[dlowell08]

I've read a couple posts on here, explaining that the best way to go about healing yourself is to adhere strictly to the No Contact Rule. I am thinking about doing this, but I have some specific questions to ask about it.

In my situation, I am a sophomore at college who met this girl in the first couple days of my freshman year. This girl was my neighbor as well as in my class (that extended and was a year long). Probably due to these circumstances, we were pushed towards each other. One of my roommates always went to bed early, so at night I would almost always go in and hang out in her room with my roommate, her roommate, and another girl from our floor. We all got along pretty well, but me and her especially clicked, and I developed strong feelings for her 2 or 3 weeks into school. Due to constantly seeing her and realizing that her rejecting me would be impossible to get away from because of how often I saw her, I ended up waiting until the spring to ask her out. She said yes, and we went out, both of us (seemingly) very happy with it because we were such good friends first. What I didn't realize at the time (it became very apparent over the summer) was that, in our entire time together, she never went out of her way to hang out with me/text me/call me, it was always me reaching out to her. Over the summer, I realized this, but made a firm resolution not to argue over the summer. Now, this was my first real relationship, so I admit I might have made a mistake here, I shouldn't have kept my feelings bottled in, but instead of not telling her, I ended up just not texting/calling (obviously, she did not text/call either, but when I did it, it basically brought our relationship to a halt).

When we got back to school, I planned to talk to her and explain the problem, assuming that she liked me enough to make an effort to communicate more with me. However, when we talked, instead of her thinking about what she could have done differently/how she could have worked harder, she just said the whole thing was too hard and she didn't think it was worth it anymore (funny that she didn't think that when I was doing all the work). However, she still wanted to go back to being friends, even though as friends it was still terrible for me reaching out and helping her while she never tried to do the same for me. I didn't explicitly say it, but the way I walked away from her when it got too much to take showed her that I did not want to talk to her.

About a week later, she texted me asking me to talk. I did not want to torture her the way she did me by playing games, so I just responded saying she needed to think about what she wanted and then talk to me. A few days later, she said she wanted to talk. I suspected she didn't really think it over, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she did and agreed to talk.

We talked, she seemed to listen to me, and told me she wanted to change, that she didn't like always being in her comfort zone. I told her if she was willing to try, I'd help her. We both agreed to go back to being friends, but then things led to things and we were kissing and then going out again.

It's been three weeks since then, and she seemed to make a good faith effort for the first couple of days, but pretty soon she was back to not trying, not making an effort, etc. I told her we needed to talk, and due to both of us having busy schedules, the silence between that lasted a week. Last night we talked, I told her that while I felt I was at least trying to work on some of the problems she had with the relationship (honesty), she was not really trying to step outside her comfort zone for me. She said that she just didn't feel comfortable doing that, that she hated how our relationship inevitably became a cycle of a brief happy period followed by problems (even though I consider myself a pretty mellow guy, the only problems I had with her was that she didn't seem to care), and that she wanted to go back to just being friends. After a lot of strain, I told her I would.

However, that night, our original group (which not coincidentally had grown to include a few more of her close friends) went out, and I realized that I just couldn't pretend like I was okay with going back to being friends. I put in so much more than her, so seeing her be happy with me being just one of the pack was too much. Tonight, our whole group is supposed to go out for a Halloween party. Part of me doesn't want to go out, but I know that I shouldn't let her control my life. But I am planning on telling her face to face that I don't wish to contact her anymore.

The problem is, she is such a big part of my life. We were both freshmen that came into school knowing no one, and we both made the same group of close friends. If I am ever with them they end up talking about her. She is in one of my classes and I sit with her. When we go out to parties she is in our group. I really don't have another group of friends that I am as tight with, because I haven't needed one. Obviously I could start trying to make new friends, but a little bit into sophomore year, a lot of people have already settled on who they hang out with. In addition, I go to a huge school, so it is hard to make close friends, a lot of the people you meet become your casual friends. So I am not sure if I will be able to cut her out of my life, it seems like she will constantly pop back up. How do I stick to the No Contact Rule when it seems like she is always around?

[Ginny Finny]

Well delete her number for starters and don't reply to any of her texts. I doubt you will be able to totally avoid her, but you don't need to talk to her when she's around. If she looks at you, turn your back on her, if she gets into a conversation you are having with friends that are her mates too, then turn away. Act like she's not there, and eventually it will be OK. Yes its going to be hard at first, but you were strong enough to make this decision and realise what you want, so I'm sure you will get through this =)

[talaniman]

Could this be a sign you need to expand your friends, or activities, to get out of your circle sometimes?

[amicon]

Get involved in activities that don't include your ex. Make friends with new people-it ll happen if you put some effort into it.
Have as little contact with her as you possibly can-that s the most quick way to get over the breakup.

[dlowell08]

Thanks everybody. Yeah, I guess I'm going to have to find some clubs or something and make some more friends. I didn't realize it before because all of us always hung out and it was never a problem. I deleted her from my phone/facebook, but I still think about her way too much. Are there any tips for not thinking about her? I still wake up every morning earlier than I'd like and just lie awake with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

[talaniman]

When you wake up, get up, and get busy with something. Anything is better than just laying their thinking.

