[OneGoodGuy]

I was in a 2 month relationship earlier this year with an amazing woman... I fell head over heels for her and I thought she had for me as well; we always had a GREAT time together, GREAT chemistry. During those 2 months we saw each other most weekends and many weeknights as well for dinner dates (which typically lasted 5 hours! We were on cloud 9) In hindsight though, I think we were doomed by the fact that she had just gone through a BAD breakup with her long term ex only 1 month before she met me. To spare you tons of details, what we had had all the earmarkings of a rebound. Getting to my real point and question, we started getting intimate and sleeping together the last 4 weekends of the relationship. It was fantastic, and there was no pressure for sex in the first two weekends, actually she had indicated that she just wanted to "make love" without sex for the first couple of weekends; apparently she had some issues with men only wanting "one thing." Anyway, this was fine because we still had an amazingly intoxicating time. But then, after our second weekend together we had started discussing sex: she had suggested that we both go get tested for STDs together, and we were eagerly talking about having sex. But then on our last two weekends together, the topic of an STD test vanished... I don't know if she dropped it because I was obviously unable to get an adequate erection, or because she started to realize I wasn't right for her long term. Bottom line: I honestly wasn't able to achieve an erection good enough for intercourse on ANY of the 4 weekends we spent together. And on the last 2 weekends, I know she wanted it and I had EVERY opportunity, but could not; if I wanted to use a condom I'm SURE she would have went for it. She never expressed frustration, only joked at one point "looks like I'm not doing my job." She even admitted at one point that it is totally understandable, as exhausted as I was given all of our passionate making out all weekend leading up to bed time. But we continued to be extremely passionate, enjoying oral sex and so on. I know myself, and knew instinctively that my problem would go away with patience, I knew I was just nervous because I was so into her, as well as exhausted from our hours of passionate foreplay and not sleeping nearly enough because of all the excitement. I know I can get erections when I'm alone.

So we never had sex. We had 1 last dinner date after our weekends together, and many interesting things were said. When I asked her who her best friend was, she said it was me. She also said that all she wanted for her birthday was me (which was coming up). When I asked her what her biggest fear was, she said it was that things might not work out between us. Then later, she told me "I want sex," and I went on telling her how much I wanted sex too. Then later she told me that she was molested as a child. We ended the night as usual, with a long passionate kiss. This was the last time we were together as a couple. The following weekend she had a family event, and the Monday after she texted me saying "I can't give you the committment you're looking for right now," "I don't love you, I love the person you are." This was all contrary to everything she had expressed up until that point; she had said she loved me so many times, and in so many ways, and I believed it. But then she broke up with me on text! I was heartbroken, and still am. We got together 1 more time a couple weeks later for dinner, and the discussion was basically how she was numb and incapable of loving ANY man right now, since her ex had cheated on her, and she was unready for any type of commitment. Then we ended our date, as usual, with a big passionate kiss. In the following days I was really put off by what had transpired, in utter disbelief that she didn't love me. A week later she overreacted to my arguments on text message and cut off all contact. At this point I haven't seen her or heard her voice in 6 months, and now I noticed her profile back on a dating site, dating other people. So the bottom line is, I wonder why she left me?

I'm sorry for all the detail here, I thought it might be helpful for a more accurate appraisal. The main thing I'm wondering is, did she leave me because of my inability to perform on those last 2 weekends? Or normally, would a woman(if she's into you) stay in the relationship and work on the problem together, with tender loving care and patience? I want to know why I was abandoned!! I know that I could have amazing sex with her if she was patient and persistent, but she left. What should I think? This conundrum has undermined my ability to sleep at night and be at peace. I truly regret not being able to have sex with this woman, as I really felt she was "the one." I was crazy for her, and it didn't help that she was gorgeous.

I can add more detail, of clarify some things further if you need me to, just let me know. Just a little more background on her: She comes from a broken yet very loving family, and her mom has some mental issues that had impacted her ability to raise the children properly, so her father was sort of the hero who really raised them. I don't know who molested her as a child. And oh yeah, she had just gotten out of a loveless 5 year marriage when she started dating her latest ex, who was an MD in Michigan; she started dating him before she was even divorced. She flew from CA all the way to Michigan to see him; she flew out there probably 15 times to his 2. Then 8 months into the relationship he propositioned her to sleep with him and a stripper. Appalled by this, she broke it off and flew back to CA, meeting me only 1 month later :) And then there were miscellaneous details that she divulged in our time together, like the fact that her ex didn't like oral sex; these things indicated to me in hindsight that she definitely had him on her mind. What should I think? Why was I abandoned?

