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dlowell08 · Nov 5, 2009, 11:34 PM

So, now that both of us have played on the team, what if next week, we both play?

I'm really confused as to what to do. I don't know if I would be able to take it (I could front and take it, but it would hurt), but like I said, I'm not trying to show weakness. I don't know. If I get there first, I think I'll play, but what if she is already at the field when I arrive?

I know am allowed to be selfish now, but the thing is, I am just not a selfish person. It's her floor, I figure that I am a guest on the team, and I wouldn't stop anyone who is actually on the floor from playing. It's not that I am trying to make her feel comfortable. I just don't feel comfortable intruding.

dlowell08 · Nov 6, 2009, 08:19 PM

Anything? I promise you, just because I am writing in a composed tone, doesn't mean I am not going through some terrible times right now. Any advice on what to do is appreciated.

amicon · Nov 6, 2009, 10:16 PM

Generally speaking you have the right to partake in any events you like never mind that your ex might be there. Once you ve gone through the first hurdle so so speak you ll probably feel more comfortable with the situation.
All breakups are hurtful but you will feel better with time-its not a cliché but the truth.
Take care.

dlowell08 · Nov 8, 2009, 06:28 PM

Should I try not think about her at all? Or will that come eventually?

Does it only come eventually if I make a conscious effort. Because every night before I go to bed, I think about her. I only think about the bad things and all the frustrating things I never got a chance to tell her she was doing.

Is this bad too? It's hard not to think about her, because all my happiness when I am hanging out with other people feels empty. Like even if I'm not thinking about her, knowing I will think about her when I am alone makes me enjoy everything less. But do I need to train myself not to think about her or does it come naturally?

amicon · Nov 8, 2009, 10:39 PM

Hi.
Where you re at at the moment thinking about the ex is rather normal Id say. Could you start doing something like reading in bed before you go to sleep? That might help you take your mind off things.
When you re out with your friends try to enjoy yourself as much as you can-you need to allow yourself to have fun!

dlowell08 · Nov 14, 2009, 03:13 PM

So, it's been two weeks since the No Contact start, and I am doing a lot better, don't confuse that with good, but I am starting to believe you all when you say it gets better with time. Since I want to get there though, I got to ask you all some questions about how to go about it properly.

1) I go running with what is essentially her roommate (next door neighbor and part of her "group"). She has never brought my ex up in front of me, as we went over that, and I am pretty close to certain that she would never bring my ex to go running with us. Is this a healthy friendship for me to continue?

2) I am in class with and sit next to this girl who actually is one of her roommates. We never talk about my ex, I have never explicitly told her not to do so, but I think she gets it. The thing is, I know for a FACT she is closer to my ex than she is with me. But as long as she keeps us separate, is it okay for me to be casual friends with her?

3) I am still thinking about her every night. Now what I think about is all the things I would say if I had one more chance, all the ways I would tell her she screwed up. I have been writing a lot about all this too. I know you guys say to just not think about her at all, good or bad, but honestly me playing over in my head that she screwed up is in a way therapeutic for me. The problem is I really don't know if I will ever stop being able to think about her, and that is kind of scary. Do I need to start forcing her out of my mind? How do I do that (and I mean besides staying busy, because there are still plenty of moments where I am alone by definition, shower, going to bed, going to the bathroom, walking to class).

4) Lastly, one of our mutual friends is a part of her "group". It is complicated though, because I know she is closer with me, yet she necessarily hangs out with my ex and her friends more (because she lives next door and, like I said, all the people I hung out with freshman year kind of stuck with each other). Well, lately she has been talking to me about how isolated she feels from the group, and that my ex by far isolates her the most, and really telling me her feelings about the whole situation (which mirror my thoughts about how my ex treated me and really helped me realize it wasn't just me). She doesn't really have anyone else to talk about it with though. My question is, can I still help her out through her problems even though one of her problems is my ex? Is it okay to talk about her if I am doing it to help out a friend? But if it is, how am I going to not care about her either way if I am constantly reminded of the bad things she does?

I sincerely believe I could get myself to think of my ex in an only negative sense, but from what I have read on this board, the ultimate goal is to not think about her at all. So I feel guilty for even thinking bad about her.

Any help is appreciated.

amicon · Nov 15, 2009, 03:10 AM

I d try to make some new friends if I were you-anyone who s close to your ex and especially if they have issues with her are too close for comfort.
As for thinking about her that will fade with time. Keep your mind busy and try not to dwell on the past.

dlowell08 · Nov 21, 2009, 10:09 PM

First off, I want to extend a special thanks to amicon for all the advice and help.

Second off, I don't know, I'm worried. I'm worried I will never be able to stop thinking about her. It's been three weeks and she still dominates my thoughts. Is this normal? Maybe I am doing something wrong in no contact which is why I seem to be stuck in the not devastated, but seemingly not making any progress zone? There was one point, probably a little over a week ago, where I was feeling amazing, and I would just say to myself "not worth it" when I thought of her. But lately I've been feeling pretty down, and I can't overpower my thoughts, they seem to be overpowering me instead. How do I take control?

