[raquinn]

What does it mean when you've been fighting with your boyfriend a lot and then all the sudden you purpose a break to have things settle in and his only response is "Ok bye."

Am I missing something, should I be alarmed that he is so cool with us taking a break?

[redhed35]

Perhaps he's had enough of the fighting or just burned out from the relationship... you were there,you know the situation best...

I just advice to let things settle down,leave him alone for a few days and then try and talk things out...

[Imabadman]

A man's point of view.

Myself and my experience level with relationships. You say break, I say goodbye.

People in real relationship work through problems, TOGETHER. Sure... you can take a couple of hours to think through it but if you're asking for a few days, weeks, etc... I consider it a break up and walk away. Of course there are a lot of other factors too... your ages (maturity level), what you're fighting about, relationship experience, and quite frankly how often you play the "break" card.

The way I look at it when conflict arises in a relationship, as it will, if my partner and I can't have a calm, rational discussion to work through our issues with out have "breaks" then why be in a relationship. I want someone to work with me, a partnership, not someone looking to jump ship at the first sign of water in the bilge. When I hear “break” now. I immediately begin to move forward. It's a breach of trust for me. Trust is a very hard commodity to come by.

It's just my opinion. Hope that helps.

[AiryFairy]

From my experience, men are not very good with controlling and portraying their emotions. I think he responded like this, because in reality he was deeply hurt and scared, but did not wish to show this- because perhaps male pride got in the way?
When I suggested this same thing to my boyfriend, this is exactly how he responded, at first I thought he clearly did not care, but it shortly became apparent that he cared a lot but didn't want to show it...

[supermannnnnn]

WOW. Your (EX) boyfriend knows what he's doing. He isn't " NEW " to the dating scene. LOL. He knows how to get the upper hand.

See? You are the one on this relationship forums looking for answers while he's just chilling, doing his own thing.

My question is why are you so concerned since you are the one who initiated this..?

[supermannnnnn]

A man's point of view.

Myself and my experience level with relationships. You say break, I say goodbye.

People in real relationship work through problems, TOGETHER. Sure... you can take a couple of hours to think through it but if you're asking for a few days, weeks, etc... I consider it a break up and walk away.

DITTO!.

From a mans point of view.

[raquinn]

To answer you supermannnn,

And for that matter Imabadman,

I say break up, he flips out and starts doing cartwheels to get me to change my mind. I say take a break he says OK, we've been fighting a lot, so sure.

The reason I come to relationship forums is because hey, this is basically a place where anyone and everyone can answer this question. So why not get a pull for multiple theories and ideas?

As far as trying to work things out, I have tried OVER and OVER again to reason with him to say, lets work this out, find a solution. But lately I've been hitting a brick wall to the point where it feels like he is basically going to be the way he's going to be until the day he dies. And maybe you do, maybe you don't know how much is sucks to be in a relationship where you want things to work out but no matter how hard you try, you still care too much about them to break things off and you'd rather be worn out and trying to find new solutions than give up all together and say its over.
Some people can look at that and say hey, its obviously not going to work, so just end it. But then again, it depends on the kind of person you are, what limits you have and when enough is enough for YOU.
I can't prevent my boyfriend from deciding its over with me, but just being the kind of person I am, I feel like there's a solution until you're too burnt out to try anymore.

[supermannnnnn]

Ummm. So he doesn't want to break up. But he wants to take a break? That's complicated.

Maybe that's what you guys need and that's why he's " SO COOL WITH IT "

Im just assuming.

May I ask you what the main problem is? What do you feel like he needs to change?

[redhed35]

Could I also ask what ages you both are? And how long you have been together?

Thanks.

[88sunflower]

Did you say this in the heat of the moment?
Its possible that's why he jumped on it. He was upset and sick of the fighting and took the easy road out.
Take time, cool down. See where you stand from there.

[raquinn]

My main problem is that I feel like he doesn't care anymore, when we were first together everything was perfect, and it was so obvious that he cared about me and stuff like that.
But now its in the point of the relationship it feels like he thinks he doesn't need to put anymore effort into the relationship to keep it going.
It often feels like a one-man-show. Which a relationship is more of a partnership, I've been bugging him about that for a while and I finally decided that maybe we need to take a break, I want to take a break to see "clearly" without him clouding my judgement. And I also want to know how this break effects him.

Maybe at the end of the break we'll both go our separate ways, or maybe we'll get back together stronger.

[raquinn]

Been together over a year, ages; 19 and 20.

[Imabadman]

There's so many varibles. Advice is never a "one size fits all solution". One universal truth; You need to argue less and talk more.

Tell him what your needs and expectations are and find out his. This isn't a confrontation, it's a mature relationship discussion. If you two can not align... well there you have it then.

[88sunflower]

But he is still clouding your judgement because your worried about this break. Take it for what it is. Go with it and see where it takes you.

If he wasn't willing to see that a relationship is like a partnership then maybe its best. Enjoy this time and see how you really feel in the end. Maybe you will be the one to want to stay apart and not him.

[supermannnnnn]

Hmmmmm.. Do you two live together? See each other too much? That's a bad sign if he's not showing like he's caring for you the way he used to.

Its not fair to you if your putting out more than him. It should always be 50-50.

Maybe you need to make him MISS YOU. Let him feel how it is without you.

I think your doing the right thing.

Maybe he said " OK BYE~ " in the heat of the moment like what Sunflower said..?

I think you guys need a little break to get some air and think.

[Cat1864]

Define 'break'. Define 'break up'.

For most people it seems 'break' means that you are still together as a couple even though you aren't currently seeing each other. Like a separation during a marriage or separate vacations. There isn't the finality of saying, 'good bye, have a nice life.'

From what you have written in your second post, it sounds like you may need to sit him down and have a non-confrontational discussion (don't argue, no blame, both people listen and get their feelings on the table) about where this relationship is going and what the boundaries are. See what areas you both are willing to compromise on and what areas neither of you are willing to budge on. If you can't work it out together, you might try seeing a couple's counselor or clergy to mediate.

I will say that if he 'hasn't changed' by now, no amount of screaming, begging, or breaks will make a difference. Don't hang on to this relationship for the sake of 'not wanting to give up' until you become bitter and resentful. There is absolutely no need to pack your baggage any fuller than it is.

[redhed35]

If you feel that your putting in more then your getting back,and have talked about till the cows came home and out again,perhps its time to call it quits...

If you can put your feelings aside for a moment and think about what are you getting out of this,because what your doing is not working...

You say in another post you're the type of person who's sees things through and tries to find a solution,weighing up the options and possible outcomes where do you THINK,not,FEEL the relationship is heading,based on the latest events?

[raquinn]

Yeah, all of you bring up valid points and I guess I came to this forum because I'm a worrier, I over analyze things which makes me question everything that is said and done.

But thank you all for the advice you have given, I think I made the right choice to take a break because by the end of it I think it will make things clear on where him and I stand.

We don't live together, we live relatively close to each other though, we hang out often, but not too often and when we do its not much talking because if we do talk we fight. And when we don't hang out he doesn't say anything to me unless I bug him to find out how his day is going etc.

[raquinn]

The definition of a break vs. break up

Break up: Over, done, have a nice life.

Break: Time apart but still together.

He just used to be different, and then he changed into "I dont need to put as much effort into this as I used to" and won't budge from that.. Well he's been showing minimal progress maybe I'm shooting too high and need to give him time to transition?? Not sure.

[Imabadman]

That doesn't sound like a very good 'relationship' to me...