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Lovelee · Apr 24, 2008, 08:04 AM

All threads merged into one for the whole story

There is a misconception that the One who breaks up doesn't care about the person because they are the ones who ended it, well that is so not true.
My Boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and we had our share of problems believe me. We broke up in the past very briefly and he wanted a reconciliation so we decided to get back together. I broke up with him a couple of weeks ago because he just didn't have time for me. He was dealing with a lot of stuff, the illness of his father has taken a toll on him and he works day and night. On the nights I went to him he would fall asleep in mid conversation and put his head on my lap and just fall asleep. This frustrated me very much because it seemed like all he cared about was work. I appreciate a hard working man like the next woman but 7 days a week from morning till night? This was ridiculous, he is self-employed so this was uncessary. He would tell me he is in love with me and wants to marry me but I just need to wait until he can pay off his debts and help pay for his father's medical expenses. I think he is a workaholic who's main interest is making money.
Three weeks ago we both went away separately. I went overseas on vacation with my sister and he went to visit his relatives. He said he would call me with his contact information. Well when I came back he didn't call me until 3 days later but I missed the call. I tried to call back the next day but it went straight to voice mail. I think he should have made a greater effort to reach me but I guess he was too "busy" to do it. I turned off my phone and changed my numbers for a week so that he would not be able to contact me. He knows I'm a straight shooter and I have very little tolerance for nonsense but as harsh as it may seem this is method of breaking up works for me because keeping in contact with him will only make breaking up harder.
I really do care about him and its hurting me that it turned out like this but this is the way I deal with things, cutting off contact all together. Perhaps when he returns we will be able to talk about things but for now it doesn't look good for us. I know he really cares for me but I felt unappreciated too long.

ISneezeFunny · Apr 24, 2008, 08:10 AM

I don't think anyone ever said that the dumper doesn't care about the dumpee...

The problem actually comes up because the dumper actually DOES care about the dumpee, and tries to not hurt the dumpee, and does the "we need space"... and this sends the dumpee into a confused outlook as to why they broke up, etc.

I know my ex cared about me, and I know she still does.

talaniman · Apr 24, 2008, 05:22 PM

Sneeze is so right as all to often we see a breakup, and the poor dumpee is in shock and disbelief, and then the dumper comes with lets be friends, and still in shock, the dumpee agrees. Don't give the person you dumped any false hope, with that friends crap. Let the guy get over you. If you care as you say.

Lovelee · Apr 24, 2008, 08:32 PM

I have no intention of hurting him. I don't think friendship is a good idea either because I don't want to give him false hope. But what will I say or do if he suggests a friendship?

Scleros · Apr 24, 2008, 09:10 PM

Originally Posted by Lovelee

I broke up with him a couple of weeks ago because he just didn't have time for me.

Did you explain to him that he's risking your loss through his inattention? There will always be "stuff" to be dealt with on both sides. What are you dealing with that it isn't your turn to be there for him?

Originally Posted by Lovelee

I appreciate a hard working man like the next woman...

Have you told him? Have you discussed balancing work/home life with him?

Originally Posted by Lovelee

He would tell me he is inlove with me and wants to marry me but I just need to wait until he can pay off his debts and help pay for his father's medical expenses.

Doesn't sound like a bad plan to me. If you're in debt, getting out of it should be a priority. I see a responsible man who takes care of family and wants to be a good provider, especially if he's self-employed as there are no guaranteed paychecks. He's working for YOU.

Originally Posted by Lovelee

I turned off my phone and changed my numbers for a week so that he would not be able to contact me.

I've had a phone number changed on me. [opinion of you deleted] I'm surprised he's still talking to you.

Originally Posted by Lovelee

this ... method of breaking up works for me...I know he really cares for me, I felt unappreciated too long

Rationalization for using contact as a weapon to punish him.

Romefalls19 · Apr 25, 2008, 05:37 AM

So let me get this straight, you feel unappreciated because he is working to get HIMSELF out of debt and take care of his father? Family comes before any relationship in my eyes, I would rather have my father healthy and living than some girl who gets their panties in a bunch because I am working to help someone who helped me as a child!

Then you go the childish route and get angry because he couldn't call you right away when you wanted him to. You both were on vacation, ENJOY IT! Then you change your phone number because of that? Are you 15 years old? That's not being a straight shooter, that's being stuck up and someone who thinks they should be priority number one in life. NEWSFLASH! Family is the most important thing, they were there before you and you know what... They will still be there after you

Lovelee · Apr 25, 2008, 06:43 AM

Originally Posted by Scleros

Did you explain to him that he's risking your loss through his inattention? There will always be "stuff" to be dealt with on both sides. What are you dealing with that it isn't your turn to be there for him?

Have you told him? Have you discussed balancing work/home life with him?

Doesn't sound like a bad plan to me. If you're in debt, getting out of it should be a priority. I see a responsible man who takes care of family and wants to be a good provider, especially if he's self-employed as there are no guaranteed paychecks. He's working for YOU.

I have helped this man out financially on several occasions, sometimes he would swallow his pride and ask for assistance and sometimes I would offer to help him and he never refused. I make a pretty decent living so I never had a problem giving him anything and he would be the first to admit it. I want to be there for him and he just doesn't accept it. He didn't tell me about his father until very recent and it bothered me because I could have offered him emotional support as well. He is like a brick wall lately not letting "me" in.

