is disconnected from your husband - not the other way around.. Pornography, whether you admit it or not, is MAINSTREAM America.

The mistake that you BOTH made wayyy back when, was NOT being honest with each other about your sex lives... Sure, maybe he SHOULD have shared it with you... But, knowing you'd bite his head off, he concealed it. I guess he thought you'd change too.

The above notwithstanding, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna throw the bum out, or are you gonna try to fix it?

excon

I am by no means a sexual prude or opposed to watching porn. I should have mentioned that earlier. He and I actually watch, or should I say watched, porn from time to time.

However it is not the porn per se that I have a problem with, it is the sneaking, keeping secrets and lying about it that I have a problem with. Any self respecting woman would.

He has been to the psychologist but he also lies to the psychologist, so nothing is ever truly addressed. It has nothing to do with me or the psychologist biting his head off. He’s just a liar.

But really to be fair and honest and answer your question, I’m not throwing him out nor am I going to try anymore to fix it. I am woman enough to leave. But I get your point and I think you are right. I am a strong woman who refuses to be treated like a doormat. With that said, I agree with you…. He should just whack off. And he can do it all day and night once I leave him. As a matter of fact, every day that he goes to work I am “secretly” packing all of my things. If you don’t see anything wrong with his behavior then you shouldn’t see anything wrong with that.

[smeyer423]

Some addictions are indeed a disease, but I don't think that pornography qualifies as one of the more extreme "diseases". I have never heard of someone who had withdrawals from lack of porn. However, he does have an addiction, and should do something about it.

Do you think that he would be willing to go to counseling for this?

Here is a site that may be able to help you:PornAddictsAnonymous.org, Porn Addicts Anonymous

I am concerned that he has made threats of violence towards you.

It may be too late.

Good luck.

Thank you for your advice and the hyperlink info.

To answer your question I am uncertain if I can ever regain the trust I once had in him. We have attempted counseling in the past but he is a compulsive liar and it simply frustrates me to think of attempting counseling again when all he does is lie.

He has made no threats of violence towards me. He has twice threatened to harm himself if I ever decided to leave. He thinks it is OK to lie, sneak and keep secrets and then puts the fate of his life on me if I decide to leave. What is that? It's mental abuse is what it is.

[jmjoseph]

Quote by smeyer,
Thank you for your advice and the hyperlink info.

He has made no threats of violence towards me.

Sorry, I was getting it mixed up with an identical problem when the husband threatened to break his wife's neck.

Still, you have invested all of the effort that you can, so why be miserable?

It's not about the porn anymore. It's about him lying, and living a life of dishonesty. What can you believe?

Life is too short to live with someone who has a problem, and will not do anything about it.

Go make yourself happy.

[smeyer423]

Thank you for your advice and the hyperlink info.

He has made no threats of violence towards me.

Sorry, I was getting it mixed up with an identical problem when the husband threatened to break his wife's neck.

Still, you have invested all of the effort that you can, so why be miserable?

It's not about the porn anymore. It's about him lying, and living a life of dishonesty. What can you believe?

Life is too short to live with someone who has a problem, and will not do anything about it.

Go make yourself happy.

Thank you.

You are so very right on every front and not just because you agreed with me!!

The other poster didn't agree me but I still think he was right. He was right to remind me that there are men in this world who are threatened by strong women. I can only apologize that I offend them. There is nothing I can or would do to become a weaker person. Not now or ever.

Now, I'm going to go and make myself happy.

[rxnarunner]

I don't think there is anything wrong with her taking a stand and deciding "im not happy and he wont change, so im moving on". She isn't giving up on him, he gave up on them. Obviously its not the porn as much as the lying. You lie about one little thing, you are more then likely lying about big things. And it's the person who is lying thinking that you are soooo stupid you don't know what's going on. That's insulting.

Listen, I like porn (and I'm a woman). I don't think it should rule a man or woman's life. I don't think the feel of a mans own hand, or the vibration of a toy should be more comforting then the person you are with... but that's just me. Just because its mainstream and everyone does it doesn't mean SHE has to put aside her beliefs and pride and suck it up on behalf of her man. Sure, maybe they didn't open up to each other. Works both ways. If he thought she was going to bite his head off if he admitted he liked frequent porn, then maybe HE shouldn't of committed to HER! He knew what he was getting into, just as well as she knew or pretended not to know what she was getting into. It works both ways. She shouldn't be knocked because she knows its not her fault. I've read many posts on here and everyone says exactly what she said. Except they usually say it to the person who is complaining and whining about not being attractive because their guy watches porn.

Eh, I'm in a mood today so... I guess I'm sick of women always having to hold everything together and putting up with things that they wouldn't normally because aaahhh that's just how guys are!

OK... im done

[SVImager]

Is Lying wrong?
We all Lie... Women too... and they are better at it.

What is he lying about?
Is he lying about an affair?
Is he lying about finances?
Is he lying to keep you at peace?

All Presidents Lie.
Pastors Lie.
My father lied and my mother lied.
I am very sure you lied too.

Why put so much weigh on his lying?
How do you react if he told you the truth and reality of things?
Do you yell at him?
Is he a Loser?
Is he a good provider?
Can you do better than your husband?

[SVImager]

Men's attraction is based on visuals.
Her does her body look.. hair color, etc.
They sell beer with slender models.

Women's attraction is based on emotions.
How does he make you feel.. etc.
They sell shampoo with how it is going to make you feel.

[rxnarunner]

You're right, everyone lies. But its WHAT is being lied about that makes a difference. I don't know what he is lying about. Point is... she didn't just become this way. He knew from the giddyup, I'm sure of her pet peeves (whether it was lying, pornography whatever) and he still continues his ways. OK... she doesn't want to participate anymore. She shouldn't have to change her way of thinking to satisfy him.

Yea yea I think that relationships take compromising on both ends. I'm willing to change (not my foundation and morals) but my habits and thought process to accommodate someone I believe would do the same for me.

He obviously is not doing the same for her. And you know what he's not just lying here or there, from what I gathered... he lies about everything. That gets old. Nothing is believable.

[rxnarunner]

Men's attraction is based on visuals.
Her does her body look.. hair color, etc.
They sell beer with slender models.

Women's attraction is based on emotions.
How does he make you feel.. etc.
They sell shampoo with how it is going to make you feel.

Great, point being? Lol. We all know that!

Women love to shop (generally speaking), does that mean because women love to shop and that's what "we do", that we can ruin YOUR life by lying about our shopping and spending and fall deep into debt? NO!

Listen, everyone lies and majority of men and a good amount of women love porn. Big deal. But... each person is allowed to decide when they've had enough. Nothing wrong with taking control of your life. He doesn't give a hoot... so, move on. A relationship is 2 working and compromising. Not just one.

Honestly, she's not even paying attention to this post anymore, she's long gone LOL!

[SVImager]

Point being?. he is looking at Pornography to get his sexual arousal and it is a visual thing. He is not in love with them. It is probably a habit thing at this point.

The lying thing.. that is the real issue.

[talaniman]

There has to be more than watching porn, and lying about it, at the heart of this matter.