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notsogreat · Oct 12, 2009, 06:33 AM

Hi All:
I have been a frequent visitor to this site, and have never posted a question. But now I feel the need to try and understand what is going on with my ex-fiancee? He and I were together ten years, the relationship was rocky to say the least, but no matter what came our way, we always stuck together. He has cheated, lied, manipulated, and used me in so many ways, but things were good for the last 2 1/2 years, so I felt that the two of us had grown together and were finally at a wonderful place. Then I had to have a pretty serious surgery, and before this happened, he and I had numerous conversations that he would always be there, and help me through it, and we were set to be married this past Saturday, however last year two weeks into my 8 week recovery from the surgery he dumped me. He told me it was because we were complacent and it was more of a friendship kind of relationship. Well needless to say I was heartbroken, then nearly two weeks after the breakup, I found out he was seeing a woman who we both were acquainted with for a few years, and within a few months they moved in together. Well before they did move in together, he was contacting me about getting together for sex, and yes, I did do it. Then I felt guilty about being the "other" woman and broke it off. He then started contacting me by text, phone, pretty much begging me for one last time, I stayed strong and refused. Once he found out that I would not have sex anymore with him, he ceased all contact with me, and he and his girlfriend started growing stronger together. I decided to go NC and have been doing better, so I thought. Well, I just found out my ex-fiancee decided to propose to his girlfriend on our wedding day last Saturday and of course she said yes. Two months ago, she found out about he and I hooking up last year, and he lied to her face and said that it never happened, then later she asked me to see the texts that I saved (not sure why I still had them), and she read them and things were rocky between them, but now all of a sudden, he realizes that she is the love of his life and she is the love of his life and they are getting married. I was with him ten years, ten years people, and he so casually moved on as if I was a minor distraction in his life, I saw him through a 3 1/2 year incarceration in prison, numerous deaths in his family, etc... And I was basically chalked up to be a nothing for him. I know I don't want him back, clearly there was a co-dependant issue here with me always taking care of him, and not getting my needs met. My questions are how come this still bothers me? And how can a person who is with you so long just casually cut you out of their life and move on? And very quickly too. I thought she was a rebound for him, but I guess not. I know that some of you would tell me to don't worry about what he is doing, he has a right to move on, and that is right, he does, but how come I can't? I have tried therapy, I have been in therapy since 2007 trying to understand my own issues. I am still bothered by this breakup and we have been broken up a little over a year, and we were last intimate in Dec of last year. I seriously don't know what my problem is or how to fix it. Please, any advice would be helpful. Thanks so much for listening.

azif · Oct 12, 2009, 07:09 AM

Sounds like you are much better off without him.

People marry their rebounds although you shouldn't eveen be concerning yourself with it. Just accept that he's moved on. One door closes another opens

Cutting contact will help ( how did you show his wife/ girl texts if you were out of contact maybe you were hoping to sabotage his new relationship which is understandable. But as long as you're in touch and hoping to get him back you won't heal)

I wish · Oct 12, 2009, 07:10 AM

You're right, 10 years is a long time. But you also have to know that people change, feelings change. Change is inevitable.

I know it's hard to cut each other out completely seeing that you've been connected for so long, but he's not the same person that you feel in love with from the beginning. So in a way, you're actually cutting contact with a stranger.

It doesn't matter what he does with his live anymore, he's not part of yours. It's time for you to move on with your life. You had your good and bad times, but now it's all in the past. Time to move forward with your life to bigger and better things.

notsogreat · Oct 12, 2009, 07:30 AM

Originally Posted by azif

Sounds like you are much better off without him.