I've had a phone number changed on me. [opinion of you deleted] I'm surprised he's still talking to you.

Rationalization for using contact as a weapon to punish him.

I have discussed this with him several times in the last couple of months. We are both busy hard working individuals but at least I made the effort to see him. In the beginning our relationship I was the busier person and he sulked a lot about it. I told him that my company gave me a lot of materials to go over in a short amount of time and so I wouldn't have time, yet I compromised made time to see him and to tell him that I am there for him despite my responsibilities.

I don't believe he is still talking to me. He was the first one to turn off his phone on me, I took that as he didn't want anything to do with me so I did the same. In our last conversation before I went away I called him to tell him how much I'm going to miss him but before I could say anything he just came on and said in a very annoying voice, "let me call you back", knowing full well that communication between us would be shut off for a week. This is a give and take. If I were to get into the specifics of everything you might see things differently.

Lovelee · Apr 25, 2008, 06:50 AM

[QUOTE=Romefalls19]So let me get this straight, you feel unappreciated because he is working to get HIMSELF out of debt and take care of his father? Family comes before any relationship in my eyes, I would rather have my father healthy and living than some girl who gets their panties in a bunch because I am working to help someone who helped me as a child!

Then you go the childish route and get angry because he couldn't call you right away when you wanted him to. You both were on vacation, ENJOY IT! Then you change your phone number because of that? Are you 15 years old? That's not being a straight shooter, that's being stuck up and someone who thinks they should be priority number one in life. NEWSFLASH! Family is the most important thing, they were there before you and you know what... They will still be there after you[/QUOTE

I never disputed that family isn't the most important thing. I totally agree with that, I just wish he had let me help him more from shutting me out.

Romefalls19 · Apr 25, 2008, 06:53 AM

Sometimes people deal with things very internally, I know I do. If I am having a problem, I sort it out myself and try not to bring my problems into the lives of others. It's a complex thing, we don't want to plague someone else's life with our issues and just think we can solve everything ourselves

Lovelee · Jul 12, 2008, 01:03 PM

I know that sometimes when couples reach a certain stage in their relationship they want to make a strong commitment by moving in together and that's fine for some people but not for me. He recently came back after three long months apart. Just before he left we got into a fight and I was concerned that our relationship will not stand the test of time. But he told me that he loves me even more now and wants us to live together. I am moving into a new place and he said it would be perfect if we lived together but I don't want to. I have verbalized this to him before and he just shrugged it off but I meant it. When he asked to move in I smiled and tactfully changed the subject. But I know he will be asking again and I don't want to hurt his feelings. The only way we live together is if we get married. He has mentioned that he wants to marry me on several occasions but I know that its in the future. I have no objection to him sleeping over sometimes but the actual living together is a different story. I don't know how to break it to him easily. Knowing him he will think that I'm not serious about him but that's not true at all.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 12, 2008, 03:24 PM

You tell him you're not comfortable with that situation, that you have very strong beliefs and opinions about living together. He either understands it or he doesn't. If he does not respect your reasons, he is not for you anyway.

Don't do anything you don't want to do, especially that. Living together is too big a step to make if it's not something you want to do.

hjpan · Jul 12, 2008, 04:38 PM

Age and relationship time?

Lovelee · Jul 12, 2008, 05:14 PM

Originally Posted by hjpan

Age and relationship time?

I'm 31 and he's 37 and we've only been together for 8 months.

hjpan · Jul 12, 2008, 05:16 PM

Originally Posted by Lovelee

I'm 31 and he's 37 and we've only been together for 8 months.

Not enough time. Wait for one year & half.

talaniman · Jul 12, 2008, 06:36 PM

Just my opinion,
Living together= Experiment

Marriage= Commitment

6 Months = Have fun getting to know a stranger.

6-12 months= Exclusive dating as its good enough to continue having fun and learning each other

18-2 years Growing together, bonding, and laying the ground work for good communications, and working together to solve your problems, to the benefit of you both. This is also where serious talking about the future comes in.

Stick by your guns, if he can't handle the heat, get him out of the kitchen. There may be no easy way of doing this, but honesty is best.

ISneezeFunny · Jul 12, 2008, 06:44 PM

My girlfriend moved in with me after being together for a year.

... I went crazy after 6 months.

hjpan · Jul 12, 2008, 07:19 PM

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

My gf moved in with me after being together for a year.

...I went crazy after 6 months.

Hahaha!

Homegirl 50 · Jul 12, 2008, 07:26 PM

8 months is no time, and you've already had one break up. Stick to your guns. If he does not like it, he is not for you anyway.

Lovelee · Jul 12, 2008, 08:57 PM

Thank you guys for your advice. This isn't going to be an easy task believe me. When he looks at me with those georgeous eyes makes it that much harder. He's on his way over right now and if he doesn't bring it up tonight I certainly wouldn't.

ISneezeFunny · Jul 12, 2008, 09:02 PM

Good luck, and not to downplay this guy's emotions towards you, but 8 months is a very short amount of time and is even considered still being in the "honeymoon phase"... enjoy it.