[Wondergirl]

What should I think? Why was I abandoned?

She told you why -- "she was numb and incapable of loving ANY man right now, since her ex had cheated on her, and she was unready for any type of committment." But you weren't willing to work with that and then overreacted. And lost her. You both needed time and space, but you were too impatient and obsessed to give it to her. And she unfortunately will be looking mostly for sex now from whoever in order to prove to herself that she is still a desirable woman, despite her bad experience with the guy before you came along and despite your temporary ED which may have made her feel even more undesirable.

[OneGoodGuy]

What I meant was, why didn't she choose to date me again when she was ready? She totally agreed with me right up to the end that what we had was a rare find. So why not come back to me when she was ready? In all fairness, given the abruptness of the breakup (like a 180), I think I wasn't completely out of line being thrown off the way I was and reacting a little obsessively. I mean... I love you like crazy... I don't love you?

[bronzebabe]

You all might have had a great spark, but what SHE was looking for and what YOU were looking for seems to have been two dfiffernt things.
She has been hurt and had some bad things happen. What she really wanted was to feel Good. Like someone wanted her. Sex was how she would feel "normal" or "good" again.
Seeing as you were having issues with erection, it might have made her feel like you really Didn't want her-- no matter what you said.
She left you to move on. She needs to. And, You should move on now. You wanted the relationship to be different. I understand why you are hurt and confused, but she spelled it out for you- and unfortunately, it's over.
Good luck.

[OneGoodGuy]

So it sounds like what you're saying, which pretty much agrees with what others have said, is that she simply wasn't into me, she was on the rebound, and sex or no sex wouldn't have made me a life partner in her eyes. Sound about right?

[Wondergirl]

So it sounds like what you're saying, which pretty much agrees with what others have said, is that she simply wasn't into me, she was on the rebound, and sex or no sex wouldn't have made me a life partner in her eyes. Sound about right?

I don't think she's looking for a life partner right now as much as men who will make her feel like a real woman, i.e. desirable and sexy. And I don't think it will matter if she does find fantastic sex partners. They will be only validations for her, not any kind of emotional commitment. Your ED really had nothing to do with her disappearing from your life. You could have been a raging bull and she would have disappeared.

[OneGoodGuy]

Thank you :) And I thought I would add something else here. As we all know, relationships are often VERY complicated, so there are obvious shortcomings of websites like these, which only capture a tiny snapshot of the whole picture, from the perspective of one person at that moment. I have spoken to a few people in great detail regarding the whole thing, and truth be told my whole tangent on the ED thing is probably just my male ego adding to my confusion.

What I forgot to mention was, her official statement as to why we broke up was "we have several incompatibilities, and are not right for eachother in that way." She never told me what those incompatibilities were, so naturally, my feelings for her being sincere, my mind tends to race through all my possible shortcomings. People close to me said I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, and furthermore, relatively inexperienced and unprepared to protect myself from what was coming.

Ok, here's what I wanted to add: Her compliments towards me in the bedroom were over the top... I KNOW she liked me, A lot. But to add to all the confusion, one thing she said after the breakup was "you wanted a highly emotional and physical relationship, which I feel is unhealthy for me and any relationship." Then later, in one of her last texts to me, she said "you don't want a relationship, you want what you want." I don't really know where she got this, which is totally untrue, but I think somehow she got it into her head that I was just too intense physically, and not really interested in a relationship. This broke my heart though, as it couldn't be further from the truth. I saw her as a life partner and loved simply being with her. And I LOVED her mind, and our amazing 3 hour conversations. It's hard to know what to think sometimes as complicated as relationships are, especially when the other person cuts off contact... I know, it pretty much speaks for itself.

[OneGoodGuy]

Oh yeah, one more thing. People close to me said she seems unstable, i.e. a lot of her behavior either didn't make much sense, or was VERY drastic and harsh. I don't know if her being molested as a child would have contributed to this, or maybe her hormonal imbalance that she had been trying to manage with anti-depression drugs and special birth control pills, without which she can be, in her own words "critical and y." Small details I forgot to mention ;)

[OneGoodGuy]

Sorry for the typo. Without her drugs she said she was actually "critical, y, and very lethargic."

[Gemini54]

I think that you need to stop with the mega analysis of what went wrong.

You said yourself - it was a rebound relationship. She'd only be separated for ONE month and you were together only TWO months. Sure it was intense, it often is in a rebound relationship, but that was now six months ago. Get realistic, you knew each other two months - potentially much too soon to claim that she would be a life partner, as you have now found.