Any help is appreciated.

talaniman · Nov 21, 2009, 10:50 PM

I know its not easy but you can control your thoughts by having a plan of action when you do think about her. Also be patient as it takes time to replace old memories with new ones.

amicon · Nov 22, 2009, 01:27 AM

Your feelings are normal and you re not doing anything wrong-you will find that as time passes, you ll have more ups than downs. Be patient with yourself and like Talaniman said have a backup plan-lose yourself in physical activity,watch films that make you laugh, read a good book etc.
Take good care of yourself.

amicon · Nov 23, 2009, 12:10 AM

This is in response to what you posted on the NC thread- you're still holding on to false hope and that's what's holding you back. That's what most people do for a while but once you move past that,as you will,you'll start feeling a lot better.

dlowell08 · Dec 5, 2009, 11:55 PM

I have a lot of angry feelings towards my ex, I think about her a lot, and I am always incredibly pissed at her and how she could use me like she did and not even care.

Is this healthy? Or do I need to let this go? To be honest, I feel like letting it go benefits her. She just gets to go on thinking what she did was okay. I know I don't talk to her ever (I saw her today though), but rationally or not I am really pissed at her, probably because I only realized what she was doing after I started No Contact, and I never got closure or got to tell her how messed up she was towards me. I understand that I am not supposed to talk to her, but I can't let this anger go. Should I? Will I? What do I do?

amicon · Dec 6, 2009, 01:38 AM

Your anger is normal,considering the circumstances Try channeling it into physically demanding sports and maybe pour all your angry feelings into a letter which you then destroy.
It will go away so don't worry.
Take care.

dlowell08 · Jan 14, 2010, 02:22 PM

So, things were going MUCH better over winter break. We live far away from each other and none of my friends at home (besides the ones who go to school with me) know her so I don't have to fear her coming up in a conversation (even though a lot of my friends at school are good at that, there is still always the possibility, which is really unnerving). It was a good break that gave me perspective on some very valuable things (like remembering that I have a LOT of friends back home, so I don't need any at school that aren't going to treat me as an equal, no matter how few I have).

School is a different story. I've been back for two weeks, and I've seen her like 6 times, 1 time laughing and smiling. She's rude too. Today she was with her friend in the computer lab I was working at, and she was talking to her. I put my headphones on and blocked it out, but I would have thought she would at least have respect for my feelings. Or maybe not. I have a sneaking suspicion that she hasn't reflected at all on what she did and put me through and is therefore not taking it too hard at all. I sincerely want to just let her have it and tell her all the bull things she did and how terrible of a friend/girlfriend she was and how she used me and how she set me up in terrible positions and all this other crap. Is this even normal? It's been two months and three weeks since it has happened, should I still be feeling this? Is it different because I feel used? I don't like these feelings of wanting her to feel the same type of pain that she made me feel (cause I sincerely doubt she took it that hard), but I can't get them away. I thought I was making tons of progress, guess not.

I know I am being the bigger person by not talking in front of her when I walk by her with my friends. I know I'm being the bigger person by not inviting her roommates or anything to hang out (though they often hang out with my roommate). But honestly, I'm the one who got used. Why is it that I am the only one trying to be the bigger person? It is incredibly frustrating when deep down you start to realize someone won't change but you still want them to. But I can't just let go of seeing the best in her. Does that inevitably fade? Or do I need to take steps to MAKE it fade?

Goddamn, not one of my better days.

amicon · Jan 14, 2010, 02:38 PM

You're allowed the odd off day or two.
You had a good time over your hols-now you're back where all this happened-so it's bound to make you feel a bit down in the dumps.

Being the bigger man is the way to go.
They-none of them-should be dignified by a reaction from you.
Keep up your good work and keep believing in yourself.

dlowell08 · Jan 14, 2010, 03:48 PM

But I don't even think she realizes that doing stuff like talking in front of me or inviting my roommate to hang out has an effect on me, she probably has no idea. So I don't even know what being the bigger person accomplishes, honestly.

amicon · Jan 14, 2010, 04:02 PM

What's your option?
Telling her and losing face?
She's probably an emotional cripple and you're not.
Ignore her-ignore her behaviour.
New semester-new life.

dlowell08 · Jan 14, 2010, 04:39 PM

I know you're right, I do and I appreciate it. I'm not going to go do anything I regret cause my head is stronger than my heart. But it's so hard to accept that she won't change, as much as I told myself I had moved on. Maybe it's an off day, but though I've made a few new friends so far this quarter, they just don't fill the void.

I'm living with some people that don't know her next year, so I think that will be better for me, I just feel like I have to survive this year because we both set it up this year so our lives would be intertwined (or at least mine would be intertwined with hers, she played me and shielded herself damn well), so it still feels like she is always there.

I guess it's just good to be told and reassured that what I'm doing is the right thing because out here no one knows what I'm going through and I start to feel isolated and like I am overreacting or something. So thanks. I'll make today a good day hopefully.

amicon · Jan 14, 2010, 11:11 PM

Here's wishing you many good days and new better friends. :-)

dlowell08 · Jan 15, 2010, 02:14 AM

Like, in summary, today was a good day. I made the best of it, met a few new people, and celebrated my friend's birthday. But then when we were all sitting in my dorm room, and my roommate gets up and just says, see you. And when one of my friends asks him what he's doing he says he is going to party with the people "upstairs" (which is as vague as he can put it). It's not his fault, he tried to not explain it, but still now I am sitting here knowing that she's out tonight having a good time and I just don't want to hear anything about her anymore. That news just killed my mood. It's like every time I feel like I am close to getting out I get sucked back in. Either I see her around or she subtly enters the conversation. It's terrible.