[md81206]

So my ex who I have know for 8 years since we were in high school, we are now 21, broke up with me after 3 years. We grew up together throughout high school and she had admitted to me that she was always in love with me. I had always been there for her through her difficult relationship with a guy that had emotionally broken her. We were really close friends and got closer as we got older. As our senior year came we spent a lot of time together and had finally kissed. After graduation I had asked her out and it was amazing. The beginning was perfect and life was perfect. We spent everyday with each other and did everything together. After our first year, we still spent everyday together and still did everything together. We were each others best friends. We talked multiple times everyday for hours on end and would tell each other how we loved each other. We would make plans of our future and how we would live together and get married and have kids. We were in love and our families knew it. They thought we would get married one day. Her family loved me and my family loved her.

Our relationship never got old because we always did something new, even though we did have some routine things. I had bought her a promise ring for christmas, which she still wears today on occasions. I promised to love her always and she told me that she would always love me. In may of '09 she turned 21 and we had celebrated with friends and family, though I was still 20 at the time. She has never been a very social person and has been shy around new people that she does not know. She was never a partier or a heavy drinker. But in July she had gone to san diego with a co worker and friends for 4th of July weekend and had gone to clubs and bars. When she came back I had noticed that she was different. Apparently she had fallen in love with going out and clubbing and drinking and meeting new people. That was all that she wanted to do now. Since then, she would go out every weekend with co workers and friends to clubs and bars and not get hoe until 4 or 5 in the morning. She was going out with her co workers more than she was with me. Months later she had gone to her ex's house for a party for his 21st birthday. I was completely against it but she went anyway and there she had met up with an old high school friend. They kept in touch and talked everyday afterwards. They became very close as she had helped him put together his grandfathers vigil.

A month later, she broke up with me and said that she was confused about herself and needed time to figure herself out and wasn't sure how long it would be. I was devastated and begged her not to do it but then finally agreed. I went on NC for awhile but then I couldn't take it anymore and I had texted her. A few days later we had breakfast and talked about things. She said she was happy experiencing new things and loves to go out. She explained that she still loves me and cares about me but now she had developed feelings for this guy and cares about him. She said that they see each other a lot and talk every day. I took her home and we talked more. She still wasn't sure how long it would be because she was still figuring herself out. We had kissed passionately and she said that she missed me but cried and said that she was sorry because doing this was too hard and was only making things worse. Every now and then she texts me saying hi and how am I. I try not to respond but sometimes it is too hard and I end up saying hello back. I know this is bad because I feel like I want to talk to her all day and night everyday.

I am still so deeply in love with her even though she has broken my heart. I know she is the one for me. I just cannot take her being with someone else and it is difficult seeing how different she is. She is the same person I fell in love with. I don't want to be with anyone else, I just love her too much. I can't let her go. I'm afraid to lose her forever. What do I do?

[amicon]

She's changed and her feelings have changed-this happens and somehow you must accept this. This is where staying out of contact with her will help you get over the breakup.
Every time you break NC you ll find yourself hurting more.
Whatever happens in the future you need to recover from this here and now. Don't text her don't call her .
At the top of the relationship page are stickies with advice what to do after a breakup-read them.

[Ithappenstoall]

You have been with her through a period of change. She is still young and so are you, what I mean is that people usually try and see who they really are and what they really want at this age. Do not try and beat yourself it is part of life. A girl usually changes a lot during her 18 - 22 years of age and this is her going through the changes.
It does hurt to see her different, to see her becoming something you don't like, but it is better to see it now than later where it would be even more difficult on the both of you. I am dating someone who is 22 and she told me that she has changed from what she used to be a year ago, a year before she met me. Sometimes people changes quicker than other and it is a pity when it happens when you were with her, however lets be honest high school to college is a huge huge change and that where you usually become who you want to be.
It does hurt but that fact of the matter is you were both bound to change, you might not think so right now but believe me you will, it is hard nowadays to see high school sweethearts still together, is sad but it's the way it is now.

[Ithappenstoall]

All you can do now is take the good memories from what you had, cherish them, learn from this experience, get better, take your time, no need to rush into anything, and get on with your life.

For you to get better, I would suggest no contact since your wounds are still fresh, 6 months to a year from now you might look at this differently, trust me a lot of us did... read some on my threads if you want, I have been there
Sincerely,

Ithappenstoall

[artlady]

I agree with the above advice and would add that you simply cannot force someone to be with you when they have made up their mind that the relationship is over.

She will most likely always have "a love " for you as she cared for you deeply at one time.I would not read anything more into that statement.

That is not the kind of love that sustains healthy relationships.She has fallen out of love and moved on and for your own health and well being you need to do so as well.

She is experiencing life for the first time as an independent woman and she has matured and changed.

You can not go backward in time and you must accept the facts if you are to ever have any inner peace.

Maintain NC and continue to grow as a person and know that while this feels devastating right now ,time and working on NC will help you to move on.

Sometimes we only have people in our life for a brief time.You treasure that time and understand that some things are not forever.

