[basketballlover]

Okay, so my dad is 54, quite honestly fat (with the double chin and all), has grey and all and isn't very good looking. Now by some disillusion my dad thinks that he is hot. He keeps talking about how he could get a 30 year old and all that. That he could "seduce" a 30 year old. Now my dad has had two major relationships. The first was with my mom. Now he was about 35 and in shape and actually good looking. Then he had someone else who had about 15 years difference. (by the way he and my mom have a 12 year difference) and he was okay looking then. Now my dad thinks that he can get any 30 year old that he wants, and he always goes on about how if he really wanted he could get laid with a gorgeous girl of 26-40. No one older than that. I've tried to explain to him that most women wouldn't go out with him if he is 24 years older. He seems to want only the girls who have "supermodel" good looks. And he is quite repulsing in my opinion. Now when he starts drinking he gets in that mood where he is apparently irrisistable. He sort of blames me for his dating life. Is there anyway that I could explain to him that the girls at 30 most likely not be interested in a guy of 54 with a teenage daughter. Especially with the 24 year difference. That most women want someone to have children with or something like that. Or should I just drop it. If I should drop it, what do I do when he starts blaming me for his dating life. Sorry if this is a bit confusing I had trouble putting down my feelings on paper.

[EverettDad]

Sounds like your dad is going through a midlife crisis. Most guy wants to go out with a lady with super model good looks, but deep down we know what kind of woman we can "get." I am sorry that he blames you for his problems. Instead of putting him down, maybe try going for a walk or exercising with him so that he can get back into shape and then maybe he could get a 30 year old babe... lol

[Fr_Chuck]

I think you are wrong about your dad, and about who he can date.
First many women look at other things than looks, they will look at stable life, good job, and if they are fun to be with. A lot of 30ish ladies really prefer an older man,

In fact, I am in my late 50's, over weight, grew and a little bald, I am blind in one eye and limp and walk with a cane.
Guess what before I settled down this last few months, I dated every weekend, and sometimes during the week. Most of the ladies were at least 15 years younger, a couple younger than that, a couple other my age. You go out by asking them, the more you ask, the more yes's you will hear.

So if he wants to, he needs to go for it. But not while drinking, drinking too much is one large turn off for many so he needs to work on this more sober.

If he wants, perhaps go to a gym, use some hair color.

But in the end, I ended up with a wonderful lady about 15 years my junior, who was a college cheer leader and is a professional musician.

So to be honest your are just wrong and need to be more supportive of your father.

[basketballlover]

First, he doesn't have a stable job. Next he is about 230 pounds all fat. It isn't all about looks but I just don't see him getting a supermodel looking girl.

[Gemini54]

I can understand why he irritates you.

But it seems as if he's having a major mid-life crisis which is severely impairing his judgment! It's all wishful thinking of course, and mourning for his lost youth.

It's actually quite hard to grow older, become invisible to the people you'd like to attract and remember that once, a long time ago, you were hot.

Cut the guy some slack and leave him to his fantasies. If it makes him feel better to know that he could pull the latest supermodel, then so be it.

You can't change what he's feeling at the moment. It's part of what some people go through as they get older -and it's not easy.

You can't change him, but you can change how you react to him. Try and see it with a sense of humor - my dad and a supermodel - yea right.

Don't take him seriously and if he's really annoying, go do something else. Avoid him when he's drinking, and if he starts to blame you for his dating life, tell him to button his lip.

Hopefully, in time it will pass.

[basketballlover]

Thank you for the advice. I can understand that he realizes he is getting older and all but it's just hard when he blames me for not dating. And when he starts talking about him and a 30 year old, he actually believes it. I try to be supportive but after he goes on about it for 15-30 minutes, I just lose my patience.

[Gemini54]

Thank you for the advice. I can understand that he realizes he is getting older and all but it's just hard when he blames me for not dating. And when he starts talking about him and a 30 year old, he actually believes it. I try to be supportive but after he goes on about it for 15-30 minutes, i just lose my patience.

I don't think you need to be 'supportive' of his fantasy - what I was trying to say is that you should change your reaction to it or ignore it.

The more you argue with him about it, or talk to him about it, the more you reinforce it. I reckon ignoring him is the best policy. Or saying something like 'ew, you and a 30 year old? '

Don't let him blame you for the dating stuff - just tell him to get over it, it's not your fault!

I was just saying the other stuff because I know what it's like to get older...