[Just Looking]

Can you do something productive when you wake up? I'm not sure how early you are waking up, and I realize you probably have roommates who you can't disturb, but if it's a decent hour you can workout, go for a run/walk, do some schoolwork, read, etc. The worst thing to do is to stay in bed and think about her. Are you getting enough sleep? If not, work on ways to sleep better – wear yourself out before going to bed, make sure your bed is comfortable (though dorm beds are the pits usually – I brought in my own mattress) and your room is comfortable (on the cool side).

The best way to not think about her is to concentrate on yourself and your interests. I also went to a large university (30,000 people). There was always something to do – lectures, clubs, sports, and lots more. I met people throughout my years there. I don't buy that people are set in their friendships. Just think of all the new students who have just started school there. Have fun, learn as much as you can, and move on. There are so many girls out there for you to meet. Good luck.

[amicon]

It helps if you get out of bed straight away have a shower a coffee read the papers watch the news go for a walk/run and keep doing this every day on autopilot if need be until you feel better. No point staying in bed feeling miserable. Remember in time you ll feel much good again.

[dlowell08]

Yeah, that sounds good. I guess I'll get up and take a shower or something.

She sent me an email replying to the email where I explained to her that I would prefer not to communicate with her anymore. She says that she hopes I can talk to her when I'm ready, I feel that is unfair to put our relationship on me, but obviously I am not talking to her so I am not going to tell her that. I do think when I'm ready I will try and be her friend but I feel after everything she's done she is going to have to be the one who contacts me (and only when I'm ready, if I'm not she'll have to try again).

But yeah, I definitely feel worse after reading her reply. I wish I had the power to just delete it without looking, but I am way to naturally curious for my own good.

[ORD8]

Reading her reply is only natural my man. If you didn't you would probably go crazy thinking about what it said. I do the same thing. However, knowing that her email made you feel worse just confirms why you need to stick to the no contact rules. Any contact takes you two steps back. Don't feel obligated to keep someone in your life who if its not healthy for you. It will probably be some time, but you might eventually get to a point wher you can be friends, but until then focus on your own well being.

[amicon]

Block her email address-delete her phonenumbers or change your own. That s how you protect yourself.

[dlowell08]

I've got a question for anyone out there. For guys, did your girlfriend ever call you or ever unexpectedly get/do something for you? For girls, same question, but I am asking if you personally did. I want to get an idea of if how dysfunctional my relationship was.

[amicon]

Do you mean do as in a nice surprise or a treat?

[dlowell08]

Just something that was not expected. Not something like giving your boyfriend a birthday present because he gave you one first. Not something like calling him because he told you to call him. But something that was completely thought up by the girl on her own, something unexpected.

[amicon]

Well yes-whenever I ve been in relationships I ve done things like buying little gifts,cooking a favourite meal,bought tickets to football games etc, and my exes have done the same. My take on this :its part of what you do to show your love and affection.
I don't mean this as an attempt at buying someone's love its just nice little things you do to show you care.

[dlowell08]

Yeah, no I don't think you're buying love or anything. I just know that my girlfriend never did any of that. She never even called me (we go to the same school, but over the summer). She would say that she cared, but everything she did suggested otherwise. She made me so ridiculously insecure because she never went out of her way to let me know she cared, and almost made it seem like I was doing her a favor by talking to her.

Over the summer, once I realized she never called/texted, I decided to stop for a week to see what she would do. She didn't do anything. I called her, told her about it, she apologized and said she would try. Later in the summer I realized she still hadn't called and had barely texted, so I stopped calling/texting again. She didn't do anything... again. I basically learned that she was willing to let the relationship die if it meant doing a little bit of work that I didn't think was asking too much.

It sucks because I loved (and still do) who she was, but I couldn't live with how she acted towards me. After we broke up the second time, I convinced myself that she just wouldn't try to change no matter how much it was hurting me. The problem is whenever I think about her, it is about who she was, not how she acted.

[Just Looking]

There are so many girls to choose from that you will find one where you will love both who she is and how she treats you. This part of your life is about figuring out who you are and what you want. Your relationship has taught you something about yourself. Don't settle for less than you want.

[Something_Here]

Obviously I could start trying to make new friends, but a little bit into sophomore year, a lot of people have already settled on who they hang out with.

I'm in my fifth year, and I've made a bunch of new friends this semester, so it's definitely possible. You could take up some kind of organized (team) sports, or join an organization or something, that's a great way to make new friends. It's not too late.

[dlowell08]

Hey everybody. I'm actually in a good mood right now because I talked about it with one of my good friends so I already vented it all out, but I need advice on how to handle this situation.

So, my ex now lives a floor above me. On that floor, I have quite a few good friends. I was invited to the floor IM flag football team (this was before we broke up) and I accepted and played with them as recently as last week (again, before we broke up). She had never played before, I guess because she was always too busy.

Today, I knew there was a game and nobody made any indication that she would play to me, so I told them I would go. After I got there and started warming up, one of my friends was on the phone asking my ex's best friend where she was. I interrupted him and asked him if that meant she was coming to. He guiltily and sheepishly said "yeah", and "my bad". I walked over to get my stuff, and waited for her to go through the gate before I left. After I didn't see her go through for awhile, I just said screw it and left.

I guess what I am wondering is, if we did both play, how would I handle the situation? Or did I handle it correctly by just leaving? Not that I care what she thinks, but for reasons I don't really understand I don't want to look like I am hurting to her, I don't want her to know how I am feeling at all. She's lost that privilege. Did I act correctly? Or should I have stayed?

[talaniman]

I would have stayed, and played, and had a great time. That's just me though.