People marry their rebounds although you shouldn't eveen be concerning yourself with it. Just accept that he's moved on. One door closes another opens

Cutting contact will help ( how did you show his wife/ girl texts if you were out of contact maybe you were hoping to sabotage his new relationship which is understandable. But as long as you're in touch and hoping to get him back you won't heal)

Thanks for your answer. He and I share a Godson, and unfortunately we do see each other around, although we do not speak. His family and I are very close, he has cut himself from his family since the breakup, even though I and others reassured him that no one is asking or taking sides. His now fiancée contacted me when she heard from others about the relationship (or just sex) and asked me as a favor to send them to her. She said that she had asked him about us doing anything before and he flatly denied it, and looked to me for the right answer, which is really weird cause she should be able to ask the man she loves rather then the ex. He and I no longer call each other, email each other, we blocked each other from our network applications, and when we see each other it is just really awkward for everyone.

notsogreat · Oct 12, 2009, 07:33 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

You're right, 10 years is a long time. But you also have to know that people change, feelings change. Change is inevitable.

I know it's hard to cut each other out completely seeing that you've been connected for so long, but he's not the same person that you feel in love with from the beginning. So in a way, you're actually cutting contact with a stranger.

It doesn't matter what he does with his live anymore, he's not part of yours. It's time for you to move on with your life. You had your good and bad times, but now it's all in the past. Time to move forward with your life to bigger and better things.

I know that change does occur, and I get that. But why the secrecy and lies before the breakup? And how can someone who says they care so much about me totally just continue to hurt and disrespect me? He proposed to his new girl on our wedding day. And we had plans, deposits on hall, cater, etc. He took her to the place to propose that he said he wished he could have taken me too. I remember having a conversation with him the day after he proposed to me he said he wished he could have proposed to me in New York at the Statue of Liberty, and he takes her there to pop the question. I am just confused. I wish I could erase him from my head. I don't think he is a part of my heart anymore, but he is in my head every day. And just when I think I am done, something else happens and BAM, I am back to square one.

I wish · Oct 12, 2009, 07:43 AM

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but the fact that he's capable of such lies and deceit, it's difficult to believe anything he says anymore. His credibility is gone. All the lovey-dobey stuff he says has no merit anymore, whether he said it before or after.

notsogreat · Oct 12, 2009, 07:58 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but the fact that he's capable of such lies and deceit, it's difficult to believe anything he says anymore. His credibility is gone. All the lovey-dobey stuff he says has no merit anymore, whether he said it before or after.

You don't sound harsh at all. Believe me, during this long drawn out recovery time, I realized that too. He did contact me after his girlfriend found out about us, and without asking he basically wanted me not to send the info to his new girlfriend. His reasoning was, you don't know how she will be. If she does not trust me, it is over. So he wanted me again to bow down and degrade myself even more than I had for him in the past and contact her to tell her nothing happened, well I basically told him that I was done rescuing him and that I had zero respect and zero trust in him, he said that's fine, and hung up all mad at me. That was in August, now nearly two months later his trust has been reinstored and he proposed to her and she accepted. I knew that they would eventually get engaged, she will be his fifth fiancée (LOL!) but I never thought he would be so cruel as to do it when he did it and where he did it. But I am trying to find someway to get over this, but it feels like when I am picking myself up, he comes over and knocks me down again, and it never ends. I am so tired of all of this. Sometimes I want to run away, but I love my Godson and his family has been my family also through the whole relationship, when he was incarcerated for the 3 1/2 years, I grew bonds with them and they are like the family I never had. My own family is drug and alcohol addictive people (I believe this is where my codepency issues come from), and I love his family. But I don't know what to do anymore. UGH!

I wish · Oct 12, 2009, 08:00 AM

Leave each other alone until you've recovered from this break up. Keeping in touch with him or anyone that is linked to him will only prolong your recovery process. You need some time and distance away to gain some perspective. You need to be patient with yourself. You've suffered a heartbreak, no one can expect you to get over this overnight. I'm sure your godson's family will understand that you need take care of yourself first before worrying about someone else.

notsogreat · Oct 12, 2009, 08:07 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

Leave each other alone until you've recovered from this break up. Keeping in touch with him or anyone that is linked to him will only prolong your recovery process. You need some time and distance away to gain some perspective. You need to be patient with yourself. You've suffered a heartbreak, no one can expect you to get over this overnight. I'm sure your godson's family will understand that you need take care of yourself first before worrying about someone else.