[md81206]

What hurts too is that she said that she needed to do this for herself and not be in a relationship, but then she starts spending so much time with this guy and doing things that we did when we started dating. Its like, really, is this what you need to figure yourself out, is to not be with me, and be with someone else? Is this what will really make you happy?

She had told me at first that she never said that we will never be together again, but right now at this point, she needs to do this and that she doesn't expect me to wait for her. The sad thing is, both she and I know that I will secretly wait for her because I do not find anyone else as attractive as her both personalty wise and physically. But I am starting to find her unattractive for the fact that we have always wanted to get married and have kids, and she wanted them to happen soon and couldn't wait. Now, she absolutely doesn't want to have kids and never wants to get married. It just hurts to hear this from her knowing how she once felt. I just feel like the past 3 years have been a waste of time. And I don't know if I could completely drop her from my life because of our 8 years knowing each other and time before we dated. Its like everything I ever knew and loved is changed and gone. I just can't believe that she could give up an 8 year friendship and 3 year dating relationship so easily and over night. Its like I just want the life I had back.

[overayear]

Mines and your story is similar, the long friendship and all so trust me when I tell you that the best thing to do is to let her GO. She is at an age where these changes start to happen. I know you don't see it now but you are at an age where its going to be nice to be single. :) Try and not think about what she is doing and who she is hanging out with because that will do nothing but hurt you. You thinking about her and wondering what she is doing isn't going to change anything. Just get back in touch with your friends and try every day to see that is can be a wonderful start to find out who you are as well. No one know what the furtuer will hold, but don't wait on her to make up her mind. Go out and have your fun too, life is to short to wait on someone. She is trying to enjoy her youth and have as much fun as she can. If she comes back then OK, but you should know that isn't going to happen anytime soon. Don't fall for the false hope.

[md81206]

Yeah she has changed so dramatically. She once was a shy and quiet and humble person that did not like the life of partying and clubbing and drinking. She had lost some weight when we would go to the gym together, but stopped going when she noticed that she was losing weight by clubbing and dancing so much. I think that her weight loss and the attention was getting from it got to her and went to her head. I have been hanging out with my friends and am constantly finding things to do but there are many days and nights that I can't stop thinking about her and what she may be doing and with who. She went from loving me more than anything and me being the most important thing in her life to now not wanting to be a part of me at all. I am not really waiting for her because I am doing my own thing with friends, but I know I can't forget about her because I am afraid of completely losing her. And the sad thing is, she did say, us getting back together isn't going to be anytime soon. I do want her back more than anything.

[paxe]

what hurts too is that she said that she needed to do this for herself and not be in a relationship, but then she starts spending so much time with this guy and doing things that we did when we started dating. its like, really, is this what you need to figure yourself out, is to not be with me, and be with someone else? is this what will really make you happy?

she had told me at first that she never said that we will never be together again, but right now at this point, she needs to do this and that she doesnt expect me to wait for her. the sad thing is, both she and i know that i will secretly wait for her because i do not find anyone else as attractive as her both personalty wise and physically. but i am starting to find her unattractive for the fact that we have always wanted to get married and have kids, and she wanted them to happen soon and couldnt wait. now, she absolutely doesnt want to have kids and never wants to get married. it just hurts to hear this from her knowing how she once felt. i just feel like the past 3 years have been a waste of time. and i dont know if i could completely drop her from my life because of our 8 years knowing each other and time before we dated. its like everything i ever knew and loved is changed and gone. i just can't believe that she could give up an 8 year friendship and 3 year dating relationship so easily and over night. its like i just want the life i had back.

They usually do that, the need to find myself, and then hop with another guy (when they say that it means she wants someone else).

You need to apply NC now! More time passing texting her and knowing her whereabouts is wrong. Not only that, you are willing to wait for her and she knows you are waiting for her? Come on! That makes no sense, be a man and grow some pride (or else).

There is no excuse in keeping contact with her and trying to take care of yourself. The more you pass in contact with her, the more pain you will get (trust me, I've been there).

[supermannnnnn]

MD8... There's nothing you can do to make her still want you. ITS OVER! ACCEPT IT!

You are making a BIG BIG mistake by secretly making her feel like you will wait for her! BIG MISTAKE! She will take advantage of you in a second and put you on the back burner and ONLY come to you when she needs you.

Do not let her disrespect you like this... YOU ARE A MAN!

Sorry for sounding harsh but listen to this. She is probably with her new boyfriend right now having sex with him... DO YOU STILL WANT HER BACK??

If she really loved you, would all these things be happening? NO! She does not love you anymore. ACCEPT IT!

The very best thing you can do is accept this then move on and BETTER YOURSELF AS A MAN!

Workout, take a dance class, learn how to cook, martial arts, DO ANYTHING you heart desires and keep busy. DO PUSH UPS ( that always works for me ) , Go buy some new clothes, get a haircutt, Do anything to better yourself.

LISTEN. THIS IS A GAME. You are losing this game right now. If you want to win, YOU MUST DO THE FOLLOWING!!

1) NEVER CONTACT HER AGAIN! Phone, Text, Email, Facebook, Myspace... No cheating! Ignore all her calls and everything. Delete her number from your phone. Throw away everything that reminds you of her.

