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9Lives · Jul 18, 2009, 10:27 AM

I have been dating a guy for 4 years. I will be honest... He was married when we first got together. Yeah I know... that was stupid. He told me he was going to leave and all that. We went through a lot of good times and a lot of hard time. In the end, the house went into foreclosure, the car is repossed, and he is living with his mom not trying to get his life in order. The problem is that he has told me several times, he don't want a relationship anymore even before all this happen. . He will spend time and all that but no commitment. His priorities seem to be his family, his friends, his kids, and himself. I feel like I am in the shadows.

HERE IS MY BIGGEST FEAR... please guys. I need sound advice here. I am so scared!

I feel like Im missing out if he is gone on. He does so many fun and exciting things. I want to be a part of it. I fear That he is going to improve his life, met someone special and build and enjoy a happy life with them which is what I want with him. How do I get over this?

He tells me he has love for me and but all that love stuff is too much and he doesn't want to be in a relationship. We have not been arguing or anything. We spend time together and talk on the phone a lot. We help each other out but I still feel like after 4 years I really don't have anything to show for it. I makes me feel horrible inside. I have been praying about it cause I don't want to lose him all together but the truth is I am unhappy. I feel stuck in this state of mind that won't let me let go but it is not showing me anything. It might work out but it might not.

I just don't know what to do guys.

Elousia · Jul 18, 2009, 01:15 PM

This is pretty straight forward. Never talk to him again. Don't think about him ever again. And if you do think of him which you will, distract yourself right away. Its not right to get involved with a married man or woman for that matter. You have wasted 4 years of your life with someone who doesn't want a commitment with you or who looks at you as anything other then someone to confide in on his time. If this guy was half a man he would be the one to cut off all communication so that you may find yourself a man who is capable and able to love you and give you everything you deserve. You need too move on for your own sake. Do yourself a favor, please. You have a whole world awaiting you if you choose to let this guy go.

"I feel like Im missing out if he is gone on. He does so many fun and exciting things"

You don't need him to have fun and exciting things in your life. You can have them on your own or find a compatible partner whom you can have fun and exciting things in your life.

Please do not waste anymore time with this man. He started seeing you when he was married... this isn't someone you want to be with... who's to say he wouldn't do that with you if you had ever got together?

Please you don't need too wait for him to find someone else before you truly realize that your chasing a fish that you can't catch. There is someone special out there for you but he will never come as long as you continue to travel this road your on.

Please love yourself enough to move on and only then can you love someone else. You have to love yourself before you can love another.

Take what you have learned these four years and grow from it,

Pain can either make you bitter or better, and there will be pain when you choose to cut this guy out of your life for good but have it be for the better. No guy will want to come into your life as long as you keep any form of communication with this guy.

Please love yourself enough and move on, please.

You will feel like you have never felt before, truly amazing.

talaniman · Jul 18, 2009, 04:31 PM

I merged your threads, so we can all see what you have gone through, and what jumps out is, your healing is interrupted whenever you make any contact with him, because it stirs up all those good old feelings yet again. That's NOT no contact. If you stick to NC, you will get over him, along with being proactive in your own life without him.

Be patient, as the emotional attachment, and feelings over 4 years will take a long while to break.

The way I really want to handle seeing him is... not deal with him at all. I don't have anything to say.

This was what you said last December, Its very hard to do, but that's your solution. STICK TO IT!!

Elousia · Jul 18, 2009, 05:03 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I merged your threads, so we can all see what you have gone thru, and what jumps out is, your healing is interrupted whenever you make any contact with him, because it stirs up all those good old feelings yet again. Thats NOT no contact. If you stick to NC, you will get over him, along with being proactive in your own life without him.

Be patient, as the emotional attachment, and feelings over 4 years will take a long while to break.

This was what you said last December, Its very hard to do, but thats your solution. STICK TO IT!!

I never knew how true what talaniman says till I experienced it first hand. I reset myself to day one(square 1) every time I made contact. My healing stopped and had to be reset. What bothered me the most about having to go back to square 1 was the amount of time of my life that was lost, all because of contact with a person who doesn't want to be with me. I lost half of 2009 because I didn't adhere to No contact and get on with my life and heal so that I may move forward.

Hear is what I am saying... nothing will ever take the feelings that the person you love and think is the one away. But you have to make a choice in whether you want someone else to dictate how you feel or how you live your life. It comes down to truly loving and trusting yourself and knowing that in this you will be happy no matter who comes and goes in your life. We can all die tomorrow. I don't want to be hurting and knowing that I didn't trust in myself to give myself a chance at being able to prove to myself that I can heal... only no contact, reflecting on how you can be better in the future and accomplishing small goals, medium goals and big goals along the way.

Say to yourself this:

I love myself, I love myself enough to give myself a chance to see what lies ahead.
I am a great person, I have lots of love to give and would rather see the love in me that is so strong given and received by someone who truly appreciates it and responds by returing that same love to me.

I am stronger then my past and I am who I am because of it. I control my world, nobody else.

Love is.

You have so many people here supporting you here and saying the same thing, trust in it, only a fool wouldn't.

9Lives · Jul 31, 2009, 06:20 PM

Threads merged for the last time

I wanted to know if you think talking to your ex when you break up is a good idea. We did not have a bad break up. I still wanted to be with him but he doesn't want a relationship. I know he is going to call me and I just want to know how do you handle it. I don't want to pick up the phone just to hear, hey I was just thinking about you but I still don't want to get back together. How do you handle those time? If we could be together, I would love it but I don't think it will happen. It has been a hard relationship.