[Stringer]

Growing old(er) isn't so bad, it's the alternative that's worse. :)

Eleven years ago I was introduced to a beautiful young lady. I was 20 years older than her, we were fortunate in that she was an 'old soul' and I have always had trouble keeping that 'little boy' inside me in check. So we kind of met in the middle and celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary last Monday.

She makes me feel like a young puppy and she loves me too. Yep she shows it and tells me everyday, I am truly the luckiest man on earth.

So, yes it can happen even with a large age difference, after my divorce, I was single and dating weekly for 18 years. Never did I think that I would ever get married again.

So, all you old timers out there... there's hope still. :)

Stringer

[jmjoseph]

Even though it's not fair for him to blame YOU for HIM being alone, let him think that he's capable of "pulling hot chicks".

Maybe deep down, he knows that it's not going to happen, but what's it going to hurt?

We have a girl at work that thinks that we all undress her with our eyes. The truth is, some mentally try to put MORE clothes on her. She's not very attractive at all. But you see, none of us would ever want to hurt her feelings, so we play along. I guess "high self esteem" is better than low. She compares herself to the latest movie stars, and hottest models. She's not CONCEITED, she's CONVINCED, and that's OK with us .

So let him live in fantasy land, and maybe he will be happy too.

You just enjoy being a teenager, and know that "stud-daddy" being lonely has nothing to do with you.

[Stringer]

Gemini54 agrees: Nice story String! But I bet you weren't sitting on the couch drinking beer boasting about how you were going to do it before it happened!

Yeah... your right, never did that. Actually I was having a lot of fun while I was dating, but I am happier now for sure.

[basketballlover]

Thanks again for all the advice.

[dontknownuthin]

Who knows who would or would not have sex with your dad. What concerns me is that he'd have this discussion with his teenage daughter -exceedingly inappropriate. I'd be careful about bringing your friends home - he's not right in the head.

[basketballlover]

Yeah see he often confronts me about not having any friends. What he doesn't know is that I don't bring them home because I'm embarrassed of him. I don't know if I should feel bad about that, but I don't.

[earl237]

For some reason, men have an amazing ability to not see reality and delude themselves. He must own a mirror.

[Jake2008]

Dontnownuthin picked up on the most important fact here I think.

The relationship between the OP and her father is really out of whack. Talking about school, boys, basketball games, curfew, etc. should be somewhere in the ballpark.

Talking about who he can have sex with, and blaming his daughter for the lack of it, is not parenting.

To the OP particularly, you are old enough to understand that you have choices here. His private life should be kept private, and no good father would be having discussions about his sex life with his teenage daughter. You are not responsible for anything that he feels is a problem in his life. He's an adult.

I hope you are strong enough to make it clear that you no longer wish to know anything about his sex life, his personal preferences in women, how you are ruining things for him, etc.

Then when he starts, walk away. He'll get the message.

[basketballlover]

It just seems that every time I start to ignore his complaining he goes looking for a fight. Or he gets emotional and starts to cry. It doesn't help that he drinks but how do you deal with something like that. I wouldn't think its appropriate either but it seems like an inevitable part of living with him.

[Jake2008]

This is such an unfair burden on you, and nothing you have done has caused this.

We all learn with drinkers, and emotional blackmailers, how to cope, and live our lives around their problems. For an adult it is bad enough, but for someone like yourself being so young, it is just so unfair.

Is it possible for you to get help for yourself. I am not saying anything is wrong with you personally, but help to see how to cope better and deal with your father.

I'm holding back my anger here, because I grew up with a similar thing going on. I understand how difficult this is, and that above all else, your needs are not being met, and your life is not a happy one, as it should be.

I don't know where you are, but even if you have a family Doctor, why not go and talk to him/her, and ask for referral for counselling. There are so many good people out there for people of all ages.

I think that it would do you good to sit face to face with a counsellor and talk it all out. The counsellor in turn can offer you advice and guidance on how to live with your father, and any other options that may be available to you.

You don't have to take this all on your own, there is help out there for you.

One thing is for certain, no matter how hard you try, you will never change him. Time to put some changes in your life.

[basketballlover]

Thank you for your advice. Not trying to be mean, but it is nice to know that I'm not alone with what his going on. I will talk to my doctor about a counsellor.

[Jake2008]

I am so glad you came back, basketballlover.

You are certainly not alone, and I am confident that you being able to see your Doctor and get into counselling, will be the best thing you could possibly do.

That you are willing, really says a lot about your character, and I have to admit I respect you very much for taking that step.

You may not be able to change anybody but yourself, but the effort will be well worth it.

Take good care of yourself.

[basketballlover]

Thank you again jake2008.