[buckley11]

Hi everyone. I'm new to this site and in need of some advice. My girlfriend dumped me 2 weeks ago, and I haven't seen her since. I did send her a letter saying I was sorry for a few things and that I loved her, but I didn't ask to get back together. I'm trying to respect her decision and her space. She thanked me for the letter (via email) but didn't reciprocate any of the feelings. She did say she still cared about me and wanted to be friends. I emailed her back regarding a few of my belongings that are at her house that I still needed to pick up. I offered to pick them up when she was working, but she emailed me back saying that it would be nice to see me, and that I should pick up my stuff when she is home. I'm still in agony over this break up, and I think that by seeing her, I may erase any of the progress I've made in the last 2 weeks, in terms of getting over her. Why do you think she wants to see me? I have a feeling that she may feel a little bad about the breakup, and by seeing me, and maybe apologizing, she could help herself feel better about it. I don't know, I'm confused. Do you think I should make excuses to pick up my stuff when she's not home, or just bite the bullet and see her? I just think that seeing her at this point would be too difficult, unless she wanted to talk about real stuff. Also, her roommates would probably be home too, which would make things extra awkward. Should I enforce the no contact rule? Sorry about all the questions. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[azif]

Do you need your stuff urgently?

If you aren't ready to see her yet don't.

Awkward isn't so bad, if you really need it drop by when her roomies are home and she's not and collect it

I've had stuff at my exes for a month and a half now. I don't know what I feel any more so until I'm OK I'm going to avoid her

[redhed35]

In the fog of your heartache you have the right idea of what is going on.

1. you know that by seeing her it would cause you pain and set you back.

2. most likely she wants to relieve some of her own guilt.

3. getting your things while she is not there is a good idea,or get someone else to collect them for you.

4. she ended the relationship,she has no hold on you now.

5. keep no contact.. no more letters/emails/texts... nothing.

She has no right to ask how your doing,since she is the cause of the hurt...

Move on.

You will get stronger,and you will survive this.

Read the stickies at the front of the relationship thread,I recommend the thread started by 'friend4U' to begin with.

This is an excellent post that many in your position can relate too.

[amicon]

Have to spread the rep but its excellent advice red.
OP you have the right idea. Good luck and well.

[Something_Here]

I would listen to redhed if I were you. Meeting up with the ex can be very painful, take it from someone who was just in your situation. You said yourself that she only wants to be friends, and if she really wants to talk about "real stuff", then you can always do it further down the line when you've healed a little.

You can be glad you found this forum, there are a lot of people here who care, and who give great advice.

[I wish]

She's the one who broke up with you, so she's been emotionally prepared for this breakup before you; therefore, she's further along than you in the recovery process. So, in her point of view, seeing you would be harmless.

But that's not vice versa. As you've staed, you're don't want to reset all the progress you've made. So don't allow yourself to have this unnecessary setback. Wait for her to be at work before you go pick your stuff up. Or, have a mutual friend go pick it up for you.

Wait until you've completely healed before considering seeing her again. You're doing great by avoiding contact. Once you've healed, you will feel more objective about everything.

[talaniman]

Your question-

Why do you think she wants to see me?

Your answers-

I have a feeling that she may feel a little bad about the breakup, and by seeing me, and maybe apologizing, she could help herself feel better about it.

That could be very true.

She did say she still cared about me and wanted to be friends.

And this is all the way true.

Should I enforce the no contact rule?

Get your stuff, THEN leave her alone.

[buckley11]

Thanks everybody for the advice, this helps a lot. I just have this hope that maybe if I see her, she'll want to try and work things out. That's what I meant by talking about "real stuff." This is probably false hope. I just still can't believe that it's over. I don't want her to think that if I avoid her, it's because I'm hurting or bitter, but I guess that's inevitable. My living situation is complicated too. I moved out of her (our) place, but owe 2 more months of rent there, because of the lease. UGH! I'm living at my parents' house temporarily, and they don't have room for all of my stuff now, so I have to wait for a while to get my furniture out of my ex's place. I guess I'll just try to keep things amicable between us until I get the rest of my belongings out. This sucks. I can't stand the feeling that she may be totally over me already, when we used to have such an amazing relationship. She used to be so in love with me, but just put up a wall in the last few months, and our (girl) roommate just seemed to become a bigger priority in her life than me. Anyway, I appreciate the advice. I'll just try and stay strong with the no contact rule.

[buckley11]

Also, she was never good at expressing her feelings, and never seemed emotionally affected by much. She'd never want to talk about the relationship, and always wanted me to just know that things are "fine." I guess I don't want these qualities in a girlfriend anyway, lol.

[Something_Here]

I just still can't believe that it's over (...) I can't stand the feeling that she may be totally over me already, when we used to have such an amazing relationship. She used to be so in love with me,

I know exactly how you feel. I'm three and a half weeks in myself, and it's painful as f. At this stage I guess it's just about passing the time and hanging in there :)

[buckley11]

Update: I ended up meeting with her at a coffee shop 'cause she texted me a few times saying she needed to discuss some business stuff about our house, and also that she wanted 'just to talk.' I probably should have said no, but... We met and she was pretty business-like at first, just discussing our housing issues with very little emotion. I noticed her eyes starting tearing up a little but I just brushed it off. As our small talk continued, she totally started crying. I tried to stay strong, and just asked, "Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?" She just kind of nodded "no" and asked if I was OK. I just shrugged. She kept crying and asked if we could be friends. I told her that I couldn't be her friend now because I'd need to be out of contact with her to get over her and move on with my life. I told her maybe in a year or so, which is probably a little extreme.