Yes I know I should do that. I have had contact with his family regarding my feelings, and they all tried to warn me for years he was no good for me, and of course I was thinking with my heart and not my head and did not believe them. They are his family and they were telling me he was no good for me. I know I should have listened. I have tried not to be at places that they will be at, Since he is their family I always wait to hear if he will be at functions and I usually don't go if he is there. People talk about him and laugh about his life errors, and I do chuckle along as well, but then I stop and take a long hard look at myself and realize I was a contributor to his lifestyle, and by me giving in to his every need, I helped create this product of a man that everyone in his family balks at. He is 38 and I am 34. He has been a serial cheater since he was 18. I, like every other woman in his life thought stupidly we could change him, now I realize he will never change, he does not want to change, and he is no good for me. But that doesn't stop me from overanalyzing this over and over again in my head. I am afraid to date anyone else, how can you trust someone again after you gave yourself 100% to someone and they hurt you so bad. I am damaged goods, and I have so much baggage, I would never want to have another man suffer with my issues. That is why I am trying to take time for me, to rediscover the person I lost along the way. I just have a really empty feeling inside, where I wished he was still there. But wish with one hand wash with the other, LOL!

talaniman · Oct 12, 2009, 08:20 AM

You just need so much more time, than you have already given yourself, to recover what seems like a terrible ten years. Sure its going to be hard, and you will have questions, but start loving yourself, and doing things that make you feel good. That's only a start, and I wish I had better advice than that. You need a lot, and deserve it, but all I can offer is prayer, and support, and a cyber hug for your pain.

notsogreat · Oct 12, 2009, 08:52 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You just need so much more time, than you have already given yourself, to recover what seems like a terrible ten years. Sure its going to be hard, and you will have questions, but start loving yourself, and doing things that make you feel good. Thats only a start, and I wish I had better advice than that. You need a lot, and deserve it, but all I can offer is prayer, and support, and a cyber hug for your pain.

Thanks so much for your kind words Talaniman. Its been really difficult, and its hard to talk to people I am close to that know about his and my past, since they don't really understand where I am covering from. But I feel like you and the people on this site can understand what it is to go through a terrible heartbreak, and the steps you need to take to better yourself during the recovery, so I am so thankful that you all have taken the time to help me through my woes. I hope this makes me a wiser and stronger person in the future. And next time the flags are there, I will start listening much more to my head. Thanks again :)

notsogreat · Oct 23, 2009, 11:15 AM

Sorry, I am back again. Is it normal during a recovery period to feel good for a few days than BAM, something happens and you can't stop crying? I think I had some sort of an emotional breakdown for the past few days, and then yesterday afternoon I started feeling better. Why if I know that he is not the right one for me, and I am better off without him, I still hurt over this?

talaniman · Oct 23, 2009, 11:42 AM

Because your human and care. Yes its very normal for emotions that are deep to burst out on the surface. But it passes and will be back when you least expect it. No worries though as after a number of those emotional vents, you begin to cope with them better. Time will heal you though, so don't be discouraged

notsogreat · Oct 23, 2009, 11:51 AM

Thanks so much Talaniman:
Its so funny, I know that I am better off without him, and that I deserve somebody better. After I had my breakdown, where I may have alienated a few people I am close to, I started to feel freer. And while I am not even half way there yet, I do feel better. I just hope that I already hit my bottom, and I can find my way up to the top. I really appreciate your advice, I love your words of encouragement on the other posts I read as well.