SarahMurphyy · Jul 31, 2009, 07:03 PM

Well if you are happy on speaking to him again well then do? If you still have feelings for him you should just him and see what he thinks? You never know with fella's he could be instered again.
Best of luck. Be careful you don't get hurt.

Lovelee · Jul 31, 2009, 07:19 PM

I think that right after a break up from an ex is too soon to talk to them. So by keeping in contact with them constantly will only prolong the time you need to heal and get over them. When you feel you are strong enough and are over them then you could start talking to them.

talaniman · Jul 31, 2009, 10:13 PM

Ex boyfriend still wants to talk to me. Is that a good idea?

It's a lousy idea, and your only doing it because your afraid of losing him, and you'll be alone. Move forward, not back.

9Lives · Nov 24, 2009, 06:47 AM

I just wonder is this something a lot of others experience. I sleep well but then the first thing on my mind when I wake up is the ex and it makes the start of the day very hard. I cry or I come here to ease the pain. Is this something a lot of other people are experiencing. How do you deal with it?

Imabadman · Nov 24, 2009, 06:51 AM

Yes, it's normal. It'll go on for a while and then slowly die away. It takes time and you must give it time.

You didn't get into a relationship overnight and it doesn't just disappear overnight.

bjohnrupp · Nov 24, 2009, 06:52 AM

When did you two break up? It is normal but after a certain amount of time you shouldn't be thinking about the ex as much. After my fiancé dumped me it was at least 2 months of thinking about her 1st thing in the morning.

Best way to deal with it is to try to stay busy. The more you lay around in bed thinking about the ex the harder its going to be.

glenboy123 · Nov 24, 2009, 06:59 AM

It's very important that you keep yourself mentally business during this period as this will also help you to move on. Live healthily, go out, enjoy yourself with your friends, but don't go jumping into any new romantic relationships for a while. You need to completely de-tox yourself. The fact that you say you are sleeping well is a good sign and that you are slowly beginning to come terms with what has happened. It's a hard road, you just need to stay focused.

amicon · Nov 24, 2009, 07:31 AM

I assume this is the ex from your previous threads? In which case you've been broken up for more than a year, but how long have you been NC? Thoughts of an ex are normal as the others have said, but the thing is to not dwell on these thoughts but to kickstart the day and keep your mind busy with your life in the present.

Devorameira · Nov 24, 2009, 07:34 AM

It's totally normal to miss him. If it's only been a short time, it's okay to cry. Actually we go through a sort of grieving period. Try to focus on you and your new life that's just around the corner. Talk to your best friend about how you feel. You should be fine soon.

If it's been a couple months or more, you may need to talk to your doctor. He/She can give you some medication to get you over the hump.

Good Luck!!

Synnen · Nov 24, 2009, 08:44 AM

This has been going on for you for a YEAR.

Most people take up some sort of hobby and move on with their lives to get over their exes.

What are you doing for YOU right now? Why are you obsessing a year later about someone who is no longer in your life?

9Lives · Nov 24, 2009, 09:19 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

This has been going on for you for a YEAR.

Most people take up some sort of hobby and move on with their lives to get over their exes.

What are you doing for YOU right now? Why are you obsessing a year later about someone who is no longer in your life?

I am sorry I have given some of you the impression that I have been not talking to him for a year.

CLARIFICATION:
We have been off and on for about a year. We stop talking again this month which I believe is for good. The rollercoaster makes it start all over again cause I am not the one who really wanted this break up. I don't have the energy to get into the whole relationship but I do need you to stay with the post regarding the wake up issue.

Thanks

Synnen · Nov 24, 2009, 09:23 AM

Well, my answer is still the same: Get a hobby. Take up exercising every day.

START NO CONTACT!

You do NOT need this roller coaster in your life, and if he can't figure it out, then let him go and get YOURSELF in a good place.

My question to you is ALSO still the same: What are you doing for YOURSELF right now? What are you doing to better YOUR life, with no thought whatsoever about what HE would think of it?

amicon · Nov 24, 2009, 09:32 AM

Thanks for clarifying that.
Ok,so NC starts from day one that you didn't speak, which, to my mind,explains why you wake up thinking about him. At this stage your thoughts are normal and try not to worry about it.
My advice about kickstarting the day still stands, make sure you keep as busy as you can in the mornings and find other things to occupying your mind.

talaniman · Nov 24, 2009, 09:33 AM

Its helpful if the info is in fact complete for better answers. That's why yours, and many other posters, get your threads merged consistently, as a bigger picture is what advise is based on.

As You see from the replies you have already gotten, it makes a big difference knowing when and how contact occurs because as your seeing the effects of continued contact are deep and lonf ranging.

notsogreat · Nov 24, 2009, 02:40 PM

I am confused, I thought in the beginning in 2008 you were done with him and you were ready to move on, I had to jump ahead a few pages and I am confused. I was with someone for ten years who lied, cheated, betrayed, and used me, and still I stuck around. I was his doormat, and then the icing on the cake for me was he dumped me during a low time of my life and started up with someone I know, they are now engaged, and I too have to see him at social gatherings, but I just ignore him, I ignore her, and they are due to be married next August after barely a year together. Guess he found another doormat. I think about him every day too, only not as much, and my thoughts are no longer loving for him. I wish him the best, but I can't believe I stayed around for as long as I did when I was treated so poorly. It was a lesson learned. Good luck to you. Sounds like you were a little like me, only I hope you don't wait around another 6 years like I did for the obvious ending. You are in a toxic relationship, detoxify yourself.