She may well have been 'unstable, but hell, she'd just come out of a relationship and was immediately in a new one with a demanding partner that couldn't get it up. Plus she was on medication, plus, plus...

I do understand that it's easy to keep going over the details because you fear that your ED was to blame and I can also understand that this was potentially mortifying for you.

Bottom line is - it's over, move on and get over it. There are plenty more fish in the sea!

[OneGoodGuy]

Thanks for your insight. I will and am getting over it, but this was a rather unique situation for me, that's all. I have never had stronger feelings for a woman in my entire life... I was blind-sided when I met her, and blind-sided when she left. Anyone who reads this, spread the word: rebounds are evil... don't play with people's hearts; usually it's no big deal and actually kind of fun, but every once in a while you're going to come across a person who actually means what they say.

[Fr_Chuck]

So you had a two month relationship, personally you should not have been having sex yet anyway, it does time to get and build up a relationship to have sex on a emotional level also
*** unless one is just wanting physcial sex, not making love, one does not make love on a first or second date, they are having sex.

Next, so it did not work out, you move one, you will never know exactly why, so blame her, blame yourself, blame the postman if you want, but just move on.

So you have ED, have you talked to the doctor about it, have you tried some of the over the counter items, a few work wonders.

[OneGoodGuy]

Thanks for your insight as well. I myself tend to be somewhat reserved about having sex early in a relationship, and actually, in this case we never did :) LOL Thinking back though, honestly, I don't remember there being any pressure to have sex, by either one of us. After dating in public for one month, we got together at my apartment on the following two weekends and "made love." We intentionally did not have sex on those first two weekends. We were so intoxicated just by being close together, touching and kissing, etc. Actually, that's one of the biggest reasons I've found it so difficult to get over her; I really felt we had something special, and she agreed on that so many times, it just left me scratching my head and wondering why? In honest, objective hindsight, everything points to instability on her part, i.e. I cannot imagine myself ever handeling a breakup the way she did, or leading someone on only to let them down. I understand rebounds are a somewhat common phenomena, but I myself can't imagine ever rebounding on someone in such an over-the top way where the person's feelings aren't rerspected and handeled in a delicate manner. I do agree more and more on the importance of time for developing a real emotional connection.

I am moving on... actually, have been dating for over a month now, and have had to disappoint someone who really liked me. You would be very proud of how I handeled it, #1) Not letting it get to the point where they would be hurt (certainly very little physical involvement or emotional bonding, and certainly no use of the L word, etc.), and #2) making sure they know that they are a valuable person and that I would never abandon them as a human being by coldly cutting off contact if they don't immediately get it or agree 100%. I think the most important mistake people make is not being honest about their reason(s)... it naturally leaves people second guessing themselves. I say, spare people that nightmare. Tell them you're simply not into them, and don't feel a connection, which is totally in God's hands. Don't tell them you're breaking up because you're unready for a relationship, that's bs... why were you dating in the first place? If you're not ready, SLOW DOWN A lot, but don't breakup unless you simply don't see them in your future, and make sure you're honest about why. Don't leave people wondering why, especially after you showed them you loved them a thousand different ways.

I haven't talked to my doctor about it yet, but like I said, I think I know a thing or two about my body and I know I was A) Very nervous, B) Exhausted at the time, and C) I think I had a little anxiety going on because I might have sensed that something wasn't quite right with her, even though it didn't register in my mind at the time... my instincts told me she might not be around for long, which I didn't listen to because I was intoxicated with feelings. Lesson: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Thanks Again

P.S. Regarding the view that I've overanalyzed this, it's probably true, but the handful of paragraphs I've written here barely scratch the surface. My honest conclusion is that it was truly a baffling situation, and therein lies the danger to people's hearts. It's so easy to dumb down people's problems and issue the rubber stamp "there are plenty of fish in the sea," especially when all you get are a few paragraphs here to explain what happened.

[Gemini54]

Sorry, it was me that made that 'mega analysis' and the 'plenty more fish in the sea', quip...

I don't want to justify myself, because it is you having the issue, but it was simply my perception of your issue and that's what this site is for... lots of opinions - some of which you may not agree with. Lots of approaches - that you may not agree with. It's all part of the rich tapestry.

Good to hear that you are getting on with it - which was in fact what I suggested (in my usual blunt manner... ).

I hope it all goes well, and keeps getting better!

[OneGoodGuy]

Thanks! No hard feelings (pardon the pun) :) LOL