notsogreat · Feb 12, 2010, 11:09 AM

Okay, so here I am again, I hope you guys don't mind if I do some venting. As Valentines Day approaches, I am having a lot of feelings of this breakup. Three years ago, he was proposing to me, in a crowded restaurant, on his knee in front of everyone proclaiming his love and promising to always love me and be there for me. It is three years later, and I have been dumped (about 16 months ago), and although the hurt is nothing like it was at first, this still bothers me. He is set to marry someone else this August, and I know deep down inside I don't want him back, nor do I want anything to do with him, but I can't help but feel abandoned and let down by someone I thought loved me unconditionally. Clearly reading through my previous posts, there were red flags through the whole ten year relationship, but I really thought we overcame everything and then it ended. We see each other occasionally at functions, but we have no communication, no contact. He stares at me a lot but I can't read the expression on his face, it is almost like its blank. There is not a day that goes by that I don't have a passing thought about him, but never is it anything lovey dovey about him. I am kind of still angry, but yet, I know both of us are better off apart. If I know deep down inside that we don't belong together, how come I just can't stop thinking about him? It is just frustrating. Any advice would be great.

amicon · Feb 12, 2010, 12:14 PM

There will always be memories-but you can choose to not let them bother you.
Let them be fleeting moments, then let them go and continue living your own life.

notsogreat · Feb 12, 2010, 01:51 PM

Thanks Amicon for you answer, but I am beginning to think that I do not know how to control the memories fleeting in and out. I seem to dwell, and my coping skills are not as good as others, when I am feeling blue, I do try to put stuff out of my mind and focus on other things, but my mind always seems to drift back into thoughts of my ex. I have nice thoughts at times of wishing him well, but there are other times where I am really upset and bothered by the fact, that it does not seem to faze him in the least that the relationship failed, and by how easy it was for him to fall in love again, really irks me. OY! I am just so frustrated, lol.

talaniman · Feb 12, 2010, 02:57 PM

I am beginning to think that I do not know how to control the memories fleeting in and out. I seem to dwell, and my coping skills are not as good as others,

Feelings and memories can be triggered by many things and holidays are right at the top of the list.

You are right, your still learning how to cope with feelings and memories that get triggered or that just haunt us from time to time.

I think its always helpful to physically change activities, or start one, as we are most capable of dwelling when we are idle, and doing nothing. Give it a try, and let me know.

notsogreat · Feb 12, 2010, 03:01 PM

Okay, thanks Talaniman I will try to change some things, and maybe that will help. I was thinking of joining a gym and maybe change my eating habits a little, by cutting the soda and maybe drinking more water. Maybe by exercising and eating better I will start feeling better too. I will keep you posted. Thanks for the advice :)

notsogreat · Aug 3, 2011, 12:54 PM

Okay, so it has been over a year, and I just wanted to let you all know how I am doing. I am absolutely wonderful. I am going back to school part time, and am maintaining a 3.56 GPA, as well as continuing to flourish working full time. I have been spoiling myself, treating myself well. And I have tried dating, but nearly 3 years after the breakup, I am perfectly content with being on my own. Do I get lonely? Absolutely... But I would rather be lonely and happy, then miserable with someone waiting for the next shoe to drop. Speaking of drop... I dropped nearly 20 pounds since my last post, and this past June I participated in the Cancer Walk and walked 6 1/2 miles. That is huge for me. I am really starting to find myself and it is amazing of how great I feel today.
As for my ex, he will be celebrating his 1 year wedding anniversary in the next few weeks. Unfortunately, I have minimal contact with him and his wife, due to the circumstances of our Godson, but we are at a Hello/Goodbye stage, and I hardly ever know he is in the room. Although this is pretty funny. He was bragging that he and his wife just brought a house, something he could never do with me, and how he finally made his dream of home ownership come true. But the deed was on line and it says that his wife is the owner, and he is NOT a co-owner, however he resides in the property. She has a 30 year mortgage, and he is not on either the mortgage on the deed. So if/when they divorce, because we live in a no community propery state, he would not get the house. However, he will be paying her mortgage. I love this! Karma really does catch up to people.
I want to thank this site for helping me through the pain I was in, emotionally, it was awful. But today I feel so dang good that it seems like a nightmare that I was in, and now I am free!!