2) Learn to HATE HER GUTS! Look what she did to you! How do you feel right now? Like crap right? She did this to you! She is with that other guy, doing who knows what right now! I don't think you want her back after that!

3) BETTER YOURSELF AS A MAN! Do those things I listed above.

4) After you better yourself, you will be more confident and project that AURA and stand taller. Then other females will want you... INCLUDING HER! Be better than her boyfriend now. Then you will have the CHOICE OF choosing if you want her back or not. By that time, I bet you will want something new!

Let me tell you. This game is like FISHING! The more you pull , the harder they pull. The more you give in, the more they come to you!

She thinks that the grass is greener on the other side. In reality, its not. Only seems that way at first glance. But when she realizes this, it'll be too late because you'll already be a BETTER , STRONGER man and you probably won't want her back anymore.

So if you want to win this game. Read above...

Good luck.

[md81206]

its so hard still not talking to her. She called me yesterday after 2 weeks since the last time when I just had to text her and hear from her. I didn't answer. But it was hard not to. If she called so randomly, how do I know if I missed my chance? Maybe she wanted to say how she misses me and she's sorry? Maybe she wanted me back? Now illl never know. I hope I did the right thing and didn't pass up the moment I was waiting for.

[bella99]

You have a similar story to a couple people on here right now - definitely read some of the other threads at the top of the list and think about what you would do if you were in their position - because you are. Feel free to read mine too. My ex broke up with me told me he had wasn't into the relationship anymore - didn't want to date anyone and then just a little bit later is dating some girl - it stings.

The truth is - people change - its part of life - when you are in high school you have no idea what life with bring - when you are in college things change. People that didn't used to drink or do drugs do it - and it sucks, but you can't put them back the way they were.

Sounds like there are a bunch of things changing including the marriage/kids thing. You guys are definitely too young to hop into that right away - need time to find yourself first.

Don't wait for her - it's the worst thing you can do! You will be waiting - missing out on other better opportunities - while she is out having fun. Right now - you are going to compare every person on the street, in a movie, in a song to your exgf. That's absolutely normal. NO ONE is going to compare right now - you need to just go have fun and do things to take your mind off her (I suggest sky diving - worked for me).

Also - don't talk to her - don't find out what she is doing - the less you know -the less you will be hurt that she is doing things with out you.

In a few months- you won't think about her every day and it will be time to start meeting new women with the potential to date.

Good luck!

[bakalosb]

Excellent!

[md81206]

Thanks bella99. That really summed up a lot. After 2 months it is still so hard but I know it will get easier. Its just hard to let go of not only a girlfriend, but a best friend. Time can only tell. But hanks again.

[bella99]

I know it really hurts - everyone on this message board can definitely sympathize with you - we have all been through it. The only good thing about this is that you learn from it, and it makes you a better person and hopefully a better husband in the future :)

Keep your chin up - there are great people out there.

To take your mind off it, why don't you try volunteering somewhere? Not sure where you are located but if you are in the US - right now a lot of places like food banks etc need help for the holidays putting together baskets of food and delivering to families in need. Fun activity you can do with your friends-help others too and meet new people! It helped me a lot

Oh and jumping out of a plane put it all in perspective as well hahaha

[md81206]

Again thank you so much to everyone for your comments and advice. I am taking my life day by day and looking forward to what tomorrow may bring. I know in the end I will be a better person for this experience, with or without her.

[paxe]

Yep! That's for sho!

[supermannnnnn]

its so hard still not talking to her. she called me yesterday after 2 weeks since the last time when i just had to text her and hear from her. i didnt answer. but it was hard not to. if she called so randomly, how do i know if i missed my chance? maybe she wanted to say how she misses me and shes sorry? maybe she wanted me back? now illl never know. i hope i did the right thing and didnt pass up the moment i was waiting for.

MD8. LISTEN TO ME! You did the right thing by ignoring her call. DO NOT QUESTION YOUR ACTION! You did the right thing! Now you are starting to win this game and turn the tables in your favor!! She's CALLING YOU! SEE! HAHAHAHAH...

Keep ignoring her. NO CONTACT!! You are now letting the fishing line LOOSE and watch how fast the fish comes back...

Why would you even listen to her sorries? She probably already messed with that other guy and the other guy dumped her. She's running back to you for emotional support. DO NOT BE THERE FOR HER! She does not deserve it! SHE PLAYED YOU!@ AFTER THAT LONG SHE PLAYED YOU LIKE YOU WERE NOTHING!

Keep up NO CONTACT! Trust me...

[Ther4peuticH3at]

2) Learn to HATE HER GUTS! Look what she did to you! How do you feel right now? Like crap right? She did this to you! She is with that other guy, doing who knows what right now! I dont think you want her back after that!

Be careful prescribing hate. Hatred is something that you carry around; it can weigh heavily on your heart. Hate can make you just as vulnerable as love. What you want is apathy. Find a place where she means nothing to you; acknowledge that she is no good for you and remove her like a cancer from your life.

.. You don't have to hate the tumor, you just get rid of it.

[emopunk7]

What ever happened?