This meeting was SO STRESSFUL! In retrospect I feel like I should have told her I was still in love with her, asked for her to come back to me, something like that. I don't know if I did the right thing or BLEW IT because of my pride. I really wasn't expecting her to get that emotional.. In fact, it was the most emotional I've probably ever seen her. I don't know if this means she has feelings for me, or if they were strictly tears of guilt. Of coure I want to feel like she misses me too, but I really have no idea how she feels anymore. She really didn't say much else.. we both just kind of got up, I kissed her on the cheek, and we parted ways. We've exchanged a few emails since, but they've been strictly about when I could get the rest of my stuff, the lease, etc. She did say in one email "I know it's too soon to be hanging out and I'm so sorry." Anyway, I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know whether to pour my heart out to her one more time or just leave her alone for good. I miss her sooo much. PLEASE help. Did I do the right thing? Thanks.

[amicon]

Im sorry for your pain. Any meeting contact etc is bound to open the wound.
You handled it well though-and as for your ex being emotional -that d be anybodys guess-so try not to spend time figuring out why she was tearful.
Carry on as you were-no contact.

[buckley11]

I really appreciate everybody's help and advice, even though I feel like I went against it and met with her. BIG mistake, I know. It was just my false hope telling me she wanted to talk about getting back together. Denial is a , lol.

[amicon]

False hope s a b***h!
Come back and tell us how you get on.

[libby11]

I agree with all that has been said. Believe me she has a PLAN. One of two things to make sure she made the right decision by dumping you and or trying to see what's going on in your life because the unknown makes her curious. You know that she knows you are a good guy and now she want to see if you have been snatched up by someone else and if so she wants to know who it is, how she looks, how old etc. I say stay strong and MOVE ON!

[Gemini54]

Don't pour your heart out to her, you'll just feel like $hit afterwards.

Best to keep it businesslike. She probably got teary at the last meeting because she was guilty and hoped that you'd be the one to break down. Good on you for staying strong.

You did the right thing. It's time to stop seeing her or you'll end up feeling super stressed each time it happens.

She may have dumped you, but you can hold your head high and maintain yourself respect.

[Something_Here]

Kudos for staying strong. I'm not the expert here, but I think you handled yourself very well.

[ManOfTheYear]

Well my man you have two options here. In which one of them will be a little harder then thee other, but here goes...

1 ) You can do like you sated and just pick up your things will she's away at work.

2 ) Now this is going to take some confidence. But you can pick your things while she's home, but when you get there, I know she's going to want to talk to you and be all in your business. So just walk in speak, be polite, be brief. Grab ALL your belongings ( no 2nd trips ) and tell her you have a previous engagement you must get to, and don't have time to stick around and chatter. And BOLT...

You are not obligated to hold ah conversation with her at all, its just up to you to be strong and confident to go in and get out. But then again the choice is yours, that's just something I would do if I were in your predicament.

Ohh yeah bruhh don't trip hard off females man, you win some you lose some. Test have shown that woman are like buses...
Every 15 minutes ones coming ( ladies no disrepect inteded, just truthfully speaking )

So give it a minute go out and have fun and do you, and I bet one will pull up curbside going the same way your going!!

[I wish]

There's still a lot of healing to do on both sides, so move forward with your lives.

Wait for the emotional dust to settle and for the healing to be completed before having another conversation. But until then, talking to each other now will just be torture for each of you.

Just keep moving forward. Even though you did meet her at the coffee shop, it sounds like you're making progress. Seeing her at the coffee shop sounds like closure for you, because she made it clear that she just wants to be friends and doesn't want to it another shot. So you won't have to live with this false hope anymore.

Stick with NC from here on.

[Imabadman]

Update: She kept crying and asked if we could be friends. I told her that I couldn't be her friend now because I'd need to be out of contact with her to get over her and move on with my life. I told her maybe in a year or so, which is probably a little extreme.

This meeting was SO STRESSFUL! In retrospect I feel like I should have told her I was still in love with her, asked for her to come back to me, something like that. I don't know if I did the right thing or BLEW IT because of my pride.

I don't know if this means she has feelings for me, or if they were strictly tears of guilt. Of coure I want to feel like she misses me too, but I really have no idea how she feels anymore.

I don't know whether or not to pour my heart out to her one more time or just leave her alone for good. I miss her sooo much. PLEASE help. Did I do the right thing? thanks.

Damn fine job of handling this situation. This could be a 'sticky' in itself. I abbreviated your post.

You were right to tell her you can't be friends. Listen, for me trying to be friends with an EX was a nightmare. Sure some can do it... many fail. I'd venture to say most fail. There always seems to be an agenda. You took the smart path. Trust me a year or longer is probably about right to even consider friendship. Eliminate false hopes.

Sure she has feelings for you. But they are probably not the same feelings anymore. What she misses is the friendship, someone to talk to and not necessarily the love, romance, and physical aspects of the relationship. She's also feeling really guilty and wanting your acceptance for what she has done.

DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL WITH HER! EVER! Read that again. Keep yourself in check at all times. You get emotional and you'll only push her further away. No muttering... I love you, I need you, miss you, blah... blah... blah... It's needy and desperate, two highly unattractive traits. It's all right to feel those things, don't show them. Stand tall and confident. Every time I come to this site I read about others in this exact situation and this tends to be their BIGGEST BLUNDER. Then they'll tell you about how they're not needy or desperate as they text off "I miss you" "I love you" in 30 second intervals.